Page 18 of Her Desire (Pulse Medical #3)

Eventually.

But the whole thing had shaken her, left her too raw.

Gianna had spent years learning how to shove those emotions down; as a surgeon, she had to, she had to learn to compartmentalize, to shut off the feeling part of her.

But tonight she’d felt dangerously close to breaking.

Not to mention that she’d also had a moment in there where she’d wished Holly was the anesthesiologist and not Dr. Parker.

Not that he had done anything wrong. He was competent and efficient, exactly what you wanted in an OR.

But he wasn’t Holly. He didn’t read the room like she did.

He didn’t give her those small reassurances between technical updates.

He didn’t make her smile or laugh or feel like everything was somehow going to be okay.

Gianna hadn’t spoken to Holly since that encounter at the cafeteria and if she had to be honest with herself, she missed her. She really fucking missed her.

She walked over to a low brick wall by the hospital entrance and leaned against it for a moment.

Gianna wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel about the fact that Holly hadn’t tried to talk to her again, that their only encounters had been glances and subtle nods when they passed each other in the hallway.

Not that she’d made any effort either.

Gianna pulled her coat tighter, surprised at the nip in the air since it was the beginning of August. She took another breath in, fixed her hair which she had up in a ponytail, and was just about to head back inside when she caught sight of Holly.

Gianna froze. Because Holly wasn’t alone. No. The anesthesiologist was hugging a man.

Not just a casual hug either. It looked intentional. Her arms wrapped around his back, his chin resting on top of her head. They stayed there, neither letting go.

Gianna felt a sharp, immediate rush of something. Annoyance? Jealousy?Who was he? Was it really what it looked like?

No, not jealous, because she had no reason to be.

She had no claim to Holly, and she sure as hell had no right to feel like this.

Yet, there Gianna was, standing in the dim parking lot, feeling like someone had grabbed her lungs and squished them.

Before she could process what was happening, the world started to tilt.

She pushed away from the low-lying wall and headed toward the building, slumping around the corner where she could be alone.

If Gianna didn’t know any better, she’d say this was a panic attack. Which was ridiculous, frankly.

What was wrong with her?

It was just a hug. Just one stupid hug. But it wasn’t just that, was it? It was Holly. The way her arms had wrapped so naturally around that guy?—

She closed her eyes and willed the image away.

Not that it was possible. All Gianna could think about was that Holly would never hug her like that, never hold her like that, as if she was the one person in the world that mattered.

Gianna dug her fingers into the bricks, wishing for a second that the walls could swallow her whole. Her body shook, and she was quite certain she might collapse if she didn’t convince her lungs they didn’t need to be on fire, or that her tear ducts didn’t have to come into commission.

Then, out of nowhere, Gianna heard the faint sound of footsteps, and her heart skipped several beats—though she knew medically that wasn’t possible in a healthy forty-year-old female.

“Gianna?” It was Holly’s voice, low and cautious as if she were testing the waters.

Gianna didn’t look up; she couldn’t bring herself to. She could barely get her breath under control or keep her thoughts straight. She didn’t need Holly seeing her in this way.

But it appeared the anesthesiologist wasn’t going anywhere. “Are you alright?” Holly asked. “What’s going on? Are you crying?”

“I’m fine,” Gianna said quickly, trying to wipe the tears from her face.

It was obvious Holly didn’t buy it. She stepped closer, and Gianna could see her silhouette lined by the hospital’s dim lights.

“You don’t look fine,” Holly said gently. “And I’ve known you long enough by now that if you’re this upset—” she cut herself off before finishing the sentence and exhaled. “Just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”

Gianna closed her eyes, unsure of what she should say. Ironically, that was exactly the same thing she wanted to know about Holly—what the hell was going on in that beautiful head of hers?

Was honesty really the best way to go about this? Should Gianna just tell her that what Holly had said after they’d slept together was slowly breaking her down? But how? What words could she string together to properly reflect how she felt?

She sighed and glanced up. “I don’t know what’s happening between us,” she admitted.

“But I’m pretty sure I ruined everything.

” She sighed. “We’re friends, Holly, and the last few days you’ve been acting like I don’t even exist, like I don’t mean anything to you, like—” she stopped speaking, because what more could she say, how could she possibly explain just how hurt she felt. She exhaled loudly.

For a long while, there was just the sound of Gianna’s breathing, until finally, Holly stepped closer, looking like she was about to crack wide open herself.

“I didn’t mean to pull away. I need you to believe that,” she said softly, guilt dripping from every word. “I’ve just been…scared.”

“Scared?” Gianna blinked, unsure whether she’d heard right, but she didn’t push. She didn’t say anything more, she just waited for Holly to explain.

“Of messing up what we have. Of messing up our friendship. Our work relationship,” Holly replied, her voice tight.

“Of messing up everything. I’ve never slept with a woman before.

” She let out a shaky breath, eyes flicking to the ground.

“I didn’t know how to deal with it… I don’t even know what it means or how to handle the way I feel. ”

“You don’t have to have it all figured out,” Gianna said, her voice gentler than she expected, but the words came from somewhere real, somewhere deep. She understood. “I don’t have it all figured out either. There’s no pressure. No rush.”

Holly nodded, her shoulders visibly relaxing. “All I know is that I care about you, Gianna. I really do and I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me,” Gianna said, feeling more certain than she expected.

But it was the truth. It would take a hell of a lot more than a few ill-choice words and a few days of ghosting for Gianna to even consider cutting ties with Holly.

The idea seemed impossible, almost laughable. “You haven’t lost me.”

“I haven’t?”

“No,” Gianna said, shaking her head and stepping closer. But not too close. As much as she wanted to pull Holly into a hug, hold her close, smell her hair, she wouldn’t dare. Not until they’d really talked through this and there was no more uncertainty hanging between them like a curtain.

“Good.” Holly seemed to breathe a little easier after that. “I’m really glad about that.”

“How about we take it back to the start,” Gianna offered, feeling at least fifty pounds lighter than she did just two minutes ago. “How about a date—or not a date? Just food. I’m feeling kind of shaky. I’m sure food will help.”

“I can do food,” Holly said, nodding. “Anything specific.”

“Pizza?” Gianna asked. “We can go crazy with the toppings. Whatever your heart desires.”

“As long as we don’t get pineapple. You know how much I hate the idea of fruit on a pizza. It’s basically murder. You’re murdering your pizza by putting pineapple on it.”

“I can’t agree more,” Gianna said, smiling, wondering how she’d gone from having a panic attack to feeling like she was floating on a cloud. It would be silly to think that everything between them was fine, but at least this was a good start.