Page 55 of High Season

FORTY-TWO

Nina is not sure whether or not she is awake.

She is lying flat on her back, the sun a hazy yellow through a gap in the curtains.

At first, she thinks it must be morning, and then she is not sure how it can be, if she hasn’t been asleep.

But then, perhaps she has been asleep, because she can’t remember any conscious thought for a very long time now.

But if she was asleep, then maybe she still is, because she also cannot remember waking up.

She is briefly concerned, before the worry mellows out. The center of her chest feels warm and heavy. Her limbs feel light.

She realizes that she knows this feeling well.

God, she’s missed it. She’s forgotten how good, how easy it feels, to simply eradicate the fears that usually feel so large and consuming.

It only takes one of the small white pills that Blake went to fetch for her.

Although, she might have taken two. Or three?

Blake had given her the pills and a glass of water to wash them down, and she had felt so tired, so relieved that her big brother was making the decision for her, that she hadn’t questioned it.

She needed sleep so badly that she was willing to do anything.

It had felt so momentous when Nina had come off the pills last year, but now her reasoning feels ridiculous.

Why would you ever resist this? The bliss of feeling like there was absolutely nothing to worry about, nowhere to be.

She wants to exist in this state forever.

She wants to sleep for a thousand years.

Beside her, her phone is humming, but Nina can’t summon the will to answer it.

She sees the caller ID flash up, Josie Jackson.

The name that has filled her with dread and guilt for years is now just a name.

Just a combination of letters. Just a message that says Nina, please answer, it’s important .

Nothing that Nina has the energy or the will to worry about.

The light is softening again, simmering. Nina rolls over. She closes her eyes.