Page 101 of High Season

Tamara won’t let her say it. She won’t. She can’t stand hearing hersecret spoken out loud. She doesn’t want the impossibility of Josie feeling the same way confirmed.

“I’m not,” she says again, more clearly. “Alright? God. Why are you getting so weird and uptight about it? Girls kiss girls all the time, it doesn’t mean that they’re…”

She can’t say it either. The part of her that she’s been afraid of for almost as long as she remembers. The part of her that flinches every time one of her friends makes a joke, or one of the boys in their group talks about lesbian porn, as if the whole idea of women desiring other women only existed for their pleasure. Every time someone saysthat’s so gay, like it’s the worst thing that something can be. Every time Harrison comments on a news story about campaigns for civil partnerships or adoptions for same-sex couples, sneering,It’s not that I’magainstthem, it’s just that they don’t need to be so in everyone’s face about it. Every time her mother agrees with him.

“I’m not being weird about it,” Josie says. “I’m just saying that it’s OK if you are.”

That’s when something in Tamara snaps. When her arms fly up, push hard against Josie’s shoulders so that the other girl staggers backward, almost loses her footing against the slippery tiles.

“I’m not though,” Tamara says, her voice tight, her jaw clenched. “So can you just fuckingleave it?”

Josie blinks at her, taken aback.

“What iswrongwith you?”

The words hit Tamara like a physical blow. There it is, the truth. Thereissomething wrong with her. Sheisthe bad twin, with all the darkness inside of her, no matter how hard she tries to push it down.

“What’s wrong withyou?” Tamara says.

Before she knows it, she’s grasped hold of Josie, pushing harder this time. Josie flails and falls back, her head beneath the surface. In that moment, Tamara wants to hurt her. But more than that, she wants to hurt herself. She wants to claw out the part of herself that is in love with Josie Jackson. She wants to hold it under the water until there is no oxygen left to feed it.

Josie surfaces, gasping, blinking water out of her eyes.

“What are youdoing?” she says, furious. “What is your problem?”

There’s a blaze in her eyes now, an anger. A disgust.Yes,Tamara thinks. This is what she deserves. If Josie is not going to love her, then maybe she should hate her. There’s an exquisite kind of pain in how she looks at Tamara.

“Tammy.”

A tiny, scared voice from the side of the pool that makes them both stop.

“Tammy, why are you fighting with Josie?”

Nina is standing in a pair of pink pajamas, her hair in pigtails, wide-eyed. Her mouth is open in a smallo,threatening tears. She kneads the hem of her top worriedly.

Tamara sees the scene for what it is then. She and Josie, squared up against each other in the water. The tender moment gone, replaced by tension and rage.

“Oh, baby,” Tamara says. “We’re not fighting.”

She paddles to the side of the pool and hauls herself out. Picks up her little sister and pulls her into a hug. She and Blake had been horrified when their mother had told them she was pregnant six years ago, but Tamara has never managed to hate Nina the way she thought she would. Nina, who, ever since the day that she was born, has always seemed like something good and pure and right amidst the Draytons’ chaos.

“Were you scared?” she says.

Nina nods.

“We were just playing,” Tamara says, her voice singsong. “We were just playing.”

She is dripping on the side of the pool. Soaking Nina’s dress. She doesn’t care.

“Come on, baby girl,” she says. “Let’s go inside.”

And with her heart beating too fast in her chest, Tamara walks away from the swimming pool. She leaves Josie Jackson there, staring at them. Watching them go.

THIRTY-FIVE

2004

THREE DAYS BEFORE THE BIRTHDAY PARTY