Page 20

AUTUMN

T he fire burns stronger now, built up after the attack. There’s enough wood to keep it going for a week.

Caspian built two smaller fires, each set strategically on either side of our camp. They burn bright against the dark, their light stretching over the wreckage of our temporary campsite.

Now, he’s across the lot with Mars, the two of them moving in sync as they drag rotter corpses to the next street over to deal with them in daylight.

I tried to help, but one glance at my wrist was all it took before they told me keeping the fires going was more important.

I rolled my eyes, but I can’t say I envy them dealing with the stench.

Jace sits on top of the car with his binoculars raised, scanning the horizon.

Even in the dark, he watches for movement, for danger.

Instead of helping with the cleanup, but he took one brief glance at me and said he needed to make sure no more rotters were on their way.

I can’t decide whether to be honored or annoyed, but he’s clearly annoyed with the whole situation.

They told me to get some rest. I tried, I really did, but every time I close my eyes, I hear them.

The sounds those rotters made. The sick, wet gnashing of teeth.

The scrape of bones and decaying limbs dragging across asphalt.

It’s the kind of sound that lives in the back of my skull long after the danger’s gone.

The sounds are still too fresh. I was asleep when they came, just like when Summer was taken. That’s what haunts me.

I was asleep and weaponless.

This wasn’t like the first time. Even surrounded by the three people determined to keep me alive, who have fought in front of me and beside me to keep me breathing through assassins, rotters, and panic attacks. Yet, I still wasn’t safe enough.

Sleep is a luxury I can no longer afford.

Luna barks from somewhere nearby, but I can’t focus.

I shift on the cold ground. Pebbles dig into my hips, but I barely register the discomfort. I wrap my arms around my knees and squeeze tight. My breath shortens. My pulse kicks. The tremor starts at my fingertips and climbs. My vision narrows.

My wrist pulses under the bandage when I claw uselessly at my pocket in desperation, searching. For what, I don’t know. There’s nothing that can fix this. No medicine, no magic cure, only my mind folding in on itself.

Luna whines, a sound low in her throat. She inches closer, like she knows. Like she feels it, too.

That can’t be right. She doesn’t trust people.

My chest clamps.

I can’t?—

“Hey.” Jace’s voice cuts through the roaring in my head, making me flinch.

I don’t realize he’s kneeling in front of me until his warm hands close over mine. The gentleness in his voice would surprise me if I could think straight.

“Autumn, are you okay? ”

I shake my head, trying to speak, but my throat locks. I might as well be trying to breathe through mud.

His eyes don’t leave mine, and I focus on their dark brown color. They’re rich like coffee or dark chocolate, and warm despite the hardness he usually keeps there.

I see the moment realization hits. He understands. Mars told him about what happened when we were first on the rooftop together. I let go of Jace to claw at my throat.

He curses and grabs my hands again. “Look at me.”

I am. His blurry face is the only thing I can see while drowning in open air.

“I’m going to need you to breathe with me.”

He has no idea how badly I want to do that. The fact that I can’t only makes me panic more.

The tremor from my fingertips travels through my arms until my whole body shakes. A pressure starts behind my eyes.

He shifts closer. His knees press against mine as though anchoring me to the ground. His fingers tighten around mine with surprising gentleness. The small pinch of pain helps keep me from fully disappearing into the fog.

When he speaks, his voice remains calmer than the racing pulse I feel when my fingers brush over his wrist. “I want you to match me.”

My pulse roars in my ears. The world narrows, the sound fading to a muffled hum. My fingers tingle, too cold, too hot.

Jace squeezes my fingers. “In. Two. Three. Hold. Out. Two. Three. Four.”

I try. I can’t. A wheeze comes out of me instead, expelling air I can’t afford to lose. A single tear collects at the corner of my eye.

“Again. In. Hold. Out.” His gaze never leaves my face. The concern in his eyes transforms into something closer to terror with each passing second of my failure.

I try again .

His thumbs rub slow circles over my knuckles. “In. Hold. Out.”

My fingers tighten around his. I dig my nails into his skin without meaning to, but he doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t even glance down. He only watches me and keeps counting, forcing himself to remain calm despite the storm raging in his eyes.

I try again. My vision darkens, but I don’t give up.

The world slows.

On the fifth cycle, my lungs hitch, then stutter, until air rushes into my lungs. It’s fast and cold and feels like tiny knives, but it’s air. Sweet, delicious air. I’m breathing again.

I collapse forward into him, and he catches me without hesitation.

His arms lock around my back, holding me together while I fall apart.

My cheek rests against his chest. I feel his heartbeat beneath my cheek, thudding at a furious speed as though he was more terrified than I was, but that doesn’t make any sense.

Luna moves closer still. She lies on the ground a foot away, watching me with big, dark eyes. She’s still here. I want to reach out to her, but I don’t want to scare her away.

Heat radiates from Jace’s body, and I bury my face against his throat. “I couldn’t stop it.”

“I’ve got you,” he says. His hand runs up my spine, then back down again. “You’re not alone.”

He makes it so easy to want to believe him, but I don’t know if that’s a promise he can keep. I am alone, no matter how many people surround me. That’s always how it’s been.

If anyone can come in and take my sister from me, then how can anyone guarantee they’ll always be there, too?

The tear falls down my cheek, and I shut my eyes tight. Then I open them again when I don’t like the vision I see. The part of the memory that’s made it difficult to sleep.

I tell him. Because I need someone to understand.

And right now, I want it to be him. “I was sleeping the night those men came for us. For me and Summer. We were both asleep. That’s what scares me the most.”

Jace stiffens, then tightens his hold around me.

His hand rubs up and down my back in a slow rhythm.

His body vibrates with the anger I’ve only seen at a distance, and I worry I’ve upset him.

Regardless, I dry my tear when I bury my face against him and try to drown out the world and all my problems.

“That won’t happen again,” he says. Another one of his promises. That eases my fears, coming from him. “Not ever.”

I nod against his chest.

Then, because I’m not ready to put that space between us that he so badly wants, I close my eyes and let myself believe him.

Jace vanishes the moment Caspian and Mars return, slipping into the shadows like he can’t bear to be around us. Or maybe it’s me he doesn’t want to be around. I miss his warmth the moment it’s gone. The absence of his touch is almost louder than the rotters I faced in the city.

Caspian pours more water into the metal bowl we gave Luna. It’s been sweet seeing these guys take a liking to her while respecting her wishes for distance.

Mars works on wiping something off his blade with a grimace. I don’t need to get a closer look to know what it is. It’s almost enough to make me grimace, too.

Caspian approaches first, carrying a bottle of water.

He kneels beside me in that careful way he has, like he’s always afraid of startling someone.

After learning more about him, I can understand why.

Without a word, he twists off the cap and hands me the bottle, reminding me of the night I struggled to open it on my own after I first hurt my wrist .

He shoots a curious glance toward where Jace disappeared, then looks back at me. “Was Jace nice to you, or do I need to punch some manners into him?”

I chuckle at how out of character that is for him and shake my head. “He was nice, actually. But thanks for the offer. You’ll be the first to know if I want to take you up on that.” I pause for a moment. “Check back in an hour.”

That earns me one of Caspian’s rare, genuine smiles. The kind that shifts his whole expression from haunted to hopeful.

“Thank you.” I take a grateful sip of the water. It’s cool and clean. A simple, rare comfort.

He settles beside me and is quiet for a moment before reaching into his hoodie pocket. “I found something that reminded me of my brother. While we were clearing out the rotters,” he says.

He pulls out a small bottle cap. It’s bent and worn with the paint mostly chipped away, but he holds it like it has value.

“We used to play this game when we were kids,” he continues, his voice distant with memory.

“Flicking bottle caps across the kitchen floor, trying to get them into an old coffee can. He always won, but he’d let me think I had a chance.

” A small smile tugs at his lips. “He said it was practice for when we’d need to be quiet and quick. Turned out he was right.”

“It sounds like he was a good brother,” I say.

“He was.” He turns the bottle cap over in his hands. “What about Summer’s music box? You mentioned it before. What did it sound like?”

I close my eyes and hum and melody. It’s soft with sweet notes that seem to float between us despite the harsh reality we live in.

After a moment, Caspian joins in. His voice is low and tentative, but perfectly in tune. The harmony we create molds together and cuts through the darkness.

Soft lips press against mine, and a tongue slips past my lips in a gentle, tender kiss. I recognize his touch in an instant, and the mindful way he holds back.