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Chapter Thirty-Four

SESSION TRANSCRIPT #19 – Dylan Braun Treating therapist: Dr. Stuart Morley

Dr. Morley: Your burger and fries, sir. Dylan: Thanks… You’re not having one today? Dr. Morley: My wife’s got me on a diet. She's worried because I gained ten pounds over the fall. Dylan: No offense, but your wife sounds like a buzzkill. Dr. Morley: Ah, but guess who’s going to be the buzzkill if I die early of heart disease? Dylan: Fair point. Dr. Morley: So… It’s been almost two months since you moved back to Sandy Haven. Dylan: Seriously? Dr. Morley: Yessir. Does it feel like less than that? Or more? Dylan: Depends on the day… [chuckles] The hour. Dr. Morley: [laughs] I get that… If you had to rate, though—from one to ten—how the past two months have been overall, what number would you say? Dylan: Uhh… I guess maybe… four or five? Dr. Morley: So, let’s say four and a half? Dylan: Sure. Dr. Morley: And what about this past week? Dylan: Six, I guess? Dr. Morley: Okay. Six… Do you remember our very first session I asked you to rate the first few days? Dylan: No. What did I say? Dr. Morley: You said two. Dylan: [No response] Dr. Morley: So if we made a graph, do you have kind of a mental image of what the slope of the line would look like? Dylan: Not sure what you mean. Dr. Morley: I mean, if we plotted your ratings out of ten since you arrived in Sandy Haven, we’d see a steady upward climb. Some days and weeks lower, for sure. Sometimes higher. But overall, based purely on those number ratings, your days and weeks are ranking higher. They’re getting better… Would you say that seems like an accurate reflection? Dylan: Yeah. Probably. Dr. Morley: And that’s the thing we need to remember here—that we’re looking at the overall picture, right? The overall direction of your mood and your general happiness level. Or unhappiness level. Dylan: We gonna be doing math the whole session today, or… Dr. Morley: You gonna be a smartass the whole session today? Dylan: [scoffs] Dr. Morley: Okay, tell me one good thing you did, or that happened since I last saw you. Dylan: You’re like a broken record, you know that? Dr. Morley: And here I was, thinking your generation didn’t know what a record was. Dylan: Okay, fine… I had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Dr. Morley: [laughs] I call foul. That is a total copout answer and you know it. Good Lord, if you’re going to give me a bullshit answer, at least make it interesting. Dylan: I layered slices of cheese on the pancakes. That better? Dr. Morley: Mildly… Mostly, it just sounds like a bad case of indigestion waiting to happen. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: What else you got? Something else you did or that happened, besides your questionable breakfast choices. Dylan: Fine. Uh… I hung out with this guy Silas a couple days ago. Found out I don’t totally suck at Call of Duty. Dr. Morley: How was it? Hanging out with Silas? Dylan: Fine. He’s a cool guy. Dr. Morley: Call of Duty? You liked it? Dylan: Sure. Dr. Morley: Pretty violent game, isn’t it? Dylan: You monitoring my video game choices now, too? Dr. Morley: Just wondering if the blood and gore… Dead bodies and the like. How you are with that. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: Were you totally fine with it? Neutral? Kind of bothered by it?… Really bothered you? Dylan: Bothered me, yeah. Dr. Morley: A little? A lot? Dylan: … A decent amount. Dr. Morley: Okay. Describe how it bothered you. Dylan: Made me… sorta nauseous. My brain kinda flickers and shit. Dr. Morley: What do you mean by ‘flickers’? Dylan: Just… like these weird flickers. Like I blank out for a few seconds or whatever. Or see these flashes. Like flashes of memories. From… you know… Dr. Morley: Does this happen a lot? The flickers and flashbacks? And the nausea? Dylan: No. First time in a while. Dr. Morley: Define ‘a while’. Dylan: In like a month or so. Just when I see stuff like—that’s… graphic, I guess. Dr. Morley: Okay… Can you let me know next time it happens? Dylan: It’s not a big deal. Dr. Morley: Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that isn’t a big deal. Sounds really unpleasant, if you ask me. Dylan: I guess. Dr. Morley: Here’s a question for you. This guy Silas—when you’re hanging out, does he ask you about stuff from your past? Eli, or the murders… that kind of stuff? Dylan: No. Dr. Morley: Okay. So here’s an idea. What if next time you’re hanging out playing video games, you just say something like, “Look man, I feel a little weird seeing lots of blood and stuff. Are you cool if we play something else?” Just… boom—lay it out. Short and simple, to the point. So he knows. And since he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy to pry, he’ll probably get it. And you can move on. You don’t have to worry about dealing with the flickers and flashbacks and nausea and whatnot every time you hang out. Dylan: Sounds like making a production out of nothing. Dr. Morley: It’s two sentences. Dylan: Yeah, maybe. Dr. Morley: I think it’s important, Dylan. And if you say something now, it’ll be easier. If you wait, it will feel even more awkward saying something—if you’ve been playing these games for weeks. Or months. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: Tell me what you’re thinking right now. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: Dylan? Dylan: Fuuuck…. Dr. Morley: You okay? Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: [rustling noises] Here. Drink some water. Dylan: [gulping sounds] Dr. Morley: Better? Dylan: Yeah… Can we stop talking about this for now? Dr. Morley: Sure. I just want to say one more time, though, how important I think it is that you mention something next time you’re with Silas, or other friends, when you plan on gaming. Or watching movies or whatnot. You can always leave, but that’s not an ideal response, right? The goal here is to get to a point where you have a group of people who you don’t have to pretend with. Who know you’re uncomfortable with certain things and are okay with that. Dylan: You’re still talking about it. Dr. Morley: You’re right… I’m sorry. Tell me about Scarlett. How are things going with you and her? Dylan: Still good. Dr. Morley: Feeling comfortable with where things are at physically? Dylan: Yeah. Dr. Morley: And with Phil and Diane—things good there? Dylan: Yeah, sure. Hey, can I ask you something? Dr. Morley: Of course. Dylan: I want to tell you something. But I just want you to say what you think about it—not ask me a bunch of questions. Dr. Morley: So, you want to hear my opinion on what it is you’re going to share with me? Dylan: Yeah. Dr. Morley: Am I allowed a one question leeway? Dylan: No. Dr. Morley: So no questions at all. Dylan: Just want your opinion… Your honest opinion. Dr. Morley: I would never give an opinion that isn’t honest. Dylan: So no questions then. Swear you’ll just give your opinion. Dr. Morley: Alright. I swear. Just my opinion. Dylan: Okay. Dr. Morley: [no response] Dylan: Yeah. So… Sometimes… shit… It’s gonna sound fucked up. Dr. Morley: So what if it does? Dylan: I don’t know. I just… Dr. Morley: I’ve spent a lot of time with a lot of different people over the years. Nothing anyone’s said to me has ever seemed ‘fucked up’. I’ve learned that ‘fucked up’ is usually a question of either perspective, experience or context. Dylan: No idea what you mean by all that, but fine. I’m just gonna say it. Dr. Morley: Alright. Dylan: [silence] Dr. Morley: [silence] Dylan: Okay. So… Things have been better. Life and stuff. Like we just talked about—things are okay a lot of the time. And with Scarlett. And Phil and Diane and everything. Dr. Morley: Mmhm. Dylan: But… okay. Shit. Dr. Morley: Just us here, Dylan. No judgment, I promise. Go ahead and say whatever’s on your mind. Dylan: Okay… So, sometimes… I miss stuff. About my life before. Dr. Morley: [no response] Dylan: [silence] Dr. Morley: [silence] Dylan: So? Fuck… Are you gonna tell me your opinion or not? Dr. Morley: Sorry. I was just waiting to make sure you were finished. Dylan: Yeah. I’m finished. Dylan: Okay. Then here’s my opinion. I think it would be weird if you didn’t miss certain aspects of your life before. You lived in California for most of your life. Almost fourteen years. That was your normal. Your life now isn’t normal for you yet, even if it may be better. It’s exhausting living all the time in a world where nothing feels ‘normal’ or familiar. Also, we need to remember you weren’t miserable every second of every day in your life before, right? You had things there—or did things—that made you happy. Discovered hobbies and interests, and routines and places and people—that are all a huge part of what made you the person you are now. You had friends there; I think you said, right? Dylan: Some guys I hung out with at the skatepark sometimes, yeah. Dr. Morley: Right. So, to uproot all of those friendships—even if they were just casual—they were still part of what felt familiar to you. And I don’t think that embracing your new life and the people and experiences that come with it means you have to throw away everything from your past life. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: What about Eli… Do you miss him sometimes? Dylan: No follow-up questions, remember? Dr. Morley: You’re right. That was—I’m sorry. Dylan: [no response] Dr. Morley: You’re nodding… Does that mean you’re okay with how I phrased my opinion? Any questions on anything about what I just said? Dylan: No. I’m good… I thought—because things are going better here. And things in California… with Eli—were so fucked up. The fact that I still miss stuff sometimes from then—I thought there was something wrong with me. Dr. Morley: Nothing wrong with you at all. I mean, besides your taste in breakfast foods and the smart-ass comments you make about my age. Dylan: I made one comment about your age. Like, a month ago. Dr. Morley: And it was less than flattering, as I recall. Dylan: Sure about that? Get to be your age, could be your memory’s just starting to go. Dr. Morley: See? Right there—another smartass comment about my age. Dylan: Could be worse. I could’ve made a smartass comment about your shirt. What the hell even is that all over it? Dr. Morley: They’re cosmic bowling pins! This is my lucky bowling shirt. Dylan: A bowling shirt? Shit… You really are an old man.