Page 22 of Hot n Bothered

T he lecture had hit Isobelle hard. It’s not like they didn’t have valid points.

She was a grown adult, without a job. She relied too heavily on her brother, she clearly couldn’t eat properly otherwise she wouldn’t be the size she was. Hell, she couldn’t even keep her tiny one-bedroomed flat tidy, Ben had to clean it for her.

They were right about her playing at being a writer. If she was any good then she would be published by now. All that escapism was taking her away from the real world and not letting her own up to her own problems.

She needed to put away that nonsense and focus on getting a new job when they got home and calling the doctor to arrange a new appointment with her parents there.

After all she was forgetful, she was such a mess so it made sense that she would either mishear what was said or completely forget other things.

It was obviously her fault that she wasn’t even close to being normal, even with all the medication and the counselling she’d had previously.

She had wanted to just run home and cry until she couldn’t cry anymore. Hide away from everything, even from herself. But she couldn’t.

Like they said, it wouldn’t be fair on them if she gave into her theatrics. She needed to grin and bear it so she didn’t ruin the holiday for everyone. She could at least pretend to be normal for a few short weeks.

So she did the only thing she could do. She buried everything deep inside. All her conflicting emotions, all her petty grievances and jealousies about the twins. Even her feelings for Ben. All pushed down so instead of feeling too much and creating a scene she became numb.

She tried her hardest, she really did. She smiled, said she was fine when he asked. Even repeating it when he said he didn’t believe her. She smiled and nodded when he paid her compliments that he thought she needed to hear.

She let him take her hand and kiss her cheek when they went out for a meal. But she stopped him from feeding her from his own plate, telling him that she wasn’t hungry. Because she wasn’t, feeling hungry was something that didn’t happen when you were that numb.

The mask she was being forced to wear was too big, too heavy, too exhausting.

It had been so long since she'd had to wear it. She was no longer used to it, no longer used to the way it drained her energy. So she immediately went to bed when they got back. She was that exhausted she didn’t even hear when Ben came to bed.

The next morning she woke to find Ben had his arms wrapped around her just like that dreadful morning so long ago. All she wanted to do was stay right there as it felt so good. It felt as though everything would be fine as long as he was there. It felt as though she was safe and loved right there.

And that was the problem. It was all made up, all in her head, all lies. So she pulled herself free, grabbed clothes and headed to the bathroom to get ready. She needed time to put the mask back on.

She couldn’t even afford to let herself have a little cry in the shower. Because she knew that once she started the floodgates would open and she would ruin everyone’s holiday as she always ruined everything.

It took her longer than normal to get ready as she wavered a few times.

She started thinking that maybe she was doing fine.

That maybe the reason she was struggling right now was due to all the comments thrown at her.

But then she remembered just how weak and pathetic she really was.

Even Darren, who would be the first to stick up for her, had thought she couldn’t handle three measly weeks without his support.

After all that’s the only reason Ben was here.

She didn’t bother putting makeup on. What was the point? She just towel dried her hair, already too exhausted to do anything else. Just nineteen days left to get through, even she could manage that, right?

Ben was awake by the time she left the bathroom, stood in the middle of the room as though waiting for her.

“Talk to me Belle. What’s wrong? What did they say to you for you to be like this?”

Why did he have to be there? So close and looking like he actually cared and she wasn’t a huge burden to him?

“I’m fine.” She attempted a smile that felt so wrong.

It had been so long since she had to wear her mask, it no longer felt familiar or right.

“They said what needed to said.” She couldn’t look at him anymore, staring at the floor was much easier for her, pushing her glasses up her nose.

“If you’ll excuse me I’ll get you a coffee. ”

“No Belle. I don’t want a coffee. I want you to talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what I can do to help.”

“There is nothing for you to do. Please just…” She broke off taking a deep breath to give her time to readjust the mask that was slipping. “Just please let me pass.”

Ben clenched his fists, but moved to the side letting her leave.

“Good morning my darling. Sleep well?” Her mother said brightly from the table in the kitchen area.

She winced. “I see not. Well some sightseeing will put a spring in your step. The exercise will help you too my darling.” She eyed her as she moved to the kitchen cupboards.

“You’re not going to fill up on breakfast again are you? ”

Isobelle shook her head, concentrating on finding mugs and coffee. “I’m not hungry.” She said numbly.

“Ah good, you’re finally listening to reason.

You do know we only say these things because we care about you don’t you?

It hurts us so much when you ignore what we say.

Even more when you get so emotional over it all.

All we want is the best for you, but you throw it back in our faces.

You make us feel like we're terrible people just because we care for you.”

She just nodded, pushing all that guilt for making them feel that way down with the rest. She was a coward as well, instead of apologising and hearing just how terrible she was to her family she just took Ben’s coffee to leave for him in their room.

She was not expecting to find T in there, from the sounds coming from the bathroom, Ben was in the shower.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, is this your room? I thought it was mum’s.”

“It’s not.”

“Well I can see that now.”

Isobelle stood waiting for her to leave. It took her raising her eyebrows for T to finally get the message.

“You always have to get so huffy.” She actually huffed as she stalked out.

Great, Isobelle thought, now she couldn’t say anything about this without it sounding like she was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Then a horrific thought hit her. Was T really the unwanted person in this room? After all Ben had reacted to her teasing and God knows when he finally came to bed last night. So maybe something had happened and she had interrupted.

“Belle?” Ben was stood there, still wet from the shower with just a towel around his waist.

“Um… Coffee.” She couldn’t look at him.

She wanted to ask him, but also didn’t want to ask him. God, she was such a mess and should just ignore it. He took the mug from her and took a sip.

“Perfect as always. Thanks. Do…”

“T was in here.” She blurted out, then clamped her mouth shut.

Why had she just said that? Hadn’t she just told herself to ignore it?

“Why was she in here?”

“She wasn’t here to see you? I mean did you want her to see you? Do you want me to go get her back?”

“What? Why would you think that? No Belle, I don’t… I would never… Why would I when…” He sighed. “Remember what I said before. I will never cheat on you.”

“The car is coming in ten minutes.” Her father called out. “I don’t want to be kept waiting again Isobelle.”

“Car?”

“We’re… um… going sightseeing.”

“Is that what you want to do? I know how much you hate crowded places.”

She shrugged, keeping her eyes on the floor. “It’s a family holiday, it’s not all about me. I really should be getting over these silly things anyway.”

She fled the room before her mask slipped any further.

There were people everywhere. It was hot, the lack of air was stifling. Her mask was making it worse. All those smiles, she had forgotten just how hard and demanding it was to fake them.

She was drowning and there was nothing she could do.

Even though Ben held her hand the entire time, it didn’t help.

Her heart started racing, it was becoming difficult to breathe.

She was so useless she was going to ruin everything again.

Why couldn't she be normal? Why did she have to make a drama out of everything?

The twins were right, any normal person would be fine.

Everyone else around them were looking as though they were enjoying themselves, what was so wrong with her that she couldn't?

There was a rushing in her ears and she was feeling light headed. She just needed to stop for a moment, have some water. If she could get her breath then she could get a handle on her panic.

“I’m worried about you Belle.” Ben said in her ear after she hadn’t been able to hide her flinch away from yet more people crowding her. Her sunglasses had slid down her sweaty nose and as soon as she looked up into his eyes he swore.

“That’s it. I’m taking you back to the villa.”

“No.” She gasped. “No. I can’t ruin it. I’ll… I just… I…”

“Excuse me Mr Anderson. I’m not used to these crowds.” He said, ignoring her completely. “My apologies but I need to get out of them. Belle has kindly offered to take me back to the villa. You stay here and enjoy yourselves.”

He didn’t even wait for a reply, he just wrapped an arm around her waist and moved through the crowds. Once inside a taxi he still had his arm around her, his other hand tapping out her breathing timings on her hand.

When she finally calmed her breathing, she looked up at him. His face was tight with anger as he looked out the window at the passing scenery. Of course he would be angry. Who wouldn’t be? Because she couldn’t handle a few people like a normal person, he had to cut short his sightseeing.

She couldn’t do anything right.