Page 130 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me

A family that cared about him.

No one had ever chosen him. His own mother had abandoned him when he was just a little boy and his father had treated him with scorn and ridicule. A harsh disciplinarian who had never given Gabriel a single ounce of love or affection.

How could I have forgotten just how alone he’d been?

Gabriel had always yearned to be part of a warm, loving family and even though ours was small, he said it was quality over quantity. He loved all the Christmas traditions my mom and I had.

Every year, we’d traipse through the woods, searching for the perfect tree, and haul it back to the cabin. While we decorated, we drank cocoa with mini marshmallows and ate sugar cookies shaped like reindeer and sang along with Frank Sinatra and Johnny Mathis crooning Christmas carols.

All our ornaments were handmade or vintage. Hand-painted baubles, jewel-toned strands of beads from the flea market, and my toddler handprints preserved in clay. Our running joke:What small hands you had, Artful Dodger. All the better to pickpocket.

On Christmas morning, when we passed out gifts with the fire crackling in the hearth, dressed in our matching Christmas pajamas (the equivalent of ugly Christmas sweaters that my mother insisted we wear,No exceptions! It’s a tradition!), Gabriel always said the same thing:This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

My chest ached just thinking about it. I’d blocked out so many memories, as if that would protect my heart from further damage.

Now I just wanted to be alone to mull over all this new information, so I stood and cleared the table. Rinsed and stacked, my mind a million miles away.

“I’m sorry if we upset you,” my mom said, touching my arm, jolting me back to the present.

I shook my head and forced a smile. “No, it’s okay. It’s better that I know.” I’d been a coward for not asking sooner. But again, it was self-preservation and if I really thought about it, it was for the best that I hadn’t known any of this then.

If I had, I would have put my life on hold to be there for him. But like he’d said in the coffee shop, he had nothing to offer me at the time.

Translation: He would have been just as withdrawn and distant as he had been when he left, and I would have knocked myself out trying to reach him and been disappointed when I couldn’t.

“Thanks for breakfast, Sean.” I leaned my hip against the dishwasher to shut it. “Have a great vacation. Send a postcard and take lots of photos.”

“We’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

My mom walked me to the door and hugged me before I left. I was already halfway to the elevator when I retraced my steps. “Are you happy, Mom?”

Her smile was soft. “I’ve never been happier. I’m with a man who would drop everything to be by my side. I never have to worry that he won’t come home at night or that he’ll forget to show up when he’s promised to meet me somewhere.”

She paused, deliberating over her words. “I’m sorry I gave you such a warped view of relationships. For as much as I loved your father, what we had was toxic, and it took me a long time to figure that out. Love shouldn’t have to hurt like that. But I think you already know that. I think you figured that out long before I did. You’ve always known your own worth.”

“I’m glad you found each other. You deserve to be with someone who puts you first. You deserve the world.”

“So do you, baby. So do you.” She gave me another hug. “I know how much Gabriel hurt you, but what you had was special. If you still love him, it’s not too late to try again.”

I swallowed. “What if he breaks my heart again?”Or what if I break his?Both options were equally devastating. “I don’t know if I’d survive that a second time.”

My mom put her hands on my shoulders. “You will survive.” She squeezed my shoulders. “But even the best relationships take work. And if you find that this love no longer serves you, that you’re not the best version of yourself when you’re with him, then by all means let it go. But don’t just throw it away because you’re too scared of getting your heart broken. Be brave.”

Be brave. Be bold. Fly high.

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

Cleo

It tookme another week of agonizing, soul-searching, and dozens of journal entries in which I’d written our entire story from beginning to end before I was finally ready to call Gabriel.

Because, well, I was still me. I didn’t want to commit to anything until I was fully prepared.

Last week when I got home from my mom’s, I called Jack to cancel our dinner plans. For as lovely as he was, he was a distraction I didn’t need right now. When I told him I needed to give Gabriel another chance, he said he had a feeling I wasn’t over him yet. We ended on good terms and agreed to be friends. No hard feelings whatsoever.

If only all relationships could be that easy.

Now, after a Nike-codedJust do itpep talk from Annika, I paced the living room with the phone pressed to my ear and my stomach somersaulting.