Page 180 of Enemy Within

“Your application package is amazing, I have to say. Recommendation letters from three world leaders, a stunning military and civil service record, a Hero of Russia medal.” Colonel Sharp winked.

“Three world leaders?”

“Yep. President Puchkov, President Spiers-Reichenbach, and President Wall.”

“May I see that?” He reached for the file Colonel Sharp had flipped open. A complete application to NASA in his name lay there, stuffed full with recommendation letters and accolades.

He stared at Sergey, willing him to turn his way. Sergey kept typing away at his laptop, ignoring them completely.

“So, let’s talk about your future at NASA, Sasha. Because based on your application, I think you’d be an amazing fit.”

They talked for hours, Colonel Sharp first explaining about NASA and the astronaut training program, and where Sasha could go in the international program. A pilot first, and then, after several missions, he could rise to mission commander. Or he could serve tours on the International Space Station as a pilot and a crewmember. Sasha finally spoke about his dreams, about how he wanted to fly into space. How he’d dreamed of space shuttles since he was a little boy.

As they spoke, his heart unclenched, like a fist that had closed around it was loosening. He’d thought this was gone. Flushed away, never to be had. He’d buried it, buried his hopes in the same place he buried his love for Sergey. He couldn’t have either.

Colonel Sharp sat across the table from him and told him hecouldbe an astronaut.

“Training lasts for two years. As a pilot, we’ll train you in the T-38 in Florida, in addition to your standard astronaut training in Houston. That will prepare you to pilot the spacecraft. You’ll progress with a class through a specific set of modules, one new course every eight weeks. You have six weeks of instruction and then two weeks of leave. We changed our courses around to try and better support our international candidates. Give them time to head back home.” Colonel Sharp smiled again, flashing his wide, bright grin. “Astronauts spend enough time away from their loved ones. No sense prolonging that in training.”

His heart twinged. “When would training begin?”

“Our next class starts up in two months. I need to take your file back to Houston and get it rubber-stamped by the higher-ups. But I can tell you this: if you want in, I’d be glad to have you.”

He shook his head. “How are you here? Why are you talking to me?”

Colonel Sharp gestured to Sergey, who was packing up his laptop and trying not to look at Sasha. “Your president requested that we send a representative. He said he had someone he wanted to strongly recommend to the NASA space program. Said you’d be a good fit. And he was right.” Colonel Sharp stood. “I’ll be in touch, Sasha. We look forward to seeing you in Houston soon.”

And then, he strode out of the ballroom, all-American swagger and wide hips, smiling like he had all the secrets in the world. He constantly smiled, never seemed to stop. Sasha watched him go, his mind whirling a thousand different directions.

“So.” Sergey spoke from the nearby table, leaning against it and crossing his arms. “You will be an astronaut?”

“You turned in an application for me?”

Sergey nodded, pursing his lips. “It is your dream. It is what you want.”

His hands shook again, anger building as the fist around his heart closed again. Why would Sergey be kind to him after everything he’d done? “Why are you doing this?” he snapped. “Why would you put this application in for me? Why would you send me to NASA?” His thoughts spun, trying to connect the dots. Sergey wasn’t cruel enough to set him up for failure. “You want to send me away. That is it, yes?”

“Sasha—”

“I was already far away, Sergey. I can go farther if you want me to—”

“I do not want you to go anywhere! I want you to come home! Back to Moscow!” Sergey turned away, his hands on his hips as his shoulders slumped. “I applied for you,” he finally said, “because I want you to be happy, Sasha.” He faced Sasha again, looking him in the eyes. “I thought, once, that I would be a part of that. ThatIcould make you happy. But…” He shrugged and shoved his hands in his pants pockets.

Sasha scrubbed his face with his hands. Too much, it was too much. Sergey, Anton, and now NASA. Too many people, too many things pulling him in different directions.

What he wanted, he couldn’t have. What he needed to do made his heart scream with anguish. And what he deserved was nothing. He certainly didn’t deserve Sergey’s kindness, or his attempt to make Sasha happy by fulfilling his lifelong dream. He didn’t deserve any of that.

“Living in that shack is not for you. Please.” Sergey stepped forward, slowly approaching, until he stood before Sasha. He reached out, his hands gently wrapping around Sasha’s arms. “Go. Get away from this place. Chase your dreams, Sasha. Become an astronaut. And then, someday, come back to Russia and help us rebuild our space program.”

Sasha’s jaw dropped. His head spun again, the world tilting wildly as dizziness threatened to knock him on his ass.

“Just, please, Sasha. When you are in America.” Sergey’s lips thinned, and he looked down before he spoke. “Find someone. Find someone who can make you happy.”

Panic clawed at Sasha’s soul and tore at his spine. Tried to shred apart his mind. His heart squeezed, no longer in a fist, but in a vise. He could feel it straining, almost about to burst. His whole chest ached. “You are telling me to leave… and to find someone else?”

Sergey closed his eyes and nodded.

Breathing felt like being stabbed in the back, a knife sliding between his ribs. It was one thing to leave, to walk away, but entirely another to have Sergey tell him to go. And tell him to move on, to put an end to their love. He clung to their memories, relived the moments he’d spent at Sergey’s side every night, lying alone on his thin mattress. He’d close his eyes and pretend to be anywhere else, just back with Sergey. Watching over him in the forest and at the bunker, so close he could reach out and brush his fingers over Sergey’s eyelashes. Holding him on the sand on Simushir Island. Kissing him, tasting him, beneath the Arctic ice, huddling together onHonolulu.