Page 25

CHAPTER

TWENTY-FIVE

BEFORE

I was tying my shoes when the door burst open. I glanced up.

Noah had his sunglasses on and smiled brightly, dropping his bag on the floor and holding his arms out towards me. “Honey, I’m home.”

I chuckled, shaking my head. At least he was in a good mood. I moved towards him, and he reached for my neck, kissing me passionately.

His keys dropped to the floor and his other hand tangled in my hair. “I missed you,” he whispered, making me smile and hold on to his waist as he kissed me.

“I was headed out.”

“I know, I was hoping to catch you before you left, to offer an alternative to the morning jog as a form of exercise.”

“Really?”

His hand reached my backside, grabbing me firmly and pulling my hips against his. “Yeah, I’ll let you do all the work while you fuck me, so you can get the most out of it.” He laughed.

We went back to the bedroom, his lips and hands insistent, demanding. He pulled my clothes off, and I helped him out of his shirt before he fell back on the bed. I crawled over him, and he leaned to kiss me.

“Did you jerk off thinking about me while I was gone?”

“Not as much as you, I’m sure,” I said.

He barked a laugh. “Ooh, burn, Atty. That was a good one.”

I kissed his neck and all the way down to his navel as he moaned. “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.” I eased his pants down and reached for the lube. “I thought you were getting in later.” I clicked the bottle open and coated my fingers.

“I got an earlier flight. I was awake anyway.”

I touched him, slathering some of the lube on him before I started pushing in slowly. I kissed the inside of his thigh. “You didn’t sleep last night?”

Noah shook his head. My hand stopped moving.

“At all?” I insisted.

“No, I went out. I met some friends. Don’t stop, Atty,” he said dismissively.

I stopped. “It was Sunday. You went out on a Sunday?”

Noah sighed. “Yeah. Atty, I went out on a Sunday. You can go out on Sundays too. It’s not a crime.” He sounded exasperated.

I tried to brush off his tone, not let it get to me. I kissed his thigh again, and he relaxed on the bed. I started again, ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of my head, trying to lose myself in the sounds he made and the feel of his body. I worked my fingers into him and took him in my mouth.

Noah moaned loudly. “You’re so fucking good at that, Atty.” He lifted his shoulder off the bed, squirming.

I doubled my efforts, and he let out another noise.

“You can make me come so easily like this. Fuck, sometimes I feel selfish keeping you to myself. You should be out there fucking everybody in sight, then come back to me as a sex god. I’d keep you locked up in my room.”

I stopped again. I frowned, crawling over him. Noah opened his eyes, confused at the lack of contact, and I tilted his chin, keeping his eyes on me. His pupils were dilated.

“For fuck’s sake,” I whispered, leaning my forehead on his shoulder.

“What?” he asked, still dazed.

“You’re high, Noah. It’s seven a.m. on a Monday, and you’re high right now.” I moved away from him.

“It’s just a little Molly. It was ages ago, it’s just not out yet.” He tried to pull me back to him.

“Yeah? What else did you do while you were there?”

He sat up on the bed and licked his lips, looking annoyed. “Are you going to start with this again? Right now?”

I knew that face now. I wished I didn’t, but it had become familiar. My Noah had left, and shitty Noah took his place.

“Why do you always avoid my questions?”

“Because I didn’t do anything else, and you just keep nagging like you’re my mom or my fucking wife.”

My eyes were fixed on the bed. I remembered when he’d told me he thought it was sweet when I worried about him. It was right here, on this bed.

“You don’t have to get shitty with me, Noah. How did you expect me to react to you coming home like that?”

He rolled his eyes and dropped back on the bed. “I expected you to fuck me, not give me a lecture.” He rolled off the bed. “That’s not what you’re here for,” he added, and it was like a stab to the heart.

“No. Then why am I here?”

Noah strode towards the bathroom, not even glancing back. “Fuck if I know,” he mumbled.

I closed my eyes. “I’ve had it, Noah. I’m going to move in with Colin this week. ”

He stopped, placing his hand on the doorframe. “Do whatever the fuck you want, Atticus.” He stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

I pressed my hands to my face. Where did he go? Where the hell did Noah go? I pulled my shirt and shoes back on and left the apartment.

Noah texted me five hours later, apologizing and asking me to come home. I didn’t answer, but he showed up for training—not to join, but to pull me aside and talk. He told me he was tired from not sleeping and that the whole weekend with his mom had been a mess. He waited for me to finish, and we went home together. I told him I was serious about moving in with Colin, but when we reached his apartment, he just guided me towards the sofa and sat on my lap, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck. He sniffled, and he kept telling me over and over that he was sorry. Somehow, this hurt even more.

On Wednesday, he helped me pack up my dorm after training and move my things to Colin and Ezra’s spare bedroom. We had another fight that night and I stayed at his place. Every day, I felt like I had less and less of the Noah I loved. He still slept close to me and kissed me every chance he got, but his bad mood was prominent, and everything made him snap.

Then Friday came.

Doomsday.

I got to the apartment after training and found Noah playing video games with his stoner friends—the ones that used to hang around him all the time. They were obviously smoking, and there were bottles and cups scattered around the apartment. It was like the house was reverting back in time.

Noah glanced at me. “Hey, Atty,” he said, and the rest followed like zombies.

“Hey. ”

The kitchen was a mess. Bags of chips littered the counter, and empty beer bottles dripped onto the floor.

“Come and play. I have these guys beat.” He ran the back of his hand over his nose and sniffled. He did it again, and it hit me.

He had a runny nose.

He kept insisting he was getting a cold, and Holly had told me about that. I stared at him—his eyes were a little wide, he was standing with one foot on the coffee table, and his tongue was peeking out the side of his mouth, focused. He sniffled again. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to piece it together, but I really didn’t want to see it. He had been like this for a while now, since the bad moods and the fights got worse. He was using again.

“Noah.”

He glanced at me. “What?” he asked, distracted.

“Can we talk?”

“In a while, Atty. I’m in the middle of something.” A flicker of annoyance crossed his features.

I reached the bedroom and took my phone out. I texted Holly.

Me

he’s using again

That was all I wrote and rushed to the bathroom. Noah’s bottle was by the sink. I breathed out through my nose. I picked them up and counted the pills. Ten fucking pills.

“Fuck,” I roared as threw them against the wall. They exploded against it, pills flying around the room. I’d had it. I couldn’t take this anymore. I knew he was lying to me.

I started opening the bathroom drawers, looking through his things, pulling them out and searching for that fucking little plastic bag. The door creaked, and Noah peeked inside, his eyes wide and confused.

“What the fuck?”

“Get them out of here,” I told him, my voice like ice.

“Atty—”

“I mean it, Noah. We’re about to have a big fucking fight. Get them out of here right now.”

Noah frowned and walked away from me. I finished the bathroom and headed for his nightstand, opening and searching. I found nothing and started in his closet, pulling his clothes out and throwing them haphazardly on the floor.

“They’re gone. Can you tell me what the fuck has gotten into you?” He stared at his clothes on the floor.

“Give me your wallet.” I held out my hand.

Noah’s frown deepened. “What?”

“I know you’re using again, Noah. Give me your fucking wallet.” I moved my hand closer to him.

He brought it out of his back pocket and placed it in my hand. I started to look through it, pulling his cards out, his ID. It wasn’t there.

“Are you happy? I told you I haven’t been doing it.”

“Your phone.”

Noah’s green eyes blinked in disbelief. “Atty, what the fuck?”

“I’ve fucking had it with you lying to me, Noah. I’m not crazy. I know you’re using. I can tell. You’ve turned into an asshole, you treat me like shit, and I’m not fucking putting up with this anymore.” I pulled his phone from his hand and took the cover off to check. Nothing.

“I’m not using again.” He raised his voice.

“I told you, Noah. I told you if you did it again, I’d break up with you. So what’s it gonna be? Are you getting help—real help—or are we done? ”

Noah started looking panicked. “Atty, I’m not using,” he insisted, trying to reach for me.

“No? Are you sure about that? Have you been taking your pills?”

“Yes, I have.” The same expression on his face, unmoving. I couldn’t tell them apart.

“You’re lying, Noah. I’ve been counting your pills. You haven’t taken them.”

He paled. “You’ve been counting my pills?” he asked, looking at me like I was insane.

“What was I supposed to do? You’re not being honest. You’re lying about all of it.” I didn’t know where to look. The only option left was searching him.

“That doesn’t give you the right to go through my things,” he argued.

“Yes, it fucking does. You lost the right to your privacy when you started lying to me.” I knew I was raising my voice. I couldn’t calm down. I had reached my limit.

“Are you listening to yourself? I’ve told you over and over again I’m not using, and you refuse to believe me, even though you have no fucking proof. What do you want to do now, Atty? Are you going to start following me around? Monitoring my calls and my texts?” He raised his voice right back.

“It doesn’t look like I’ll have to. You didn’t answer me, Noah. Are you getting help, or are we done?”

“I’m not fucking using?—”

I pushed him against the wall. Noah’s face changed from anger to panic.

“No proof, Noah? No proof ? Look at this fucking place. It’s right back to how it used to be. You’ve had a cold for the past week, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping. How much of an idiot do you think I am?” I asked, seething.

Noah’s eyes were impossibly wide .

“You promised you were going to take this seriously. You promised you were going to stop, and I told you, Noah. I fucking told you if you did this again, I’d break up with you. I’m not going to stay here and watch you kill yourself. Do you hear me? I’m not fucking doing it.” I pressed him back against the wall.

Noah pushed me back, his hand firm on my shoulders. “You’ve lost it.”

“And why do you think that is? Huh? Do you think maybe it has something to do with you treating me like shit, lying to me, flirting with other people, and then telling me you love me? You’re probably lying about that too,” I yelled at him, and that hit a nerve.

It was like watching a switch flip. All his defiance melted away and turned into regret.

“Of course, I’m not lying about that, Atty. How can you even think that?” His hands stilled on my shoulders, but now, instead of a shove, his fingers dug into my skin.

“What am I supposed to think? If you’re using again, then you can’t love me, right? If you want to break up with me, that’s what you want.”

“No, that’s not what I want. I’m not using.” He reached for my face.

I let go of him and pushed his hands off me. “Stop lying,” I begged him. I dropped my hands on his shoulders and leaned my forehead on the wall behind him, closing my eyes.

“I’m not lying,” he insisted. “Atty, I love you. Don’t ever think that. I’m not lying.” His hands were on my neck, trying to get me closer to him.

“Everyone was right about this. I can’t handle you, Noah.”

He fell quiet. I felt utterly defeated.

“I don’t know where you went. I keep waiting for you to come back, but you won’t. I never thought loving you could hurt this much. I can’t do it. I can’t keep doing this.” I couldn’t hold it this time. My eyes were burning. I blinked, feeling the wet trail of tears down my face. “I can’t keep doing this. Loving you hurts too fucking much.”

“Please let me make this right,” he whispered.

My chest hurt worse than ever. It was the same pain these fights always caused me, but this time it was a million times worse. This pain I had only ever felt in regard to Noah. I knew what it was now—it was heartbreak.

“I wish I never met you,” I said.

His hands tightened in my shirt. “I can make it right.”

“I have to get out of here. I need to leave.” I swallowed thickly and moved away from him. I rubbed my hands on my face and left the room, dropping his phone on the floor as I did.

“No, Atty. Don’t go, please don’t go.” He held me by my shirt.

“I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe in here. I have to go.” I tried to get his hands off me, but he kept grasping, holding me back forcefully.

“Please, Atty, please,” he begged.

I’d barely made it out of his room when Noah stopped me. I pressed my hands on the wall, and he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Please don’t go.”

“Noah, let me leave.” I stepped towards the door again, but he held on firmly.

“Please look at me.” He pushed on my arms and tried to move me.

“No.”

He still managed to turn me around, holding my face and forcing me to look down at him. His eyes were red too. They looked greener like that, brighter.

“Please don’t leave.” He tugged on my arms, trying to get me back in the bedroom.

“I can’t keep doing this. I can’t,” I said, but he kept pulling, and my body acted on its own, following him .

He sat me on the bed and climbed on my lap, his arms tight around my neck. He started kissing the side of my face, my cheek, below my ear, my jaw. I even felt his soft lips over my closed eyelids.

“I love you so much, Atty. Please don’t leave. Please, I can’t do this without you. I can’t lose you.”

I placed my hands on his waist and tried to push him back, but he just tightened his hold. “I can’t breathe,” I said.

He kissed me, his lips pressing on mine urgently.

“I won’t make it if I lose you too,” he said against my lips.

I felt a whole new wave of pain. I didn’t know how to hold him anymore. I couldn’t keep helping him. He was breaking me too.

This was it. I was going to lose my Noah.

I kissed him back, and he parted his lips. The all-too-familiar urgency took over us. Noah tugged at my clothes, getting them off, and I helped him with his. He pressed on my shoulders, pushing me down on the bed and reaching into his bedside table. He didn’t bother with a condom or even work himself open. He just got the lube on me, taking less than two strokes to get me hard, and sat. He winced, but he didn’t stop until his hips were over mine.

He started rocking his hips and leaned down, kissing me. I felt the cold chain on my chest as he moved and wrapped my arms around his waist, helping us get into the rhythm. It was raw and intense, nothing like sex had ever been between us.

When we finished, I felt empty.

I lay on my stomach, half-leaning out of the bed, with Noah resting his chest over me. He ran his hand over my back slowly, saying the same thing over and over again like a mantra, flooding my brain and numbing the ache in my heart.

“I’m going to make it better.”

Music bloomed as I approached the elevator. I pulled off my headphones to make sure I was hearing right. Noah was in the kitchen, half-dancing in his boxers. After our fight last night, we hadn’t said a word to each other before falling asleep. When I woke up, he was still sleeping. I debated waking him up, thinking we needed to talk. Instead, I decided on a run, and now there was music in the apartment. Noah looked up and smiled at me, his expression like sunlight after weeks in the dark.

“Hey,” I said tentatively.

“Hey, Atty,” he replied brightly.

I sat on the stool, watching him fiddle with things in the kitchen. Noah barely knew how to make scrambled eggs and toast, but today he had tried. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon were on the stove. Glancing around, I noticed he had cleaned up all the evidence from last night. The floor was spotless, and there were no empty beer bottles in sight.

“What is all this?”

“I wanted to do something nice for you.” He shrugged.

A smile started coming on. “Thanks.”

He winked. “I can give you something nicer after you shower,” he joked, sticking his tongue out.

I smiled at that.

There you are.

My eyes burned from relief. I pushed off the chair and headed towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing his back against my chest.

“I’m not done yet.” He chuckled.

“Thank you.” I hugged him tighter before kissing his cheek.

“I’d wait for a taste test before thanking me so much.”

“I’ll take a quick shower and come back.”

I kissed his cheek again before I left. He was mumbling under his breath along with the music. The bedroom was fixed, too, and the bathroom .

I changed and walked out to Noah’s proud face. I sat on the stool, and he rubbed his hands on my shoulders and nuzzled his face in my hair.

“Atty.”

“Yeah?” I was too scared to say anything more. I didn’t want to break this, whatever it was.

“I’m sorry about yesterday. About everything. I think you’re right about the distance.” His fingers went into my hair. “I was thinking we could spend the day together, and then you could stay over at your new apartment tonight. Without me.”

I blinked at him. “Are you sure?”

He smiled. “Yeah, it’ll be good for us.”

“Are you going to get help?” Silence fell between us again.

“Can we just…” He took a deep breath which I mimicked. “Put a pin in it and talk about this tomorrow? We’ll figure it out. You and me.”

We could do that. I guess we could. This problem wasn’t just going to leave.

“Are you okay with spending the night alone?”

A tiny crease formed between his brow and I almost flinched, expecting him to lash out.

“I’m three years older than you, Atty. I’m a big boy, I’ll be fine,” he told me kindly.

I breathed out, relieved. “Okay, we can try. I’ll come back if you need me to.”

He smiled. “I’ll be fine, but sure, I’ll let you know.”

“And we’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, Atty. We’ll talk tomorrow.” His hands held onto me tighter than usual, but his smile stayed the same.

Noah moved the stool close next to me and tucked himself under my arm as he ate. I smiled and wrapped my arm over his shoulder. It seemed like a million years ago the first time he had gotten this close to me in this very spot, and now I was so used to his body .

I texted Colin, telling him I was staying over. I saw Holly’s name and realized I had never sent her the text. I had typed it in and not hit send. I considered it, looking up at Noah, and decided to send it later. If I could keep this up a little longer, it would be worth it.

Noah seemed set on us having a good day. We went out for a walk, he showed me his favorite bakeries along the way, and we stopped to get an overly sweet croissant he devoured in seconds. He took me to a restaurant for lunch and chatted animatedly the whole time. When we went back to the apartment, he guided me to sit on the couch with him, playing a movie and leaning his back on my chest as we watched. We spent most of the afternoon curled up there.

Noah played music, and we sat looking at each other, his fingers running lazily through my hair as he mumbled the lyrics.

“I have another song for you,” he said with a smile. It started to play, slower and more melancholic this time, but the lyrics were beautiful as always. The sun was setting outside, casting soft rays on his face, making his eyes look light green.

“It’s nice. It feels sad.”

He nodded, the soft smile still on his face. “It is, but it’s perfect, don’t you think? You make me feel like I am whole again.”

Noah leaned his forehead against mine, and I closed my eyes, listening. I felt his soft lips on my cheekbone.

“I’m sorry, Atty,” he breathed against my skin.

“You already apologized.” I reached for his neck, feeling the hair at the nape touch my fingers.

“I know, but I need you to know it’s true. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.” He kissed my cheek again. “You’re so good to me, Atty. I know I haven’t acted like I appreciate it lately, but I do. ”

I reached for his lips, kissing him again. “You’re good to me, too, Noah. It’s just been different.”

“No, I haven’t been good. You deserve better than this,” he insisted.

I swallowed thickly. “So you’ll do better, right?” There was a beat of silence.

“Yeah, I’m going to do better,” he said with a smile.

I pulled his neck to kiss him again. “Then that’s all I need.”

Noah pressed his lips tightly together before sighing. “Can we go to bed? I want to get in bed with you before you leave,” he whispered.

“I can stay today, you know. Sleep there tomorrow,” I told him.

“No, we’re doing this today,” he said firmly.

“Only if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure, Atty.” He kissed me again. “Come on, take me to bed. Let’s have really slow sex.” He kissed the side of my lips, lingering close. He guided us towards his bed.

Once there, he made good on his promise of slow. He pushed me back on the bed and asked me to stay over him. He said he wanted to kiss me the whole time and kept his lips close to mine, his fingers tangled in my hair.

It felt different. Noah was serious. I wasn’t used to him being this quiet during sex. He didn’t joke around or make crass comments. He just kept asking me to slow down and kissed me again and again. When I told him I couldn’t keep holding back, he asked me to flip us, getting on top of me, his cold chain moving slowly over my chest as he rocked his hips and kissed me deeply, holding me in place. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he moved back, his hand on my jaw and his eyes fixed on my face. He watched me come, and I tried to keep my eyes on him as his movements rode the pleasure out of me. He kissed me and stroked himself, not letting me move an inch as he came too. His lips kept pressing on my face, on my cheeks, my jaw.

I loved him being like this, but it felt different. It was almost like he was trying to make the most of it. It gave me an odd feeling in my gut. I didn’t want to leave him.

We showered together, Noah clinging to me like he usually did, kissing the skin on my chest and neck, his hands roaming all over my body. It felt so good we wound up in bed again, not having sex but kissing each other and feeling our skin warm together. Everything felt so slow, so unlike him, and at the same time, it was perfect. I missed feeling him like this. I missed not fighting and having him close. Noah wanted to drink in the closeness, and I wanted to give him everything he needed.

When we finally got dressed, it was past eight, and Noah walked me to the door. I had my gym bag over my shoulder, and he held onto my hand.

“I really don’t have to go tonight.”

“I swear I’m fine.”

“You’ll call me if you need me to come back? Or you could come over.”

“I’ll call you before I go to bed.” He pushed the elevator button.

“I’ll miss you,” I told him.

He pressed his lips together before nodding. He looped his arms around my neck and kissed me. “I’ll miss you too. I love you, Atty. So fucking much,” he said against my lips.

“Noah—” I started to argue.

“I’m fine, Atty. Go.” He moved away and gave me a bright smile. Or at least I thought that’s what he tried to do; it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

The elevator dinged, and Noah’s eyes drifted towards it. Pressing his lips into a thin line, he looked haunted. His hand tightened on mine before letting go. He gave me a little push on my arm, and I sighed, kissing his cheek and walking in .

“I love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I thought I saw his lip trembling before he bit down on it, his eyes fixed on mine.

The elevator doors closed.