Page 100 of False Start

She’s my fucking mother—she can tell.

“I will be.” It’s the truth, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been this honest with her.

“Okay. Te amo.” The words aren’t heavy with pain, like she has already mourned me before.

“Te a—” I don’t get a chance to finish before the phone clicks off, and though the pinch in my heart is real. I can’t blame her for it.

Can’t blame her for not wanting to strap herself to the wooden wheel while I throw knives.

I fill my lungs with air, the inhale stuttering like every oxygen molecule is rubbing the wrong parts of me. But this time, it’s not a need to shred or fall apart or break further that fills me. There’s nothing there.

Not anymore.

I open the door to see Harvey on the couch, adjusted into a more horizontal position, but her eyes are open, like she’s been waiting for me to come back inside.

“You okay?” She starts to sit up, but I’m in her arms in just a few quick strides, knocking her back down. She squeezes me tight, and the pressure is everything.

Security.

Safety.

Home.

“I will be.” I repeat the same words I gave my mother.

I’m not okay now, but I will be.

Maybe that’s enough.

I wake up in bed,not covered in sweat for the first time in what feels like days.

Harvey’s already showered and tripping over her own foot as she scrambles to put her socks on.

“What are you doing?” I’m sleepy, groggy, and without the energy to even lift my head to talk to her.

“D is fixing everything.” She laughs in disbelief. “I gotta go to the rink for a bit…” She doubles back as she’s about to leave the room, and I’m sure she’s wondering if shecanleave me on my own. “Do you want to come?”

I think about it, and I nod. “Can you wait for me?”

“Wait for you?” She chuckles, coming toward me and scooping my face into her hands, “I’d make the whole world wait for you if I was in charge of the sun.”

I push her away with a grin, but she doesn’t back down, kissing me hard and setting the butterflies loose in my stomach. It seems like so long since I’ve felt anything at all, and now, all Iwantis to feel.

Feel whatever Cat wants to make me feel.

She wipes the tear from the corner of my eye, ignoring it as she focuses on the smile on my lips. “I love you. And I’m proud of you.”

It’s a heavy burden to bear, but I want it too.

She helps the shirt over my head and assists with the pants even though she knows I can do that on my own.

I shake my head. “Don’t say that yet. I can still fuck everything up.”

She’s brushing my hair now, gathering up the pieces for the braid she’s become so skilled at fashioning.

“Yeah? So can anyone else.Anyonecan become an addict, Nia. I just need you to focus on today for me. Can you do that?” she says with so much confidence that I can’t help but feel it in myself too.

“Yeah,” I whisper in agreement, entwining our fingers together as we make our way to Skateland.