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savannah

Noah crawled out of my bed this morning before the sun came up. He left with a whispered, “Early morning practice. Go back to sleep,” and a soft kiss to the top of my head.

After meeting my dad for coffee this morning, I confirmed that his practice was the Kingston family kind, otherwise I might have tried to get him to talk to me about last night.

It’s not the first time he’s woken up like that.

It’s not even the first time he’s shown signs of stress or panic.

He hides certain things, but I notice the way he rubs the heel of his hand over his chest, like he’s attempting to soothe an ache there.

I notice the dullness he’s been carrying in those usually bright eyes, and the way he shuts down at any mention of things being too much for him.

“Hello?”

“Huh?” I shake my head, pulling myself from my thoughts.

Chloe looks at me with a mixture of confusion and concern, and I can’t blame her. We came to the library to study almost an hour ago, and as I look down at a blank paper, I realize that I haven’t even started my work .

“Sorry. I think I’m in a funk.”

“This wouldn’t pertain to a certain somebody sneaking out of our apartment at five thirty this morning, would it?”

Yes.

“You saw him?”

“I fell asleep on the couch again.” She waves a dismissive hand. “You want to talk about it?”

I don’t get a hangnail without Chloe knowing about it. I have, and always will, continue to share every part of myself with her, but I can’t share every part of Noah with her. His struggles are his, and if he can’t even bring himself to share them with me…

“I’m starting to feel like maybe he isn’t all in with me.”

“You’re joking.”

I purse my lips with a slight shake of my head.

“Sav, that guy has been flirting with you and chasing you for months. You gave him nothing but attitude and cold shoulders and he still tried to claw his way to you. I refuse to believe that he finally got his shot with you, and now he’s pulling back.”

“Maybe I was just another challenge for him.” I shrug, but even as I say the words, they feel wrong.

“I know you’ve been wronged before, but you can’t put the shit that other guys have done to you on Noah.”

I want to believe her. As much as I hate cliches, I can’t deny that things with Noah do feel different.

The way he pays attention to detail, and the way he looks at me like I’m the only person in the room, says that he isn’t just some guy who wants to conquer me.

The way he clearly has never known touch as a source of comfort, but he captures my hand against him when he knows I need it anyway, proves that he’s not like those other guys.

I just don’t know how to get him to open up, and every time I ask him what's wrong, I get silenced with a kiss. It’s a diversion for him, I know that, but it’s made me realize that if he can’t be all in with me, it would crush me.

I don’t know when my feelings became so serious, but I fear that I’m too far gone now.

“Besides, Maverick told me that Noah’s obsessed with you.”

My head rears back and I rapidly blink my eyes, unsure which part of that sentence is more shocking.

“When were you talking to Maverick?”

“I ran into him at The Den on Monday.” She rolls her eyes.

“Hello, darlings!”

I keep my eyes on Chloe, but she seems to welcome the interruption and turns her beaming smile up to my aunt, who is now approaching our table.

“Paloma.” Chloe greets her, and my aunt drops a kiss to her cheek before rounding the back of her chair to hug me.

“I can’t stay long. I was just cutting through the building and I saw you two whispering over here.”

“Whispering? Were we whispering?” Chloe says in a posh British accent.

“No, darling. I don’t believe so,” I drawl.

“Gossiping, perhaps?” Aunt Lo plays along.

“Good heavens, us? Never!” Chloe smiles, breaking character first.

“Okay, okay, the real reason I came running over.” She reaches a hand across the table, capturing mine. “How did the interview go?”

Chloe shifts uncomfortably in her seat, and my aunt takes notice. Her face softens, but I’m quick to reassure her.

“It was a goat rodeo.”

She pulls a face like she sucked on a sour lemon.

“But, it’s fine.” I wave a hand. “I had a mini meltdown over it, but I feel better today. I just keep reminding myself that it wasn’t an internship I really wanted anyway.”

“Do you really want any of them?” she asks .

I don’t want to work for a team that only wants me because of who my dad is. It’s the same reason that I can’t just go to my dad for the position.

“I don't know what I want anymore,” I answer honestly.

“I’ll say this once, just to get it off my chest, and do with it what you will.

I understand that you don’t want an internship handed to you, but just because you have an in.

” She uses air quotes when she says the word ‘in,’ with her heavily decorated fingers.

“It doesn’t mean that everything you learn there will be for nothing.

You’ll be able to take that experience with you when you go to work for a team that isn’t your dad’s. ”

There’s a tiny battle going on inside my head. On one side, I know that she’s right. On the other side… I’m remaining stubborn.

“Just think about it.” She gets up and excuses herself. My eyes follow her toward the door where Noah and his behemoth of a friend enter.

“Ladies,” Maverick calls out, holding his arms wide and easily thirty heads turn, glaring in his direction.

Noah sits on the chair across from me, but I don’t acknowledge him. There’s an uncomfortable feeling coursing through my body in place instead of the usual fireflies.

“I was actually just on my way out, too.” Chloe stands, pushing her chair in.

Maverick sits on the edge of the table, his knees pointing in her direction, and he smiles at her before snapping a hidden bubble with his gum. “Chloe Cooper, you want me to walk with you?”

“Nope.” She clutches her books to her chest. “See ya.”

“You see that.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. “I remembered her name.”

“You’re a real Casanova, Hall.”

He clutches his chest and pulls out the chair beside Noah .

“Hey.” Noah reaches across the table, resting his hand on my forearm.

This really isn’t the place or the company that I want when we have the ‘What the hell are we doing?’ conversation. Thankfully, my phone vibrates, saving me from having to pretend that things are fine.

“I have to take this. I’ll be right back.”