Page 24 of Entertaining the Earl (Vows in Vauxhall Gardens #2)

S usannah regarded her reflection in the looking glass. There was nothing she could do about her red eyes. If her mother and father asked, she would have to say that she had another cold, or perhaps hay fever. But Colin—Lord Bourne—would surely know it was because she had been crying.

There was nothing to be done. She had to see him, had to speak to him, had to bring whatever this mess was to a close. He had made her believe, just for a moment, that she was not undesirable. That she was not as plain, boring, and unappealing as she had spent her life believing and being told.

And then, in a cruel second, he had doubled all her doubts about herself.

She knew she should be furious with him for compromising her, for almost taking her innocence. She knew she should be angry at herself for breaking all the rules she had been raised to follow.

But all she felt was heartbreak. Heartbreak at the reality that she had been willing to do anything for him, to compromise her morals, to throw away her virtue—and even then, he could not bring himself to go through with it.

How on earth was she ever to have a husband if, even in such a situation, she could not entice a man to bed?

Tears began to fill her eyes again, and she squeezed them tightly shut, forbidding them to fall .

It was done. Her heart was broken. She had realized just how deeply she had fallen for him just as he stuck the knife in. And perhaps it was even love. Whatever it was, it was certainly powerful, overwhelming, and totally and utterly pointless.

She descended the stairs, giving herself a stern talking-to, and then sought him out in the library, where he so often was. When she opened the door, she could not help but glance at the rug on the floor by the fireplace, where she had so nearly…

No. It hurt too much to think of it. She turned away and found him sitting on the other side of the room, his legs crossed, his cravat slightly loosened. His eyes widened, and he stood, tossing the book he had been reading onto the chaise longue behind him.

“Susannah,” he said, taking two steps toward her. “I must apologize. I need to explain. Last night was unforgivable—”

Susannah held up her hand to silence him. She was not surprised that he felt bad for almost seducing her. Especially if he had thought through the consequences and was currently contemplating the fact that, had they been caught, he would have almost certainly been forced to marry her.

But she did not want to hear apologies or excuses.

She did not regret the near events, except for the fact that they had broken her heart.

She did not expect him to marry her, and she was not here to demand any discussion on the topic.

She simply needed this to be over, for both of their sakes, before she ended up ruined.

For if she were brokenhearted and unmarriageable, that would surely be an even worse situation.

“Our arrangement must come to an end, Lord Bourne,” she said, even though in her head she thought he would always be Colin.

“Our pretense served its purpose, and you have not been bothered by other young ladies of the ton. But, with recent events, I think you must agree that the ruse must be terminated.”

He opened and shut his mouth several times without saying anything, and she congratulated herself on getting through her prepared speech without faltering and without crying.

“I must apologize—”

“There is nothing to apologize for. We were both at fault, and I understand that you were simply… caught up in the moment. But the point of this arrangement was to keep the marriage-minded ladies away from you and give me time to read in peace without my parents worrying about my prospects. And I believe we have been successful in both those aims. But now… I must find a husband. And your presence here is only risking my reputation.”

She held her head high and squeezed her nails into the palm of her hand to stop herself from crying.

She did not really believe that finding a husband was a likely outcome, but it seemed a better reason to give him for the need for him to depart than that he had broken her heart.

That his disgust in her physical appearance was more painful than she could possibly have imagined.

She never wished to admit that to him, or to anyone.

“But—”

“You spoke of leaving to return to your estates earlier than planned. I think, given the circumstances, that is for the best. I wish you well, Lord Bourne.”

And with a nod of her head, she strode from the room, not able to look at him for a moment longer.

She knew her resolve was in danger of weakening, that at any moment she might listen to what he had to say, that she might think it made sense, that she might fall into his arms and then be humiliated all over again.

And she couldn’t handle that. She might be plain, but she had her pride—or at least she wanted to have it. And so she needed to be away from him.

Even if that hurt, too.

*

Colin half fell, half-stumbled back into his armchair. He didn’t know what he had expected from her. Perhaps that she would shout or be angry with him for his ungentlemanly behavior. Perhaps that she would cry and insist they wed since he had come so close to taking her virtue.

In fact, the outcome he had thought most likely was that she would ignore the situation entirely and pretend it didn’t happen—just like with the kiss.

But he had not expected this cold, determined woman to tell him it was time for him to leave.

He sat alone in the library for quite some time, contemplating his options. He had obviously deeply offended her, and his ungentlemanly behavior had ruined any sort of friendship there could have been between them.

Had she demanded they wed, he thought there was a chance he would have agreed.

Not because he was ready for marriage or because he thought he was in a position to be a good husband, but because he had been raised to do the right thing.

And in the library the previous night, he had come very close to doing the wrong thing.

He would not be like his father. He would not lay with an innocent woman before marriage. He would not sire a string of illegitimate children, who would then spend their lives not knowing their place in the world, feeling abandoned, feeling resentful toward him.

And he did not want to break a woman’s heart. Especially once he was married.

But she had not demanded marriage. In fact, although her eyes had been red and looked as though she had been crying, she did not look particularly upset—more angry if anything. She did not look like she had any wish to wed him, no matter the circumstances.

She wanted to find a proper husband. And she deserved that. He owed her that, after everything.

The clock struck eleven, and he forced himself from his chair.

He was almost certain he had missed the rest of the family breaking their fast, which had been intentional.

He could not sit opposite Susannah and act entirely normally.

But hunger was beginning to affect him, so he left his sanctuary to seek out some food.

She had told him it was time to leave, and he felt his only option was to take her at her word.

After all, the charade clearly could not continue now, and he wasn’t sure they could even be cordial to one another. And if his presence really was damaging her chances of finding a husband, he knew it was only right to remove himself.

By the time he entered the dining room, his mind was made up. He would leave by the end of the week and try to forget about Susannah Lyttleton and the way she had surprisingly caught his attention to the point where all he thought of was her.

He rang the bell, and the footman appeared speedily.

“Good morning, my lord.”

“Good morning. Could you please have some bread and cheese sent up? I missed breakfast.”

The footman bowed his head. “Of course, my lord.”

“And please ask my valet to come and find me as soon as he can.”

The valet ended up arriving before the bread and cheese, and Colin set out his plan. “I’ll need you to pack my things so that we can depart on Friday. I shall hire a coach or borrow one—there’s no reason to purchase one, since there are at least two at the estate, according to the ledgers.”

If his valet was surprised by the sudden change in travel plans, he did not make it apparent. “Yes, my lord.”

“We will have to stay at inns along the way, so perhaps you can send word. And arrange for some provisions from Cook so we do not have to stop more than is necessary.”

Colin thought he would be relieved to have a plan in place, but once his valet had departed to do his bidding and his bread and cheese had arrived, he only felt sad.

He had let himself down the previous night, behaved in a manner that was not suitable for an earl, and had let Susannah down too.

And now he was to return to an old house that held some rather painful memories—a house he had not lived in for at least fifteen years.

He had no idea what state it was even in.

He needed to check whether any of the staff had been retained or whether he would have to hire an entirely new staff once he arrived.

He had come to London first and stayed with the Lyttletons to ease himself back into society. And yet now he felt as though he was heading into the countryside completely alone, to face his past and determine his future.

He had spent a lot of time alone throughout the years. But over the Season, he had grown rather used to living within a family. Granted, they weren’t his family, but they had been welcoming and kind and present.

And it was harder than he imagined to just walk away.