Page 151 of Fighting With Light

“It wasn’t your fault, Liam,” I mutter, resting my chin on my arm.

He looks away and his jaw ticks. I realize he blames himself, but I don’t know how to get him to believe that it’s not.

“I used to think that my mother’s depression was my fault.”

He looks at me with a scrunched expression. Dragging my fingertip over his features, I tell him what I have never told another soul. I explain how my father took her light, over time, with other women, the way he treated his kids, and how he hardened to the world.

“I’m the youngest, so I used to think I did something wrong. My brothers were older, and my father was shaping them into younger versions of himself, and I was just there…waiting to be used. My parents didn’t marry for love. It was an arrangement. They just happened to fall in love for a little while. I think it’s why Mom was able to have four kids.

“But the reason I think I caused her depression was because I was acting out at school. The school expelled me, so they sent me home early. I went straight to my mom’s room, and I found her… laying next to a bottle of pills. I was fourteen, so I knew some things about antidepressants and overdoses. It’s like I was on autopilot, I didn’t think, and shoved my fingers down her throat, hoping to God she was still breathing because a part of me knew my father wouldn’t do anything.

“Luckily, I don’t think it had been long enough for all of them to dissolve. I took care of her that night and couldn’t find it in myself to tell her I got expelled. I got one of the maids to fake mom’s signature and sign me up for school online, so I never went back. From that day on, I took her as my responsibility because I thought I was the one that put her there.”

“Aelia,” Liam says.

I shake my head. “No, I know it’s not my fault. Depression isn’t anyone’s fault, it just is, though I am inclined to believe that my father pushed her in that direction. It’s part of the reason I started traveling more. I knew I did everything I could, and my time was limited because I knew a marriage to a man I never met was coming. So I lived it up as hard and as fast as I could.” I take a deep breath and kiss Liam’s heart. “And then you found me.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the one who found me, only I thought you were coming to kill me in my sleep,” he says.

I giggle and shake my head. “I definitely could have, but I wouldn’t have. You’re too pretty to put a bullet through your head.”

He grins. “I told my brothers that, too. They just rolled their eyes. But I have my reasons. I require an open casket.”

My smile drops and I look away for a moment. I can’t stomach the thought.

“I was just joking, baby, I’m not leaving you any time soon.”

“My point here, Liam, is that my face is not your fault. I knew what I was doing. He had never hit me before, but I wasn’t surprised by it. I was pushing him farther than I ever had, and I knew there were consequences to that. It doesn’t excuse it, but I knew that walking in.”

Liam’s phone goes off, and he ignores it, frowning at me. “Okay. We can get married as soon as you want. Pick a place and a date, and I’ll make it happen.”

I squeal into his chest. “I love you,” I tell him.

“I love you, too, baby.”

His phone goes off again, and we both groan. We’re staying at his mom’s house, so there’s been no funny business, but I’m ready to have some time just for us, and I think Liam is itching for it, too.

He reaches for his phone and curses.

“What?”

“I got a tip from my contact in intelligence who lets me know about anything regarding Fred, and about an hour ago he let me know about a package that was sent to them with…well, it was our package. Anyway, the point is, they tossed it,” he says.

“What do you mean, they tossed it?” I ask. It’s not like they knew it was from us. Emerson went to extra lengths to make sure that didn’t happen.

“They were told to dispose of the information from someone higher up,” he says.

“That doesn’t seem right,” I mutter.

“It means that my father has a reach farther than we thought,” Liam says.

“So that’s it?”

There’s a knock at the door and I answer it. Esmarie looks like she’s seen a ghost. She’s clutching her robe with one hand, and she’s holding her phone like it’s a dead mouse.

Liam leaps from bed. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes water and she hands him the phone. He reads what looks like text messages.