Page 43 of Faster

Chapter Thirty-One

“You’re a coward, Liam Sullivan.” The wind made the ends of Micaela’s hair flip behind her shoulders, adding such a precise end to that statement that she might have thought Mother Nature was on her side. “No wonder you left the sport before winning a championship. You’re afraid of your own son.”

Liam ran his fingers though his messy dark hair, and it stuck up where the cowlicks had their way with him. She wanted to reach out and brush the strands down, like she had almost done a few weeks before—after the Spanish Grand Prix. But she’d been thinking about the cameras then.

She’d thought this trip would bring some freedom for them—to touch each other the way they liked and act like they were actually in a relationship with one another. But he’d had to let his son and Paola tag along, which ruined everything.

“I don’t want to do this, but I don’t think we have a choice.” She could hear the ache in his voice. He hated disappointing people, and he took the responsibility of the whole team—of everyone in his life—on his shoulders.

But this was ridiculous. “You can’t be in charge of anyone else’s emotions. As young as I am, I know that.” She’d gone to enough therapy to get over her shitty dad to know she wasn’t responsible for his bad moods and bursts of anger any more than she was responsible for Brent’s cheating.

“We knew this would be difficult when it started.” He reached over the table as though he was about to grab her hand, but she snatched it away and stood up, facing the railing and the dark sea.

Between the twinkling lights from the scattered houses on the cliffs along with the breeze and the company, this should have been one of the most romantic nights of her life. But he was going to break up with her because he didn’t want to deal with his son’s wrath.

Instead of standing behind her, enveloping her in his heat, he stood to the side, grasping the railing with his big hands.

She still wanted him to touch her more than anything.

She wanted his hands all over her. If he knew the depth of her wanting, he wouldn’t be doing this.

He’d be hauling her below deck, regardless of the consequences.

But her pride wasn’t going to let her beg him to see sense. His mind was made up, and there was nothing for her to do. “He’s such a little asshole. Maybe I was wrong, and you aren’t a good father.”

His grip tightened on the railing, which told her she’d made a direct hit. His ego was so wrapped up in his image of himself as a good man, a good father. Everything in her body hurt from just knowing he wouldn’t touch her again and hurting him wasn’t making her feel any better.

The sting of tears made the lights on shore dance and distort.

The reflection on the sea was a dark mirror for the chill that threatened to overtake her, body and soul.

She wasn’t tempted to dive into the oblivion, but she wished she could get away right now.

She wished she was in a car, on an open track, and could prove she was worthy of not feeling like this.

“I’m sorry, Micaela.” She didn’t want to hear him broken if he was intent on tearing her apart this way. She wanted him resolved in it. She could handle that. Hearing he was unsure about this was more than she could take.

She turned to him, but he was blurry. The tears fell freely now, but he couldn’t see because he was looking away. “Look at me.”

To his credit, he followed instructions. “Please don’t cry.”

“Why shouldn’t I cry, Liam?” Her voice faltered, but she wasn’t afraid of what she felt for him, and he should have to know before he did this.

“The man I’m sleeping with is breaking things off because he’s afraid.

” She let loose a humorless chuckle that echoed over the water.

“The man who is in my ear every weekend, telling me not to be scared, to take what I want with both hands and not let go, is so afraid of the small, petty man that he raised that he won’t tell him to fuck off. ”

“He’s my son, Micaela.” He reached out and grabbed her upper arms. She wanted to push him away, but this might be the last time he touched her. “I can’t treat him like your father treated you, or I wouldn’t be the man you think I am.”

“I know you’re not my father.” She did. His steadfast caring—the kind that hadn’t damaged his masculine image at all—might have been the first thing that attracted her to him.

But that wasn’t all of it. He spoke to the animal part of her.

He was meant to be her mate, not a parental figure.

But perhaps he didn’t see it that way. Maybe he was trying to work his past out using this affair more than she was.

“But maybe I’m some sort of sick stand-in for Brent, so you don’t have to feel like you failed as a parent.”

She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, probably smearing mascara all over her face. It didn’t matter because the paparazzi and fans weren’t there to see it, and she wanted Liam to see her pain. She wanted him to eat it at every meal, every time he saw her.

“You’re better than this, Micaela.” Liam’s voice was maddeningly calm. “You know that this is not just about Brent. This is about your career, the team, our reputations. Starting this affair was a terrible idea in the first place.”

“It was my idea. You don’t have to point out how terrible it was.”

He surprised her by pulling her close. “You think it was your idea.” The desirous edge to his tone sent a shiver down her spine.

“But I thought of you differently from the moment I saw you with him this season. I was jealous when you laughed at one of his jokes. After you won that race, I wanted you sweaty and satisfied in my arms even more than I wanted to breathe. I think of little else but making you happy. When you’re disappointed, I feel it in my bones.

The way your face looks just now—knowing that it’s my fault—leaves me without words. ”

“You love me.” He didn’t say whether that was true, but she knew it was. She pulled away and looked up at him. He was gathering the strength he needed to make her leave him. “You love me, but you just love him more.”

The quiet words sat like a stone at the bottom of the sea. That was the way it should be, but Micaela wanted to be tethered to that stone. To sink. It was the way it should be. He should love his son more than he loved himself. He should be willing to give up love to have his son in his life.

But that didn’t change the deep hurt that would take up residence beneath her skin, maybe never letting her go. It didn’t change that she would look at him and crave his touch—maybe forever—simply because it was the one thing she couldn’t have anymore.

“It’s not that.” She would have expected him to quietly slink away, given that he was behaving like a coward. “I love him like he’s a part of myself. I took too much from him while he was growing up, just by being in this sport. And then I made him obsessed with it when—”

Brent wasn’t ever going to be as quick as Liam had been in his heyday, but there was something about him that wouldn’t allow him to quit. And Liam wouldn’t end his son’s quest if he wasn’t forced to.

Whatever instinct that had made Micaela think Liam would put his own happiness over his son’s had lied to her.

Micaela nodded. “I understand.”

Again, she expected him to walk away and leave her broken to collect her thoughts.

That’s what he would have done if she’d had a disappointing race.

But he surprised her by turning her around in his arms, so that he was caging her between his body and the rail.

The heat of him permeated her skin and alleviated some of the pain she was feeling.

But the knowledge it wasn’t permanent made her sting.

He leaned close, brushing her hair away from the back of her neck before placing his lips there. She couldn’t stop the moan that left her mouth.

“I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be touching you.” His anguish wrote those words, and she couldn’t deny them. It eased her to know he couldn’t just let go of her either. “But I can’t seem to stop myself.”

She didn’t tell him she never wanted him to stop.

That wasn’t fair to either of them. But she didn’t put a halt to him touching her.

Not even when he wrapped one arm around her and pulled her back to him so she could feel how hard he was for her.

She felt as though she’d had a whole giant bottle of champagne and was on the comedown from her buzz.

Tears formed and dropped before she could do anything about it.

“One more time, Micaela.” Liam was pleading with her, and more tears came because she wasn’t about to deny him. “Just give me one more time, and we’ll leave it alone.”

This wouldn’t work. She wasn’t going to get him out of her system.

That wasn’t possible, and she wouldn’t want that even if it was.

She would carry a piece of him inside her forever.

She let her head fall back against his shoulder and looked up at his face.

He was upside down from this angle, but he was turning her inside out.

“One more time.”

He pushed away from the rail, taking her with him.

They made their way below deck and to his stateroom.

She’d always thrilled entering this room before tonight, and she wondered how large a part of what had drawn her to him was how forbidden their relationship was.

She was always seeking out the biggest adrenaline rush, and maybe that was it.

Maybe she hurt because being with Liam was the closest she ever got to the feeling she had inside a fast car.

But the way he didn’t let her go all the way down to his room told her it wasn’t that. He turned her in his arms again when they were below deck. She pressed her face into the soft linen of his shirt, needing to memorize the way he smelled for later. When she couldn’t have him.