Page 7

Erin

A knot forms in my stomach, pulling tighter as I walk closer. I can see a change in Ryan that tells me he wants more.

I can’t even begin to process what this conversation will look like because I know Ryan won’t handle it well. Hell, even I don’t handle it well and it was my life for eighteen plus years.

Growing up, I had no idea my family was different. It wasn’t until I was in high school that people started to make comments on my last name, whisper about me as I walked down the halls, and eventually any friendships I had slowly died.

I always just assumed my father’s job made it difficult for people to understand our lifestyle; growing up wealthy will do that, and after a while, I just ended up latching on to the kids of the people who worked for my father. They understood; they would ultimately work for my father one day and I would marry one of them. It was what was expected, it was what was known, but I had no idea how truly awful this life I was born into was.

It’s why I left, and it’s why I’ve had no contact with anyone from my past. It’s why I keep it all a well-guarded secret.

I pull away from Ryan slightly and smile at him, but it’s forced and the look on his face tells me he doesn’t buy it. He opens his mouth to say something, yet as he does, Finn walks in and heads right for us.

“Hey, Finn,”

I call, giving him a smile and as he approaches I feel the knot in my stomach loosen as I let out a sigh of relief.

“How’s it going, Erin?”

he asks, leaning in to kiss my cheek and I catch a glimpse of Ryan out of the corner of my eye and have to suppress the laugh that wants to escape. He’s fuming and I can see his cheeks flush red as he takes a step closer to both of us.

“All good here. You?”

“Just trying to avoid the crowd by showing up late, you know.”

I let out a small chuckle knowing Finn is avoiding all the single women in Rockport. He’s like Rockport’s most eligible bachelor and he absolutely hates it. It’s not hard to see why though. Finn is absolutely stunning, especially in that uniform. He’s all hard muscle, chiseled face with the perfect amount of stubble, and he’s ridiculously tall. He just looks like he would be amazing in the sack.

“You need to find yourself a nice townie girl and settle down,”

I say sarcastically, patting him on the chest.

“I’m doing just fine, Erin,”

he quips back, his tone playful.

“With what? Sleeping with tourists?”

“Yep, then I don’t ever have to see them again.”

He winks at me and I laugh a little, shaking my head.

“Well, I gotta go find the birthday boy. Have a great night.”

“Later, Finn,”

I respond, but when I turn back to Ryan I can’t help but laugh out loud. He looks completely ridiculous with his hands on his hips and his eyes wide.

“Have a great night. How’s it going, Erin?”

Ryan mocks Finn’s words back to me, his tone condescending.

“Seriously?”

is the only the thing I can say in response, my tone annoyed almost immediately.

“You’re such a child, Ryan.”

I roll my eyes and start to walk away from him, but he grabs my wrist, pulling me back.

“What the fuck is going on with you and him?”

Ryan demands, gesturing toward Finn as he makes his way across the bar.

“Ryan, come on. You can’t be serious.”

I’m now fully pissed off. At first it was comical, but now it’s just ridiculous.

“I’m dead fucking serious, Erin,”

he growls and suddenly I hate this possessive side of him. It reminds me of my father and my ex all rolled into one and I want to punch him in the throat.

“Listen,”

I hiss through clenched teeth.

“You’re going to embarrass yourself.”

“Embarrass myself?”

he retorts, pompously.

“You’re the one throwing yourself at Finn in front of me.”

This time I do laugh out loud and tug my wrist out of his grasp. Storming away from him, I head for the exit. I will not allow Ryan to ruin Beck’s birthday with a bullshit argument in a room full of people.

I shove my hands into the door, flinging it open where the cold air hits my face and for a second it calms me. But that ends immediately when I hear Ryan yell my name and suddenly he’s standing right in front of me.

“Erin,”

he growls.

“Don’t you fucking walk away from me.”

Again I’m laughing, but this time it’s to keep me from losing my shit and screaming full force at him.

“You don’t own me, Ryan Summers!”

I scream in his face, my finger poking him in the chest.

“You don’t get to control me. I won’t go through that again and if you think it’s going to happen, you can get fucked.”

After I’ve said my piece, I head for the car, but I can hear the gravel crunching under Ryan’s feet as he follows me and yells my name again.

“Erin! Stop!”

“No!”

I yell over my shoulder, opening the car door, ready to leave. I thought Ryan was different, better than this, but obviously I was wrong.

Ryan reaches me before I can close the car door, jamming his body between the door, so I can’t close it. He squats down, his face level with mine and runs his hand through his hair. I can see the guilt on his face, and feel the exhale of his warm breath on my cheek as he leans in closer.

“I’m sorry, Erin,”

he says quietly, his fingertips running down my cheek.

“I’ve just…”

He trails off and I turn to face him, my feet planted on the ground, my legs outside of the car now.

I want to trust Ryan, I want to know that everything he says to me is true, but I’ve been here before. I’ve been taken advantage of; cheated on and lied to, and found myself wrapped up in something I had no interest in being a part of. I can’t let it happen again.

Ryan sucks in a deep breath and again exhales hard.

“I’ve never done this before. And I don’t mean the arguing,”

he adds and laughs a little as we both know this is kind of our thing.

“The whole relationship thing, the jealous thing. I’ve never had someone that made me want to feel…”

and again he trails off, pausing for a second to find his words.

“Possessive?”

he says questioning his words.

“I didn’t like it.”

“Neither did I,”

I say back.

“Finn and I are friends. We have been for years. Don’t you think if I wanted to sleep with Finn I would have already?”

I question him, knowing how stupid his jealous rages looks now.

“I’ve lived in Rockport since I was eighteen. Finn has always been single.”

I swallow hard and add quietly.

“And so have I.”

“I want to say it won’t happen again, but I have no idea,”

Ryan responds.

“I’ve never done this before. I guess we’re both new to this whole relationship thing,”

he adds, slipping his body in between my legs.

I want to tell him that while I have been single for a while, I’m not new to this controlling, jealous relationship thing. It’s why I haven’t been in a relationship for years. But I can’t tell him, because telling him means I have to tell the whole story, and that’s something I’m not ready to face. It’s something I still haven’t come to terms with.

Ryan leans up to kiss me and I kiss him back, but when he pulls away he asks.

“What did you mean when you said that you wouldn’t go through that again?”

I cock my head to the side, acting like I’m not sure what he’s talking about, but I know exactly what I said.

“When you said that you won’t be controlled by me, you added that you won’t go through that again,”

Ryan adds, clarifying his last question.

“I don’t know,”

say shrugging my shoulders.

“I was just pissed off, spewing shit out of my mouth without thinking.”

I can tell he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t push it. There’s going to come a time when it all doesn’t add up. He’s not stupid; he’s a cop for fuck’s sake.

It’s easy to explain away a new phone number or how I paid cash for my house, but things will eventually get more complicated than that, if they haven’t already.

“I think we should go back inside,”

Ryan says, taking my hand in his. I follow him, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m making a big mistake by getting Ryan involved in my disaster of a life.

Neither one of us knows how to navigate this relationship thing and to make it worse, he has no idea that my past could prove dangerous for both of us.

And after the way he responded to Finn, I’m absolutely certain Ryan isn’t going to like that I’ve been sharing my bed with Finn on a semi-regular basis. But that’s a conversation for another time. No reason to upset the apple cart even more; it’s already a fucked up mess.

Once we are back inside, Ryan grabs us a few beers and we find Beck, Kelsey and Finn. Unsurprisingly, Finn and Ryan strike up a conversation and are now fully immersed in talking about police shit with Beck.

I knew Ryan would like Finn, and it was just a matter of time before he got over his jealousy, but I’m still not sure how he’s going to take the news that Finn has been helping me keep my father at bay.

As much as I try to stop it, my thoughts are always consumed with whether my father will find me; I know too much. And now swirling around in my head is the idea of how I even approach this with Ryan.

Shaking it off, Kelsey and I make plans to meet up tomorrow and head out to this brewery for lunch. It’s a bit far, and hopefully all this drinking we’re doing right now doesn’t hinder our ability to get our asses out of bed. We confirm with the guys, who agree but also seem to have little interest in what we’ve said.

Kelsey laughs at them knowing that neither one will remember we had this conversation.

The night has settled into a quiet calm, and I finally begin to forget the fight Ryan and I had, and how I basically lied to him, so I grab another beer and pull Kelsey out onto the dance floor. The more I drink, the more my thoughts fade; the busier I feel, the less they control me and that’s a good thing.