Page 18

CHAPTER

EIGHTEEN

AFTER

E zra’s words stuck with me. The next time I saw Noah after that game, he smiled at me. It was a small, controlled thing—nervous and hesitant. I didn’t return it. Instead, I turned away. I felt horrible afterward. When I glanced back at him, his usual smile had vanished, replaced by a deep frown. I wasn’t supposed to feel bad about this anymore. I wasn’t responsible for Noah’s mental stability.

I tried to act normally around him, not showing interest or hatred, but I quickly realized I had never known how to do that. Noah and I had never been friends, not really. I either loved him or hated him; there was nothing in between for us. Noah probably faced the same predicament, except he had never hated me. He didn’t know how to act around me either. He was so used to smiling at me that schooling his face into disinterest was challenging. When he looked at me, the only thing that came to mind was yearning .

We had our last championship match against Long Beach State and won. The sheer joy was enough to get me in the mood to celebrate. The team decided we were going to a club, and I didn’t protest. Chase was on the opposing team and was staying with us for the night. So that Friday, I went to the club with him. As soon as I stepped in, like, I was having bad flashbacks—PTSD from Noah’s disastrous birthday, I was sure. Chase walked me to the bar for a drink. As I glanced around, I spotted Noah talking to David.

“How’s that going?” Chase asked, following my gaze.

My resignation must have been written all over my face.

“You need to get over it, King. Do you want to try making out with me again?”

“I’m good, thanks,” I replied as he handed me a shot. I raised my eyebrows at him.

“You won the fucking championship,” he reminded me.

I rolled my eyes and clinked my shot to his before downing it. He turned to a tray holding a million tiny glasses.

“Are you drinking away your loss?” I gave him a pointed look.

“It’s for the team, come on.”

We moved towards the table where the rest of the team was standing. A couple of guys from Long Beach there too. Noah met my eyes and bowed his head slightly. I returned the gesture and said hi to the rest of them.

Chase handed me another shot, patting my back hard. “To the best fucking setter in the country,” he toasted, clinking his glass to mine.

I grimaced but drank it.

“Get me enough of these, and I might really make out with you, so play your cards right,” he teased, moving closer.

I shoved him back, and he grinned broadly.

“Not enough tequila in the world,” I said.

“You might not be into it anymore, but it’s getting Noah worked up.” He tugged on my shirt to whisper in my ear. “He was always a little jealous of me, right?”

I nodded, trying my best not to turn and look at Noah. “I’m not playing this game, Chase.” I pushed him back again.

“Suit yourself. I’m game if you change your mind.”

Ezra walked over to us, holding a shot glass too.

“Please don’t leave me alone with him,” I told Ezra, and they both cracked up.

They started talking about the server on Chase’s team, and I glanced over at Noah. He had a beer in his hand and was talking to David with a frown on his face. David said something, and Noah handed him his beer and placed his hands in his pockets. It actually did feel nice to see him get worked up over that, even though I’d told him a million times I wasn’t into Chase anymore and that he couldn’t possibly be into me.

The club’s lights flashed, and the bass pounded, echoing the chaos inside me. Noah’s nervous smiles, his frowns, the way his eyes lingered on me—it was all a reminder of the mess we were still in. I downed another shot, trying to drown out the confusion. When I glanced at Noah again, our eyes met, and a silent question hung between us. For a second, it felt like the world disappeared, leaving just the two of us in that crowded room. Then I blinked, breaking the spell, and turned back to Chase, determined to lose myself in the night and forget, even if just for a little while.

The longer the night went on, the more everyone drank. I tried my best to avoid too many shots and stuck to nursing a beer. Chase and Ezra, already deep into their cups, swayed together on the dance floor, their laughter breaking through the pulsing beats. I sat with Colin at the table as I watched the team slowly disperse, including Noah and David.

A while later, needing a break, I stumbled towards the bathroom. It was there I realized I was tipsier than I thought, the room swaying slightly as I tried to balance myself through the crowd. I fell into step behind Noah and David without meaning to. Noah was talking to a girl standing beside him.

“Sorry, I’m not interested,” he said loudly over the music.

The girl shot him a glance and started to walk away, her disappointment evident.

“Sorry,” he called after her, while David laughed. “That’s horrible. How do you do that nicely?” he asked David, scratching the back of his neck.

“Not like that,” David replied with a chortle.

“Shit, this is so fucking uncomfortable,” Noah muttered, glancing around the room.

“Are you going to take off?” David asked.

Noah’s eyes were still scanning the crowd. “Not right now. Maybe it’ll get better.”

The music was so loud, it was hard to listen…not that I was trying to. A girl pushed into me, and I apologized, the words barely audible over the pounding bass. David glanced back and noticed me, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“I’ll be a wreck at home thinking about them. At least here, I know it hasn’t happened yet,” Noah called back.

“Hi, Atticus,” David shouted.

A flush crept up my neck.

“Yeah, funny. I know I’m being a creep,” Noah said, still facing away, his shoulders slumping slightly.

David glanced at Noah and then towards me. Noah turned and spotted me, his eyes widening slightly, a flicker of something—regret, maybe?—crossing his face.

“Hi.” My voice was almost drowned out by the music.

Noah looked like he wanted to disappear. It’s not like I knew what he had been talking about. Though if he was talking about me just now, was he actually upset about Chase?

“Hey,” he mumbled, turning back to David.

“Sorry, I was just—” I pointed towards the table .

David dipped his head at me, and I moved past them. Christ, that had been awkward. I almost reached the table, but before I did, someone grabbed my hand and led me into the crowd. It was Chase. He was still with Ezra and a couple of girls.

“Ladies, meet the star of the night. Don’t get too excited. I know he’s hot, but he’s gay as a whistle.”

I rolled my eyes at him. I nodded at them with a half-smile, feeling their curious eyes on me.

“You should celebrate, Att,” Ezra said, handing me another shot.

I took it in my hand and felt Chase grab my arm and pull it over his shoulders.

I gave him an exasperated look while drinking. “Could you knock it off?” I asked him, annoyed by his antics.

“Noah’s fucking pissed. He deserves that, Att. He dumped you.” He leaned close so I could hear him over the roar of the music.

“I’m not that mad anymore.”

“So, he can get off with the entire population, but you can’t fool around with your high school crush?” His tone was incredulous.

“Do you have to keep throwing that in my face?”

“I’m trying to be a friend.” He moved to stand before me, a little too close for comfort. “Come on, kiss me.”

I looked at him horrified. “I’m not going to kiss you, Chase.”

“Just pretend I’m someone you’re really into.” His breath was hot against my ear.

“Do I need to remind you, you’re not gay and in a committed relationship?” I tried to reason with him.

“Sarah doesn’t care. She’ll think it was hot as fuck and be mad at me for not taking a picture. Come on, Att, kiss me. He’s looking over,” he said with a sly smile, his hand on the front of my shirt, pulling me closer .

“I don’t—” I started to say, and he pressed his lips to mine. I pushed him back, feeling a mix of frustration and amusement. “Chase, for fuck’s sake.”

He chortled, the sound infectious despite my irritation. “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

Someone pushed me, and I stepped closer to him, our bodies almost touching. Chase slipped his hand to the small of my back.

“I’m not trying to make him jealous.”

“Fine, then do it for me. I’m drunk, and the last time you kissed me it was just a peck,” Chase said.

“You’re not gay,” I reminded him again, hoping he would finally get the message.

“No, I’m not, but I want to kiss you. Come on, do it.” Chase pulled me down again. “I promise I’ll stop as soon as I can check this off my list, but do it properly. Pretend I’m Noah,” he said to my ear.

“Are you serious right now?” I asked, wide-eyed.

“Straight-faced, no joke. Kiss me, King.”

I took a deep breath. It was like he was playing chicken with me, and I was sick of it. He liked to see how far he could push, and I was drunk enough not to want to give him the satisfaction of backing down.

I grabbed the side of his face and kissed him. I felt him tense and smiled, thinking I had gotten him to back off. Then his hand was on my neck, keeping me from moving away, and he moved his lips, coaxing me to kiss him back.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now do it like you mean it,” he said against my lips and kissed me again, parting his lips and trying to get his tongue past them.

I sighed and gave in. I kissed him back. His hand grabbed my hair tightly as he pushed closer, opening his mouth and kissing me sloppily. I kissed him back a bit and then moved away .

“Happy?” I asked as he let go of my hair and pressed another shot into my hand. I drank it gratefully.

He laughed again.

“Are you done? Is that crossed off your list?”

His smile was wide. “Yeah, I don’t think we’re a good fit, King. You’re too uptight for me.”

“No, I’m just not into you.”

“At least you can have the satisfaction of knowing Noah’s pissed. You should have kissed me for longer if you wanted to make it more believable.”

“Not a fucking chance.”

“What the fuck?” Ezra asked us.

Chase roared with laughter again. I couldn’t help it. I sniggered, too, at Ezra’s confused face.

“He’s just being an idiot,” I told Ezra.

He smiled at Chase.

“He’s a terrible kisser. Wouldn’t recommend it,” Chase said.

I shoved him, playfully.

I looked towards the table, seeing Colin laughing at us. I tried to find Noah among them but didn’t see him. It was a little disappointing that I didn’t know if he was jealous after that, though considering how underwhelming the kiss with Chase was, I doubted it.

A little while later, I was done with the constant push of shots and the heat of people dancing around me, so I walked towards the terrace. The cool air was a relief. I leaned on the only open space on the railing, looking out at the city. The terrace was packed with people, too, but at least it wasn’t as stifling.

My eyes wandered until they landed on Noah in the corner, leaning against a wall and smoking one of those electronic cigarettes. I didn’t even stop to think it through. I just went to him .

“I didn’t know you smoked those.” I attempted to break the silence.

He was surprised, glancing down at the device and then back at me, exhaling a plume of vapor away from me.

“I don’t,” he replied. “It’s David’s.”

I was lightheaded enough to lean against the wall next to him, our shoulders almost touching. “So why are you?”

He gave me a resigned shrug. “I’m having a shitty day.”

“We won the NCAA championship today,” I reminded him, hoping to lift his spirits.

But Noah gave me a look that clearly said he wasn’t talking about that.

My gaze wandered towards the city, debating whether to mention Chase. How terrible it had been to kiss him and how it didn’t mean anything. But I remained silent, feeling it wasn’t my place to explain.

“You’re not drinking?” I tried to keep the conversation light.

“No, I don’t really drink anymore. I have a two-beer limit, but I didn’t want to drink today,” Noah explained.

“You don’t smoke weed either?”

He turned to face me fully. “Not really. I still do it occasionally, but not like before.” Noah put the gadget in his pocket.

I thought about that for a while. The silence between us was heavy with unspoken words. “Not any of the things from before?”

His green eyes met mine. “No,” he said simply.

I felt relieved. That was good.

“I went to rehab again after, well, you know, after.”

I stared down at my feet.

“I haven’t, not for more than a couple of years now.”

“That’s great, Noah. I’m happy to hear that,” I told him honestly.

He had a slight smile on his lips. “You are? ”

“Yeah, of course I am. I’m glad you’re better. You look better.”

Noah’s smile widened. “I am. Atty—” he started, and I pressed my lips together. He realized what he had just said and closed his eyes with a grimace. “Fuck, sorry. I think that’s harder to stop than the drugs.”

He surprised a laugh out of me.

Noah smiled and then laughed too. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. If I’d ever called you anything other than Noah, it would be hard for me too.”

He ran his tongue over his lips. I forced myself to look away.

“You were going to say something,” I prompted, meeting his eyes again.

“Yeah, I was going to ask if you maybe wanted to see each other sometime, you know, intentionally.” He had this look on his face, almost like he was bracing himself for rejection but still forcing himself to ask. It was so like him.

I looked back at my feet, my heart heavy. He stood there, waiting for me to respond. The words stuck in my throat.

“No, Noah,” I said finally, my chest tightening as they left my mouth.

He looked away from me, the hope in his eyes dimming. “I thought you might say that. I just thought, I don’t know. I guess I’m a sucker for punishment,” he added with a bitter laugh.

“I’m not punishing you.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” He reached his hand to my elbow absently, probably not even realizing he was doing it. “I meant?—”

“I know what you meant, but I want you to know I’m not saying no to punish you. I’m trying to be okay around you, but it’s still hard. You and I have a lot of history, and there’s still so much I don’t think I’m over. I know you didn’t mean to do it, but you really hurt me, Noah. ”

He dropped his hand and clicked his tongue, looking away.

“Even this. I’m thrilled you’re doing better, but it hurts that you didn’t change while we were together, and now it feels like it’s too late. Not for you, but for seeing each other intentionally.”

“I get it.” His shoulders slumped. I hated that he seemed so defeated.

“You did a really good thing for yourself, Noah. I’m proud of you. I just can’t…” My voice trailed off.

He smiled, a small, sad smile.

“What?”

“You didn’t have a nickname for me, but you can’t get out of the habit of comforting me.”

I blinked. I guess he was right about that.

“I know. I won’t go back if that’s what makes you nervous. I’m out here smoking this crap because I’m dealing with things differently. That’s not going to change,” he assured me.

I turned, leaning my shoulder on the wall, facing him, mimicking his stance. “That’s good.”

That was a mistake. Noah looked fantastic tonight, his black sweater fitted perfectly, his sleeves rolled back, accentuating his lean, muscular frame. He looked better than I remembered, healthier, stronger. I wished I could see him without that sweater on—without anything on.

When our eyes met, he was looking right at me, with not a trace of a smile on his face.

“You know, it’s really confusing when you keep telling me to stay away from you, but you look at me like that. And you smile at me. I’m not sure what it means.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be confusing. I just don’t know how to act around you,” I admitted honestly. “Plus, Ezra and Chase kept giving me shots, so I’m a little drunk. That makes it harder. ”

He let out a laugh. “I noticed.”

“You know I didn’t want to kiss Chase, right? That was terrible,” I confessed, unable to hold back.

He smiled again, looking uncomfortable but relieved. “Was it?”

“Yeah, he was insufferable about it. I thought it would shut him up, but it backfired.”

“I told you he was into you,” Noah remarked.

I let out a light laugh. “Chase is not into me. If he was, he’s definitely not into me anymore. I think he just wanted to tell Sarah he did it, some sort of weird foreplay with me in the middle.”

“Sarah was into you too,” he said.

I chuckled. “No, she wasn’t. If she’s into Chase, she’s not into me,” I countered.

“I think everybody is a little into you. Holly always had a thing for you too,” he added, making me smile. “Can’t say I blame them.”

There it was again—Noah’s involuntary side smile. His lips pressed together, one corner lifting higher than the other. The edges of his green eyes crinkled, barely hinting at his smile. His whole face was soft and relaxed. It was such a barely there gesture, and it still took my breath away.

I knew my self-control was shot, because my body acted before I even registered what it was doing. I grabbed his neck and guided him towards me. He stared, his face full of astonishment as his eyes dropped to my lips. I leaned down, our foreheads touching. His lips were parted, forming a silent “oh,” and for a second, I hesitated. I tried to listen to the voice in my head telling me to think about what I was doing before ignoring it and pressing my lips to his.

So fucking soft. We both melted into it. Noah’s hands rested on my back, just holding me, not pulling me closer, just there. He rose, probably lifting on the balls of his feet. I ran my thumb over his cheek .

I drew away slightly, our lips still touching, his warm breath mingling with mine. Pain constricted in my chest from the conflicting emotions. I had just kissed Noah. This was Noah pressed against me, holding my shirt. Noah, who had shattered my heart. Noah, who I had loved and still felt was a part of me. I moved farther away.

“Damn it,” I breathed out.

Noah’s hands moved to my face, to my hair. They felt good, familiar.

“I know you didn’t want to do it, Atty, but you have no idea how happy I am that you did. I still love you so much. I know I messed up, and I’ll never stop apologizing, but I love you so, so much,” he said, not moving an inch.

His words hit me hard. I still loved him too. I couldn’t help it.

“I can’t do this,” I said.

He leaned closer, pressing his lips to mine again. I thought about pushing him back but kissed him instead, feeling the comfort of his lips, the electricity he sparked in every cell in my body. I let my hand move to the back of his neck, holding him in place a little longer. He tilted his head and parted his lips, kissing me again, and I gave in for one more moment before pulling back.

He looked up at me, surprised at the lack of contact and trying to understand what had just happened.

“I can’t do this,” I repeated.

His hands dropped to my shoulders.

I pressed my palm to his chest and pushed him back gently. I licked my lips, still feeling his touch. “I can’t do this, Noah. I can’t.” I took a step back.

“We can try.” Noah was desperate.

“No, I’m not doing this.”

I slipped from his grasp and pushed my way back inside. He called after me, but I didn’t stop until I was out of the club and in a cab on my way home .

I couldn’t do this to myself, not again. I couldn’t fall for him again.

The next morning—or really, midday—we were all in the living room, miserable for different reasons. Ezra and Chase were suffering from their hangovers after practically drinking a bottle of tequila each. I had heard them come in at dawn, and about an hour later, somebody threw up in the bathroom. Chase had left, half dying as he caught an early flight back home. Colin and I were hungover, too—not as badly as them, but still enough to make it hard to move around. Colin had picked up a girl, and she had made her walk of shame out of the apartment in yesterday’s getup.

We sat in silence while a basketball game played in the background. Sunlight streamed through the curtains, casting harsh light on our disheveled state. I rubbed my temples, feeling the dull throb of a hangover settle behind my eyes.

“I think we should order food,” Colin said, breaking the silence.

“I hate food,” Ezra breathed out, slumped over on the couch like a ragdoll.

“You hate tequila,” I corrected.

He looked thoroughly defeated. “I hate tequila and food,” he declared.

“I’m ordering,” Colin insisted.

“Why is he so happy?” Ezra asked, rubbing his temples and wincing at the light.

“He got laid,” I said.

Ezra managed a weak laugh. “Oh god, I think I made out with one of the girls from the bar. I’m not even fucking sure,” Ezra confessed, grimacing at the thought.

“You did. It was graphic,” Colin informed him. “I’m having a chaser beer. Who wants one? Att?” he asked me, pulling a couple out of the mini fridge next to him.

“I’m good, thanks.” My mind drifted. I ran my hands through my hair and thought about Noah. I felt like I was back at square one, missing him and his proximity. The ache in my chest was as persistent as ever. “I did something stupid last night.”

Colin laughed under his breath. “Yeah, we know. We saw you kiss Chase. I think everyone did.”

I shook my head, looking at them again, my expression serious. “It’s worse than that.”

The smiles dropped from their faces.

“No,” Ezra said ominously.

I felt a fresh wave of guilt. “I kissed Noah,” I admitted.

Ezra’s mouth dropped open. Colin’s blue eyes went wide, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

I sighed, looking down at my lap. “You were both right, it seems. I can’t be around him and not go into this automatically.” I leaned my elbows on my knees and placed my face in my hands again.

“That’s why you left,” Colin said.

“I ran away.” I lowered my hands again. “And it was me. I can’t even blame Noah. I’m the one who went to talk to him. I’m the one who kissed him. I don’t know how to stay away from him. I don’t know what to do.”

“What did you talk about?” Ezra asked.

I leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. “About him quitting drugs, going to rehab after we broke up.”

Colin tensed at my words. “What?”

He drank his beer. Ezra gave him a puzzled side glance too.

“Nothing. What else?” Colin asked.

“He asked me if I wanted to see him. All the smiles confused everything again. It’s both of us. We don’t know how to stay away from each other. ”

“Do you want to get back together?” Colin asked.

Ezra had his arms crossed over his chest. His face was drawn and serious.

“I can’t go through that again. I haven’t forgiven him, not entirely.”

Colin’s expression was thoughtful as he glanced towards Ezra. I braced myself for whatever he planned on telling me. Ezra’s opinions were always harsh, but they were well intentioned, too, and I had grown to trust him. Both of them. But Noah had always been the big wedge between Ezra and me. I knew what he thought of him.

“You know,” Ezra told me, “I don’t want to be an advocate for the devil, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the last time we talked about it.”

I waited for him to go on.

“That guy has been through hell.”

I sighed, looking down at my lap, fiddling with the string of my hoodie.

“I’m not excusing his behavior, Att. He fucked up, made a million mistakes, and treated you like crap. But he’s changed. I never told you, but he apologized to me a couple of weeks after he got back on the team. It was a good one too. I don’t think he should have directed that energy towards me, but you can tell he’s trying. I tried putting myself in his shoes, only for your sake, and honestly, after how badly he fucked up, I don’t think it could have been easy coming back here. I think anybody would have just said good riddance and started over somewhere new. But he came back. And fuck, I can’t even begin to imagine what that decision must have been like. It must have been hard being this miserable, having people not talk to him, be mad at him, having you hate him. He’s a recovering addict, being around a hard situation like this,” Ezra said and shrugged. “It’s admirable he stuck with it,” he added.

I was blindsided. Not once since Noah had been in the picture had Ezra ever said anything remotely nice about him. Colin was surprised, too, but he had a small smile on his lips.

“He came back for you, Att, I think that’s pretty clear,” Ezra told me, and it was like feeling the heartbreak all over again. “This is his penance for what he did. He’s going through this for you. To show you he’s different. Make of that what you will, but I think Noah’s still in love with you.”

My lips pulled down, and I tried to push this back down. I hated that I had to keep reliving this over and over again. This fucking pain that only seemed to exist in regard to Noah.

“I know he is,” I said quietly. “But it wasn’t enough last time.”

Colin gave me a sympathetic look. “You don’t know how guilty I’ve felt for bringing Noah into your life,” he told me.

I raised an eyebrow, unsure of his meaning. “It’s not your fault,” I said.

Colin gave a noncommittal shrug and tilted his head. “I know, but I still introduced you two. Now I don’t know. I know how much this has hurt you, both of you. But I also think it has an amazing side too. I’ve never felt about anybody the way you two feel about each other. I used to think it was Noah’s obsessive personality, the drugs, that made things so intense, but I can see it now.”

“What?”

“Ezra’s right. You’re the real deal. I witnessed it when you were together,” he said.

I tried to blink away the burning behind my eyes.

“I’m not saying that you should get back together with him, but you really loved each other. I know he was your first love, Att, and I don’t think you’re aware of it, but you were Noah’s first love too. He doesn’t want to let that go, and I don’t blame him. It’s not easy to find.”

“Bottom line, Att, the ball is in your court now. You’re the one that has to decide if it’s still worth it,” Ezra said .

I couldn’t look at him. I felt like I was about to break down.

“Because he already decided you were worth the fight,” he finished.

“I hate this,” I said, rubbing my eyes, placing a hand over my mouth, and breathing in.

“I know, Att,” Ezra said, reaching forward to pat my knee.

“I don’t think I can do it,” I said again.

Ezra shrugged. “It’s up to you,” he said, taking another drink of his beer.