Page 21

Erin

It’s early when Ryan leaves; the sky black and the bedroom shrouded in darkness as he leans down and kisses me good-bye. A whisper o.

“I love you”

falls from his lips and I smile despite the hazy heaviness of sleep that tugs at me. He wouldn’t dare wake me up during my winter break because he knows I love to sleep in and that’s exactly what I do.

When I do wake up, I grab for my phone noticing a text from Ryan saying he made it back to Boston, but even more, I notice that it’s nearly ten in the morning. As much as I love my breaks from work, I can’t spend the entire day sleeping.

Even without opening the blinds in the bedroom I can tell it has snowed; a bright white glow floods itself into the room and for a second, I curse the fact that I don’t have a car.

It’s been forever since I’ve seen Kelsey and I was planning to head over to the inn today to have breakfast with her. Clearly I’ve missed that mark, but I can still make it there for lunch. Although the idea of hoofing it through the snow isn’t my idea of a good time, and just as the thought is floating around in my mind, my phone chimes out with a text.

Ryan: Car will be there sometime this afternoon, but the roads are shit so stay home. ;) Love you.

Got it, detective

Even when he’s being bossy it’s still somehow adorable.

Ryan and I have plans to exchange cars a little later in the week, so hopefully the snow has let up by then because driving into Boston in this shit weather won’t be an easy feat. The traffic will be terrible and the roads will be an even bigger mess, but having Ryan’s SUV over my little hatchback should help with that.

Growing up outside of Atlanta has made me one of those people who is terrified to drive in the snow, a giant baby, and no matter how long I live here in Rockport, I can’t get used to it. The only thing I’m grateful for is that this town is so small that I can pretty much walk wherever I need and avoid roads if necessary.

An hour later I’ve showered, dressed, had a cup of coffee and am pulling on a pair of snow boots that haven’t seen the light of day since this time last year.

When I open the front door a blast of cold air invades my lungs and causes me to hold my breath for a second, but it’s short-lived. There’s something about the cold ocean breeze and the smell of the salt that makes walking in the winters of New England calming.

It takes me a moment to realize that Ryan’s truck is sitting in my driveway. It must have been delivered while I was in the shower; the keys left at the police station with Finn the note taped to my door reads.

Leave it to Ryan to ensure my safety at every turn. Most people would’ve just left the keys in the car or under the mat, but not Ryan. I’m sure the delivery driver was given explicit instructions on what to do should I not be home.

With the cold air stinging my face, I set out walking to the inn, but still enjoying the fresh air and the freedom of not being bogged down by having to be at work.

The wind follows me through the door when I reach the inn; the gale whips the papers on the front desk and sends a chill through the entryway.

Kelsey looks up from the check-in desk and smiles at me as I stomp the snow from my boots.

“Look what the cat dragged in,”

she says, her tone playful and her smile bright. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that Kelsey and I haven’t texted each other, but it’s been at least a week since we’ve seen each other.

She comes out from behind the front desk and gives me a quick hug, and then proceeds to walk into the dining room.

The inn is quiet given it is the off season, but there are a few people eating lunch, and I know Kelsey is preparing for the Christmas Eve brunch the inn hosts every year.

“How’s it going?”

I ask as we sit down at a table in the corner away from any guests.

“Fine,”

she says.

“Same old shit. Still trying to plan a wedding that I don’t think is ever going to happen.”

She shrugs her shoulders and adds.

“Between the finishing touches on the pub renovation and my job of…”

she pauses a second and looks around, giving her eyes a roll.

“planning everyone else’s shit, I can’t get it together to plan it.”

“What about a destination wedding?”

I suggest, thinking this might take some of the planning stress off of her.

“I’d like to get married here at the inn since I don’t really have any family, like the inn keeps me connected to them.”

She shakes her head and adds.

“That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

“Not at all. I get it. You want some connection to your family when you get married. It’s a huge deal and being at the inn will give you that.”

She nods her head, but I can tell the whole idea overwhelms her. In order to host her own wedding, she has to close the inn and she won’t do that. It’s her livelihood, it’s how she and Beck survive in this little town, and closing the inn means the pub would likely close for a bit of time too.

“Speaking of planning, do you need any help with the Christmas Eve brunch?”

I ask and she perks up a bit.

“Sure. I’d love some help and I love it even more when you’re off work because I get to see you more often.”

We chat about some of the things she still needs to do and I volunteer to mail fliers and help her with some of the Internet advertising.

“Are you going to be able to come this year?”

she asks, and I can hear a hesitation in her voice, almost like she’s already prepared to be let down.

I feel guilty, because I know I’ve spent way more time with Ryan than I have with her. Before Ryan came along, I spent nearly every day with Kelsey, even if it was something as simple as stopping by the inn after work. I’m sure her feelings are hurt, like I’ve ditched her for someone else. And essentially I have. The thought of it makes my heart ache because when everyone else failed me in my life she was there, she’s always there.

As my thoughts are consumed with how much I’ve let her down recently, I find myself thinking about Finn and wondering if he’s feeling the same way.

“Of course I’ll be there,”

I tell her, my heart breaking at the idea that she even had to ask. I haven’t missed a Christmas Eve brunch at the inn since I moved to Rockport.

“And I’m going to be around a lot more.”

I swallow hard and add.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much.”

“It’s okay. I did the same thing to you when Beck came back into my life, but now that I know he’s here to stay I couldn’t give a fuck about hanging out with him,”

she says jokingly and lets out a little chuckle. That’s just the way relationships work.

“You’re way more fun.”

“Same with you,”

I tell her, knowing that while I adore Ryan, sometimes being with Kelsey is way easier.

We chat and eat lunch while the inn clears out and becomes nearly vacant, but despite its emptiness I know Kelsey needs to get back to work and I need to pick up Ryan’s car keys from Finn.

Not wanting show up empty-handed, I order Finn his favorite sandwich and a slice of chocolate cake. While I’m waiting for his food, I change the sheets on one of the guest room beds and run the vacuum over the carpet, trying to give Kelsey a break. In the off-season she does most of the cleaning.

When the food is ready, I grab the bag, give Kelsey a peck on the cheek and tell her I’ll be back tomorrow morning to help clean guest rooms.

It’s a solid fifteen-minute walk from the inn to the police station on a good day, but today it takes me about twenty.

The wind whips across my face and I pull my scarf tighter and tuck my chin into my coat as I curse Ryan’s name for dropping the keys off with Finn. Had he just told the delivery driver to leave the damn keys I wouldn’t be walking in the freezing cold with my feet numb and my boots coated with snow.

When I finally reach the police station my face burns and I swear my eyelashes are frozen.

“Jesus, Erin,”

Finn’s gruff voice calls out and my eyes have trouble adjusting to the change in lighting; the snow blinding and the light in the station dim.

“Did you walk here?”

“I did because I thought some fresh air would be nice, but I guess I forgot that Massachusetts is like the arctic fucking tundra in the winter.”

I thrust the bag with Finn’s lunch in it at him and flop down in the chair across from his desk.

I hear the crinkle of the bag and the squeak of the Styrofoam container as he opens it. My palms are pressed against my eyes as I try to thaw out from the trek through the snow.

“Hey, thanks, Erin. I haven’t eaten lunch yet and I’m starving,”

Finn says, and begins eating.

“No problem. Thanks for being here to get the keys to Ryan’s car.”

Finn reaches into a drawer and grabs the keys; handing them to me he says with a mouthful of food.

“You’re not walking back in this cold. I’ll drive you back.”

“I’m not going to argue with you about this one,”

I say and Finn looks up, his eyes wide and his expression shocked. I laugh and add.

“It’s really fucking cold out.”

“Well, fuck me, I think I need to write this down.”

He looks at his watch and grabs a pen and jots a note down on his desk calendar, muttering.

“The day Erin didn’t argue with me.”

“Oh fuck off, Finn,”

I say and we both laugh a bit before the room falls silent for moment. “Hey,”

I ask breaking the silence.

“Did Ryan mention anything to you when he contacted you about the car keys?”

“Nope. Why?”

“Someone slashed his tires and he won’t talk to me about it. I think there was probably more than just the tires too, because he rushed us out of Boston and up to see his parents without any notice.”

Finn shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite of his sandwich.

“Could be anything, Erin. He’s a cop in Boston. I’m sure he has enemies.”

His aloofness bothers me because now I feel like he’s hiding something from me too.

“You know why I’m worried,”

I say, but we both know I’m not asking a question.

“If you’re hiding something from me, Finn, I’m going to be pissed.”

He nods his head, and adds.

“I don’t know anything, Erin and I’d like to keep it that way. Now don’t take that the wrong way, you know I’m here if you need help, but the more I know, the more likely it is that I’ll have to report it.”

This time it’s me who nods in response. Finn knows what made me leave Atlanta all those years ago but we don’t discuss it.

Ever.

Because if we do, we’d have to admit to each other that we both know what happened in that secluded shipping yard. Neither one of us has ever said it out loud, like speaking about it will make it more real.

It’s the reason I will never feel safe. It’s the reason Finn shares my bed and it’s the reason why I wanted to keep Ryan out of this mess.

Finn finishes up his lunch and we climb into his SUV. We haven’t really spoken to each other since my mentioning of Ryan’s tire slashing and my unspoken fears, but when he drops me off he says.

“Call me if you want me to spend the night.”

“Thanks. I will.”

I let myself in and toss Ryan’s car keys into the bowl beside the front door before pulling off my boots. I’m still freezing so I run a hot bath and strip off my clothes. Sliding down into the warm water I feel my body temperature finally start to return to normal.

I soak for bit before draining the tub and pulling on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. I have to go to the market and now that I have the keys to the truck, I set about doing that. After being up in Maine for the weekend I have no food in my house at all.

Slipping my feet back into my boots, I don’t bother tying them as I grab a dry coat from the closet. I step out the front door and then that’s when I hear someone call my name.

I look around, but I don’t see anyone. My fingers are on the handle of the car when I feel someone’s hand grip my upper arm.

“Erin,”

he says, his voice low and quiet, but there’s a harshness to it that only I would know.

“No!”

I scream in his face, as I try to pull the handle of the car door, but it’s locked. I fumble with the keys, trying to unlock it, but dropping them.

“Erin, don’t do this,”

he says calmly, but his grip on my arm is anything but calm. I swore if this ever happened to me I’d be prepared. I’d have my gun in my purse, I’d use the techniques I learned in self-defense, but now, in reality, I just stand there.

“Seriously Erin, I’m not going to hurt you. Fuck, you know that,”

he hisses.

“I could’ve sent someone to kill you years ago if I wanted. I let you live your life because you did it quietly, but now you’ve gone and found yourself a boyfriend and a detective at that.”

By now Anthony has me turned me around, his hands gripping my upper arms tightly, with my purse pinned against my side. Even if I wanted to get to my phone or the keys I couldn’t.

“Tell your boyfriend to back the fuck off or it’ll be a hell of a lot worse than getting grazed by a bullet.”

He motions at my house as if he thinks Ryan is inside, like he’d just sit back and let Anthony accost me.

“Fuck you,”

I spit in his face.

“You have no idea what you’re doing, Anthony. You’re getting sloppy and you know it.”

There’s no way any detective back in the day would’ve been able to track any of my dad’s dealings the way Ryan and his team have done with Anthony. He’s gotten greedy and messy, and it’s only a matter of time before he does something stupid.

“Don’t make me take care of this myself, Erin,”

he says, but his threat is thinly veiled and I know he wouldn’t be here right now if he didn’t feel threatened.

“You do whatever you have to do,”

I say calmly.

“And I’ll do what I have to do. Don’t forget, Anthony, I know much more than you think.”

This sets him off and he lets go of my arm, his hand moving to my face, squeezing my cheeks between his fingers.

“You’ll be sorry, Erin,”

he murmurs and I can feel his hot breath against my face.

“You just fucked with the wrong guy. For once in your fucking life, just do as you’re told.”

His hand drops from my face just as a black sedan pulls up in front of my house. With the force of his body weight, he shoves me against Ryan’s truck and glances at the waiting car, but he doesn’t pull back from me. His weight is pinning me against the truck and I wonder if he can sense my fear, my anger and my hatred for him.

Yet in this strange moment of mixed emotions and sweaty palms and weak knees, teeth clenched and fisted hands, I think of my father.

I try to commit everything about the car to memory, but like everything that goes along with this lifestyle; the car is as invisible as the driver inside it. No make or model listed, an out of state license plate that will be tossed before they even reach the highway, and dark tinted windows.

It’s meant to be like he was never even here.

I know he has a gun hidden somewhere on him, and so does the person driving the car. All it would take was a second for them to make me disappear too.