Page 30

Alina:

We’re finally leaving my house. I’m feeling so much lighter as Bash pulls out of the driveway. I keep my eyes trained on the broken coffee table on the sidewalk as I come to the conclusion that I never want to come back here again. It’s no longer my home. I’ll find someplace else to live when this is all over.

I look at Bash, his handsome profile in the dark illuminated by the streetlights around him. I love him so fucking much, it hurts. It doesn’t make sense to me. How a love like this could exist. But it does and I’m not letting anyone take it away from me again. From us . Especially someone like Luke, who deserves to rot in an unmarked grave. I grab Bash’s hand and lace my fingers through his, a smile on my bruised lips. He’s my fucking heart outside of my body.

“Any idea where we’re going?” he asks with a mischievous look on his face as I shake my head, smirking back at him. His tears have finally dried and he’s looking less anxious as we put distance between us and my house. I feel the tension disappear, breathing easier. I remind myself I’m allowed to be happy and take up space, like I told Bash. Because it’s true.

I turn on the radio and clap when Three Days Grace cuts through the silence. I turn it up happily as Bash and I instantly start singing together. His hand squeezes mine gently, his laughter falling out of his mouth with ease. To witness this beauty is so fucking worth the pain we’ve been through. He is literally so alive when he’s singing. His smile is contagious .

I know why he was candy to the public eye and why they fucking ate him alive. Bash was already vulnerable, and fame poisoned him. Well, maybe the poison had been administered early on by his father, but fame made it fester, and he began to rot from the inside out. He’s never been bad at his core though, despite what the tabloids want the public to think. He was just unloved and abused and didn’t know until it was too late that it wasn’t his fault.

At least he’s figuring that out now. And so am I. We’re helping each other remember our worth.

I’m barely paying attention to where he’s driving us. I’m so focused on his handsome face that it takes me a minute to realize he’s parked his car. When he stares at me for a while without us crashing, a lightbulb finally goes off in my head. “Where are we?” I ask as I look out the window to see neon lights glittering through the windshield. “No. Fucking. Way!!! ” I scream as Bash smirks.

“I knew I did good, but it doesn’t hurt to hear it,” he teases as he exits the car and comes to open my door. I’m thrown back in time to the quiet, mysterious eighteen-year-old Bash who opened my door for me constantly in high school. It’s hard to breathe for a minute as we look one another over shyly. There are so many sparks flying between us.

“This feels like a fun adventure,” I say, softly biting my bottom lip. He levels me with a dark stare.

“Oh, it is, Lina Girl.” He pulls me out of the car. “Never been inside this one, but I’ve seen it before. You?”

“Oh, I frequent this place.” It’s meant to be a joke, but it feels dirty when it comes out. Because the reasons I frequent this place have more to do with my clients’ needs than my own. I regret saying it instantly. It must show on my face because Bash grabs my cheeks and pulls me into him.

“Never with me. That’s what matters now, right?” I nod silently, scared he’s just saying it to try and make me feel better without really meaning it. But the smile he gives me is so beautiful and genuine, small and… trusting. He’s really trying. And it makes me relax as I stare into his blue eyes.

“You’ve always been the only thing that mattered, Bash.” It’s not a lie. Even after years went by, his memory always got me through the times I thought would kill me. “Did you think of me? While touring?” I whisper. I’d always hoped even with all the time between us that I’d been on his mind like he lived inside mine.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Lina Girl? You’re the only thing that helped me get through it all. Every thought of you was so vital to my survival. The people around me changed so often, I stopped opening up to anyone. I used to cry at night, just wishing I had you to talk to again. Because no one has ever let me exist as me or listened like you do. Especially on tour.” His eyes are watery as they reflect the lights of the sex store in front of us. It feels like our own kind of romantic.

“I want to be with you, Bash. For the rest of our lives,” I say quickly before I can overthink it. Before I scare myself into shutting up. I just want to be honest with him. This is Bash, not Luke and I get to do that with Sebastian. My life with Luke is all about lies. Lying to make money. Lying to myself about not wanting more. Lying to get people off, particularly my pimp. Lying to myself about what I deserve and how I should be treated by everyone around me. And lying that I want to die. I don’t want to die and being with Bash again is making me realize that. I just want my pain to end and my life to revolve around me, not Luke and his demands.

“I’m never letting you go again, Alina fucking Timber,” he says as he kisses me, parting my lips and dipping his tongue into my mouth with urgency.

“Make me Alina Cox,” I blurt out, my heart hammering dangerously. Bash’s hand fists the hair at the nape of my neck and pulls so my face angles up to his. His eyes darken with arousal as he turns it to the side, licking up the length of my neck along my pulse. I shiver beneath his tongue, my lashes fluttering.

“I’ll propose to you among the blood of our shared enemy, Lina Girl,” he promises. I know he means every word. I grab his dick through his pants, squeezing him as he snaps his jaw at me. I growl back savagely.

“It’s a fucking date.” Sucking his teeth, he holds my neck within both of his hands. Nuzzling my nose, he grows within my fingers. “Are we going to make it inside?” I ask innocently. He shakes his head no with a sexy smirk.

“Not at this rate,” he laughs before stepping back, rubbing his hard-on. “Give me a second,” he says, making me giggle.

“This is like the one area your boner wouldn’t be out of place,” I tease while he considers it, flipping himself up inside his pants. I lunge at him, wanting to touch his gorgeous cock. But he refuses me, telling me I have to wait until we get home.

Until we get home . Those words sound so fucking good together. My ears ring when they hear it, a zing shooting up through my stomach. My home is with Bash and always has been.

“C’mon,” he says as he pulls my hand, leading us towards the door where we enter the sex store.

“Why, hello ,” a seductive voice calls from the counter. I race over to my friend Violet, who’s currently working. She has dark hair and bangs that end in a V. She’s one of those chicks that rocks the vintage, pin-up girl style. “Who the fuck is this?” she asks quickly. “I mean, I know who the fuck this is , but why is he here with you? ” I bite my lip as Bash absentmindedly looks around the storefront.

“Long fucking story,” I say, shooing her off, making her cock a brow as a small smirk forms on her blood-red lips.

“I’m sure it is.” She returns to her box of takeout noodles and slurps them loudly as she intently watches Bash. He eyes her wearily, then turns to me for help. I saunter away, an idea quickly forming in my head. He can handle Violet. He’s used to groupies. “You’re Sebastian Cox. I’m Vy,” she says in a sultry tone. I hear him suck on his teeth.

“Nice to meet you. I see you already know my girl,” he smoothly responds. Violet’s laugh fills the shop.

“ Your girl? For the evening , right? You can pay top dollar for any hooker, and you decided to bag Alina while in town?” she jokes. Between her and I, it would’ve been funny. But Bash doesn’t know her like that and takes offense for me.

“I don’t appreciate your tone or what you’re saying,” he says lethally quiet. The darkness in his voice makes me turn back to the front. I’m slowly looking through outfits in front of me on a circular rack but policing the conversation beyond it. My eyes keep flipping back and forth between the two. Violet looks at me confused, holding her hands out in disbelief.

“I’m sorry, I just assumed he was a client,” she apologizes, her face draining of color. “I’m so fucking sorry,” she meekly says to us both as she avoids all eye contact.

“Alina won’t be working for Luke much longer,” Bash growls as he walks away from her to join me. I can’t meet his eyes. I’m so embarrassed. He sighs and strolls over to the toy section alone, busying himself with the vibrators. Violet runs to me when his back is turned. I do what I can to calm her down, but her nerves get the better of her as she claws me with her sharp acrylic nails. They sink into my arms as I grit my teeth.

“You didn’t know,” I assure her, trying to get her to release me, but she’s shaking her head, still feeling sorry for herself.

“I fucked up, Lina,” she keeps repeating and I shrug.

“I’m a fucking whore. He doesn’t know me as one, but that’s what I’ve been doing for a long time and it’s something I can’t wait to put behind me,” I whisper. She pauses and stares at me, scared for a new reason.

“ Wait , he meant what he said about you not working for that dick anymore? Are you taking out Luke? That’s nothing to just throw out so casually,” she says quietly, making sure no other customers can hear her as her head whips over her shoulder. “Be careful, please .”

“A plan may be forming. But you know nothing ,” I say seriously. She nods aggressively before looking to her feet.

“He hurts a lot of my friends.” Her eyes bore into mine when she finally raises them. I nod my head, knowing the specific pain she’s talking about.

“Not for much longer,” I promise her. Violet hugs me tightly. Seeing the outfit I’m eyeing, a grin forms on her face.

“I have that in your size. I’ll wave the cost of it for you guys. As my way to apologize for my bad timing,” she says timidly. I hug her again.

“Bash is loaded. Please don’t. It makes him happy to spend money on me. Let’s let him have this one. And I’m not mad. He’ll get over it eventually too,” I say as she smiles half-heatedly.

“I’ll go grab this in the back for you,” she says quietly before walking away. I sigh while I look around for Bash, but he’s disappeared. I find him absentmindedly staring at the racks on racks of porn on DVD and Blu-ray. He’s deep in thought, making me hesitant to walk up to him. I hope what Violet said isn’t making him second guess his decision to be with me. I try to duck out of the section before he sees me, but he notices the movement from his peripheral. I turn back and wave awkwardly, obviously caught. He smiles a little.

“I’m sorry. About what she said,” I babble before he can start the conversation. He scrubs a hand down his face. “Are you mad at me?” I whisper.

“ Fuck , of course not, Alina. It’s just, don’t take this the wrong way. But did you picture us reuniting like this?” His pained tone of voice makes me feel defensive, but I have no words. Of course, this wasn’t what I had dreamed of or pictured for myself or for us. I shake my head, remaining silent. Bash sighs as he hands me his wallet, then leaves the store. I’m too stunned to verbally retaliate.

I feel hollow as I throw money on the counter for Violet, the outfit I chose inside a plastic bag, mocking me. It was fucking stupid of me to think that even Bash could withstand the shit I put people through. He was safer when I left the first time. At least the heartbreak had been more innocent. Or so I’m trying to tell myself as I leave the store alone and see him smoking a cigarette by his Audi. I clutch the bag to my chest but remain where I’m at without walking closer. He takes a long drag as he studies me. I look away, the shame I’m consumed in making me spiral.

“C’mon, Alina.”

His tone is sad and heavy. Nothing like before we entered the shop. I walk to his car, silent as a corpse as I plop down in the passenger’s seat.

That nagging feeling of wanting to die is back.

Sebastian:

I don’t know what to say. That bitch’s comment got to me. Joking around about Alina’s situation. It’s not ok with me, because any attempt at humor here is masking, strictly a coping mechanism. I know Alina has had to do what she’s had to do to get by, but I won’t just sit around and laugh about being one of her clients . Clients that abuse or rape her. It’s not fucking funny to me. It never fucking will be.

I get in the car after her, throwing my cigarette butt on the ground and grinding it out with my shoe. I take one last look at the sex store and roll my eyes. So much for the experience I was hoping to have. And now Alina is terrified. Sitting quietly next to me, thinking I hate her. Sebastian Cox, dickhead of the century. I curse myself over and over and over again as I reverse the car and pull away.

“You can’t just make everyone I know into an enemy,” she barks suddenly. I laugh without thinking, instantly ready to angrily fight with her. “It’s not fair. When I moved back to town with my dad, that was the last decision I had a say in. I didn’t ask to be the payment for his sins. But I’ve found a way to deal with it and so have the rest of us affected by it! I would really appreciate you not alienating my friends now that you’re finally becoming aware of what we’ve had to do to survive!” Her sexy lips are puckered in a pout as she stares at me with wide, offended eyes.

“Yeah, well, forgive me for not finding it funny! I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. Then to hear that shit so casually thrown around is infuriating!” I yell back at her. She rolls her eyes, smacking her hands to her thighs.

“We’re all at the mercy of Luke around here! Violet has loved ones who have died or been victimized by him too! We’re just doing the best we can! But we aren’t all as powerful as the all-knowing Sebastian Cox! Who apparently never does anything wrong or finds himself the victim!” I cringe at her words, gripping the steering wheel hard in my hands.

“You know that’s not fucking true,” I say through clenched teeth.

“Then stop fucking judging us all and just help us!” she screams. I finally break.

“Don’t you think I want to?!” I shout desperately. Her eyes water as she levels me with a hard stare. “My whole life, I’ve been just a step away from helping the ones I love and yet, I never fucking can! This shit is traumatizing me too, Lina!!”

Alina:

His words hit my heart and I’m sobbing. He is being traumatized. And I know he’s been traumatized in the past from his own abuse and not being able to save his mom from their shitty situation.

We’re just two fucked up kids inside our hearts, trying to undo the damage as adults that we sustained growing up. And it fucking hurts . My heart aches. And so does his. I can see it in his tortured eyes.

“Just take us home,” I mumble, not having anything more to say. The fight is leaving me as familiar pain replaces my anger. It’s so big, it feels absolutely debilitating. Sebastian seethes next to me as I cry openly. It seems to be a common occurrence between us now.

Healing is so messy. Is that what we’re doing? I honestly can’t tell anymore. My life feels so miserable and out of control, I’m afraid to claim healing in any capacity. I hug the bag in my lap to me tighter, trying to feel safe.

I don’t. I haven’t in so fucking long.

I don’t know that I ever will.