Page 20 of Forgiving His Past (Eagle’s Nest Securities #5)

Why the hell did I just tell her that?

Van stared down into Kam’s widening eyes from behind his polarized lenses. He wasn’t sure who was more shocked by his unexpected admission, him…or her.

If the slack jawed expression on the spellbinding woman’s face was any indication, Kam was pretty damned surprised. As for what he was feeling…

I have no idea why I said all those things.

And now he wasn’t sure what to do next.

He almost never talked about his late wife and child. Not with his team. Not with anyone. And yet, here he was, spilling his guts to a woman he barely knew.

There was just something about Kam that made him want to open up. To share things he normally kept bottled deep inside.

She was so different than any other woman he’d ever known. Jenny, included. Whenever he was around the exotic beauty, it was as if he fell under some sort of spell.

Part of him despised how easy it was to talk to the woman his team had risked their lives to find. But the other…

Why do I feel like this when I’m around her ?

For so long, the only feelings Van had been carrying around were that of anger, hate, and a guilt that seemed as though it would never go away. And now…

“What did you mean when you said your wife and son were dead because of you?”

Kam’s question tore through his spinning thoughts, and he blinked himself back to the present. Like before, she asked a question, and he found himself wanting to answer.

So, with the next beat of his aching heart, he began a story he wished like hell he could forget.

“The first SEAL unit I was with did a lot of deep cover work. This was before I joined up with Logan and the others. We had this one target, a man with known terrorist ties within the U.S. One of his plants managed to weasel his way into a job with the NSA. That guy got ahold of our team’s personal info and passed it along to our target. ”

“Oh, Van.”

“It was a bomb.” He closed his eyes, thankful for the sunglasses hiding the remnants of his grief.

“Middle of the day. A quick trip across town to the store.” He huffed out a disbelieving breath.

“We’d only just found out we were having a boy the week before.

I was overseas on an op, so she’d video called me while she was at the doctor getting the ultrasound.

That way, I could still be a part of it. ”

“It was nice that she could do that for you.”

“Yeah,” he grunted.

That was Jenny. Nice. Funny. Sweet.

She’d been the proverbial girl-next-door. And for a brief moment in time, Van had considered her his.

“You loved her.”

He glanced over at Kam, who was staring up at him with a shimmering gaze. It wasn’t a question but more of a quiet observation.

“Yes.” He nodded. “Or at least, I thought I did. It was all still so new, and then with the baby… ”

“But you were happy, yes?”

Another slow nod. “And worried, and terrified, and all the things most new parents probably feel. But yeah. The biggest part of me was excited. And then I got the call, and just like that, it was all over.”

“Did you ever get the man responsible?”

“Put a bullet between his eyes.” He held her stare.

“Shortly after, the asshole’s entire terrorist empire fell.

Now they’re all either dead or locked up behind bars for the rest of their lives.

That’s the kind of man I am, Kaamisha.” He needed her to know.

“That’s the kind of thing I do to people who hurt the ones I love. ”

“If that’s your way of warning me, there’s no need. I already told you I have no intentions of seeing you or anyone else get hurt.”

It was a warning, but the words he’d chosen had also been a sort of test. And when she didn’t so much as hesitate to once again reassure him she wasn’t a threat, Van’s belief that she was telling the truth seemed to grow even more.

“After the funeral, I requested a transfer of units. That’s when I was assigned to the team I’m with now.”

“You all seem very close.”

“We are,” he told her.

Aside from his mom, those guys and their wives were the only semblance of family he had.

A long moment of silence passed between them, and Van started to think he’d finally managed to scare the woman off. But then he felt something touch the skin on the back of his hand.

When he glanced down, Van realized it was her. She’d reached over and covered his hand with her own.

“Their deaths were not your fault, Donovan.” Kam gave him a gentle squeeze.

“The man who ordered the hit…the one with the NSA who leaked your personal information…the bastard who placed that bomb…those are the ones with your family’s blood on their hands.

Those men are the only ones who deserve to live the rest of their lives with the guilt and shame.

Not you.” She shook her head, a few loose strands of her dark hair blowing in the breeze.

“I don’t know why I told you all of that,” he admitted, keeping himself perfectly still.

He could have easily pulled his hand free from hers. Hell, he probably should. But he didn’t because…

I like the way it feels.

It had been a long damn time since anyone—especially a woman—had offered him, of all people, any sort of comfort. That it was this woman who made him feel that and so much more.

Was she right? Was it possible for him to be forgiven for the sins of his past?

No, she had to be wrong. Someone like him didn’t deserve forgiveness of any kind. Not after all he’d done.

Putting his young family’s deaths aside, he’d taken countless lives since. Granted they were all full of hatred and evil without even the smallest amount of value toward human life, but their blood was still on his hands.

No matter what Kam or anyone else tried to say, Van wasn’t sure could something like that could ever truly be wiped clean.

As if she could read his thoughts, she curled her fingers a smidge tighter around his as she looked up at him with a hinted smile.

“I didn’t know your wife,” she told him softly. “But I’m guessing she loved you back. And someone who loved you…” Kam paused. “I can’t help but think she would be very proud of the man you’ve become.”

Van yanked his hand free.

Not because he was angry or upset by her words. He’d pulled away because…

I’m starting to believe her .

Somehow this woman was beginning to make him feel that maybe he really was worthy of being redeemed. And that was something he didn’t think he could accept.

His wasn’t a soul that could be saved. At least, that’s what he’d told himself for so very long. But now that he’d allowed himself even a second’s worth of time to consider that he might possibly be wrong…

Can’t…breathe.

“I’ll, uh…I’ll be right back,” he blurted, turning to begin the short trek back into the cabin.

From behind, he heard the concern in Kam’s tone when she asked, “Are you all right?”

Van nodded as he lied through his teeth. “Just need to use the restroom,” he hollered from over his shoulder, refusing to look back her way.

By the time he got to the other end of the boat, his chest was tight, and his lungs practically refused to move. He stormed inside the cabin, slamming the door as he marched straight toward the back.

He didn’t stop until he’d locked himself inside the small as hell bathroom.

Shutting the door behind him, he flipped the lock, and then he stood in front of the mirror. With his hands gripping the vanity’s rounded edge, he locked his elbows and hung his head between his tense shoulders.

He needed to breathe.

Just. Fucking. Breathe.

Kam was wrong. He wasn’t worthy of shit. He absolutely didn’t deserve Jenny’s, his son’s, or anyone else’s forgiveness.

Van had lived so much of his life believing he was tainted. No good for anyone, except maybe his team.

Even then, he hadn’t been able to prevent Hunter from dying that day. Like the others, he’d been pinned down, doing his best not to get his own ass shot by the enemy.

So no, he wasn’t the kind of man whose sins could be wiped clean. And he sure as hell wasn’t good for the kind of women his teammates had all been lucky to find.

He thought of Kam as he stood there, mentally berating himself. Convinced he wasn’t good enough for…

Her.

Van’s lungs chose that moment to come back to life, and he sucked in a breath until both organs were full. Blowing it out just as quickly, he looked at himself in the mirror. His chest heaved as desperation took over. An overwhelming need for an explanation as to why any of it mattered.

He didn’t like Kam. Not like that. Hell, until two days ago, he was convinced she was a killer.

But maybe that’s what drew him to her so completely. Maybe it was because they were one in the same.

The thought had no more entered his mind when he found himself vehemently shaking it clear. She wasn’t a killer. Not like they’d been led to believe. Not like me.

He’d bet his own life on that fact.

Kam was, however, a beautiful, strong-willed, intelligent woman who, for reasons he may never understand, had been dragged into the twisted plot against him and his team.

I’ll keep her safe.

It became his new mantra. No matter what else happened as far as the two of them were concerned, Van would do whatever it took to make sure the woman he’d left outside was protected.

You might wanna get your ass back out there, then. Don’t you think?

Cursing under his breath, he turned on the faucet and splashed some cold water on his face. After a mediocre job of drying his skin with the hand towel he left crumpled on the edge of the sink, Van filled his lungs with a deep, cleansing breath before exiting the cramped space.

Relief eased the tension in his shoulders when he spotted her. Still standing in almost the exact same place where he’d left her, Kam’s back was to him as she looked out over the incredible view.

Taking advantage of the stolen moment, he slowed his movements to buy him a little more time. Van soaked in the sight of her long legs and the way the capris cupped her heart-shaped ass. And that hair…