Page 6

Saeran

When it storms, I find the highest possible location and sit, hoping that the lightning might hit me. Basking in the sounds of the rain and the thunder rumbling in the sky. Anything to feel like he’s sitting here with me. When it strikes true, I’m as close to Gluttony as I ever will be again.

I’m not surprised to find Tiernan waiting in my room when I return. The scowl on his face could freeze half the continent. I’m tempted to look out the window, just in case it has actually started snowing.

“Do I have to lock you up?”

“Nothing you can do would keep me chained.” A lie or the truth? I’m not sure anymore. At full strength I could say it with certainty. There isn’t anything that exists strong enough to hold me captive. But now? Not a theory I’m confident testing. I hope the bluff works; I won’t be caged in here like an animal, because Tiernan worries too much.

“Where were you? How many times do we have to have this conversation? It is not safe for you when Virtus roam and chimeras have your scent. Conor’s being careless and reckless, and it’s only a matter of time before the Light decide it’s time to cross over and clean up the mess.”

They won’t. Conor isn’t strong enough to ping their radar. Not yet. And I’ve sacrificed everything to make sure my own magic doesn’t alert them. We should never have had to hide like this; the Light were never able to match our strength. Until suddenly, they were. How they wiped us out… I still don’t know. Taking over my court in a single night is unfathomable. And now what are they doing on our side of the shroud? They’ve been left alone there for so long, my heart hurts at what they may have done to my home. My forests.

What will be left when we finally reclaim it? I won’t ever find out, and I can only hope that Tiernan and the others will be able to rebuild and get back even a small part of what we lost.

“I wasn’t in any danger.” My clothes are filthy, and I need to change into something more comfortable. And then do some maintenance on my bow. Find time to get down the street and buy more of the nuts Gyro likes best.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.” There’s no safer place in the world for me than when I’m with Gluttony. I refuse to believe otherwise, no matter how far we’ve drifted from who we were.

Understanding dawns on Tiernan’s face, and I brace myself. “Are you serious ? You went to him? Are you insane?”

“It wasn’t on purpose.” Maybe I should have done more to avoid it once I sensed him. I’ve been strong for so long that I refuse to feel guilty about one single moment of weakness.

My shirt and pants go in the basket near the door, and I rustle through my drawers for some three-quarter cargo pants and a fresh pair of briefs to replace the black ones I’m wearing.

“What did you do?”

Annoying how well he knows me. “I didn’t do anything.” Technically the truth. Gyro had been the one to give Gluttony his gift.

“Saeran.”

I throw the clothes I have onto the bed and rustle through the closet, looking for my navy button-down. “I gave him an orb.”

Tiernan’s eyes close briefly. “Why?”

“I wanted to help him.”

“If you get too close—”

“I know what’s at stake.” I’m unable to mask the venom in my tone, the biting sharpness to my words. He doesn’t need to remind me why it’s important to keep my distance. I’m acutely aware.

Tiernan sits heavily on my bed. Gyro appears behind him and stretches out, shoving her back feet against his thigh as she rolls like a cat all over my clothing, covering it in her scent.

“Do you mind? I’m about to put those on.”

“He could have caught you, Sae. Do you have any idea what he would have done to you?”

Not what I’d like him to do to me. Things that keep me awake at night, aching for him. Even after this long, I still crave him. That won’t ever stop. Not even after I die. “I didn’t let him see me.”

“This time. You were lucky . That won’t last forever.”

My voice cracks on my next words, emotions too strong to keep at bay. “He was right there in front of me for the first time since the night I lost him. Right there, and I—” Wasn’t strong enough to keep resisting. I’ve been alone and left wanting for a hundred lifetimes. More. There are times when I think the loss is going to kill me, where the holes he left behind are too many.

Tiernan swears in Gaelic and pulls me to him, wrapping me in a hug, his hands warm against my back. “I’m sorry. I wish you could have what you want, that things were different.” But they aren’t. They never will be. I can never get back what I lost. I won’t live long enough to even contemplate the possibility.

“Even if you could, Saeran, we don’t know whose side they’re on. We don’t know who our enemies are and what obstacles we need to get through in order to take back our home. What happens if he draws the line between you?”

He already has even if he’s unaware of it. At the same time— “We don’t know it was them.” Until we figure out the truth, there’s no way to know if the Sins can be trusted, or if they’re the ones behind the ultimate betrayal. All I can go by is my own instincts. And they’re screaming at me that nothing is as it seems, and that Gluttony, mine or not, can always be trusted.

“Who else could it have been, Saeran? They were the only ones outside of our own that had the knowledge they needed to ambush us so perfectly. They rendered us powerless in one sweep. It couldn’t have been one of us.”

I’d sooner accuse one of our own before I point the finger at Gluttony or the other Sins. What does that say about me? Something harsh and unflattering.

“You can’t see him again. Not just for your sake, but for ours. Not to mention that if you’re killed, we’ll be lost. Your leadership is needed, especially now.”

I open my mouth to tell him the truth—I need to tell him before it’s too late—but nothing comes out. It won’t be long before Tiernan, Riordan, and Diarmuid will have to lead the charge without me. And they deserve to know. I hope they’re strong enough to hold the mantle when the time comes. For the sake of what remains of our kind, they need to make it all the way through. They’ll need strong leaders to face what’s next.

“You really think that he’d kill me?” I ask instead. Are Gluttony and I so lost that a violent outcome is a certainty?

“Riordan and Diarmuid are downstairs,” Tiernan says, not answering my question. A deliberate sidestep and a telling one. He truly believes that Gluttony will harm me. That there’s nothing whatsoever left of us that will stop that killing blow. It slashes across my chest like a physical cut. “A chimera’s been spotted, prowling near one of our buildings, and we’re coordinating where to shift them while we investigate and hunt it down if we need to.”

It’s worrying that the chimeras are that intelligent, able to prowl and hunt a specific target instead of resorting to baser instincts and killing everything in sight. More than worrying. Training them as weapons? It shouldn’t be possible.

“I need to shower.” My chest aches, a familiar heavy sadness that’s been a part of me for too long. Scooping up my clothes, I pat Gyro on the head. “I’ll meet you downstairs when I’m done.”

“Promise that you won’t return to him,” Tiernan insists.

“I can’t promise that.” Not unless Tiernan wants me to lie. Seeing Gluttony tonight opened the gates. I can only do my best. How long can I really stay strong? Not nearly long enough.

Tiernan cradles my face, and I have no choice but to look into his green eyes. Filled with concern and a sadness that isn’t his own. It’s my burden, and he doesn’t deserve to have to carry it with me. No one does.

“You and he don’t walk the same path anymore. He doesn’t know you, and you don’t know the person he is now. There isn’t a way to return there, no matter how much you wish it.”

“Lust found his again.” The response makes me too vulnerable, peeling back the layers I’ve built up for years. It’s a stubborn hope that I cling to. One I’ve hung onto by the tips of my fingers all this time. That maybe something can change, that it doesn’t always have to be so helpless. If Gluttony lives, if they all do, then there’s still a chance. There has to be. After seeing Lust and Daithí find each other again… that hope is my only lifeline. It’s all I have left. Even if it’s fruitless, it keeps me going.

“They don’t know that. They don’t know who they were, or what they meant to each other when you ruled. Yes, they found each other but not as them. It’s not the same thing.”

“Their souls knew. They’re paving the way. They’ll all find each other again.”

“It doesn’t matter ,” Tiernan hisses. “You can’t. Will you sacrifice all of us to take that chance?”

“Of course not.” I haven’t been alone all this time because I wanted to be. I’ve had no choice.

“Then stay away from him.” He kisses my forehead and then pats Gyro’s head. He stops at the doorway, hand curling around the doorframe as he glances back at me. “I’m sorry, Saeran.”

“I know.” That won’t mend the broken pieces of my heart. Or get my court back.

“We’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.”

Gyro rolls over onto her back, and the light above her breaks with a spark of lightning. She mewls in delight, her wings flapping.

“Gyro, I said no more breaking things.”

She sneezes, rocketing herself off the bed. I leave her to it, gathering my clothes and heading for the bathroom. I can replace the bulb later.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE shadows are calling to me so loudly that sleep eludes me. Eventually, I give up trying and sit up in bed, sweat soaking my skin. Gyro tumbles off from where she’s asleep on my back. Lifting a knee, I brace my elbow on it and stare out the open window. A light breeze moves the shimmery curtain. I can’t sleep with it closed, too far away from the outside. I’d sleep under the moon if I could. Sometimes I do, on the roof. I always sleep better that way, surrounded by the things that are still most familiar to me.

I doubt I’ll get back to sleep tonight. With a growl, I kick the sheets off and head for my closet. I choose all black and lift a mask up over the bottom half of my face, covering my mouth and nose. No shoes. I move faster in bare feet, and I like the way different surfaces feel, especially natural ones.

“Stay here, Gyro. I won’t be long.” I need to see him, at least once more before I stay away. For good this time. I’ve managed to for so long, only catching glimpses as we’ve tried to regroup, rebuild, and get back even a fraction of the culture so violently ripped from us.

It doesn’t take long to reach my destination. Not at this time of night, with the shadows speeding my path. They embrace me, as they always do, and the temptation to give up and sink into them completely beckons me. If I had nothing else to live for, maybe I would.

The protections around the Sin estate are nothing to me, not when they’re created by Sin magic. Every symbol carved into doors, walls, objects, they’re all flooded with Sin magic. I’m immune to every single one of them.

Soon enough I’m gliding in through Gluttony’s bedroom window. Always open, like mine. Does he remember instinctively my need to have it open? Emotion clogs my throat, and I linger, crouched on the windowsill, my feet curling over the edge. I want him to remember just as much as I know it would destroy everything. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be worth it.

Gluttony isn’t inside, and I drop to the floor, the thick, dark carpet soft underneath me. It’s decadent. If Gyro were here, she’d roll in it.

The entire room is all deep blues, matching the shirt I wore mere hours ago. A myriad of items are cluttered everywhere. Shelves full of knickknacks, bookshelves with tomes that are hundreds of years old. I run my finger over the spines. Perfectly preserved. Collector’s items. There are cupboards filled with more items, the room packed with so many wondrous things. To most it would feel cramped. To me it feels like home. Gluttony has always gathered things around him, found ways to fill every space of his with more, and more. And then even more.

I deliberately skirt around the bed tucked in the corner, trying not to so much as glimpse at it. Even I have my limits, and seeing where Gluttony lays his head at night? Where he might touch himself? That’s beyond my limit.

The door flings open, and I freeze, one hand on a skull. I didn’t notice his approach. His scent is so strong in this room it’s impossible to track him. I should have been more careful.

Gluttony stops in the doorway, tense and ready. He knows I’m here.

“You again,” he snarls, kicking the door shut behind him. “Who the fuck are you?”

I instinctively glance back at the window even though I know I’m not going to leave. The temptation to be near him is too strong. “I told you already.”

“You didn’t tell me shit. Why won’t you show yourself?”

I wish that I could, and that we could have our happily ever after. “Did you use the orb?”

“He doesn’t know how to use it.”

I feared that. Deacon hasn’t been taught, and his latent abilities are still buried deep. His wings aren’t out, and he doesn’t know the power his key tattoo holds. The things he could tap into simply because of his intrinsic connection to a Sin.

I wish I could teach him the way we teach our children, guide him and hope it’s enough to finish his growth. But I can’t, not when it means being impossibly close to Gluttony. Revealing myself and exposing my secrets is too risky. And he’s too compelling.

“How did you get in here? What do you want from me?”

I needed to see you, to be close to you.

“Checking.” A half-truth, at least. Part of me hoped that Deacon would recognize the orb, that his muscle memory would be enough. A trap I’ve fallen into more than once: getting too close to the reincarnations, part of me thinking that if I just show them something familiar, they’ll come back to me. That I’ll have them back. It doesn’t work like that, and every time I try, I break more of my own heart. The scattered pieces will never mend.

“For what? Whether the orb worked?” Gluttony pauses. “The gift wasn’t meant for me, was it?”

He sounds angry, a curl of a growl in his throat. I bite my bottom lip at the guttural sound, my body responding on all levels. “Did you want it to be?”

“You gave it to me . What else was I supposed to think?”

My heart flutters, and I move closer without thought. I’d almost forgotten this aspect of his sin. How much I used to indulge it. Gluttony can never get enough, always needing more, and I never tire of giving him what he wants. His every desire is mine.

My heart beats wildly in my chest, the urge to reach out and touch so strong I almost do it. So long since I’ve added to his hoard. So long since he’s come to me, demanding more. “Would you like a gift just for you, Gluttony?” You have only to ask, and I’ll give you anything.

“No. I want you to show yourself.” He moves to flick the light on, and panic flares in my chest. I don’t want this to be over yet.

“Please don’t,” I plead. If Gluttony floods the room with light, I’ll have nowhere to hide and be forced to leave. The last thing I want; I’d rather stay here forever, have his arms wrap around me, hold me against his chest. Have one single moment where I can feel his warmth and pretend that we were never apart. That we’ll never be apart again.

Gluttony hesitates, fingers on the switch. I wait with bated breath, wondering if this is it and the last time I’ll be so close to him. He lowers his hand slowly, and my relieved sigh is involuntary.

“What are you?”

“I’m a friend.” A lover. An ally. Yours. Whatever Gluttony wants, I can be.

“I didn’t ask who you are, I asked wha t you are. You need the dark?”

“The shadows,” I admit. There’s no harm in telling him that much. “They protect me.”

“From what? Me?”

“From everything.” Not quite everything, but I have no desire to get into the hurts inside that nothing can protect me from. The aches that will never go away while this chasm sits between us.

Gluttony moves further into the room, eyes darting around. Looking for me.

“Where are you?” His hand clenches and unclenches. Because he wants to hurt me? I worry what it means that I don’t even care. If it means his skin against mine, I’ll take anything. Pride, shame, respect, it has no meaning here.

“Should I come closer?” Tell me no. We can’t do this.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to trap me, Gluttony?” I drift closer, unable to help myself. It’s too close and not nearly close enough. All I have to do is reach out, and I can touch him. The naked need for it is overwhelming. “You can’t.”

“And if I turn on the light?” Gluttony says in another low growl, one that stirs my arousal and almost has me gasping in pleasure. “What happens to you then?”

“Then I leave. And I won’t return.” I shouldn’t be here in the first place. Tempting fate in a way I can’t afford to. Nothing short of him revealing me will get me back out that window.

“What makes you think I care?”

“Then why didn’t you turn on the light?” He let me keep my anonymity, unknowing who I am or whether I’m an ally. I love this Sin more than breathing, more than anything else in the world. I reach out to touch him, the need a real, physical ache. I would sacrifice myself for just one more minute with him.

My hand lowers.

It’s not just myself I would be sacrificing.

“Come here.”

Oh. My lips part, a shudder running through me. Come here, Saeran. Show me all that loveliness. It’s mine, and I won’t have you hide it from me. Words that haunt my dreams.

I can’t resist them. My feet don’t touch the floor as I glide with my wings and twist to stand at Gluttony’s side.

“I can feel you.”

“Yes.” I can feel him too, his body heat so close to me that I can’t breathe. I want to roll in it the same way Gyro rolled in my clothes earlier.

“Not properly. Tell me what you are. The same as your dragon? A specter? The dead?”

“I’m not dead.” It hurts too much for me to be dead.

“Prove it.”

This is a bad idea. The worst. I lay a hand on his arm anyway. My eyes slide closed at the first contact. It’s not the same as a real touch, but it’s close enough and so much more than we’ve had in years. Everything inside me lights up, the truest pleasure I’ve experienced in forever racing through me like it’s being directly injected into my veins.

A brief flash of lightning lights up the room, and I blink into view between one heartbeat and the next. Not long enough for Gluttony to get a look. It doesn’t feel deliberate, more his own emotions reacting to me. Some things are never forgotten.

“Why do I feel like I know you?”

“I told you, I’m a friend.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Gluttony moves too fast, grasping my forearm in a tight clamp. A whine too close to a whimper leaves my lips. Don’t stop, hold me tighter.

“Why can’t I see you? You said the shadows protect you. There’s more to it than that, isn’t there?” His hold is meant to hurt, and Gluttony has no idea how much it does. Deeper than physical. I’m so close to begging him to keep touching, to slide over my skin, reach lower, make me feel . Never let go.

I lean in, reaching up, our bodies almost touching. He’s so much bigger than me, and I know intimately how good all that weight feels pressing against me. “I can help you,” I whisper. Too close, too close.

“I don’t want your help. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.”

“You can’t kill me.”

Lightning sparks around us. It flickers in Gluttony’s eyes and races down his arms. It moves across me, and I tense, desire pulsing through me as Gluttony’s magic settles over me like an aphrodisiac.

“I can make you wish I could,” Gluttony threatens.

“I’m sure you could.” He already does. I snatch my arm away before I do any more. I’m already flirting with danger. I jump out of range, creating distance between us. “But then who will help you?”

“So insistent that we need it.”

“You don’t know what you’re fighting.”

“A Dark Fae wannabe who doesn’t know his own power? I’m not afraid.”

“You should be. The power that stands behind him is the real threat.” An organization that’s been building for years. They’re as proficient at using the shadows as I am. Not in the same way, but something is helping them beyond their scope. Not even Tiernan and I can flush them out. Every time we find pieces and cut a head off, more grow in its place. Like a serpent of the deep, the ones my parents warned me about as a child.

Don’t stray too far beneath the waves of the aerie oceans, Saeran, or the serpent of the deep will take you for his own.

Not “eaten by it” but “take you for his own.” That always sounded worse than being murdered. I stayed far away from those oceans. Not a hardship; water has never been my friend. It’s too volatile when mixed with the Sin that makes up half my soul. Water and electricity don’t play nice. I learned that the hard way as a child, with scars across my back to prove it.

“You know who they are?”

“I know enough.” Enough to worry. We haven’t been able to take down the threat ourselves, even with the information we have. I know they desire the death of the Sins but not for what purpose. To take their place? To free the world? To cause anarchy?

There have been rebellious groups who wished to take down the Sins. None of them amounted to anything. This time? It’s different, in so many ways. Gaining the ability to make chimeras makes them dangerous. Conor gives them an edge they’d never have found alone.

The war will begin soon. Who comes out the victor? I don’t know this time. It’s nothing like when the Light attempted their invasion this side of the shroud. That was a skirmish, a testing of the waters. Nothing like it would be if they were truly wanting to conquer.

“But you won’t tell me?”

“You wouldn’t believe me.”

“Try me.”

I want to, more than anything. I wish we could figure this out together. Connect and be a team, like we once were.

I conjure a different colored orb, this one a deep blue that sparkles with bright lightning, covering it like a miniature storm. “Here.”

Gluttony catches it automatically, his reflexes finely tuned. He twists it in his hand, an intense frown marring his face. The crackles of magic drift over his hand and to the tip of his fingers, a perfect fit with his own. “What is this?”

“A gift.” It belongs to him already. Something I’ve kept all this time. I can make him new ones anytime he wants, but this one? This one is one of my most precious possessions. Seeing him hold it… Tears prick at the back of my eyes, and a lump forms in my throat. “For you alone.”

Gluttony turns in surprise, his hand clenching around the ball. “ Why ?” he demands angrily.

There’s no answer that will satisfy either of us. Coming here, seeing him, smelling him, has been the worst decision I’ve made in a long time. One that will haunt me for the rest of my life, added to the long list of memories that do the same.

I spread my wings and jump from the window, opening them wide and disappearing into the shadows below. With one last glance up to where Gluttony looks over the edge, searching for me, I run.