Page 50

Chapter 50

Snap Out of It

Isaiah

I t’s been five days since I walked away from my whole world. Five days puttering around my home and wallowing in my own self disgust. Each passing moment feels like a lifetime thanks to the hurt burying me alive.

I’m doing this for them, I remind myself for the millionth time. But each time that thought surfaces, less of me believes it. Less of me understands it until there’s just… less of me.

Angie tried coming by a few days ago when she couldn’t get ahold of me on my phone. The only calls and emails I’m willing to take are from the team regarding next steps. So when I got the call yesterday that the Valor’s investigation team was ready to speak to me later today, I buried myself deeper into the dark comfort of my bed.

With the blackout curtain drawn, I fall in and out of sleep. Every time I wake up, my body begs for me to stretch and walk around. I ignore it and pray that slumber, the forgiving beauty that she is, takes me again so I don’t have to war with myself any longer.

A sudden shock of cool air breezes over my skin as my comforter is ripped away from my self-sabotaging pit.

“Get up.” My eyes adjust to find Dane flinging the curtains open and coming to stand at the end of my bed with Rafael and Jonah next to him.

“Nice jammies,” Raf says, clearly amused by my boxer briefs and the Bridgerton T-shirt I stole from Robyn that’s too large for her but fits me.

“I want my keys back,” I mutter. I turn into the pillow for more privacy, only to have Jonah take it away.I groan, “Leave me alone.” Can’t they see despondence and leave it be?

“No, bro. This is too big,” Dane says seriously, ripping my pillow away. “How long have you been here?”

“Since yesterday morning.”

Rafael, in his suit and tie, sits on the bed next to me, and I feel like human garbage laying here next to him. I glance at my alarm clock and see it’s noon. Why are they here in the middle of the day? “We were worried about you,” he says. “Angie told us the three of you broke up?”

I plant my face into the pillowless and blanketless mattress. “I broke off. They’re still together. I think.”

“Why would you do that?” Jonah asks. “You finally got your dream girl and that beefy bombshell and you break it off? What is wrong with you?”

“A LOT.”

Raf nudges me. “Turn around. I don’t wanna talk to your butt.”

He should because I’m an ass.

Reluctantly I roll over and sit up against the headboard, feeling exposed with their eyes on me.

“Tell us what happened,” Dane says, standing at the foot of my bed with his arms crossed.

“I put her in too much danger. I knew if I bowed out we could still play this off as a single kiss, and neither of us would lose our jobs… hopefully,” I shrug. “That is yet to be determined. We have a meeting with the team for the investigation today at three o’clock. I also put Dell in danger. Now I’m being dragged through the mud as a cheater, and Dell’s past is coming back to hurt Robyn, too.”

Dane scoffs. “You’re so fucking dense.”

“Fuck you. Get out of my house. ”

“I thought she was your dream girl,” Jonah says. It’s a simple statement; yet, a new wave of hurt pinches my heart at my brother’s words. If it were only that simple—to be able to keep my dream girl in my arms. The girl I wished for since college.

“She is.”

She’s the girl I had to protect at all costs, and that includes now. To protect her, my heart must pay the price. I can live with only the memory of her again if it means she’ll be safe. And Dell has her. I know he’ll take care of her and do his best to heal her broken heart; and she will heal his.

Maybe.

Maybe they’ll heal so much they forget about me entirely. I deserve that for putting them through this. For thinking they could wait for me until our stars align once more.

“Is this your dream job?” Rafael asks, but I stop myself before answering automatically.

Is being head coach of a professional rugby team what I envisioned for my life? To some extent. I always knew it could be a possibility with my background, but if I’m honest with myself, being a coach was only a means to stay in rugby. It was my fallback when I could no longer play. It was the strongest connection I had to Robyn and if I ever lost that, what would I even be to her then?

Just some guy.

When I applied for this job, I never thought This would be great for my career. I thought, I’ll be closer to her. I would have taken a job as a gas station clerk if I knew it meant I got to see her on a regular basis. It’s the reason I worked that job in security—so I could keep a close eye on her and keep her safe. It’s not like I’m using my degree in forensic science for any of this.

If it wasn’t for Robyn, this job… means nothing.

Nothing.

She means everything.

They mean everything.

I refocus my stare on Raf. “No. This is not my dream job.”

Dane bugs out his eyes and shakes his head. “Then resign, dumbass. You want the best chance at saving her career and getting her back? Quit.”

“You think she would take me back?” I want to retract the words immediately for sounding so pathetic.

“Have you not been on social media in the last twenty-four hours?” Jonah asks.

“No, I’ve sorta been hibernating.”

“You mean wallowing,” Raf adds.

“Whatever. Why? What’s going on?”

Raf and Dane exchange a look I can’t decipher, and then I’m grabbing my phone from the nightstand and looking for myself.

It’s a post made on her Instagram in collaboration with Dell.

Hey everyone,

Alright, let's talk about my relationship with Isaiah Johanssen. Yes, he is my coach, and understandably, our connection has raised some eyebrows. I know many of you are disappointed in me, but I’d like to share my side of the story.

Nine years ago, we were just two rugby players in college who became fast friends—friends who harbored feelings for the other and could never find the right time to express them. It didn’t get easier after graduating. Life and circumstances got in the way. But when he accepted the position as head coach for the USA Valor, there was no denying that magnetic pull was still there.

Hiding our relationship to the team wasn’t right, and I never intended to disrespect the institution of USA Valor. But sometimes, love has other plans and gives a big middle finger to the boundaries we set for ourselves.

I don’t know what will happen with our positions on the team, but I sincerely apologize for any disappointment we have caused. I think I can speak for both of us when I say if we are allowed to come back, we promise to have the best interest of the team. Our roles as player and coach will be prioritized, just as they always were.

And if you believe the rumors that he was cheating on me, please see Dell’s statement next.

Thank you for understanding and I hope you can forgive us, because I love sharing my life with you all. There’s so much more I hope to someday share with you.

With love,

Robyn

When I flip to the next slide, it’s a picture of us from a summer sevens tournament in college. Both of us are ragged and tired, but smiling at the camera with an arm around each other.

I remember that day. I remember feeling at peace when she first spotted me from across an empty field and ran into my arms like she always did. A wave of determination settles over me because I know…

It’s my turn to run.

But there’s more after that picture. The next slide is from Dell.

I’m going to be a lot more direct than Robyn.

Isaiah Johanssen used to be my client, then we became friends, then we became more. We're in love with each other and Robyn Cassidy. There was never cheating because we were all together. If polyamory is a new concept to you then do some research.

Yes, I used to make content for a certain spicy, subscription-based site, and I had never been ashamed of that until feelings emerged between me and Robyn. I was scared of what it would mean if people found out—scared of the negative image it might cast on her. But here we are with our dirty laundry airing because I refuse to keep us in the dark any longer.

I love Robyn Cassidy and Isaiah Johanssen with all my heart and we’re not hiding it any more. You can deal with it, or you can get out of the way.

With love,

Dell

“Holy shit,” I whisper.

“Yeah,” Dane says. “Seems like they haven’t given up on you.”

They also placed a huge bet that I would come back. Because if I don’t, then they just shot me in the foot. Now there’s no way in hell I could walk into the Valor office today and lie to HR that all we shared was a kiss.

They have me right where they want me.

That means Robyn knows this could get her fired, and she’s still going through with it. Holy hell. I can’t let this be for naught.

“There’s more,” Jonah says gesturing to my phone. “Just check your DMs. I sent you a bunch of stuff.”

@TheLondonHornets: Isaiah Johanssen is a gentleman and a hell of a rugby player. Not as good as Robyn Cassidy, but maybe she could teach him a thing or two. #WithYouWithLov e

@ServingSerwaa: Let’s remember former USA Valor fullback @JasonCrandle not only dated a porn star while playing for @USAValor but made videos with her and was lauded for it. #WithYouWithLove

@JasonCrandle: That’s true. #WithYouWithLove

@Khaos(She/They): Listen, I know everything that happens on this team and even I didn’t know they were in love. #WithYouWithLove

@ToniBaloney:U think she got preferential treatment? Ha! If u dont think we’d call him out on his BS as soon as that happened then ur delulu. #WithYouWithLove

@Casshole: No one works harder for this team than them. #WithYouWithLove

@WalesRugbyOfficial: If they don’t play, we don’t play. #WithYouWithLov e

@PhillyMensRugbyOffiicial: We will suspend all games until @USAValor reinstates both Coach Johanssen and Robyn Cassidy. #WithYouWithLove

Oh my god, there’s an entire storm of rugby teams saying they won’t play until we are given our positions back. Cities and countries all over. Pro and club level. Wales, Philly, San Diego, Argentina, Canada, Australia, New Zealand… even college teams. My entire team has made statements in support of us.

Even brands.

@ADIDASNorthAmerica Hey Robyn Cassidy. We’re #WithYouWithLove

@CastleWhiskeyLove is strength. #WithYouWithLove

@PolarRandomHouseBooks Dibs on this memoir. #WithYouWithLove

“That’s it,” I smile and toss my phone aside before launching off the bed toward the bathroom. “I’m running this time.”