Page 17
Story: Fight or Flight
Katherine struggled to pull herself out of the deep fog that engulfed her. Turning her head from side to side, she opened her eyes but was unable to fully awaken. Was she having a nightmare? She didn’t know why she couldn’t wake up. Did she die? Was this her journey to the other side? How did she die? She didn’t feel any pain. Giving in to the deep desire to sleep, she relaxed, not caring if she were dead or alive.
She felt something warm and wet on her face. She was unsure how much time had passed since she’d first opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry as she tried to focus on her surroundings. “Dog,” she managed to say. Again she felt wetness and warmth on her face. An odd smell, too. Dog breath.
“I see you’re finally waking up,” Tyler said. “Down, Sophie; down, Sam.”
Katherine’s eyes opened wide. She tried to concentrate on her surroundings. Looking from left to right, she realized she was in her bedroom. “What happened?” she managed to ask the voice in the room. She didn’t remember inviting Tyler into her bedroom. “Why are you here?” Should she be frightened? Had she done something crazy?
“Katherine, it’s me, Tyler. Remember, we had dinner last night? You made a delicious roast chicken and the best apple pie I’ve ever had.”
Slowly her brain began to function with these prompts. “Tyler?”
“I’m right here.” He’d been sitting in the chair opposite her. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.
“What happened to me?” Tears glistened in Katherine’s eyes, then rolled down her face.
Tyler placed his thumb and index finger on her face, gently blotting her tears. “You had a bad panic attack last night. I gave you a shot of Ativan.”
She tried to recall the previous night’s events, but only bits and pieces came to her. “Tell me.”
“You’re having trouble remembering. It’s the drug. Sometimes benzodiazepine’s effects on the brain are the results of an increase in GABA, which is an inhibitory neurotransmitter. It blocks messages between nerve cells. It basically slows down the nervous system. People hallucinate and forget. That’s probably what’s going on with you.”
Katherine smiled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’ll have to take your word that you do. You’re the shrink.”
“You were about to faint. Like I said, I gave you the shot, and it knocked you out almost immediately. Doc and I brought you upstairs, tucked you in bed, and now you’re awake.”
“I’m afraid to ask what time it is,” Katherine said, as she tried to sit up.
“It’s almost lunchtime.”
“Wow, I have to get up, I need to . . . I have a lot to do. Sophie and Sam, have they been out?”
“They’ve been out, fed, watered, and had a couple of treats. Doc told me what they ate and where to find it,” Tyler said. “Sit up for a bit. I’ll bring you a coffee. Get your bearings, then you can get up if you feel like it.”
“Thanks.” Katherine had never met a guy who was this thoughtful. He still wore the same clothes he’d had on last night. He must’ve stayed. Bits and pieces of the evening came back to her. The break-in. The man with the backpack. Her flash drive. Who would do this to her? And more so—why? She didn’t have any family, no close friends. She’d been safe in her home, alone, all these years. What had changed?
Katherine went over her daily routine. It was the same every day. Get up and let the dogs out. Make coffee. Feed the dogs. Shower. Get dressed. Work. Maybe have something to eat. Go to work. Let the dogs out. Have dinner. Feed the dogs again. Look at her Friendlink page.
Karrie.
Hadn’t Karrie said her father had a notebook that contained the first GWUP book? Though that was impossible. All of her notebooks were here in the storage box she had stashed in the back of her closet. She’d checked them herself. But she realized that she hadn’t actually opened each spiral notebook. And were the notebooks still there? Did the thief take those, too? Katherine hadn’t even thought to check last night.
She eased her legs to the side of the bed, put both feet on the floor, and stood. Katherine took a deep breath and slowly walked across the bedroom to the closet. The storage box was exactly as she’d left it. She removed the plastic top and took out a few of the spiral notebooks. They were hers, in her handwriting. Surely her notes for the first book in the series was in here, too. She searched through every notebook she had but didn’t find it. Karrie could be right.
Katherine was puzzled—and ticked off. How had someone, maybe Karrie’s father, gotten into her home and found her notebooks? Not having left her house in years, she knew it was impossible for anyone to just walk inside, search her home, and take what they wanted. But isn’t that what had happened the night before? While she had a guest. She was no longer safe in her own home.
Katherine put the notebooks back in the storage container, her thoughts all over the place. A wave of dizziness overwhelmed her. She crawled into her bed, easing beneath the covers. She wished the effects of this drug Tyler had given her would wear off. She had so much to do.
A tap sounded on the doorframe. “Hey, I’ve brought coffee. You awake?” Tyler asked.
Katherine slid out from beneath the blankets, leaning against the headboard. “Yes, I’ve been up. I had a wave of dizziness hit me when I was in the closet, and I figured I was safer in bed.”
Tyler placed a cup of coffee and a plate of toast on her night table. “No sneaking around just yet. Doctor’s orders. I wasn’t sure if you’re a breakfast person, but you need to eat something. It’ll help absorb the drugs in your system. When you’re ready to start moving, that will also help. Drink lots of water, too.”
“Yes, Doctor.” Katherine couldn’t help herself, despite her circumstances. She took a sip of coffee. “This is good. You found my special assortment of Keurig pods.”
“I did. I’m somewhat of a coffee connoisseur. It’s what I live on some days,” Tyler told her.
“I like that. I’m a bit of a coffee nut myself,” she said, then realized she’d used the word nut . Had Tyler caught that? He probably thought she was nuts anyway, so what did it matter?
“I figured as much when I saw that swanky coffee machine. I wasn’t sure how to use it, so I went with the Keurig.”
“The JURA? Late-night shopping. It’s nice, though. Makes two espressos at the same time. I have four coffee machines,” she teased. “Three too many.”
Katherine knew this small talk about coffee was just to avoid the elephant in the room. She needed to get her act together and find out who had broken into her home, who had her notebook, and how they were able to get inside her house. This was nice, though. She hadn’t been this relaxed in such a long time. She hesitated, because right now, in this moment, she actually felt at ease.
“Don’t you have work to do today?” she asked. Anything to prolong the inevitable.
“I had my secretary Liz send my appointments to a colleague of mine. Rose is a good friend. We’ve had to do this many times over the years, so it’s not a problem.”
Katherine wondered just how good a “friend” this Rose was. “I wish you wouldn’t have. I don’t want to mess up your day . . . your week, your life. I’m good here. I promise.” That was a lie, and she knew it. She wanted him here, though she hated that he’d had to change his work schedule to babysit her.
“It’s fine, Katherine. None of my appointments were matters of life or death. Rose can handle them. She’s an excellent doctor.”
Again, Katherine wondered if Tyler and Rose’s relationship was more than that of just professional friends. It wasn’t her business, but this was the first man she’d been around, other than Doc, in more than seven years. When she actually thought about the number of years she’d purposely locked herself away from the world, it was shocking. She didn’t have any friends, no family, unless there were distant relatives from generations back that she was unaware of. Her choices had placed her in this insane life. Looking at it now, she could see why the folks from the community website called her “the crazy lady on the mountain.”
“I’m so sorry you got caught up in this mess,” she said, reaching for a piece of toast.
“I’m a big boy. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. I spoke to Doc earlier. Detective Davidson called and said they got a good set of prints from your desk last night. They’re running them through IAFIS, so whoever was in your home, if they have any type of criminal record, they’ll find out.”
Katherine knew any hope of keeping her identity secret was most likely futile. She would have to deal with it one way or another. “What is that—the letters, what do they stand for?” She should know, but she didn’t.
“Integrated Automated Fingerprint Identification System.”
“I’ll stick with the acronym,” she said. “Do you know how long it will take for the police to have a name? I’ve never personally been involved in a criminal investigation.” She reached for a second slice of toast. Katherine realized just then how protected she’d been her entire life, even before she’d decided to lock herself away from the world. At thirty-seven, she was as na?ve as she’d been in college. She had been the only virgin in her graduating college class. Not that it was a bad thing, but it was unusual in this day and age.
“No, I’m sure they’ll call when they have any information. For now, you need to relax and get the Ativan out of your system. I’m going to get you another coffee and some water.” Tyler took her empty cup and plate, leaving her bedroom without giving her a chance to respond. Katherine decided she liked that about him. He took charge without being overbearing. Unlike her dictatorial father.
He had not been a kind man. Not once did he ever put her on his knee, take her to an outing, or tuck her into bed at night. Nothing. In his words, he simply “bled oil.” Katherine could almost believe it, because he had no heart, nothing to pump blood through his veins like any normal person. His death had been tragic, but fitting for a man like him. She hated herself when she had that thought, but it was her true belief. Her mother had been cold, too. She could be nice when it suited her, but that was rare. Though she didn’t deserve to die the way she did. Katherine despised these memories. It made her remember the other bad things she did not want to remember.
“Piping hot,” Tyler said, as he held the mug of steaming coffee. “You’ll have to teach me how to use that fancy machine sometime. I like an espresso now and then.”
“I’d love to,” Katherine said, then wished she could take the words back, or at least the love part. “It makes a regular old cup of coffee, too,” she quickly added.
“Good to know. How are you feeling?” Tyler asked.
Katherine thought for a moment before answering. “Honestly, I feel better than I have in years.” And that was the truth. Maybe it was the aftereffects of the drug, or having Tyler there; maybe a combination of both. Whatever it was, she wanted it to stay.
“That’s great, K,” Tyler said, using Doc’s nickname for her.
“I’ll finish this cup, then I’ll clean up and come downstairs,” she told him. “I can’t remember a time that I stayed in bed this late.”
“I slept late for a week after I finished medical school.”
“Tell me about that. Where did you study? Why did you choose psychiatry?”
“I went to Duke for four years, then Yale Medical. After I finished medical school, I did a two-year fellowship at Yale. Fourteen years of books, no sleep, and no social life. Sounds fun, huh?” he joked.
“No, it sounds like you knew what you wanted to do, and you were dedicated. Adding another two years, that’s tough, but I think you’re a tough guy.” She truly did.
“Thanks. I don’t know about tough, but I am dedicated to my career, my patients. I’ve been in practice long enough to know that I have a right to a life outside of work, and I do. I suppose growing up with a father who was a psychiatrist rubbed off on me. He would come home and talk about his day. Of course, he never revealed anything about his patients, but he had a way of telling a story about his work that I knew was his way of getting the day off his chest. Because there are times when a patient can be, well, let’s say trying. Dad’s storytelling was his relief, and I believe it still is when he has a rough day. I keep telling him it’s time to retire, but he won’t listen.”
“If he likes what he’s doing, why should he quit?” Katherine asked.
“He’s getting old,” Tyler stated.
“And isn’t he riding motorcycles?” she teased, remembering his accident.
“That’s not that half of it. He’s a daredevil. I suppose as long as he doesn’t kill himself when he’s working, that’s probably the safest place for him to be.”
Sam and Sophie were lying quietly on the bed. “These two are mesmerized. They’re so quiet,” Katherine said. “I believe they like you.”
“And I like them, too. You’ll have to meet my cat Pickles sometime. What a furball, but funny as ever. He’s quite the entertainer. A show-off.”
She laughed. “Pickles? Where did that come from?”
“His eyes are green, like a pickle. Just wait until you see him, then you’ll understand. He’s the brightest shade of orange, too.”
“Maybe you should’ve named him . . .”—she thought for a minute—“Mango? They’re orange on the inside.”
“A little late for that, but that’s a good name. I’ll remember that if I decide to get Pickles a friend.”
She gave him a sad smile. Would she ever be able to leave her home to visit Tyler to see his silly cat? Or, was she doomed to remain inside forever, imprisoned by her own fear? She needed to get a life. She wasn’t safe here. Until they found the person who broke into her home, she’d feel better if she had another place to stay. She had such a fear of the outside, but her fear of being alone in the house without Tyler would be worse.
“Are there hotels in Blowing Rock?” she blurted out.
“No, but I know a couple of folks who rent their homes out on Airbnb. Lots of hotels in Asheville, if you want to drive a few miles down the road. Are you thinking about leaving, Katherine? If you’re afraid to stay here, I’ll stay with you. Or, you could stay at my house. I’ve plenty of room, a huge yard where Sophie and Sam can run around. No strings, though,” Tyler said. “You’re in a very difficult situation, and that’s putting it mildly, however cliché that sounds.”
Katherine took a sip of her coffee. Could she leave all of this behind, even if it was just temporarily? Could she actually force herself outside in order to go to another place where she would feel safe? If she did, her entire world would change.
“I’m not sure. I don’t feel like I could stay here by myself now. I know I sound like a whack job . . . no, I am a whack job.” Tears pooled in her eyes. She used the edge of the sheet to wipe them away. “I feel so frigging helpless. I have everything in the world except my freedom. It’s insane, I know. I want to go out and be like I used to be. Tyler, I really want you to help me. I’ll do whatever it takes,” Katherine told him. It was all a bit unbelievable, since she’d only just met him, but she felt she’d known him much longer. Maybe in another life, if she even believed in that sort of thing.
He sat on the opposite side of the bed. “Katherine, the mind is a mysterious machine. It controls everything we do. What we think and feel. How we react or don’t react. I’m sure you understand. If you’re determined to face your fears head-on, I promise you will be the best version of yourself. At least I hope so, because, like I said last night, I’m a bit smitten with that woman, and that isn’t changing. But I promise during our sessions, I’ll be your doctor and nothing more. You’ll be able to come and go as you please. No grocery deliveries. No ordering fancy coffee machines from the Internet. You will be able to go out and do these things yourself. Getting there might scare the crap out of you—pardon my language—but I’m just telling you like it is, because I’ve seen my patients go through this. I’ve also seen them get to the other side of this disease. And when they do, their life renews, and they can live again. So I can help you get started and guide you, but you’re the one that will have to do all of the work.”
She took a deep breath. “I’m ready. I want to start today. I’m going to shower, and then I’ll be downstairs in fifteen minutes.” She shoved the sheets aside and got out of bed. Tyler steadied her when a wave of dizziness washed over her.
“I’m here, so no need to be afraid,” Tyler told her.
“I’m so embarrassed. I feel like a two-year-old, but I’d like it if you stayed,” she said.
“While you shower, I’ll go downstairs and make us another cup of coffee. If you need help with anything, give me a shout.”
“I owe you so much, Tyler. I’m not sure I could ever pay you back. Yes, to the coffee, even though you’re probably exhausted. Did you get any rest?”
“I slept on your sofa and had a decent night’s sleep. I woke up a couple of times, but went right back to sleep. In medical school, you learn to sleep whenever and wherever you can. It took me a while to learn, but now I’m a good sleeper, kind of like these two.” He patted the two shepherds on the bed.
“Then let me shower and get on with the day.”
Tyler followed Katherine to her luxurious en suite. “This is the fanciest bathroom I’ve ever seen,” he told her as he looked around. “I didn’t pay much attention last night, but wow. Lots of stuff.”
“There’s a sauna if you want to use it sometime. The tub is good to soak in. I prefer the shower. It’s like a dang rainforest, there are so many shower heads hitting you from every direction. It’s all a bit much, I know, but I love this place and my fancy bathroom. Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, raising her eyebrows and giving him what she hoped was a sweet and slightly sexy smile.
Tyler’s face reddened. “Uh, yes, sorry. I’ll just step out and go let the dogs out again. And make more coffee.”
“Okay. And Tyler . . .” She stuck her head out of the partially closed door. “When I’m finished with my shower, you’re welcome to have a shower and a shave if you want.” She closed the door before he could answer.
Katherine found it hard to believe how her life had changed in a matter of hours. If she and Tyler were to become a couple, she had Doc to thank. It had started with a phone call. If Doc hadn’t told Carson about her stables, where would she be?
The intruder. What would she have done on her own? Called Doc, as that’s what she did when she was in any situation where she needed someone. But now she was determined to handle her issues by herself. She was a middle-aged woman. A professional. A published author with thousands of readers. She was a multimillionaire. And here she was, letting life pass her by.
No more , she thought, as she stood under the warm water. Today was the first day of the rest of her new life.
She used the tangerine body wash she’d purchased online. The smell really did rejuvenate her, just as they’d advertised. Katherine would write a good review for the small shop in Blowing Rock that she’d ordered the body wash from. Taking her hair out of its braid, she washed it with an herbal shampoo she’d ordered from Amazon. It was nice, but nothing she would take the time to review.
When she finished her shower, she dressed in a pair of Levi’s and a black long-sleeved T-shirt. Her Nikes were back in her closet, thanks to either Doc or Tyler. Their kindness really did overwhelm her. She took the sneakers, grabbed a pair of socks, and slid her feet inside. It felt good to actually wear shoes.
When she reached the bottom of the staircase, she waited for a moment, watching Tyler in her kitchen. He looked like he belonged there. His movements were effortless, as if he knew her kitchen inside and out. She felt like today was her first Christmas, and the break-in, and all that went with it, didn’t matter right now. She was beginning to feel like her old self. No rapid heartbeat. No tightening in her throat or dry mouth. Her hands weren’t shaking. She didn’t feel as though she’d die if she stepped outside. Was she really agoraphobic? Or had she used that as an excuse in order to keep herself safe? Either way, she really did need Tyler’s help.
“Hi there,” Katherine said as she walked through the dining room. “Are you making more coffee, I hope?”
“No, I was putting the dinner dishes in your dishwasher,” Tyler said.
Reality set in for Katherine. “I’m so sorry, Tyler.”
He wiped his hands on a paper towel, then took her hands in his. “Katherine, please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m here because I want to be, okay?”
She couldn’t grasp why anyone would want to hang out with the “crazy lady on the mountain.” Apparently, Tyler was a bit crazy. Didn’t they say psychiatrists were a bit loony themselves?
“Katherine?” Tyler said.
“Sorry, my mind was wandering.”
“Let’s have that coffee, and then we’ll talk.” Tyler handed her a fresh mug of coffee, then waited for his to finish brewing.
Katherine sat down on a barstool at the kitchen island. Tyler sat across from her. He was the first to speak. “Are you one-hundred-percent sure you’re ready for treatment?”
“I said I was,” Katherine stated. “I won’t go back on my word.” She hoped like hell she wouldn’t. Now she had someone to fight for, other than herself. Though she wouldn’t admit that to him. Not yet, as her feelings for him were new, fresh. She had enough sense not to reveal them yet, if at all.
“Good. Then if you’re sure, I want to start today,” Tyler said.
Maybe she’d spoken too soon. With the break-in and her missing notebook and flash drive, she’d assumed they wouldn’t start therapy until the investigation was completed. But she’d given her word, and right now that was all she had.
“Okay, let’s do this.” Katherine waited for the familiar sensations to paralyze her, to send her into a deep vortex of fear. There was nothing. No dry throat. No rapid heart rate. No sweaty palms. No choking sensation. “Tyler, I have to tell you this. When I talk or even think about my panic attacks, I usually have one, almost on demand. It’s not happening now. Is there a medical explanation for that?”
He smiled at her. “There are many factors, K, and I’ll take you through them one at a time as needed, with your permission.”
“Sure. I need to do this. I’m ready now,” she said, leaning across the island and getting as close to him as the space allowed.
“All right, then there is one test we can do now, if you’re willing.”
“Tell me what it is,” she said, fearful but ready.
“I want you to go outside with me.”
Katherine had known this was coming, and she waited for the dread to consume her, but the familiar panic didn’t come. She waited a full minute before giving her answer. “Let’s give it a go.” She downed the rest of her warm coffee and stood up.
Tyler walked over to her side. “Now, if at any time you feel any sensation that makes you uncomfortable, I want you to tell me. It doesn’t matter what it is, even if you think it’s insignificant, I want to know. That’s part of your therapy,” Tyler said, then took her hand.
“Do you always hold your patient’s hand?” She smiled.
“No.” He grinned back at her.
They stood in front of the French doors. Sophie and Sam stood beside them. Katherine noticed the makeshift repairs to the two windowpanes. “You did this?” she asked before they opened the doors.
“Yes. Are you trying to stall, Katherine?”
“No, I’m not.” She dropped his hand like a hot potato, went to the door, and swung it open. Before she could stop herself, she stepped outside onto the deck. Then, to her utter shock and amazement, she walked down the steps circling around to the front of her house.
Standing there, the sight of her home from the outside was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She waited for the panic to come, but all she felt now was excitement.
“Oh geez! How magnificent!” Katherine had no clear memory of the view from this standpoint, but seeing it now was mind-boggling. She turned around, her eyes scanning everything, trying to take it all in, all that she’d prevented herself from experiencing for seven years—the joy, the scents, the sounds—it was out of this world. There truly was a God, she thought. She had doubted him as a child, but no more.
“K, you’re going down in the record books as the most successful case of agoraphobia on record. How do you feel?” Tyler asked when he joined her.
She saw the amazement on his face. Fighting off the urge to jump in his arms, she held back, though her smile was as bright as the sun that shone in the sky. “I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet, that’s how I feel. Why now? Before today, I couldn’t even think about going outside. I’ve tried stepping onto the deck many times, and I would run back inside because I was afraid, and I’d have a panic attack. Sometimes I could stop them—but why this, why now? Did that shot you gave me last night have some magic potion in it, or what?”
The dogs were as ecstatic as she was, both jumping up and down. She bent down to their level. “It’s a miracle, right?” She scratched them between their ears, and then they took off running so far, she lost sight of them. This is what they were used to; she’d been clueless. What if something had happened to them? Of course she would’ve called Doc, her safety person.
“What about going for a drive?” Tyler asked, a sexy smile on his face. His blue eyes really did match the sky, she thought, knowing how cliché it sounded, but she didn’t care. It was true. His dark black hair was no longer sleek. Her first impression of him had conveyed professionalism, but now his hair was messy and even sexier. He took her hand again. “So, do you?”
She raised her brows. “Do I what?”
“Do you think you’ll be able to get in my SUV, which is parked around the other side of the house. And yes, before you ask, we can take Sam and Sophie. So, are you up for a ride? You wanna see the town where you live?”
She wasn’t sure what to do. “What if the people who broke in last night return?”
“Trust me, they won’t,” Tyler said, still holding her hand.
“You can’t know that for sure, Tyler.”
“I want you to look at me, and don’t take your eyes off of mine. Can you do that?”
If he only knew what her thoughts had been a moment ago. “Of course,” said the new Katherine.
“Okay, there are six professionals watching your house as we speak.” He touched her cheek. “No looking around. I had Ilene do her thing last night. No one will get within a mile of your house, I promise.”
Katherine couldn’t say a word.
“I’m going to be blunt, so if I hurt your feelings, I’ll apologize when I’m finished,” Tyler said. “Who did this to you? Someone has beaten you down so badly that you have no faith in humanity. Whatever I did—and will continue to do for you—is because I want to. I really like you, Katherine. I like you more than any woman I’ve dated. I don’t really know you, but it’s easy to see you think so little of yourself by the way you question what others do for you. You’re kind and beyond beautiful. You are smart. You’re a bestselling author. You’re a fantastic cook. You love Sam and Sophie and take excellent care of them. That’s all I know about you, but I want to get to know more. You’re broken; and I want to help put you back together. Not as a doctor, but as a man.” He backed away.
“The doctor part is secondary, for when you decide.”
Stunned, she just stood there like a lawn ornament. She wrapped her arms around herself, against the beginning of an autumn chill. Words were her life, but at the moment she couldn’t think of a damned word to say.
“Are you pissed off?” Tyler asked. “I’m sorry, okay? But I meant every word I said. I want to be with you, get to know you better. We can figure out everything as we go, K. Do you mind if I call you K, or would you rather I call you Katherine?”
She shook her head, turning away from him, knuckling away her tears so he wouldn’t see how his words affected her. He was right. For one man to discover those things about her in such a small amount of time was precious. Before he walked away, she turned to face him. “I don’t care what you call me, Tyler. I’m not sure if your ability to see through all my craziness is due to your profession, or if you’re just the sweetest guy in the world. Probably a bit of both.” She wiped away another tear that had spilled down her cheek.
“I am grateful for all that you’ve done for me in such a short time. Why would I be upset? You’ve brought me back to life. How can I thank you?”