Page 17
Saeran
There’s a special time in the night, a quiet in-between, where everything and nothing exists. A moment where the world stops and revitalizes itself for a new day. That’s when it all hurts the most.
The bedroom door closes behind Gluttony, leaving me alone here in the heart of his domain. I fully expected him to push me further. I’m a crumbling Greek building, and one more push would have been enough to collapse everything I’ve spent so long building.
My hands shake as I let go of the sheet, letting it pool at my feet. I can still feel his hands on me, his body pressing me firmly into the bed. A lifetime of wanting him, and it seems like a dream that will slip through my fingers.
It has, in a way. I can’t allow it to happen again. I’m too weak for him. And in a split second, I’d almost ruined everything.
It takes a few minutes of searching random wardrobes, cupboards, and drawers to find where Gluttony put my clothes. Then another few to have a quick wash in the bathroom and get dressed. At least I don’t feel quite so vulnerable now, my clothing a kind of shield between me and the world.
When I try the door to the hallway connected to the suite, the handle turns under my palm. He didn’t lock it. I doubt it’s out of trust. Simply that I’m sure my every move is being watched, so there’s no need to cage me in.
The second I step out, I spot a familiar face striding toward me, a scowl on his face.
“I felt it,” he says. He’s not angry at me, but the anger is there regardless. Along with a hint of sadness. That’s always present when we talk about Gluttony. I’m not the only one who feels the loss. Their friendship broke just as firmly as our relationship did. Mostly there’s resignation. If I’m the reason the Light find us, that the rest of us die, he won’t blame me. He’ll stand at my side until the end. And I can’t let him do that, or let him know just how soon that end will come for me, no matter what we do here.
What happened between Gluttony and me fed me enough that I’ll last longer than I originally thought, but it will only carry me so far. The miniscule magic dancing in my veins is like drinking water after years of dehydration. My wings feel more powerful than they have in years. I feel like I could take on the world and win. A small portion of the force I once held is in my palm, awake and ready for battle. Unfortunately, it will fade quickly.
“It wasn’t enough,” is all I say in response. So many meanings to the words. Not enough to bring attention to ourselves. Akin to the same level that blasted out when Lust and Deacon found each other. Formidable in its own right. A power to be reckoned with that will only get stronger the longer they’re together. Lust found his key and with it, the untapped part of his magic that’s been lost to him. But it’s not powerful enough for the Light to feel it on the other side of the shroud.
Gluttony and I didn’t connect at the level that’s needed. Not just a physical thing but one that brings our souls back in touch with each other. I almost gave in and allowed it to get that far, and even now, I have no idea where I got the strength to say no. It killed me, and my heart still aches. That won’t ever go away. I had everything I’ve been dreaming of for so many years right there, mine for the taking, and turning my back on it has destroyed what’s left of me.
“Saeran.”
“It’s done.” There’s no use talking about things that can’t be changed. “I need to speak to Deacon; do you know where he is?”
“No. They’re watching me like a hawk, and I haven’t been able to get eyes anywhere. Diarmuid and Riordan are searching elsewhere. We need to find a way to get word back to the others.”
“The time for hiding is over.” We’re not ready for the Light to find us, but now that we’ve shown ourselves to the Sins, there’s no way to keep the two worlds separate. I can only hope that Gluttony and his brothers will protect them where I couldn’t. Where I can’t .
“You want to join forces with them.” The judgment comes in loud and clear this time. When it’s about Gluttony, he won’t push. But this? This he’ll fight me on.
“What choice do we have? Without our connection to home, we’re never going to be the strength we once were. Gluttony has proven—”
“Nothing. He’s proven nothing. We still don’t know if we can trust them.”
“They haven’t hurt us.”
Tiernan grips my elbow and drags me closer to the wall as if doing that will somehow mean we’re not overheard. I know they can see and hear everything here. There are no secrets within these walls that the Sins don’t know. “Yet, Saeran. Yet. Don’t let your feelings about Gluttony cloud the reality of our situation. He doesn’t know you. Neither do they. Make no mistake that they’re biding their time to see what we do, and how they react to the rest of us remains to be seen. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?”
I don’t know. I want to, but maybe Tiernan’s right. I’m trying to merge the past and the present, and they’re too different. It will never be what it once was. I have no idea what the future will hold, and trusting the Sins could be the final nail in our coffin.
I just want to get back what was lost to me. Gluttony. My family. Home. I wish that wasn’t too much to ask for.
“Get your hands off him, right now.”
We startle, twisting to where Gluttony stands at the end of the long hallway. His dark, angry face should scare me. My visceral reaction to him is anything but fear. And entirely inappropriate, given the circumstances. Being this close to him isn’t good for my peace of mind. The longer we’re in proximity to each other, the worse it will get. Everything in me is screaming to consummate the bond, to reconnect us. Soon it will become painful, an ache that twists and spreads in an attempt to force us together. Gluttony will start to feel it as well. An inevitable pull.
There’s nothing I can do about it.
Tiernan shoves me behind him and stands straighter. As if he’s a match for Gluttony. He isn’t in this circumstance. Not when he’s between us . “I have more right to touch him than you do.”
“From what I’ve been told, that’s not true. Get your hands off him now. I won’t tell you again.”
“No.”
A blast of lightning flings Tiernan against the wall, the plaster cracking under the force. He drops to his knees with a pained groan, bracing himself with hands on the floor.
“Stop!” I yell, moving so I’m the one in the middle this time. Gluttony could kill Tiernan when he’s in this mood, and I can’t lose him. He’s been all that I’ve had for so long. My closest friend. The only tether to a world lost. Someone that once would have given his life to protect Gluttony, would have walked through fire for him, done anything that he asked without question. “Stop,” I say more quietly, holding one hand out to stave Gluttony off. “Please. He’s only trying to protect me.”
“The next person who tries to protect you from me will die, I promise you that.”
“It’s their sworn duty to protect me from anything. Don’t make a promise that I can’t forgive.” I hate pulling the sovereign card. But I’ll do whatever I have to, to keep them safe. To keep everyone safe. That’s who I’m supposed to be even if I’ve failed too many times to count. One day I might be worthy of the crown that my parents passed on to me.
“What makes you think I care whether you forgive me or not?” Gluttony snarls, grasping my elbow and dragging me against him. “Do you think you need protecting from me?”
I wish I could say yes. I want to say yes. I just don’t know. After everything that’s occurred between us… Even then, I still can’t. I’ve buried those parts of myself for so long it’s not that easy to simply uncover them and have everything be back how it was. Nothing is like how it was.
“I need to speak to Deacon,” I say instead.
“And why is that?” Gluttony asks.
I open my mouth, try to find some reason to give him that sounds at least halfway believable. The look on his face stops me. I’m just as sick of the lies between us as he is. “Because he’s my brother.”
Brother.
No longer brother, not really. A fake imitation of him.
The real him is lost, like everything else.
I wish I’d never come here. So many people dear to me are right here in this building, and yet none of them are here. Being surrounded by them only makes me lonelier. I miss my family. And these people may look like them, but they’ll never be them.
He drops my arm like I’ve burned him. “No. Conor is his brother.”
“I—yes. But I don’t know who Conor is.” That came out wrong. I really don’t know who he is. There were once three of us, but that doesn’t mean that Conor is one of us. Reincarnations don’t always work like that. Finding them is difficult enough at the best of times. For them both to present like this is too good to be true, and I learned a long time ago not to hope.
When there’s hope, the pain only gets worse.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
I know I’m not making sense. I wish I could explain all of it, but there are still pieces that I can’t. I know Gluttony, and if he knew the reason I’m trying to keep distance between us, he wouldn’t allow it. And that would spell death for all of us. “He’s not my brother. Conor. I mean, maybe he’s not. Maybe he is—I don’t know.”
That all sounds like a lie even though it isn’t. I could have made up a better one than that, given time to think and work things out. One that’s far more believable. I don’t expect him to trust me without question, not after all the lies I’ve already told.
And yet he gives a sharp nod and steps back. “You’re not going to explain it, are you?”
“I—I don’t want to explain it twice. Please take me to Deacon.” Then I’ll tell them as much as I can. Enough to know if I can trust them or not.
Gluttony wraps his hand around my throat and adds pressure upward, forcing me to lift my chin. “Trying manners now, Saeran? This all sounds like you’re trying to manipulate me.”
“I know you too well to try that.” Except I know that it works. He’s incredibly easy to manipulate. Just not with words. One sniff of the promise of a gift, and he’s putty in my hands. That need for more drives him. It doesn’t work with anyone else. What he needs is me and the things that only I can provide. Gifts only I can give. Satisfaction that’s mine alone.
“Deacon will be in the kitchen, with Lust,” Gluttony answers finally. He trails his hand down to my chest and then lower, resting against my stomach and then around to my back. “Tell your guard to leave. They’re all free to go, without harm. I only want you.”
Swallowing hard, I glance back to where Tiernan watches us with wary, angry eyes. “It’s alright.”
It’s not, and we both know it. But what choice do we have? All choices were taken from us a long time ago, and we can only do the best with what we have.