Page 37

Seb

My steps faltered, the rubber soles of my sneakers squeaking on the marble tiles. Whatever I’d thought she would say… This was worse.

‘He asked you to talk to me?’

She nodded, her face expressionless.

‘Why? Because we’re “together”?’

‘No!’ she insisted. ‘Because he knows we’re friends.’

‘I meant is that why he wants me to stay in the team.’

‘That has nothing to do with me!’ She’d raised her voice, attracting a handful of disapproving glances from other visitors. ‘You’ve had a great season. Why would you think there was any other reason?’

‘I’m currently helping you draw extra attention to the team for the sponsors. It wasn’t much of a leap.’

‘Seb,’ she said, frustration in her voice, ‘retiring now would be such a waste!’

‘Of what? One year of thirty-five-year-old fitness?’ I scoffed. ‘I’ve been lucky this year – whether that’s down to you or not—’

‘It’s not !’ she hissed.

I looked at her askance. ‘I’ve had fifteen years of mediocre results, with the occasional breakthrough.

A season like this is… not me. You think I’m affecting your head game.

Why is it strange to believe you’re affecting mine?

If I stayed on next year, it wouldn’t be the same.

’ And who could tell what my ‘friendship’ with Lori would look like, if she needed me to perform. The thought pricked me.

‘What if Dad promised to make you lead rider for some of the Classics? You’re good enough for it!’

Rolling my eyes, I countered, ‘He wants me as a domestique for Colin in the Tour. I know how this sport works. You don’t have to dress it up as something else.

I don’t crave that recognition anyway – you know that.

You just haven’t accepted it because winning is all you know.

’ I hadn’t meant that to come out as a criticism, but her flinch suggested she’d taken it that way.

‘You give up too easily – on everything!’ she accused. ‘Even this fake relationship! Two weeks in and you want to plan the break-up.’

‘Someone has to think ahead before we get hurt!’ Before she moved on with her life without me.

‘But your career is now! Take a fucking risk sometimes! There are so many cyclists hitting their prime at your age. Why would you give up now?’

At my age … I didn’t often notice how much younger Lori was, but she couldn’t understand.

She thought I was some kind of exception, when I was just the rule.

I grasped her arm, my thoughts swirling.

‘I appreciate that you… want good things for me. And I’m flattered that Tony wants to extend my contract.

But it would only be postponing the inevitable and giving me more chances to fail.

’ And it would give you the chance to walk away from me.

She tugged her arm back. ‘With thoughts like that, you will fail! Urgh!’

‘I told you I was bad for you. You’re twenty-five. You haven’t even hit your physical peak. You can’t see it yet, but this season is a tiny blip in an impressive career. I’m ready to retire and eat cheese and I shouldn’t be tempting you with waffles!’

‘It’s not your waffles that tempt me,’ she said grumpily.

‘What? My buns ?’ I turned on her with a severe look.

She sighed through gritted teeth. ‘I knew this wouldn’t go well.’

‘Then tell Tony to talk to me himself.’ Instead of ruining the little time I had with Lori.

‘He’s going to talk to your agent – soon. He wanted me to… soften you up first.’

I eyed her.

‘I know. I’m sorry. But what do you stand to lose?’

‘What do you hope to win by making me stay? We can’t fake a relationship for a whole off-season and it’s difficult enough to find opportunities for actual sex.’

She didn’t have an answer for that. Of course she didn’t. ‘It’s not about sex,’ she insisted, snapping her mouth shut when the older couple in the next aisle turned to glare at us.

I headed further along the side aisle, gesturing for Lori to follow.

‘I didn’t want to post anything to my feed because I had no intention of accepting any sponsorship.

I went along with this hype for you, so you could get back on your feet without worrying – and maybe kick Gaetano out of your thoughts.

But I won’t stay another year for you, even if it’s the only way we could still see each other. ’

Her quick intake of breath sounded tortured and guilt prickled under my skin. She felt something of what I did. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I remembered how I’d felt when she’d disappeared from Zpeed back in November. I had to keep some boundaries.

‘Will you at least wait until after the Tour to formally refuse the offer – and end the fake stuff?’

‘Why? Because you think I’ll change my mind?’

‘Because I like having you around, you idiot!’ She gave me an abortive shove and swiped at her face. ‘Because it’s an excuse to hang out while we still can!’

She didn’t look at me, instead turning to stare into the side-chapel where we’d found ourselves, but I couldn’t have said what was in it. I was stuck on her words. While we still can . The boundaries could maybe wait until after the Tour.

As I matched her gaze, trying to reason with myself that ‘hanging out’ with Lori for another few months wouldn’t hurt me, the objects in front of me gradually took on form and colour.

I stepped back with a start. ‘Wh-what is that?’

She peered at the sign off to the right, reading, but my stomach lurched. A casket of sorts, gold and silver and covered in gemstones, lay on a carved dais and it didn’t take a genius to work out what would be inside.

‘Let me guess. Bones? Hair?’ With a shudder, I remembered the head in Siena with a strange mix of revulsion and fondness for what had happened after that.

‘It’s bits of his skeleton and a piece of his skull,’ she explained out of the side of her mouth. She came in close. ‘Are you scared?’ she asked softly.

I didn’t hesitate. ‘Yes.’

When she slipped her hand into mine, I was sure I felt something break.

Awareness of her rushed in my veins. She glanced at the floor, but I felt her uncertainty in the light tremor of her hand.

Twisting my fingers with hers, I held on, blinking back light-headedness.

Her hand in mine shouldn’t have felt more intimate than everything we’d done in bed – or the kisses in front of the cameras.

But it was just us. Us . FolkyDunes. Standing together in the face of success and failure and weird religious relics. After the argument, it was everything.

And I wanted so badly, in a way I hadn’t dared to want before because built into wanting things was the disappointment of not getting them. Working hard for a race and losing. Waiting for Papa to come home…

But as I brushed my thumb over the back of her hand and soaked up her muted inhale, disappointment didn’t exist. She turned to me – slowly, questioningly, her eyes lit with wary anticipation – and I dipped my head.

Her breath ghosted over my lips and I could already taste the relief in the impending kiss.

‘Lori,’ I whispered, just because I liked saying her name.

With deliberate slowness, shared breaths and the history of every moment we’d known each other – both virtually and in real life – our lips met, softly, achingly.

This wasn’t the desperation of a post-race kiss when I’d been dreaming of her for days, or the need we awoke in each other in the bedroom.

It was something else – something that would haunt me in its tenderness.

This was Lori with her armour cracked.

Bringing my other hand up to her face, I kissed her as though nothing else mattered.

The high-pitched sound of shoes scuffing on the tiles echoed suddenly and I pulled back, belatedly remembering where we were. My chest was heaving and the way she sluggishly blinked open her eyes and smiled reordered everything inside me. She was still clutching my hand.

Lori spoke first. ‘I suppose we should stop before the bones wake up and get us in trouble for kissing in a church.’

‘Don’t even—’

She silenced me with another quick, hard kiss that left me off balance. ‘Do you still want to hang out with me tonight?’

I couldn’t have stopped the words even if I’d wanted to. ‘Of course.’

‘Good.’ She tugged me away from the chapel, heading for the portal. When she wrenched it open, it was dim outside, but the heavy rain had stopped. ‘Because I want a beer.’

I was glad I’d stuck with the non-alcoholic version of a golden Belgian brew later that evening when I dragged her back to the hotel, already dreading what Colin and her dad would say.

She’d had two – fairly small – beers, but I should have guessed how poorly she’d metabolise the alcohol.

Post-racing drinks were always dangerous, especially after a bad result where the crash in adrenaline was immediate.

She hung off me in the lift, her lips at my neck.

‘Do you think my brother would clear out so we can get naked?’

My hands tightened on her waist. ‘Colin isn’t the only problem here,’ I muttered, brushing her hair out of her face. She’d tugged it out of her plait during the second beer. She was loose and beautiful and fun – and far too tipsy for anything more than a kiss.

‘But I don’t know when we’ll get another chance,’ she pouted. ‘Our training schedules are mad.’

‘Three weeks at altitude with Colin and without you. And you really think I should do this all again next year?’

‘It’s better than a fucking B&B – without me.’

‘I almost agree with you,’ I murmured in dismay. ‘But even if I stayed next year, we wouldn’t have an excuse to hang out.’

‘Just be private fuck buddies,’ she mumbled. ‘I won’t tell my parents if you won’t.’ She pulled back with a frown. ‘I don’t know where the hand-holding fits into that.’

‘I don’t either,’ I whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead and leaving my cheek there. She felt… heady.

‘What about when I quit,’ she slurred. ‘What if I stay really shit and my own dad drops me from the team. We could fuck then.’

I scowled, drawing back to frame her face and stare intently into her clouded eyes. ‘Don’t even think about that. You are strong and focused – a winner.’

‘I could be strong and focused and we could fuck?’

The back of my neck tingled. ‘That hasn’t worked so far.’

‘My mum says there’s a winner and a loser in every relationship. She’s bitter, but I’m scared she’s right.’

I thought of Maman and Denise – even Mamie. ‘Perhaps your mum is on to something.’

‘Or maybe she’s wrong and thinking of life in terms of winning and losing isn’t helpful. Maybe then she’d see something more in me.’

Words stuck in my throat, wanting to comfort her, but afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I did. She solved my dilemma by leaning heavily on my shoulder and making a sleepy snuffle that suggested she wouldn’t hear anything I said right now anyway.

Juggling Lori, I managed to extract my room key from my wallet and shove the door open, stumbling through.

At first, I was relieved that the light was on and Colin hadn’t already gone to bed, but then I saw the other figure in the room, standing by the desk and flipping through a sheaf of papers, and blushed as red as the rooster on the flag of Wallonia.

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but I couldn’t decide where to start. At the bones of the saint? Or the waffles? Or right back to the first time we chatted on Zpeed? Perhaps my contract extension would be in the bin anyway.

‘Molly!’ Tony Gallagher exclaimed. A deep sigh escaped his chest. ‘What have you done now, my girl?’

By the time I’d recovered from my surprise, Lori had pushed away from me. ‘One evening, Dad,’ she said, holding up a finger and only slurring a little. ‘Two beers. That’s all I’ve done now.’

‘Besides, she was only doing what you asked her to do,’ I added with a dark frown.

Tony turned to me, eyebrows raised. With a bark of laughter, he clapped me on the shoulder. ‘She was, was she? I knew if anyone could get you to sign, it would be Molly.’

Mystified about why he kept calling her Molly, I glanced at Colin in confusion, but my roommate only gave me a shrug.

‘I haven’t agreed to sign,’ I said evenly. ‘I just said I wouldn’t refuse to sign until after the Tour.’

‘Good man, good man,’ Tony muttered. ‘Do what you have to do. Wait for other offers. That’s fair. But just know we’d be lucky to have you back next year – happy to have you back. Lori says you’re just friends.’

I could almost feel Colin’s raised eyebrows at that statement. After Tony shepherded his daughter out of the room, Lori recovering quickly enough to bicker, I found my roommate watching me speculatively.

‘I probably won’t sign,’ I told him before he asked. ‘I’d planned to retire.’

‘You’re the age for it, I suppose,’ he said with a shrug. ‘You’ve lasted longer in the competition than a lot of guys. But what if Lori wants you to stay?’

‘She does, but I don’t see the point in putting myself through this when my fitness will only—’

‘No, I mean what if she wants you to stay – with her.’

‘I’m not—’

Colin’s expression hardened. ‘She might be messing with you, but you’re messing with her too, you know. She’s distracted.’

‘I didn’t mean to—’

‘And she’s happy .’

‘She’s not,’ I insisted. ‘She thinks that getting injured and performing below her potential is failing all of you .’

‘I know that, but do you think she’ll let us take the pressure off her? She only lets you do that! And then she comes back happy.’

Any response I might have had died in my throat. I made her happy ? What miracle caused that? But I also split her focus, when racing was her protection from a chaotic world. She might want me to stay, but for both our sakes I had to go. I didn’t have a better solution.