Page 19 of Enzo (The Amato Family #2)
S weat streams down my face as I set the weight down, and Jayden makes a displeased hum from where he stands, scribbling something on the clipboard in his hand. I wipe my brow and glare at him, working hard to regulate my breathing.
“I want to see you do this shit,” I bitch at him, stretching my good leg out in front of me.
“I can, that’s the difference,” he replies dispassionately.
“You’re such a fucking asshole.”
He doesn’t respond, though he does flick his gaze to mine, the look in his eyes promising pain. Great, just…fucking great. Pissing off the sadist isn’t the smartest idea, but he makes it so fucking hard not to when he acts all high and mighty.
Luckily, I’m saved from whatever torture he can cook up as the door to Doc’s home gym opens and Benji steps through. Jayden looks at him and frowns. “We’re busy.”
My best friend doesn’t let that discourage him, smiling at the physical therapist. “Don’t look that busy to me.”
“Maybe you should get your eyes checked, then.” Jayden sniffs and turns back to me. His brown eyes narrow and he studies me long enough to make me squirm, which only makes Benji grin more…asshole. “Fine. I suppose I’m done with you for today. Behave and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He gathers his things and leaves the gym, barely avoiding brushing against Benji as my friend stands there like the fucking dumbass he is. When we’re finally alone, Benji speaks. “He’s as pleasant as always.”
“He’s going to kill you one day, or get his brothers to do it at least.”
“Meh, worth it. He makes it too easy.”
I shake my head in exasperation, deciding to change the subject for my sanity. “What are you doing here?”
“Can’t I visit my friend? You’d think you didn’t want me around, Enz, geeze. Last I heard it’s not a crime to want to visit someone who you worked with day in and day out after they’ve been injured. So, ya know, thought if you weren’t going to extend the invite, I’d do it myself.”
I sigh, but there’s nothing I can say to refute his logic.
Sadly. I haven’t been purposefully avoiding Benji this time, but it seemed so natural to do so while I’m trying to figure my shit out.
But if I’m going to work for Roman, I need to learn to face everything and everyone else. Doesn’t make it any easier, though.
Benji takes a seat on the floor across from where I’m sitting. He brushes his too-long dark hair from his face, and stares at me with big puppy eyes. “You know, you never told me how you ended up here at Doc’s. I was too shellshocked and relieved to ask last time.”
I groan. “They kidnapped me. It was either this or a rehab facility, and well, we all know how that would have gone down.”
He nods in understanding. “Lesser of two evils. When are you going to be allowed to go back home?”
I bite back a frustrated sigh, because that’s an argument I had with Doc this morning. “When he thinks I’ve made significant progress—and not just with my PT but…” I gesture to my head.
“Makes sense. I’m not sure how I’d wrap my head around it all if I were you. Hell, it fucked me up for a while in the beginning because if this can happen to you, what about the rest of us?”
I look away from him, guilt bubbling through me at my lack of contact, not just with Benji but everyone I know, because fuck, I didn’t think of that.
All of us are aware of the dangers and risks, we sign up to put our lives on the line for the Amatos because we believe in them, but that doesn’t ever really prepare you for when something like losing a limb occurs.
“I’m sorry,” I finally tell him, meeting his gaze again. “I’ve been a shitty friend.”
Benji shrugs. “A little, but I can’t say I blame you. You’ve kind of been through a lot.”
“Doesn’t make me less of an asshole. Physically I’m getting there. Mentally and emotionally? It’s taking longer. I’m working on it, though. Doc has me seeing a therapist and…fuck, some truths have been coming out that are rather uncomfortable.”
Not just about what happened recently, but everything that occurred with my birth family when I was a teenager.
I put that behind me a long time ago, but…
the deeper Dr. Madison and I get into what’s driving my reluctance to let people in now, the more I’m realizing I only slapped a patch over that hole rather than closing it off completely.
“I get it. I mean I don’t, not really, but I understand you’ve been doing what you can to stay afloat.
I wish you’d let me support you, but I know you’ve had Kail and his family to help.
” I flinch and Benji’s eyes narrow. “You’ve been letting them support you, right?
Or have you done the dumbass thing where you close yourself off to everyone who loves you because that’s what you think you have to do? ”
I cringe and hate my best friend for sounding way too much like my therapist for a moment.
Benji sighs and flops down onto his back. The sound of him hitting the floor makes me wince, because that had to have hurt, but the dramatic ass stays looking up at the ceiling for a long moment.
“I don’t know whether I want to hit you or shoot you,” he confesses, not looking at me.
“I think Kail would vote for shooting,” I admit quietly.
That gets his attention and he sits back up quickly. I wonder for a moment what type of yoga the guy does, because even after all the work I’ve put in with Jayden recently I’m not that flexible.
“What’d you do to him?” he asks sharply.
I cringe. “Nothing…and that’s the problem. I’ve shut him out and…fuck, I didn’t think about how this”—I gesture to my residual limb—“affects anyone else.”
Benji sighs and shakes his head, as if he’s disappointed with me.
Not that he could ever be as disappointed as I am with myself.
“I can’t pretend I understand, Enzo, but I know how I feel.
As your friend, I was devastated, angry, hurt…
all the things. But your partner?” He shakes his head again. “You fucked up my friend.”
“You think I don’t know that? Hindsight’s a fucking bitch.”
“So what are you going to do to fix it?”
I sigh, scrubbing a hand down my face. “I need to give him space, let him cool off, come to terms with things on his own. If I push him now, after spending so long pushing him out, it’s not going to help.
It’s Kail, he doesn’t get mad, not really.
Disappointed, hurt…those are harder to navigate than if he was pissed at me. ”
“You know him,” Benji says softly. “He loves you too much to let you treat him as anything but what he deserves. If he doesn’t think you’ve learned your lesson, he’ll kick your ass.”
I huff a laugh. “Yeah, he will. We’ll be okay.
I just…I need to apologize. So many apologies.
And then we’ll go from there. I don’t know…
it’s something we have to work out ourselves, but he told me how he felt, made me aware that I was hurting him, and reminded me I’m not the only one going through this.
It’s something I needed to hear, as much as it fucking hurt. ”
Benji nods. “You got in your stupid, protective head and let things spiral, and Kail allowed it until he couldn’t anymore.”
There’s a reason Benji’s my best friend. He knows me almost as well as Kail does. He’s always been a big supporter of our relationship, and he’s always had Kail’s back. So nothing he says is a surprise.
That doesn’t mean I won’t give him shit about it, though. “Are you my friend or Kail’s?”
“Definitely not yours,” he quips. “Come on, my ass is numb.” He hops up from the floor.
Snorting, I reach for my crutches and stand. My leg wobbles a moment after the exercise and then sitting on the bench for so long, but I get my foot under me and we leave the gym.
“James made cookies yesterday,” I say. “We can grab one and hang out in the sitting room if you want.”
“Ooh, cookies! You lucky fucker. You don’t only have Kail to spoil you, but James too.”
“Yes, only he comes with a side of Doc,” I reply.
Benji’s smile dims a little and he shudders dramatically. “Yeah…uhh…you poor bastard.”
Snorting, I lead him into the kitchen, glad for a bit of before in amongst the new normal that is my life.
My guilt over how I’ve treated Kail and his feelings intensifies, but until we’re ready to talk, really talk, there’s nothing I can do about it. Pushing him now will only hurt more, and I’m trying to avoid that.
Fuck, what a mess. And there’s no one to blame but myself.