Page 17 of Foxed Up

Mom waved us off as if to hurry us along, but she watched as we walked outside. Wallace was looking particularly elegant and beautiful today. His clothes really brought out his eyes, and his chiseled features were looking calm, beautiful...and determined and a little pale.

"You did hear something, didn't you?" I said, trying to sound apologetic. "I'm so sorry about that. I don't know why I don't think before talking sometimes."

"Is that what it was?"

Damn Matt for telling him anyway! "It...it might not have been as bad as you heard," I began cautiously. "I was an idiot. I'm not good yet at being out and proud. I'm willing to try. I want to do better. But please be patient with me." I tried to put an arm around his middle, but he sidestepped out of my way. A quick, light movement, as quick as if he was in his fox form dodging.

My heart sank. The apology wasn't enough, the explanation wasn't enough. He was upset with me still. Would he get over it? How could I fix this? I wished I hadn't said anything earlier. I wished Matt hadn't been a tattling rat. I wasn't such a bad guy, really. But I would shoot my mouth off.

Wallace took a quick breath, like it hurt. He didn't look at me. We walked parallel...but not together. I didn't try to touch him. Could I say sorry again? Would that help, or just make it worse? Even if he forgave me, he might not really trust me again for a while. Shit. Today had gone so well...aside from my big mouth getting me into trouble.Shit, shit, shit.

After a few moments of silence, he spoke. "I like your son. He's a great kid."

"Yeah." I sighed in relief, a smile forming on my mouth. He really was. "I'm so glad. You were so good with him."

He gave a faint nod, and his lips firmed into a thin, compressed line. "But I'm not...not sure I should come over here again." He looked at me then, reproach in his fine green eyes, and pain, and disappointment...all the things I hadn't wanted to see, but now couldn't avoid.

"Why not?" Was he breaking up with me? Not comfortable here? Could I fix this, or was it the end?

"It's not good for kids to get attached to their father's cheap fucks. Even I know that much."

"Wallace, I don't think you're a cheap fuck. I said something stupid, but I didn't mean it. I'd take it back if I could."

Wallace looked at me with his cool, searching gaze, so distant from me, even though we stood so close. At last, he nodded. "I guess you do wish you could take it back. And you know, I wish you could too. I don't like knowing how you see me. Or, if you don't see me that way, how easily you'll bow to convention and stereotypes and throw me under the bus to protect your reputation." He snorted derisively as he wrapped his arms around himself, as if it was cold. He looked so soft, but he was so untouchable, so distant. I might shatter things permanently if I reached out again and he jerked away from me. "Because it was so good to begin with, right?"

I swallowed hard, taking the verbal blow, not letting myself flinch. "I deserve that. But I am sorry." The word was getting tiring to say, over and over, and not have it be believed. Did he really think I saw him only as a hookup? How? Hadn't I pretty much changed my life for him already?

Well, he was pissed off. I hoped he'd see it differently in the morning.

He stopped walking and turned to look at me, his eyes burning with cold fire. "I trusted you. I — Iloveyou. I know I care more in this relationship, and that's okay. But it is not okay for you to...to treat me like that, not ever again. I felt like you'd kicked me in the chest when I heard you say that."

Oh shit. He'd actually heard it, not just secondhand? Me and my big mouth! I'd gotten really good at faking and blustering through, so it had certainly sounded convincing, even to his finely tuned ears. "Wallace…" I started to reach out, but again, didn't dare actually touch him.

He gave his head a little shake, and now I saw there were tears he wasn't letting fall. They made his eyes look bigger, sadder, and they wrenched at something inside me, like a silent scream of pain. I couldn't stand it, not one second longer. He was hurting, and it was my fault.

I'd been so happy when he came over here, when he pushed all this down to be nice to my kid. All the time, he'd been feelingthis. He was really good at hiding his feelings, wasn't he?

He reached up to wipe at his eyes with his slim, elegant hand, now slightly trembling. "Do you know how hard I fight stereotypes every day? It gets old, Jon. Really old. Then to have you behave like that, too…" He gave his head a little shake, and his eyes got hard again, his mouth tight.

"It won't happen again."

"It better not." He turned and started walking again.

I hurried after him, feeling like a piece of human shit. "Wallace. How can I fix this? How can I make it right again?"

He shrugged. "It either happens or it doesn't." He sounded unconcerned, but I knew that wasn't true. As he'd said...on some level I knew he loved me more, or thought he did. It wasn't easy for him to hide how he felt about me, even if he could hide other things so well. This mattered a whole fucking lot to him, but he was starting to withdraw his trust.

Great. I'd have to earn it back.

Our connection couldn't only be about sex, or he was just a fuck buddy, and that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him in my life, full time. I'd been so happy when we were all here eating, as it should be, my...my Wallace and my son and Mom, all together relaxing at the end of the day. I wanted that — not to make him feel like I didn't even care enough to defend him or admit we were together.

"Can I come over?" I asked desperately, as he headed for his car, his back unnaturally straight.

"No, I don't think so," said Wallace softly. He unlocked his car and slid behind the wheel in a smooth movement, elegant and graceful, like a dancer with such perfect control he paradoxically didn't have to be aware of his body at all.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I stood beside the car, watching him desperately.

He shrugged. "I'm not taking off work." He closed the door, started the engine, and drove away. I watched him go, an ache gnawing at my heart as I thought of losing him.