Page 28 of Furious (The Six Six Six Rule #2)

She sighs. “Yes and no, sweetie. I saw how much you adored your dad and not taking you away from him was definitely a factor in my decision. But it would be unfair to say it was the only reason. It was complicated. All I really wanted was for him to change, for me to be enough. I’m not proud of the person I had become.

I snooped into his things, his phone, his laptop.

I turned up at the racetrack for surprise visits.

I was obsessed. I knew I couldn’t keep living that way. ”

That isn’t hard to understand. If one of my guys was interested in someone else, it would break my heart, but I would have to let them go.

I know it might sound hypocritical because I can’t choose between them, but they all know I’m seeing each of them.

I would never lie about my feelings. “It must have been hard.” I say.

“He was treating you so badly, and you had to watch me put him on a pedestal every day. You had to listen to me say how I wanted to be, just like Dad.”

Her reaction surprises me. “That wasn’t why I finally left.

You’ve always been a very well-rounded person, sweetheart.

You would hang out with your dad at the racetrack all day, but when you came home, you’d rush to my room, and you’d drape yourself in my clothes. You’d put on my lipstick and my shoes.”

I smile. “Playing in your closet was as fun as riding on the back of Dad’s bikes.”

Mom nods. “Yeah. And one night, when your dad blew off the dinner I had spent hours to prepare to go to a party chasing a potential new sponsor—and all the top models and starlets who were always at those parties—you showed up at the dinner table all dressed up. You said that if Daddy was busy, you’d be my dinner date.

You had on one of my dresses. It was huge on you but it was your favorite, and you kept trying it on to see if you’d grown enough to fit in it.

So we were having dinner together, and I was only half paying attention to you and the food.

I kept obsessing about what he was doing.

When it was time to clean up, you wanted to help, but I needed to be alone.

So I asked you if you had any homework. You were in third grade then and that week you had to write an essay about the most inspirational person in your life. ”

Fuck. “Oh Mom, I’m so sorry. Did I write that essay about Dad?”

Her voice cracks and she dabs at the corner of her eyes with her fingertips, struggling not to cry.

“No. You wrote that essay about me. You wrote that I was your inspiration. You wanted to be like me when you grew up, Zara. I had always seen all the things you had in common with your father, but I missed the obvious. You loved him just as much as I did. You chased after him and vied for his attention, just like I did. I had been struggling, losing my self-esteem and letting your father get away with the way he was treating me. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but we were a family.

I kept telling myself that I wasn’t just staying for myself, I was staying for you, too.

But then it hit me. It wasn’t just my self-respect that was at stake.

I was teaching you that it was ok to be someone’s doormat.

That as long as a man was attractive enough, it was ok to chase after him, hoping to change him.

If my life was a mess, I had myself to blame and I could live with that.

But what kind of mother doesn’t want happiness for her daughter?

I filed for divorce the day after. For myself and for you. ”

Holy shit. “Mom.” It’s the only thing I can say.

She pats the back of my hand. “Do you get it now why I freaked out when you lied to me about having a sleepover with your friend to go to Bridgeport with that guy? He was just like your dad. I had fucking failed you, Zara. I had to do something to stop you from repeating my same mistakes.”

I lower my gaze. “Did you know that I met Chance, Lev, and Ares that weekend?”

She nods. “I had no idea until Scott told me. Look Zara, two years ago I would have warned you off Lev, too. But he and Scott, and your brothers, learned firsthand how dangerous that world is. Lev is pre-law. His parents hope he’ll go to work at their firm and one day take it over.

Lev has a solid future ahead, now that he’s away from races and bikes and all the temptations of the racing circuits. ”

Yeah.

I need to talk to Lev and Chance and warn them they are truly playing with fire. We all are.

“I’m glad you like Lev, Mom.” I say cautiously. “But what if he didn’t want to go to law school? Or at least not straight away? What if he wanted to play professional hockey, like Chance? Would you change your mind about him being right for me?”

She considers my words. “It would be hypocritical of me to say that I would. Especially since Scott used to play professional hockey before. I think that the environment is a little different from racing, though. Yes, there are hockey players who party hard and are known playboys. But a lot of teams have a family culture, too. Families go to watch hockey games together. I think it really depends on the individual. You know hockey players can get traded and have to move at the drop of a hat, right? It’s up to you if you want to follow his career.

But the point is, I don’t think Lev is a bad boy like your father was. ”

A part of me wants to argue with her that professional sports are all similar in terms of the temptations they offer to the athletes. Puck bunnies and jersey chasers are a reality in many sports.

The stereotypical bad boy doesn’t necessarily need to ride a motorcycle.

But I know I won’t be able to change her mind.

Her experience with Dad has tainted racing forever in her mind.

To her, the fact that Scott had a happy family even when he was playing hockey is proof that hockey can be an acceptable career choice.

In my mom’s experience, the devil rides on two wheels.