Page 105 of Hope After Loss

“Have a good evening, ladies,” he says before stepping out onto the porch.

“You too, Weston. Drive carefully,” Mom returns before shutting the door behind him.

Sheila prepared her lasagna for dinner, and the three of us eat and then spend the rest of the evening in the sunroom, enjoying each other’s company and watching the sunset over the mountains.

I leave them to enjoy a cup of coffee and a slice of pie, so I can bathe Kaela and get her ready for bed.

I sit in the rocker in her nursery and let her nurse while reading a story from one of her books.

Once she is sound asleep, I lay her down.

Mom finds me standing over the crib, watching her sleep.

“I’m worried,” she says as she comes to stand beside me.

“About what exactly?” I ask.

“Mike’s only been gone for a year and a half,” she states.

I pick up the monitor and walk from the room and down the hallway to the kitchen.

I run the sink and start to load discarded dessert plates into the dishwasher.

She follows me.

“Did you hear what I said?” she asks.

I rinse the plate I’m holding, set it in the dishwasher, and turn to face her.

“I’m aware how long Mike’s been gone, Mom.”

“Do you think you’re ready to be dating this other person?” she asks.

“Weston. His name is Weston. And we’re not dating,” I tell her.

“Then, what are you doing?” she asks.

I throw my arms up and yell, “I don’t know, Mom. I’m working. Taking care of myself and my daughter. And, yes, I’m spending time with a man who tells me I’m beautiful and makes me laugh. And you know what? It feels good. It feels fucking great not to be so damn sad all the time. So, you tell me. How long is long enough? How long is an acceptable amount of time for me to hate waking up to a new day to only realize yet again that my husband is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring him back? To cry as I rock Kaela to sleep because I’m gutted that she will never know him? Never know how much he already loved her. How long do I live in the what-ifs and the could-have-beens or should-have-beens? Because I’ve been drowning for over a year, and for the first time since I buried my husband, I can breathe.”

I stop and take a deep breath.

“No matter how much I’d like to wish Mike back to life, I can’t. There is no way to turn back the clock. And if I could, all it would do is force me to sit back and endure losing him again because his story ended. I can rewind the movie over and over, and it will always end the same. And no one will ever be him, but I hope to one day find someone who wants to step into his shoes. Because Kaela deserves a father, and Mike can’t be that. His part in the movie ended before hers even began, and she shouldn’t have to suffer because of that. Do you understand?”

She takes four steps and stops in front of me. “Oh, honey.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you, Mom.”

She takes my face in her hands. “When you look at Kaela, what do you see?” she asks.

“A miracle.”

“And what do you want for her?”

“Love, happiness, safety … everything. All the good things,” I whisper.

“And what will you do to give her that?”

“Anything necessary.”