Page 19 of Foxed Up

Just words.

I walked to my desk, and he looked up from his. Eyes careworn, with extra lines around them, as if he hadn't slept either. He looked worried.

And I couldn't do it. I literally could not force myself to sit down across from him and pretend everything was okay. As raw as I was feeling, as conflicted, confused, and just plain hurt, I needed some time and distance. I veered away, not quite flinching, and headed straight towards the basement and its comforting files, without even shucking off my jacket or planting my water bottle on the desk.

I could feel him watching me, and perhaps that he wasn't the only one. But I just couldn't. I didn't look back, just hunched my shoulders and hurried on.

My boss, Mr. Truong, didn't question it. He kept me busy, gave me lots of work to do in his gruff, fierce way, and I was very grateful. After I was almost certain everyone would be done for the day in records management, I headed up to see the captain. He was usually here later than anyone else, even on a not so busy day, not that we had many of those. The city's crime rates didn't cater to precinct preferences.

"Captain?" I asked, knocking on his door lightly. "Maybe I come in? It's Avery, sir."

"Come in," he allowed, sounding tired and dispirited. He looked up at me from some papers he was dealing with. He looked older than normal, weary, like he knew what I was going to say. I hated disappointing him, but I thought this was probably necessary. If only for now.

I had to say it in a rush or I wouldn't get it out at all, with that disappointed stare on me. "Captain, I want to work exclusively in the files for a little bit."

He actually looked surprised. "You're not quitting on me?"

"No, sir. I just need some...distance from fieldwork. For right now."

"Fieldwork?" His gaze sharpened. "Or...your partner?"

I winced at that word. It hurt to think of that, being tied to him for work even more than I was in private, and whether I liked it or not.

"Yes, I guess so," I admitted.

His gaze sharpened, looking almost fierce, and far too knowing. "You need to work alone, or with someone else, you let me know. I'll make it happen."

I grimaced. "Captain, I don't know what I need. I'm sorry. I just...need some time right now." I fiddled with the edge of my jacket, worrying the hem. I didn't want to be here, to have him stare at me and see my hurt anymore, or to see me as weak, or whatever he saw. I didn't want him to see me at all. I wanted to be invisible again, the way I used to be.

"Two weeks be enough?" asked the captain gruffly. I could hear he was trying to be kind.

"I hope so," I whispered. "Good night, Captain. And thank you for understanding."

"Door's always open to you, Avery," he said. "Go on now. Get some rest."

I nodded, and hurried out, glancing around worriedly, hoping nobody was staring. The one detective left at his desk was yawning, looking down at some probably overdue paperwork. I definitely wasn't on his agenda.

The officer at the front desk simply nodded as I headed out. "See you tomorrow, Avery," she said in a friendly voice, like she wasn't judging me at all.

I waved, and almost managed a smile. Then I hurried out and drove home.

I needed to have some fox time. I always thought more clearly when I was a fox, if not in the same way. I saw things just slightly differently, and I had a better handle on the important issues in my life after some fox time. I knew I liked Jon quite a bit, but I also knew how important trust was, and that a relationship for me couldn't last long without it. I was almost dreading what I'd discover as a fox, but I was headed for a nervous breakdown if I didn't take the time. It had to happen, and it had to happen tonight.

I checked my phone for messages — two short texts from Jon, which I deleted without answering — ate a quick meal, and then drove out to my favorite shifting place, the local park. There was a special changing area with lockers for storing clothes and a place for showering and shifting. It was used by all the local non-wolf predator shifters, including me, another fox, some bird of prey shifters, and a skunk shifter. I had never met most of them in my life, but I recognized their scents, as I'm sure they knew mine by heart. It was a good service the park provided, and a relief to have somewhere safe to shift, store things, and return to.

I promised myself that I would eat lots of voles, that I wouldn't think too hard, and that I wouldn't cry. People always think something's dying, when a fox cries.

I felt some of my control slipping as I undressed, however. My hands had begun to tremble. Damn, I was not going to cry. What a thing to cry over!

It was actually good this had happened. Between how hurt I'd been and how well I'd done with his son, he definitely felt like he owed me, needed to make it up to me and prove himself. He'd probably be super nice for weeks, if not longer. I was sure the sex would be good, too.

If I could bear to look at him.

I needed time. I needed space. I wanted it to stop hurting so damned much.

I stuffed my clothes in a locker without folding them first, and shifted. I ran outside, into the open air, and panted, breathing hard, looking around wildly. Where should I go? Was there anywhere for me to run and run and run, and finally be safe?

I took off, crouching low to the ground, towards the meadow. One short cry escaped me, and then I was running too hard to make a noise. I ran like everything bad in the world was chasing me, and if I tried hard enough, I could finally get away.