Page 23 of Hot n Bothered

“ H ere.” Ben placed her bag with all her notebooks on the table before walking away.

Isobelle just sat and stared numbly at them as she heard him pottering around the kitchen. What was the point?

He came back and put a mug of tea in front of her.

“There’s a couple of new pads in there if you’re wanting to get a new story out.”

She just shook her head, eyes on the table. If she looked at him and saw how annoyed he was with her that would crack the barrier she had up keeping everything locked away inside.

She was just so fucking useless. A coward as well. She’d turned off her phone so she wouldn’t have to speak with Darren. Have him confirm what she already knew.

“So why aren’t you writing?” He sounded strained, as though trying to keep his emotions in check.

Was that what she sounded like right now? Or did she just sound how she felt, numb, devoid of any emotion because it was just easier this way.

“What’s the point?” She shrugged. “They’re right. It’s childish, just me not facing reality.”

Ben slammed his hands onto the table making her jump.

“Absolutely fucking not!” He practically snarled. “I’m trying to be understanding, trying to let you set the pace, but I can’t sit here idly as they try to kill your fucking amazing skill.”

He started pacing angrily. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone with them.

Fucking Darren warned me and I let you down and I’m sorry for that.

I’m so fucking sorry Belle.” He shoved his hands through his hair.

“I hate them for what they’re doing to you.

You are so fucking talented. You just can’t see it, but you are.

” He whirled on her. “As much as this numbed down shell of a person you’ve become scares me.

You not writing terrifies me more. It is fundamental to who you are.

Taking that away from you is like taking cooking away from me, or designing away from Nat. I won’t let it.”

He knelt down next to her, taking her hands in his.

“So if you don’t trust me enough to talk about what’s going on with you right now, that’s fine.

But I need you to yell, scream, cry, throw things, Hell hit me if you want.

Do whatever you need to do so I get my wonderful, strong, funny, sweet Belle back.

Because I’m scared I’m losing you and I can’t handle that thought. ”

Damn him and his words, each one made a crack in her barrier. She felt a tear roll over her cheek as she tried desperately to hold onto her mask of being normal.

“But I’m such a mess.” She whispered.

“Not a mess. I’ve told you before.” He said gently, taking her glasses off and wiping the tear away.

“Yes I am!” She wailed. That was it, that gentle look, that smile was all it took and she broke.

“I have panic attacks over the stupidest things. I’m so weak I can’t even look after myself.

I can’t even keep my brain in this reality.

I have so many stories up here and I feel if I can’t get them out I’m going to go crazy. I’m not normal.” She sobbed.

“You’re right.” Ben said, pulling her off the chair into his arms on the floor.

“You’re not normal. You are fucking extraordinary.

You create these amazing worlds, these wonderful characters.

You make people fall in love with them and care about what happens to them.

No one else I know can do that.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead as she buried her head in his chest. “And as for the other stuff. That’s a crock of shit.

You are one of the strongest people I know.

You fucking battle depression and anxiety every fucking day and you are still here.

You still have a genuine smile on your face.

And can we talk about stupid reactions? You don’t think I don’t know Rich deliberately makes a mess so I can clean when I’m stressed?

I can’t even tell people how I really feel to their faces because I’m too scared they’ll laugh at me. Talk about a nut job.”

She gave a watery chuckle, pressing her wet face into his shoulder.

“And not take care of yourself? Belle, you do. Not only that, you take care of us all. Who was the one who took charge when Bianca had that bad fall? You got her and Cat to the hospital, organised us all with jobs to do, a visitation schedule and how we could care for them both. You constantly pick Joey up when he’s feeling insecure.

You make all of us better people just by being around.

By being you and you are perfect the way you are.

So don’t you dare change, especially not for stupid, shallow, hateful people who can’t see how fucking wonderful you are. ”

And then she was full on sobbing. Not just sobbing, ugly crying.

The ugliest type of ugly crying. Snot, tears, more snot, even more tears and that horrendous goose caught up in machinery noise each time she drew in a breath.

Ben only moved to sit cross-legged and pull her more into his lap.

Keeping his arms wrapped around her holding her, making her feel so safe and accepted in his arms.

She had no idea how long she cried, but when her tears finally dried she realised two things.

First, she felt so much lighter, her chest wasn’t so constricted and she could breathe much easier.

Second, she was starving.

Ben had laughed when she told him that. “Want me to rustle something up for you?”

“Please. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For crying like that and making a mess of your top.”

He just smiled down at her brushing her now wet hair from her face. “No need to apologise. You needed that cry, you needed it let it out and anyway I have other clean tops.”

“You know most people wouldn’t want to witness that mess. OW! Fuck’s sake Ben! Enough with the pinching.”

“Enough with the saying you’re a mess then. You. Are. Not. A. Mess.”

She couldn’t help but smile at his grin.

“That’s better. There’s my girl.” He dropped a kiss onto her nose. “Ew, snotty girl. You are gross.” He laughed when she wiped her nose on his top.

“Your girlfriend is gross, get used to it.”

“I’m going to have to, aren’t I? Come on, go blow that nose and get me a clean top. You need food in you.”

Even Ben’s quick, easy, thrown together in five minutes food tasted amazing. Fluffy pancakes, scrambled eggs and crispy bacon with some kind of savoury seasoning was the best thing she had eaten. He really was magic when it came to things like this.

“Feel better?” He asked after she had cleared her plate.

“Lots. Thank you.”

He took her hand. “Anytime. I’m just glad to see you smiling properly again. Darren told me about how you used to hide behind a mask. But I didn’t realise just how scary it was to see.”

“Scary?”

He nodded, pausing as he thought. “Well to me anyway.” He looked down at their joined hands, his thumb brushing circles over her skin.

“It wasn’t you that was there. It was like you were just an empty shell version of yourself.

Your smiles were false and devoid of anything.

I think I hated that the most. Your…spark. The way you light up was gone.”

No one had ever noticed when she put on the mask before. Only Darren had after she had talked to him about it. Even then he had still missed some times when she had reverted back every now and then when she had first moved up to Sunderland.

Ben looked back up at her, such a gorgeous smile on his face. “It was your smile I… Well… I…” He sighed. “I just prefer it when you smile properly and that before wasn’t it.”

“You’re going to make me cry again.”

He shrugged. “If you need to, then go ahead. So long as you stop burying it. I don’t mind if you don’t trust me enough to tell me what they said to you.

But can you at least tell Darren? Just to get it out, and for him to agree with me and tell you how wrong they are and that you were an idiot for believing them. ”

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “And while you do that. I need to do my coping by cleaning.”

She watched as he cleared the dirty pots away and hunted in the cupboards for cleaning items. And she thought about what he said about her not trusting him enough.

He wasn’t making an issue out of it. He wasn’t demanding that she trusted him. He was just letting her know that he understood why she might not want to tell him.

“I do trust you.” She said.

Of course she did. After everything he’d done for her and Darren over the years, there was no doubt in her mind that she did.

“I guess it’s… well I think it’s me I don’t trust.”

He looked at her puzzled as he filled the sink. “I don’t follow.”

“Remember when I said logic and my brain did not go together?”

He nodded. “You were explaining how your brain would instantly go to the worst scenario. Cata… casta… whatever you called it.”

“Catastrophising.”

“Yeah, that thing.”

“So, when I get like this I think that you’ll most likely agree with them and somehow that’s worse than me agreeing with them.

That you’ll go thank fuck they’ve finally got through your thick skull what I’ve been wanting to tell you for years.

” She grimaced. “I know it’s stupid. I even think that about Darren.

I know it’s not true and I know it’s an irrational fear, but the fear is still there. ”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Well, yeah. The whole flying thing remember?”

“But you still swallowed that fear and got on a plane.”

“For you.”

She smiled at him. “Which is why I should do the same and tell you.”