Page 106 of From the Ashes

“Hey, Doodle,” she says, calling Colt by his nickname. One I learned he acquired because according to Alexis, he sangYankee Doodle Went to Townevery day for six months once he learned all the words.

I wish I could have heard it.

“Yes, ma’am?” he answers respectfully, methodically brushing the horse while I grab the step stool so he can reach her mane next.

“You know how you told me you wished Mr. DeVille was your daddy because it would beso coolto have a cowboy for a dad?”

I almost snap my neck from looking at her so fast.

He said WHAT? How did I not know this?

I turn to look back at Colton. His cheeks are so red they look sunburned, and he pauses his steps up the ladder before whining, “Mooooom, why’d you say that in front of him? That issoembarrassing!”

Alexis comes to join us so that I’m on Colt’s left side and she’s on his right. Behind his back, she laces our fingers together.

“I said it because Mr. DeVille has something he’d like to tell you.”

Colton focuses intently on Roxy’s mane, clearly too distraught and embarrassed to make eye contact with me.

“Colt, I, uh…” I pause, unsure how to phrase this. Right now, all I can think isLuke, I am your fa-thaand I definitelydon’twant it to come out like that. “I’m really sorry that I haven’t been around before this summer, and I can try to explain why once you’re older, but um, your mom and I want you to know, that I…”

Colt finally turns to look at me.

He has my eyes and I derive enough strength from them to finishmy sentence.

“I actuallyamyour dad.”

His eyes—my eyes—grow wide as his head whips back and forth between me and Alexis, but he doesn’t say anything for a full minute. Alexis brushes his hair off his forehead in that way mothers do.

“Colt, honey, do you have any questions?” she asks gently.

He thinks about it for another minute before asking, “Are you going to marry Mom and move into our house now?” The hope in his voice guts me. Fucking guts me.

I look at Alexis for help. I’m so terrible at this.

“Well, sweetheart,” she plows ahead, completely unafraid. “Do you remember when we talked about how some families have a mommy and a daddy, and some have two mommies, and others have two daddies?”

“Yeah?” he asks, clearly not following.

“When Mommy and Daddy made you, we loved each other very much.”

“We still do,” I interject rapidly, walking to Colton’s other side so he can see Alexis and I at the same time, and more importantly, so I can put my arm around Alexis.

She smiles up at me. “We still do,” she echoes.

“I feel abutcoming,” Colton says, making me laugh. Kid gets his intuition from his mom, that’s for damn sure. “And not the kind that will get me in trouble, Mom! Just onet,” he clarifies, making Alexis and I laugh harder.

“I think just for today, we’ll let you have a pass if one of those words slips out,” she says reassuringly before continuing. “Butyour dad’s heart belongs to Mr. Harding. It has ever since they met a long time ago. Before you were even born. And remember when we talked about how some boys like other boys instead of girls, and that people can be really mean about it, so those boys are afraid to tell the person they love?”

Colton nods his head.

“Well, your dad is one of those boys who likes other boys, and for a long time, he didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid they’d be mean.”

Hearing her simplify it for our young son has my heart breaking for myself. For that seventeen-year-old kid who got his girlfriend pregnant and the barely-eighteen-year-old who almost took his life because of the mess he’d created by trying to deny who he was.

I lean over and kiss the side of Alexis’s head. “Thank you,” I whisper a split second before Colton flings his arms around my neck. He’s still on the stepstool, so he can reach easily.

“We won’t be mean, will we, Mom?” he asks, looking at Alexis while clinging to me.