Page 39

He watches me, but says nothing.

“Then I see them.” My voice cracks, and I motion toward Jace and Mars.

Luna has finally managed to grab hold of the hem of Mars’s pants and tugs playfully while he tries to shake her off without breaking his concentration on Jace.

“How can I even focus on the mission when I’m…

” I shake my head and bite the words back, unable to let them fall.

“Torn in three directions,” Caspian finishes for me in a whisper.

My throat is tight, and I swallow down the lump so I can speak. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I think I already am. I’m sorry, Cas. You deserve so much, but not this.”

Caspian’s hand slides over, and his fingers curl around mine. “You’re not breaking us. We could leave any time we want, but we’re choosing this. We’re choosing you. Every second of every day.”

I look up at him, but he’s staring out at the clearing, watching Mars finally free himself from Luna, only to be tackled by Jace.

“You have no idea what we even see, do you?”

I’m not sure how to answer that, so I stay quiet.

“You don’t have to carry all of it alone, Autumn. Not anymore.” The way he says it makes my chest ache, like he’s offering more than simple comfort. Like he’s offering himself as a place to rest and breathe.

I nod once, and barely manage a whisper. “Thanks, Cas.”

His thumb brushes over my knuckles before he pulls away. I don’t have time to miss the warmth before he grabs me around my waist and hoists me onto his lap, so I’m straddling him with my knees by his thighs, facing him.

My hands land on his chest, and his heartbeat is calm beneath my palm. He pushes the stray strands of hair out of my face and smiles up at me. “I’ll always be here. Even when the others aren’t.”

His words hit me hard. It’s too much, too fast.

I tip my head. My forehead brushes his jaw, and he catches my chin with two fingers before tilting my face back up. His eyes flicker down to my mouth, then back to my eyes before he kisses me.

The kiss is soft at first. Barely a touch. Testing, waiting for me to pull back, but I don’t. I hate that it’s this messy. I hate it matters this much. But I’m not ashamed of how I feel. They each fill a different piece of me I didn’t know was missing. All I want is to not hurt them.

I lean into him, and the kiss deepens.

His tongue slips past my lips to taste me like he’s been starving for this.

His hand slides to the back of my neck and holds me with care.

I melt into him. My fingers curl into the fabric of his gray t-shirt, and I sink into the heat of his mouth and the strength of his arms holding me together.

For a moment, there’s nothing but the two of us and this quiet, unexpected hunger.

When we pull apart, Caspian’s gaze doesn’t linger on me. His eyes flick past my shoulder.

“What is it?” I twist to follow his line of sight, and I freeze.

Across the clearing, Mars and Jace have stopped sparring.

Mars’s unbuttoned flannel lies crumpled on the ground, revealing his sweat-slicked torso, while Jace’s black shirt dangles from his back pocket, his broad shoulders and taut muscles on full display in the morning sun.

They’re both breathing hard, but it’s not the fight that’s got their attention anymore. It’s me.

Luna sits between them with her head tilted in confusion at the sudden end of their game. She glances between them, then at me and Caspian, before letting out a small, uncertain whine.

Mars leans against the crumbled wall of the old laundromat. His arms cross over his head and his head tilts as his dark eyes watch me with a look that sends heat pooling through me.

Jace, on the other hand, stands a few extra feet away with his fists still clenched and his chest rising and falling with each hard breath. His jaw is tight, but his brown eyes are dark and burning. He doesn’t look away. Neither of them does.

Caspian’s fingers slide up and brush my hair back over my shoulder. His touch is light, reverent, and then his lips find the curve of my neck. They’re soft as they graze my skin, leaving a trail of heat in their wake.

I shiver and tilt my head on instinct to give him more, but then I feel his eyes lift away from me, and toward them.

“You’re both welcome to join,” Caspian calls out, like this is all another game to him. Like inviting them into this heat between us is the most natural thing in the world. I almost wonder if I’m imagining it.

I gasp and twist toward him with my heart lurching. “Cas, wait.”

Before I can voice my protest, he leans in. His mouth brushes my ear, his breath warm on my skin. “Let’s just see what they do.”

This is not at all what I would expect from him, from my sweet, sweet Caspian.

The shiver that rolls through me has nothing to do with the slight chill in the morning air.

I glance toward Mars first. His arms are still crossed, but his lips curl into a slow, wicked smile. He hasn’t moved …yet. Then, without breaking that gaze, he pushes off the wall.

Luna watches him move, then looks to Jace as if waiting to see what he’ll do. He stays put.

Caspian’s arm tightens around my waist enough to remind me I’m still in his lap. His chin rests on my shoulder while we both watch Mars close the distance. My stomach has taken up gymnastics as a new hobby.

My gaze rolls over to Jace, and my heart starts hammering too fast and loud.

They should all be able to hear it, but he hasn’t moved.

He’s still standing there with his chest rising and falling with sweat gleaming along his collarbone, but then there are his eyes.

They’re darker now, more shadowed. They could almost rival the blackness in Mars’s eyes.

The heat in them has cooled into something harder.

Jace looks from Caspian to Mars, back to me, then he turns away. There are no words, no parting shot, nothing but silence. Then, he walks off into the trees with his back rigid and his shoulders tight like he’s holding the whole damn world up on them. For all we know, he very well might be.

Luna whines, torn between following Jace and staying with us. After a moment’s hesitation, she trots after him, casting one last glance over her shoulder at us.

The air punches out of my lungs. A crack forms deep in my chest, splitting open wide and raw. I knew it would hurt, but not like this.

It isn’t until his thumb brushes a tear from my cheek that I realize Mars is crouched in front of me. I didn’t even feel it fall.

“Don’t,” Mars says with a softness that surprises me. His lips follow his thumb, pressing a gentle kiss to the spot where the tear tracked down. “Jace’s problems aren’t yours to carry.”

My throat closes, but I swallow and force the words out. “But I care about him. About all of you. I wish I could turn it off, because it’s fucking annoying.”

Mars leans in close enough that his breath mixes with mine.

“I worry about all three of you,” I whisper. My voice cracks under the pressure of the words I’ve been holding in since I started feeling them. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Mars tilts his head. A lopsided grin pulls at the corner of his mouth. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, you know that?”

I blink, confused.

He chuckles. “You’re acting like we’re made of glass.” His thumb traces my jaw. “We’re not. We’re just as tangled up in this as you are, and none of us is backing down.”

I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t get the words to form.

As if he can read my mind, he leans in and answers my unspoken question. “Not even Jace. He just has to get out of his own damn way first.”

I close my eyes and breathe him in, trying to let the words settle, but the ache in my chest lingers, because I feel it. For all of them. And it’s one thing this dead world can’t teach me how to fight.

The ache in my chest hasn’t gone away.

Even with Mars’s soft words still echoing in my head, even with Caspian’s arms around my body and comforting me, I still feel frayed at the edges. Like if someone pulls too hard, I’ll unravel entirely into a pile of purple-haired disaster.

I wipe the last tear from my cheek and pull away. “I need a minute.”

Mars nods and backs off to give me space. Caspian brushes a knuckle under my chin. His eyes are softer than usual. “We’ll be here.”

I stand with a nod and wander a few steps toward the fire, hoping the warmth might help chase away the chill that has nothing to do with the temperature. The guys leave me be, drifting to whatever task they’re pretending to focus on next. The quiet settles around us, uncomfortable and awkward.

A loud thud breaks the silence, followed by a sharp, dramatic groan from behind that could rival any soap opera death scene.

I whip around, adrenaline already spiking, and my heart jumps into my throat when I search out the danger.

Mars is on the ground, sprawled out in the dirt like he’s been shot.

One arm drapes over his chest while the other is flung wide, his eyes closed and his mouth slack.

“Oh god,” I start, already moving toward him. My heart races.

Caspian stands over him with his arms crossed over his chest, his gray t-shirt still rumpled from earlier. His face is the picture of calm, like he’s inspecting a mildly interesting rock rather than a supposedly dying man. “Tragic. Really.”

Mars cracks one eye open and peeks up at me. “Tell my story,” he croaks out. “Let it be known…I was a brave man. A sockless one, but brave.”

“Can you write that down for me?” Caspian asks, his voice monotone.

Mars’s voice turns raspy and strained as though he’s waiting at death’s door. He clutches at his bare chest, that’s still covered in sweat. “Tell them…I died saving the group…sacrificing my last sock for the greater good.”

Caspian snorts, not even trying to hide his amusement. “You stubbed your toe on a rock.”

“Heroically,” Mars insists. He closes his eye again and lets his head loll to the side.

I blink while I process what I’m seeing. My heart stutters for a beat, then I sputter into a laugh that bubbles up from somewhere I thought had gone dormant. “You two are ridiculous,” I say, trying and failing to bite back a smile that threatens to take over my entire face.

Caspian crouches beside Mars and lifts his leg to inspect his toe with exaggerated seriousness. “Hmm. Looks fatal. I give it an hour, tops.”

Mars aims a half-hearted kick at him with his other foot. “You mock the dead? Have you no respect?”

“The dead don’t usually whine this much,” Caspian counters. The corner of his mouth twitches.

Mars clutches his chest. “I’m not whining. These are my last words. Very important last words. Historical, even.”

Caspian grins and flicks dirt at him. “You make it too easy.”

“I’m in a weakened state,” Mars protests before dramatically blowing the dirt away from his face.

Luna chooses this moment to trot back into the clearing with her tail wagging.

She takes one look at Mars on the ground and bounds over.

She nudges his face with her nose and steps all over his chest in her excitement to investigate why one of her humans is all of a sudden at perfect licking height.

“Betrayed.” Mars gasps when Luna’s paws dig into his bare stomach. “Even the dog turns on me in my final moments.”

Luna, mistaking this for a new game, barks and starts tugging on his pant leg.

Mars pushes himself upright with a theatrical groan while trying to fend off Luna’s enthusiastic helpfulness. He dusts himself off before giving me a sly grin. “See? We’re falling apart without you. Complete chaos. Total anarchy.”

I shake my head, but the laugh bursts free and unrestrained. A real laugh. The kind that starts in my belly and works its way up until it spills out.

The sound startles me for a second at how bright and real it is at a time like this, but it feels good. Right.

Mars stands and brushes dirt from his pants while gently shooing Luna away from his ankles. “There it is. That’s what we wanted. ”

A soft smirk tugs at Caspian’s mouth when he glances at me sideways. “Knew you still had a laugh left in you.”

I shake my head, but I’m still smiling. “You guys are idiots.”

Mars winks and reaches down to scratch Luna behind the ears. “Idiots who care.”

“The best kind. The kind of idiots that are all yours,” Caspian adds.

Luna barks once, as if in agreement, then flops down at my feet. She rolls onto her back in a blatant request for belly rubs.

I crouch down to oblige her, my fingers sinking into her soft fur. “All of you are impossible,” I murmur, but this time, my heart doesn’t feel so heavy.