Page 3 of Fast Break
Three
Palmer
I entertain the thought of going out for the length of the ride to the lobby.
Once there, reality sets in. I have no business going out to abarthe night before agame.
Some of myteammatesare going out to "blow off steam," likeCharlie said, but they're hitting up a club and those who aren't are spending the evening with their families or significant others.
I didn't want to go dancing, and I no longer had a significant other, which left a quiet night at home in my apartment, going overgamefilm or—more likely—binge watching the latestseasonof Reacher.
The last thing I want to do is go out and having to pretend everything is okay.
Other thanTisha, no one in the organization knows aboutBrennanandRania, and Iplanto keep it that way.
No one cares about or needs to know the sordid details of my pathetic love life.
A pang of loneliness shoots through mychestas I unlock the door and enter the silent apartment.
It's a swanky place. One bedroom, one-and-a-half bath, in the tony Roland Park neighborhood ofBaltimore, with a private garage and pool.
The stainless steel appliances were all new and the ensuite bathroom boasts a soaking tub, which my aching muscles love.
I'd rather live closer to the stadium or nearer myteammates, but my parents insisted, andBrennanwas all too eager to take them up on their offer to cover first and last month's rent when we moved in.
I considered moving when the lease is up in thefall, but I'd reallymissthe tub.
WhenBrennanmoved out, he left behind the furniture but also empty bookshelves and cabinets, and voids on the wall where art once hung.
I haven't gotten around to replacing anything he took, so after five months, the place looks only half-lived in.
Maybe it's time I restock the bookshelves and buy new sets of dishes.
It'd been our apartment for so long, but it’s time I make itmineandminealone.
Idropmy bag by the bedroom door and toe off my sneakers, then collapse onto the double bed we'd once shared.
I stare up at the painting hanging above the headboard, a sensual abstract piece by Cameron Blake, the major league ballplayer-turned-artist of a woman emerging from a daisy.
It had cost a small fortune, one of the few times I indulged myself and refused to give in to Brennan's derision of my taste.
It's quiet, except for the occasional horn and the low bass thrum from my neighbor's radio.
Too quiet. I turn my face into my pillow and stare at the empty side of the bed.
The sheets are cool totouch, a feature I usually appreciate.
Other than during my time in Philly, when I didn't have time or inclination todate, this is the longest I've been without a steadyboyfriendsince high school.
I didn't have many relationships, but each one, includingBrennan,was a serious relationship.
There was Barry, my freshman-yearboyfriend.
He was a junior and tutored me in statistics and probability the first semester.
We had our firstdateafter finals, and by the end of the year, I'd moved my things into his off-campus apartment.
Things were great until he came back from SpringBreakwith a pierced ear and a sorority girl named Darby.
Next came Alexei, the right wing for our school's hockeyteam.
I spent all of junior year and thestartof senior year walking on clouds as his girl.
Right until I walked in on him taking ashoton the five-hole with his roommate's girlfriend.
His roommate, Ignacio, and I trauma bonded over the situation, and by May, when I was drafted to play for Philadelphia after graduation, I was already planning my wedding to Ig around theseason.
Instead of proposing to me, however, he eloped with said former girlfriend.
Then there'sBrennan. Another three years wasted because I'm so stupid with my heart. What do I have toshowfor it? This aching loneliness and a cold bed. I pound the mattress, disgusted with myself, and scoop up my phone to textTisha.
Me
I figured out my problem. I need a fling.
Tisha
Yeahhh... that's what I told you
Me
No, you said I needed to get laid. But I need more. Ifallin love with the guys Idatewayyyy too quickly. Do you know I have never gone to bed with someone Iwasn'tin a committed relationship with? I'm a serial monogamist and I must be stopped!
Tisha
Girl, how much you have to drink already?
Me
Nothing. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity, thinking about my previous relationships. Each one burned hot and fast, like a shooting star, until it fizzled out when they found someone else.
Tisha
You're losing me... What are you sayingexactly?
Me
I'm saying I need to change my attitude. No more falling in love, at least not at first sight.
Tisha
Alright... but how?
Me
Like you said. Get laid. It'll be like a vaccine.
Once I prove to myself I can have a fling with a guy–datehim, duck him–with no hearts involved, then the next time Imeetsomeone with potential, I'll know how to keep it casual until I'm absolutely sure.
My brain won't hang out the "Committed" sign at the first organism.
Me
*fuck *orgasm
Tisha
Maybe I've had too much to drink because that's making sense
Me
I'm going to be seeing Brennan and Rania at all major family events, and minor ones, too, if my mother has any say. I can't face them when I'm so lonely and I definitely can't face them with another failed relationship. The next time I fall in love, it has to be the last time.
Tisha
So you think this will work? You think getting some good will change your brain chemistry?
Me
Crude. But accurate.
Tisha
Got anyone in mind?
Me
Charlie Salinas invited me to join the media team for happy hour at Poe's.
The text bubbles bounce for half a minute.
Tisha
Charming Charlie??? Girl, you have my blessing
Me
I'm not his usual type. He likes pixie women.
Tisha
So?Showhim what it's like to be with a real woman
I grin at Tisha’s confidence in me.
Me
Might be a problem–I'm notexactlyexperienced. My body count is single digit, and never anything more adventurous than me on my knees. EspeciallyBrennan.
Tisha
Enough. Don't need to hear it. ButCharlieis a great choice because he's so experienced. I bet he can teach you things... And he's hot AF
Me
So. We're agreed. I'm going to go out and hit onCharlie.
Tisha
If you're looking for a good time, then go. Just don't forget we have a game tomorrow night.
Me
I'll be home early, mom. Tonight is more like scouting, feeling him out. Nothing would be more mortifying than getting rejected by CharmingCharlie.
I put my phone on the charger and sigh. I've never had a one-nightstandor short-term fling before.
I'm not usually confident enough topickup an attractive guy in abarand take him back to my bed, not that there have been all that many opportunities.
I've never wanted to do anything to tarnish my reputation or my family's.
I've never done anything so recklessly fun .
"Let's do it."Mind made up, Ipushoff the bed.
Charlieand I have been friends since I joined theteamand he's always been a little flirtatious.
It's his personality. Friends with benefits is something I've never tried before, and Charlie strikes me as the perfect candidate.
But would he be interested? I'll never know unless I put myself out there.
I am going to be spontaneous and bubbly and fun. Suck on that,Brennan.
Too bad my closet doesn't reflect my new attitude.
Other than athleisure or jeans and tees, I have the more formal clothes my mother insisted on buying me.
If I were going to a teapartyor a ladies' garden club meeting, I'd have a wealth of outfits to choose from.
What my mother's obsession with florals is I will never understand, but it's one of our major disconnects.
She is into frilly, flowery, and feminine; I pref sporty, comfortable, and functional, an aestethic now biting me in theass.
I flip through my hangers, finally pulling out a silky turquoise cap-sleeved v-neck to pair with my black denim capris.
The rouching under the bosom emphasizes my larger-than-averagechest, so I don't wear this shirt often.
Tonight it would be a bonus to catchingCharlie'sattention.
I rub my favorite peach and wild berry moisturizer into my skin and dress, relieved nothing is too tight.
There isn't much I can do with my hair, so I leave it down, but I pay a little moreattentionto my makeup using a trick I'd learned on TikTok to make my eyesstandout.
After adding a pair of silver dangles and a chunky strand of multicolored beads, I give myself one more check in the mirror.
I hum an old Springsteen song as I slick on a peonypinklipgloss.
"Well,"I tell my reflection,"We ain't a beauty but we're all right. "