Page 37

Chapter 37

Instincts

Dell

T he Front Porch has been around since the mid-seventies. Like everything else in Kentucky, it’s decorated with whiskey barrels, college basketball posters, and Derby memorabilia while bluegrass music plays over the sound system. On Saturday nights they usually have local live bands. It’s almost a guarantee I can run into at least one old friend from school when I’m back here.

But my eyes aren’t searching for anyone I used to know as we take a seat under the large covered porch with beers in hand. Because how can I focus on anything other than Isaiah’s shy little smile he’s had plastered to his face since we landed? That grumpy bastard persona may have intrigued me to pry him open and see how he operates, but it’s this softer side of Isaiah Johanssen, the side that smiles and stands close by me when we’re talking to people, that has me falling head over heels.

And as much as I want to dive right in for the first time in a long time, I have to remember we are not a thing yet. We might never be. Maybe I could be with just him? But where would that leave his obvious obsession with Robyn? Let’s be honest, where would that leave my own obsession with her? And Zay and I being together without her? That would break her heart. We’d all be broken.

“I can’t believe Robyn’s gonna be the face of Adidas,” Isaiah says wistfully. “Cheers to her.” Clink.

I lift my eyebrows. “It certainly doesn't make our decision any easier.”

He catches my meaning and sighs, “I know.”

“So Isaiah,” my cousin says, taking a seat next to him. “Did I ever tell you about the time Dell got kicked out of the Scouts for setting fire to the whole camp?”

“Considering I’ve only known you for a few hours, no, you have not told me that story. Proceed.”

I roll my eyes. “No one died.”

My cousin goes on to tell him how it was all my fault, even though he was my accomplice. When he starts on the second story about how we used to sell used horseshoes claiming they were from unicorns and therefore had magical powers, I take my opportunity to bow out. “I’m gonna go see a man about horse and then bring back a pitcher.” I catch Isaiah’s gaze. “Y’alright for a few minutes?”

When he looks up at me with that winsome smile, a momentary paralysis takes over. There’s something about him listening to my crazy cousin with rapt attention, chuckling along with the stories, that has me seeing a future. I can see him at family gatherings with my cousins holding his shoulder so they can lean in to tell him something stupid. I can see our Thanksgiving football game turning into touch rugby as Isaiah and Robyn teach everyone the rules.

I see him—them—fitting into my family like a puzzle piece I never knew was missing. I thought the picture was complete. My career, my brand, my family: it was enough. But now that I have them in my life, I can see the gaping hole right in the middle that I’ve been overlooking for years. But I can’t anymore.

How could I ignore the feeling I get when Isaiah’s dark blue eyes shine for me?

“Yeah,” Isaiah says, unaware of my pounding heartbeat. “I’ll be alright. ”

Walking 1 back through the neon-lit bar, I’m vaguely aware of a couple hands waving my way as my head floats with bewitching thoughts of Isaiah. When I get to the small empty bathroom and take my spot at one of the two urinals, I relax more into the thought of him.

Lost in my own mind, I don’t pay attention to the door opening, but when I hear the sound of it locking, the hairs on the back of my neck stand erect.

“Hi, Delly.”

Fuck.

I don’t have to look over my shoulder to know that’s the voice of my ex almost-fiance. “Hi, Travis.”

Travis Howard. The red-bearded man who once fiercely held my heart but could never hold his liquor, nor his temper.

My sweet thoughts of Isaiah are replaced by our memories. Good ones. Like driving down old country roads and hollering our favorite lyrics. Like playing poker with our friends. Like swimming naked in the creek in the middle of night.

I zip up my pants and turn to find his green eyes, and the bad memories show up louder. Like him kissing another man. Like glassy eyes and incoherent jealousy. Like truck windows being smashed and revenge porn.

“So you’re just gonna show up here and not tell me,” he says with a cheshire cat grin that once allured me, but now scratches my heart like nails on a chalkboard.

“Yeah, Travis. That’s kinda how this works when we’re from the same hometown. I’m gon’ show up every now an’ again. ”

“Why’d you block me?”

My brows pinch together because is he serious right now? “‘Cuz you’re a piece of shit, and I don’t want to hear from you.”

All at once there’s hands punching at the bathroom door. “Travis unlock the fuckin’ door!” Steven bellows from the other side.

“I just wanna talk.”

“No, you don’t. You wanna start shit.”

My brother-in-law hammers at the door, and when I try to step around Travis to unlock it, he blocks me. With only an inch separating us, I step back and blink. “Move,” I growl.

“No. Come on, let’s get a drink and catch up.”

“I’m here with someone. Now move,” I warn as Steven continuously pounds at the door. Suddenly I’m all too aware of being locked in a bathroom with my ex as my family makes a scene outside. My thoughts race with what Isaiah could be thinking if he knew what was going on. This is a bad look. I have to get out of here now.

My last drop of southern gentleman evaporates and is replaced with blind rage. “Travis, get the fuck outta my way or I’ll make you!”

Before I’m done speaking, he’s gluing himself to the wall. With a huff, I unlock it and Steven comes barrelling in with my cousins and Isaiah behind them.

“No,” my cousin Luke barks as he forms a family blockade at the doorway. “You’ve done enough damage!”

“I just wanna talk to him!”

I grab Isaiah’s hand, who I’m glad looks confused more than anything, and a gap opens for us to leave.

But Travis says something that stops me in my tracks. “I—I want my ring back,” he stammers, like he’s grasping at straws just to talk to me.

“Your ring?” I laugh humorlessly, turning to face him once again and holding Isaiah’s hand behind my back. “We were never engaged! Why? So you can sell it for the money since you can’t keep a job? What? Did cash flow dry up when that little video you made of us stopped going viral?”

“You bought it for me, Dell,” he says through clenched teeth.

“Well, have fun lookin’ for it at the bottom of the Kentucky River,” my cousin sneers. “I watched him throw it in.”

“What? That was mine!”

“Shoulda thought about that when you cheated on me.” I quickly turn on my heel and place my hand on Isaiah’s lower back. “C’mon, baby. We’re gettin’ outta here.”

“Baby?” Travis booms, but we ditch him through the crowd of my family who's holding him back.

I’m vibrating when we get to the truck and Isaiah puts me in the passenger’s seat. I know I tried to put on an unaffected front, but Travis can get under my skin faster than a fox in a henhouse.

There are no words spoken or sounds from the radio. Isaiah drives quietly while I’m caught up in visions of my crumbling life from seven years ago, when Travis not only broke my heart, but changed the trajectory of my life. The sun has just begun to set when we turn into my family’s property through the gates. When the truck comes to a stop, Isaiah turns to me and holds my hand. “What do you need right now?”

I need to clear my head and drop this mental weight.

“I need to swim,” I say despondently.

“Okay,” he whispers, and gives my hand one more squeeze before turning off the truck and taking me inside. When he tries to take the stairs to our room, I ignore it and pull him toward the back terrace.

“Oh,” he says as I strip everything off, leaving my clothes in a trail heading for the pool. As soon as I’m close enough, my chin trembles and my breath shakes before I dive in. Cool water closes in on me—the pressure holding me like a weighted blanket. The rough walls of the pool grate against my fingertips when I get to the end and resurface. I exhale Travis, flip to my back and float there, inhaling the soothing country air I’ve missed—the aromas of bee balm and yuccas from our gardens faintly wafting over the scent of salt water.

It’s then that I feel him next to me and finally open my eyes again. “Hey,” I say softly, reaching for him. He’s simply floating alongside me, waiting, watching. He pulls me by the elbow, and I slowly crash against his naked body. This time, it’s my turn to koala him.

“It’s okay,” he says softly in the shell of my ear. “It’s okay.” Isaiah holds me like a child because that’s exactly what I feel like right now. My emotions are too big and too loud. They’re consuming me like a swarm of locusts or a flesh-eating bacteria. Why does this happen every time I see him? I’m the one who broke up with him! He’s the one who broke my heart and tried his hand at revenge, yet I’m the one torn to shreds. I just want to get to a point when seeing him doesn’t hurt so bad.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Don’t apologize. Do you wanna talk about it?”

I sigh, but keep my face buried in him. “So that’s Travis.”

“I gathered.”

“My ex-boyfriend-almost-fiance who cheated on me at my cousin’s wedding amongst other places and uploaded revenge porn of me.”

“Dell,” he sighs, rubbing my back gently.

“It’s fine. I’m really over it. But it’s like, every time I see him the hurt comes back. I think I’d visit home more if I knew I wouldn’t run into him.”

“Do you want me to kill him?”

“Please.”

“Okay,” he coos, brushing wet strands of hair behind my ear. I can hear his smile. “I’ll kill him for you.”

“Thank you. ”

“Do you think I’d go to prison here or back in Pennsylvania?”

“Probably here.”

“Okay. I could make a decent life in prison, I think. I could put my makeshift tattoo skills to good use.”

I think of his inner forearm and rear back. “Is that what that is?” I ask, grabbing his arm. “What is this supposed to be?”

“That’s Floyd Pepper, bassist from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. You know, the band on The Muppets Show.”

“It looks like a bruise.”

“That it does,” he smiles.

“You’re not going to do very well in prison.”

He sighs dramatically, “Probably not.”

“Maybe it’s best you don’t kill my ex-boyfriend.”

He boops me on the nose. “Another day, then.” I realize my heart rate has returned to normal and my tunnel vision has opened up.

“So, you know about my solo content on OnlyFans, right?”

He nods. “I found it after doing a deep dive on you.”

“Yeah. I used to have a lot more. But even though I deleted my account, there are still videos that pop up every now and again. I had never planned on making content like that, but Travis,” I sigh. “He told me if I didn’t take him back after he cheated on me, that he would upload our video.” I shrug. “I called his bluff, but was prepared for him to really do it. And he did. So, like the rational and not at all bull-headed young twenty-somethin’ I was, I got in front of it and made my own content. All he did was fuel my fire.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Y’know, I never used to be. I didn’t think about what it would mean for future me or my romantic relationships, because after him, I didn’t think I’d ever trust someone with my heart again. ”

“Then why do you trust me?”

For a few long moments I float there, wrapped in arms so big they make an ox like me feel small, searching for an answer in his eyes—his eyes which are more brilliant than the sparkling pool holding us together.

More brilliant than the sunset behind him.

“I dunno. I’m just runnin’ on instinct with you.”

Isaiah’s answering smile is too sweet to leave alone, so I kiss him and savor every second. Innocent and promising, it stretches on for a lifetime, into a future I didn’t know could exist for me.

1. I Remember Everything by Zach Bryan ft. Kacey Muskgraves