Page 23

CHAPTER

TWENTY-THREE

BEFORE

I woke up in the dark, the room silent except for the distant hum of the city outside. I reached out, expecting to feel Noah beside me, but his side of the bed was cold. Sitting up, I rubbed my face, trying to shake off the grogginess. I glanced towards the bathroom, but the lights were out, casting long shadows across the floor. My watch read two in the morning.

The door to the living room was ajar, and a soft glow spilled through the crack. I got up, pushed the door open, and saw Noah sitting cross-legged in his boxers, bathed in the blue light of the TV screen. He was engrossed in his video game, the controller moving rapidly in his hands. His hair was tousled, and there was a focused intensity in his eyes.

“Hey, Atty. What are you doing up?” he asked cheerfully, barely glancing at me before returning his attention to the game .

“I came to ask you the same thing.” I stifled a yawn. “It’s two in the morning, Noah.”

“I know, I couldn’t sleep.” He didn’t take his eyes off the screen. “I didn’t want to bother you. I’ll go to bed as soon as I finish this level, okay?” His tone was casual, as if this were perfectly normal. “If you miss me, you can sleep on my lap,” he added with a playful grin.

“No, thanks. Don’t take too long. You’re going to be wrecked tomorrow. Or today, I guess.”

“Sure thing, babe. I’ll be right in. Go back to bed,” he said absently, his fingers moving swiftly over the controller.

I watched him for a moment longer, the light from the TV flickering across his face, highlighting the dark circles under his eyes.

I went back to the room and into the bathroom. This was the fifth night in a row Noah had complained about not sleeping well. So far, I had found him reading on the couch, smoking weed on the balcony, and playing video games. He had been drinking too many energy drinks; that’s probably what had him so wired. I tried to talk him out of them, but he just waved me off. At night, I could count four or five in the trash can. I had no idea if he had more during the day.

I stared at my reflection, my eyes drawn to Noah’s pill bottle on the counter. I opened it and counted the pills: ten. That didn’t seem right. He should have had fewer than that. Maybe I wasn’t tracking properly. The numbers swam in my head.

I went back to bed, the sheets cool against my skin. I lay there, listening to the faint sounds of the game from the other room before drifting off black to sleep.

Noah’s footsteps padded softly on the carpet, waking me up. He tucked himself next to me, his body warm against mine. I checked my watch again.

It was almost five in the morning.

He was fast asleep when I left for my run. When I returned to the apartment, I expected him to still be in bed, but music was blasting through the space, a familiar rhythm. Noah was out on the balcony, smoking again, his silhouette etched against the morning light. I knocked on the window. Noah turned to me with a smile, his eyes lighting up at the sight of me.

“I thought you’d still be asleep.” I stepped out to join him.

He took another drag and flicked the butt into the trash. Walking over, he hugged me, his arms wrapping around my waist.

“I’m all sweaty,” I complained.

“I know. I’ve already told you I like that.” He kissed the side of my neck. “Salty,” he added with a laugh when I pushed him back.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, Atty. You know I haven’t been having the best time, but it’s better when you’re around. It sucks you have to leave for the day.”

I hugged him again, burying my face in his hair, inhaling his familiar scent. “Have you been taking your pills?” I asked quietly. I had done the math, and the pills weren’t adding up.

“I missed one yesterday, but yeah, I’ve been taking them.”

I closed my eyes, relieved. He was missing two days, but that wasn’t so bad. At least he was being honest. “Don’t forget to take it. I’m heading for the shower.”

“Is that an invitation?”

“As if I could keep you out if you wanted to come in, with or without one.”

“It’s good to know you’re already getting the hang of it. Hey, I need to ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

Noah let go of me and leaned back on the door, his hand sliding down to mine. “I have to go to Seattle again, this week or the next. I want you to come with me.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m dreading it. I have a meeting with my mom and the lawyers to set her allowance for the year. She wants it updated. I’m not going to stay at her place, so we could book a hotel. Have you ever been?”

I shook my head.

“I could show you around: the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, the works.” His smile was warm.

“But—”

“It’ll be my treat. The only thing you need to bring is yourself,” Noah told me.

I stared out at the city. “How long would it be for?”

His smile grew. “Just one night. We can fly overnight, sleep there, and come back the next day, like I did last time.” He moved closer.

“Like on the weekend? ’Cause I can’t miss training.”

He nodded, understanding my hesitation. “We’d have to go Friday night and come back on Sunday. Is that okay?”

I took a deep breath. “I feel like it’s a lot, Noah. Getting last-minute plane tickets, a hotel…”

“I’ve told you it’s not a problem for me. Besides, I’d be getting the hotel anyway. I have a ton of frequent flier miles. I’m basically taking you there for free. I won’t be drinking as much, so I’ll end up saving money. It’s a win-win. Plus, you’ll be there as my emotional support boyfriend. The least I can do is pay for it.”

I bit my lip. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure, let me know when you’ve thought it through.” He smiled, but it was tight.

I could tell he was disappointed. I hated making him look like that.

“I’ll tell my mom about it, see what she thinks. If she’s fine with it, I’ll go. ”

He gave me another smile, this time for real. “That’s great, Atty. I promise I’m a great travel buddy. You won’t regret it. If you’re up for it, I have a place in New York. We could go there for the summer, or wherever you want.” The words left him in a rush.

I smiled at his evident excitement. “Let’s see how this goes first. Now, I have to go shower.”

“You mean we have to shower,” he said, grinning.

I rolled my eyes as he wrapped his arms around my waist, walking behind me.

“I have a great song for you. I’ll play it in the bathroom.”

Wednesday after the gym, I walked into the apartment to the sound of loud music and voices. I had gotten so used to it just being the two of us that it surprised me.

I placed my gym bag on the kitchen counter and saw Holly, Colin, Noah, and another girl I didn’t recognize out on the balcony, smoking weed. I knocked to alert them to my presence. They all turned and looked at me guiltily.

“Atty’s home,” Noah said brightly, walking over to hug me.

“Hey, man, what are you doing here?” I asked Colin, who gave me a side hug with Noah still wrapped around me.

“We ran into Holly and Marissa after training, and Noah invited us over,” Colin explained.

I was glad to see him, even if it felt a little weird. Evidence of our shared life was everywhere—my protein shakes on the counter by the blender, my shoes next to Noah’s at the entrance, and my laundry folded on Noah’s bed, waiting to be put away. If I’d known they were coming over, I would have tried to make it less obvious. All of my games were sitting right there on the coffee table. Noah hadn’t bothered putting them away after spending the last couple of nights playing.

Colin moved away and Noah looked at me. “Did you not want me to have them over? I thought you’d be happy to see Col here,” he asked quietly.

“No, I am. I just wish I’d put some of my things away.”

“Col knows you stay here all the time. Holly too.” He was right about that.

I still went into the apartment and started tidying up a bit. They all followed me inside and sat on the couch.

“Is it okay we came?” Colin asked, walking over.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “It’s Noah’s apartment,” I pointed out.

He gave me a wan smile. “Sure, Att,” he said, and I pressed my lips together.

“Atty! I found a great one today!” Noah said brightly. He fiddled with his phone.

“Noah,” I said, starting to feel embarrassed. I glanced at Colin, who gave me a curious smile. “There are people here.”

Noah looked up at me puzzled. “What, these guys? Colin and Holly have been watching me make an ass of myself for the longest time. They don’t mind.”

They both agreed with exaggerated gestures.

“For years and years, Att,” Holly said.

“And years,” Colin added.

I widened my eyes at Noah as the music started to play. He was standing next to the TV, facing away from me.

“And years. Except for you, Marissa,” Noah said, pointing at her and then opening his hand in a theatrical show. This was going to be bad. “Welcome to a new episode of singing corny love songs to my beautiful boyfriend, Atticus King, in the hopes of keeping him in love with me forever,” he said.

My eyes grew wider. “Noah,” I begged.

He cranked up the volume and started to dance .

“‘What I want, you got,’” Noah sang. He pressed his hand on his chest and then pointed at me with a wink.

My face heated up violently, but he continued, dancing to the cheerful beat towards me. Colin let out a laugh, and I was mortified. He gave me a bright smile. Noah sang, widening his eyes and standing with his palms open, then lifting his hands in question. Holly and Marissa looked from Noah to me, both with wide grins on their faces.

Noah smiled at me, holding his hands out to me. “‘Well, well, you,’” he sang, pointing at me, “‘you’re making my dreams come true,’” he said, holding his hand on his chest.

Despite how embarrassed I was, it was still terribly sweet.

“Noah, please,” I asked, knowing I was doing a poor job of keeping my smile down.

“No, no, no, don’t be embarrassed. I’m the one making a fool of himself, I promise. Listen, this is the best part,” he said, coming towards me.

Colin stepped back to let him through, and I gave him a pleading look, but he just smiled.

“Seriously?” I asked Noah as he gripped my hands.

He sang, placing his hands on his chest. I shook my head at him, but he kept on singing, giving a little jump and grabbing my hands again, placing them around his waist to mimic the lyrics. He grabbed the side of my face, singing closer to me and looking me right in the eyes, claiming he wasn’t the same and that he would never be, and I couldn’t stop my smile. Noah grinned in return.

“You’re the worst, Noah,” I told him.

He let out a booming laugh. “Come on, guys, a little help,” he said.

A soft chuckle escaped me as I closed my eyes.

“‘Well, ’cause you,’” he sang again. “‘You’re making my dreams come true.’” He laughed as they all joined. “See, I turn your life into a real-life romantic musical. ”

I clasped my hand on his neck and kissed him. Noah kissed me back, tangling his hands in my hair.

“This is literally the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Marissa gushed.

Noah smiled against my lips.

“Poor Col,” Holly said.

“What does Colin have to do with this?” I asked.

“Do you think there’s any chance he’s getting any after that cock-block move Noah just pulled? You can’t expect to score a one-night stand in the face of true love, Att. It’s just not possible,” Holly told me.

Noah was beaming at me. He kissed my cheek and lingered by my ear.

“Hear that? True love,” he whispered, and it felt like fireworks in my heart.

Noah was more subdued after that. We settled back on the couch, his back resting against me, my arm around his waist as he traced lazy patterns on my skin with his nails. I had never seen him withdraw from a conversation like this before. Holly and Colin were talking about the parties they used to have in high school, walking Marissa through them.

Noah pushed back from where he sat and climbed over my lap, resting his face on my shoulder.

“Are you tired?” I asked him, not objecting to his closeness in front of others for once.

“Yeah, I think I smoked too much. I’d get a Red Bull, but I don’t want to get up,” he murmured, his voice a soft hum against my neck.

“Do you want me to get it for you?” I offered, feeling his hand tighten on my waist, holding me in place.

“No. I don’t want you to move either. ”

“What about the boat? What happened to the boat, Noah?” Colin asked.

“That one week? It was horrible. I think Clara hooked up with half the class,” Holly said, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“We still have it, but haven’t gone in ages,” Noah said.

“You have a boat?”

“My family has…” He stopped. “Well, yeah, I guess I do have a boat,” he corrected and yawned.

“It’s a yacht,” Holly told Marissa. “We had the best time whenever we went.”

“We could go if you want, just us two,” Noah said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, we could tan, fuck, and sleep. All day, every day. It’d be great. If you get out to sea far enough, there’s no cell reception. Like the rest of the world didn’t exist, just us two.” His breath was warm against my skin. He kissed my neck softly and nestled closer.

“That sounds nice.” I reached my hand into his hair, tentatively. I wasn’t used to doing things like this in front of other people, but he was so relaxed that I couldn’t help but indulge him.

I started stroking his hair, and he curled himself closer, nodding appreciatively.

“Everything with you sounds nice, Atty.” He was always making me smile. Noah accused me of being sweet, but he had turned into a sap too.

His weight started to grow slack, and his breathing evened out. I tried to catch a glimpse of his face but couldn’t from this angle.

I tapped Colin’s leg next to me, and he turned. “Did he fall asleep?”

Colin checked and nodded, smiling. “Yeah, he’s out,” he confirmed.

“Did he smoke a lot? ”

Holly turned, noticing Noah sleeping on me. “God, he’s like a kid, isn’t he? Being in a relationship with Noah has to be pure chaos. You’re a trooper for putting up with him,” she joked.

“He’s not so bad,” I said.

Marissa awww ed. “What are you talking about? They’re perfect,” she told Holly.

“You’ve just met Noah, Mari. Att’s perfect. Noah’s like a fireball,” she tried to explain.

“I think I’ll carry him inside. He hasn’t been sleeping well.”

“See? Perfect,” Holly said, then her expression clouded. “Wait, Noah hasn’t been sleeping well?” she asked, her face serious.

“He’s been like this for a week now. I keep finding him up at three in the morning. I don’t know if he’s sleeping during the day, but he’s definitely not doing it at night,” I told her.

Her frown deepened.

“Is that bad?”

Her face cleared, like a mask going back in place. “No, it’s probably nothing. He’s been stressed about his mom, hasn’t he? That’s what has him like this.”

“Yeah, he has to go back home this week.” I didn’t mention him asking me to come along. I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it yet.

“Do you need help?” Colin asked.

I got my hand under Noah’s knees and his arm.

“No, I got it.” I pushed off the couch, holding Noah close.

“Oh my god, please wait, I need to get a picture of this,” Holly said, fumbling with her phone.

Colin and Marissa laughed. I pressed my lips together as she snapped a picture and giggled. I carried Noah to the bedroom and laid him gently on the bed. His lips were still parted, his breathing steady. Noah was usually a light sleeper. He must have been really out of it not to wake up during all that commotion .

“Att, we’re going to take off,” Holly said, poking her head into the bedroom.

“You don’t have to.”

“We’re heading over to my place. Hey, Att, come here for a second,” she said, pulling on my shirt and lowering her voice.

We left the room, and she glanced back.

“What is it?”

“You know I love him, right? Noah keeps asking me to stay out of it, but I’m worried about him. I know you’re here with him, and I know that makes it better, but I know him, Att. If you ever need help, don’t hesitate to call.” Her concern was evident.

“I don’t get it, Holly. Isn’t he doing better?”

“Noah loves to downplay how bad it is. Don’t fall for it too.”

“But, like, his depression? What?”

“His addiction, Att,” she said gently, her eyes kind.

Her words still felt like a blow to the gut.

“This spiral he’s in. He’s had to quit before, but this time he wants it, and I can tell it’s getting to him. He had like four Red Bulls while we were here, and he’s still out cold.”

Fuck .

“He’s not sleeping. Has he been eating?”

“Noah doesn’t eat much, but I thought that was just him.”

“He’s not like that, Att. I know you haven’t known him for long, and you met him in the thick of it, but Noah’s not like this. Noah loves to eat out, and he’s addicted to sweets. He’s never been able to stop at one bite if he has chocolate in hand. He’s loud and obnoxious, but he can stand still. These mood swings. I’m not saying he’s perfect, but that crap with Ezra on his birthday? That’s not him. He snaps at everything. I don’t know how you two are getting along, because all he tells me is that you’re perfect, but I’m guessing he keeps picking fights with you. He loves you, Att. If he’s like that with you, can you imagine what it’s like for the rest of us?” Her words spilled out in a rush.

“Holly…” I started, feeling my heart thumping against my rib cage.

“I’m not telling you this to scare you. I know you love him too. I want him to get better. If he starts using again, he’ll stop seeing me, and you’re going to be dealing with this alone, and I don’t want you to. For both your sakes. Please tell me if you think it’s happening again,” she said.

“I don’t know how to tell,” I admitted honestly.

“He’ll be super energetic, almost frantic. He’ll hold his face like he has a runny nose. He’ll be in the bathroom a lot, eat less, and lose weight. Just look out for that,” she advised. “If he can stick to it for a while longer, I think it’ll be alright. He just needs to hold out.”

“What about all the other stuff?”

“What other stuff?”

“The hearing with his mom, the depression, his dad? Doesn’t that make it worse? He’s not going to therapy, and I don’t know how to help with that.” I took another step away from the room and closed the door behind me.

Holly blinked at me. “Noah told you about that? About his dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, then I guess that’s good, Att. Noah never talks about those things, not even to me. If he’s talking to you about it, that makes it a lot better.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m serious, Att. Noah didn’t tell me when his dad died. That’s how bad he is at it. I had to hear from my mom and barely made it to the funeral. If Noah is opening up to you…” Holly paused, thinking it over. “It’s unprecedented. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe I’m worried over nothing.” She gave me a little smile, and I breathed out, relieved.

“Good. ”

“Don’t hesitate to call, alright? And keep an eye on him,” she told me.

I could do that. I could keep him safe.

After they left, I got into bed and wrapped myself around him as he breathed softly. This time, I felt restless. I wanted Noah to be okay, but I felt like I was kidding myself—seeing only what I wanted to see. Everyone kept telling me things about Noah, and even though I could see some of it, it wasn’t all. I didn’t think his addiction was this bad, and all I heard was that I was in over my head. I wanted to believe he was over this, but the more I thought about it, the less sure I was.

Two hours later, I still couldn’t sleep. He stirred in my arms. He took a deep breath and stretched against me, his body warm and firm. He blinked as if trying to clear the fog of sleep from his eyes.

“Hey.” His voice was thick with drowsiness. “Where did everybody go?”

“You fell asleep on me. They left to go to Holly’s.” I kissed his cheek.

“Shit, sorry.” He attempted to sit up.

I held him back, feeling his muscles tense under my touch.

He huffed a laugh. “I thought that was my move.”

“Don’t go. You haven’t slept that long. It’s only ten.” My voice came out softer than I intended.

“That’s a solid power nap. We could go to Holly’s. Do you want to?”

“No, let’s stay here.”

He kept trying to push back, and I tightened my grip around him.

“Come on, let me get up.”

“Let’s go back to sleep. Don’t leave the bed.”

“I’m awake. I can’t go back to sleep. If you don’t want to go, I can finish the final boss. It kicked my ass last night.” He tried to sit up again .

I held him tighter, moving over him, settling between his legs, and nestling my face by his neck.

He laughed lightly. “Atty, come on,” he said, but his words lost some of their strength.

“I don’t want you to leave. Stay here with me.”

He stopped struggling, his body relaxing into mine. “Well, that’s a horse of a different color. I’ll stay here with you.”

I kissed his neck, feeling the pulse of his heartbeat against my lips. I ran my hand under his shirt and up his side, tracing the lines of his ribs.

“Is that what you want?” His tone turned playful.

“I always want you.”

Noah nudged my chin to make me look at him. “Really?”

“It’s not like you’re forcing me into having sex with you, you know.”

“Alright, then you seduce me this time around,” he whispered.

I leaned back and kissed his neck, biting softly on the skin between kisses. Noah arched to the touch, a soft moan escaping his lips. My hand slid under his shirt and up his back, feeling the warmth of his skin. I let my weight drop on him just enough, like I knew he liked, and moved my hips against his. It felt like playing an instrument, knowing exactly which chords to hit to get him into it. He grew hard against me, and I smiled to myself. I knew how to take care of him here. I just needed to learn how to do it with the rest of him.

I knelt back on the bed and got his clothes off as he smiled up at me. Even as a bottom, Noah liked being in control. He loved calling the shots and telling me what to do, but he was into this too. I pulled my shirt off and watched him nod, his eyes traveling down my body appreciatively. I undid my jeans, stepped off the bed to remove them, and then stood for a second, letting him look at me. Noah tilted his head almost imperceptibly, running his tongue over his lip.

“Like that?” I whispered .

His eyes found mine. He gave me a lazy nod. I clasped his legs and brought him to the edge of the bed. He sat up and kissed me as I leaned down to him. I broke apart and pushed on his shoulders, getting him to lie on his front, his legs falling off the bed.

He breathed a little surprised laugh. “This is really hot. I like you like this,” he told me.

I dropped to my knees.

“Whoa, wait, what are?—”

I licked a stripe from his tailbone up to his lower back.

“Atty,” he let out weakly.

“Stay still.”

He huffed out a shaky laugh. I used my hands to spread him open and ran my tongue over him again, this time aiming lower.

Noah gasped and then groaned. “Fuck. Atty, wait,” he tried again.

But I pushed my hand on his tailbone, holding him still before moving closer and sucking on the furrowed skin.

“Oh, fuck,” Noah said loudly.

I kept alternating between licking and sucking, each time earning new sounds from him. He really liked this, even if he was trying to resist. He started pushing his hips back towards me. As I licked, I pushed my tongue against him. Noah practically screamed at that. I could feel his legs shaking.

“Oh my god, Atty, what the fuck?” He moaned as I kept doing it over and over.

I moved away to spit on him and worked a finger in as I reached for the lube. I started working him open, alternating between my fingers and my tongue. Noah sounded like he was on the verge of losing it. When I stopped feeling resistance, I got up from the floor, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and grabbed his hips, getting him on all fours on the bed.

“Are you okay?” I opened the condom and put it on .

“Yes, please get in me already.”

I pushed against him, entering him with ease. Noah let his legs slip farther apart, supporting his weight on his palms.

“You look so good arching like that.”

He moaned. I grabbed his shoulder, pulling him towards me, pressing his back against my chest. I started pumping my hips, keeping my pace slow. One hand stayed on his hip, feeling him push back towards me, while the other held his neck. Noah arched beautifully, leaning his head back on my shoulder. I kissed his jaw and watched him moan.

“This feels so fucking good, please get your hand on me.” He gasped.

I did as he asked, and he reached his hands to my hair, tangling and pulling to keep himself steady. Every time I moved my hips, Noah met me halfway, drawing me deeper before pulling back and starting over.

“Stop, stop.” He covered my hand with his.

“What’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing. I just want this to go on forever. Keep moving like that. Don’t move your hand, just keep it there.”

I followed his orders. I wasn’t sure if it was my pace or his anymore, or if we had somehow made this movement ours in the best possible way, but I knew exactly what he meant. I wanted to feel this with him forever. It wasn’t about reaching the end but savoring each moment before we got there. Every time I quickened the pace, Noah slowed me down seamlessly. I did the same for him, keeping each other in line and preserving this moment.

When his legs started to shake with the effort of staying upright, I moved him to the bed, his back against the pillows. I hooked one arm under his knee, pressing him up, cradling his head with my free hand. Noah held his arms loosely around my neck, parting his lips for me, his hands stroking my hair or shoulders with soft movements that were a caress, not urging me in the slightest.

Noah’s moans started rising in intensity, and I quickened my pace, making sure he got where he needed. I pressed my hand on the bed to give him room, watching his hand move quickly over his cock as he threw his head back, lost in pleasure. I leaned down to lick the sweat from his neck, tasting the saltiness of his skin, and he groaned again, a deep sound. Noah tightened his fist in my hair, pulling me towards his lips, and came against my mouth, moaning as he arched off the bed, his entire body trembling.

Seeing him like that, so vulnerable and open, was all it took for me to follow his lead. I pushed into him, riding my orgasm, then stopped with my hips flush against his, our bodies perfectly aligned.

We caught our breaths together, his forehead on mine, our soft exhales matching. I opened my eyes to see him looking right back at me. He stroked the side of my face and back towards my hair, tracing his path with his eyes.

“Whatever the hell that was, please do it again.” I loved how breathless his voice sounded.

“That definitely wasn’t just me.” I leaned in to kiss him.

Noah was soft and relaxed, his usual edges smoothed by the afterglow. I had never felt him this malleable to me, this open.

“I know you don’t know this, Atty, but sex isn’t usually like this, like what we just did. You felt that, right? It’s not just me being crazy?” He searched my face.

“I felt it,” I assured him, brushing the hair away from his brow.

He closed his eyes tightly, as if trying to hold onto the moment.

“I could never give you up, Atty. I don’t think you know how much I love you.”

“You don’t have to give me up. I’m here. ”

His eyes met mine, a soft smile following close behind. His knuckles grazed my cheek, and I leaned into the touch.

“You are, aren’t you?” he whispered. “I’m never letting you go, even if you beg me to.” He smiled and bit his tongue.

He meant it as a joke, but I wished he didn’t. I didn’t want Noah to ever let me go.

Sex started to become a quick fix. If Noah tried to get up in the middle of the night, I’d keep him with me in bed. If I woke up and he was gone, I’d either go to him and end up having sex on his couch or bring him back to bed for the same. If I saw him reach for his third Red Bull in an hour, I’d kiss him against the fridge to make him forget about it. By Friday, I was starting to feel sleep-deprived too.

That afternoon, I got called to my advisor’s office.

She told me my grades had been dropping. It wasn’t significant yet, but she wanted to make sure I was on top of it. My RA had mentioned I hadn’t been sleeping in the dorm since winter break, and my advisor warned me that new relationships could sometimes be too intense and drive us off course. She said I needed to rethink my priorities before it was too late. She didn’t have to mention that, if my grades kept dropping, I would lose my scholarship. The conversation made it clear enough.

I talked to my mom after that. I told her what they told me, about Noah and the trip to Seattle. She was very against it. It had been a while since the last time we had a disagreement, and I hated how it made me feel. It was like I was disconnected from everything in my life that wasn’t Noah.

He didn’t show up for training, and I couldn’t concentrate properly. My mind kept wandering to him. Colin and Ezra asked me to a party that night, and I immediately refused. All I could think about was getting back to the house and making sure Noah was okay.

As soon as I slipped in, I spotted him sitting on the couch playing a video game.

“Hey,” he called.

The faint clicking noises from the controller echoed in the quiet room. I walked towards the fridge. The food I’d left out was still there, untouched. I checked the trash can: four empty Red Bull cans and one more on the coffee table.

I dropped my bag on the counter and sighed. “Do you want to go out?”

Noah paused the game and looked at me, surprised. “Where?”

“Colin invited me to a party.”

Noah was in sweats and the sleeveless hoodie I had given him for Christmas. He tilted his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “If you want to, we could stay in too.”

“I talked to my mom today, Noah.”

Noah smiled and came over to me. “That’s great, Atty. We can go next weekend?” he asked.

I shook my head. The smile dropped from his face.

“Maybe I can come next time,” I said.

Noah just stared at me. “You’re not going to come because your mom said you couldn’t?” His tone made it very clear what he thought about that.

“She didn’t say I couldn’t. I’m really behind in classes. I need to focus more on school.”

“What does that have to do with the trip? You could study there.”

“I can’t go,” I told him. My tone was firm, and I could tell it unsettled him. Noah wasn’t used to hearing no, especially from me.

“But…” His gaze fell away from me. “I already got everything,” he added quietly .

“Noah, I told you I wasn’t sure yet. You were supposed to wait.”

His face morphed into a scowl. “Whatever, Atty.” He stormed towards his room and slammed the door.

I closed my eyes. I moved towards the room and knocked. “Noah, please don’t be like this.” I tried to open the door but found it locked. I leaned my forehead against it. Silence. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal. I’ll go with you next time. I promise. I just can’t this time,” I tried again. I couldn’t hear anything from the other side. I sighed and sat on the couch.

It took Noah two hours to come out. He didn’t look any calmer. He had changed, swapping the hoodie for a flowered button-down shirt, open to his chest. He gave me a defiant look, almost waiting for a comment. I shrugged, and he walked towards the kitchen to make himself a drink.

“I suppose this means we’re going out. I’ll change,” I told him, receiving no response.

We didn’t say a word to each other at the house or on the ride over. Noah was radiating this pent-up anger and wearing it like armor. I knew it was better to leave him alone when he got like this, but it didn’t seem right.

Before we rushed into the party, I held him by his arm. “Noah, can we just talk about it?”

“About what?”

“You’re mad at me.”

The corners of his lips turned down. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not?” I asked, frowning. He was clearly upset with me.

“No. It’s not a big deal, right?” His question came with a sardonic smile before turning to walk in.

I followed, but he kept pushing through the crowd, getting farther away. I glanced at Noah before giving up. Maybe after he had cooled down.

I made my way to Ezra, who greeted me with a smile. I stayed talking to him and his friend, and soon Colin joined. He looked confused seeing me without Noah but didn’t comment. An hour went by, and I wasn’t getting any calmer. Colin asked me to go to the terrace with him. When we walked out, the first thing I noticed was Noah.

I stopped cold.

He was leaning against a wall, talking to a guy, his hand half-tucked into his jean pocket, looking up and smiling easily. The guy was smiling down at him, and Noah’s free hand was on his shirt.

“Um,” Colin said next to me, clearly uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Col.” I handed him my drink and pushed my way over to them.

Noah spotted me first, and the smile didn’t slip from his face.

I turned towards the guy. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I just need to ask him something,” I told him and turned to Noah.

He crossed his arms and smirked at me.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” I asked Noah angrily.

Noah glanced past me to the guy, still standing there. “Sorry, my boyfriend gets a little jealous,” he said with a shrug.

“Fuck you, Noah,” I told him and turned to walk away.

The guy tried to call out an apology, then Noah’s hand was on my arm, pulling me back.

“Atty, calm down, come back.”

I turned to look at him, pressing my lips together. “Really?”

“It sure feels like a big deal when it’s something you care about, right?” he asked.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. “Is this you trying to teach me a lesson, Noah? Flirting with some guy, actively trying to hurt me because I said I couldn’t go on a trip with you? What the hell is the matter with you?” I was failing to keep my temper down .

The smile slipped from his face. “You know why it’s important to me. It’s not just a trip. Don’t put it like that,” he defended.

“And that makes it all right? As if you even asked why I couldn’t come? I got called into my advisor’s office today, Noah, because I’m falling behind and skipping classes. You know I’m on a scholarship. Do you know what that means? If I keep falling behind, they’re going to take it from me, and I’m going to have to quit volleyball and go to a state school in Miami. Now, do you get why this is a big fucking deal to me?”

His eyes grew for a second before the defiance returned. “If you lost your scholarship, I could just pay for your tuition.”

I froze, his words felt like a slap to the face. “I can’t be around you right now.” I turned to walk away from him.

He pulled on my arm again. “Atty, stop.”

“No, I need a minute. Let me go,” I insisted.

“I’m serious. It’s not like I can’t solve it.”

I tried to shrug his arm off. “Noah, let me go,” I warned.

His grasp tightened on my arm. “You’re the one that wanted to talk about it in the first place,” he accused.

I lost it. I turned towards him in the middle of the terrace, filled with people.

“You can’t just throw your money at every problem, Noah. I worked for this fucking scholarship. I earned it. Do you have any idea how disrespectful it is for you to just tell me you can pay for it if I lose it? Like the last four years of my life didn’t fucking matter?” I snapped at him loudly.

People started turning to look at us. Noah’s jaw was set, his eyes wide. Still, no apology.

“I’m wrecking my brain trying to keep you happy and help you with what you’re going through, and you couldn’t fucking care less about me, could you? Everything is about you, what you want, what you need, where you want to go, and when, one day, for one night, I ask for something for me, this is your response? Flirting with some guy and disregarding what’s important to me. How can you be so selfish?”

I kept going. I knew I was taking out the frustrations of the day on him, but it was just so fucking unfair. “I asked you for a minute. I’m going to take a walk to calm down. Can you at least give me that?” I asked angrily.

Noah gave me a brisk nod, and I turned, walking away from him.

I made my way out of the house and sat on the front steps, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. It was almost like he turned into another person when he was upset. How could he go from singing me love songs to being this selfish? I couldn’t understand it.

Someone sat next to me, and I sighed, knowing it was Colin by the familiar way he settled beside me.

“Are you okay, Att?” Colin’s gentle voice brought me down somewhat.

I shook my head, feeling the sting of tears I refused to shed. “I can’t believe he would pull something like that.”

“What happened?”

“He wanted me to go to Seattle with him next weekend, and I said no. Trying to make me jealous was his very mature response to being denied something,” I explained, the bitterness seeping into my tone.

“Att—”

“You’re right. I need the space. I’ll move in with you. We can work something out about rent, right?”

Colin placed his hand on my shoulder. “Of course. I’m really glad to hear that.”

I took another deep breath. “I just don’t get why he turns on me like this.” I lowered my face into my hands. “Every time something upsets him, he takes it out on me. Where does he go? It’s like he’s not there.”

“I’m sorry, Att. ”

“Don’t you mean to say, ‘I told you so’?”

“No, I don’t. I’m sorry you’re going through this. What’s going on with school?”

I told him about the meeting and falling behind in classes. It was hard managing everything: classes, training, games, and Noah. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Colin reminded me I wasn’t responsible for Noah. Being in a relationship shouldn’t feel like a responsibility. I tried to explain that it wasn’t like that. I was happy with him. It was just this whole situation making everything more complicated.

By the time I had calmed down, I felt terrible for snapping at him. Not because I wasn’t right, but because it didn’t matter. Noah needed something different from me right now—he needed much more compassion, and I had lost it.

I tried looking for him, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I called him repeatedly and even saw the guy he had been flirting with, but he was thankfully absent. I went outside towards the garden, calling him again.

“Hey.” Noah walked towards me, his hands in his pockets.

I sighed, hung up and met him halfway. “Hey, I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” I told him.

His eyes softened. “You have?” he asked, surprised. He wore that kicked puppy look, a guilty one.

“Yeah. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I should have told you about my advisor when I got to the house,” I said.

“No, Atty. Don’t apologize for that. This was all my fault. You were right. I was trying to punish you for not coming with me, and it’s incredibly unfair. You did nothing wrong,” he said quietly.

I reached for the side of his face, and he moved away from me. I cocked my head, confused.

“I’m sorry,” he added.

“Thanks for apologizing, and I know it wasn’t just a trip, Noah. I know why it’s important to you. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you, but I’ll be here waiting when you come back.”

His eyes drew away from mine. “When is enough enough, Atty? Aren’t you tired of forgiving me?” he asked, his voice small.

“Everybody makes mistakes. As long as you know you messed up, it’s okay. Plus, what’s the alternative? Breaking up? I love you, Noah. I don’t want to be without you.”

Noah clicked his tongue and closed his eyes. “Damn it,” he said under his breath.

I tried reaching for him again, and this time he leaned into the touch and covered my hand with his.

“Do you want me to stay mad at you?” I asked, confused.

“Yes. I think it’d be easier if you were still mad at me.”

“What would be easier?”

Noah didn’t answer. He grabbed my shirt collar and kissed me. It was one of those kisses where I knew he was aiming to make me forget about everything but him. It worked like a charm.

We went home after that and ended up in bed, feeling each other.

When we were done, I lay in bed, watching Noah standing by the sink. He sneezed a couple of times and sniffled.

“Allergies?”

He shrugged and grabbed his toothbrush. “Or I’m coming down with a cold. It’ll pass.”

He brushed his teeth, and I heard him sniffling again.

The fights didn’t stop. Every day, it was something new. Stupid things that became huge in a matter of seconds. Noah had to go to Seattle on Friday, and every day that week, we fought, made up, had sex, and started over again. He was still having trouble sleeping, but he had stopped drinking so many Red Bulls. The singing and dancing stopped. I tried to focus on schoolwork and ignore the nagging feeling I had in my chest. Something was off with him, and instead of leaning on me, he was a million miles away. The only time I felt him close was during sex, and I knew it wasn’t just Noah craving that closeness; I needed it too. I missed him singing in the mornings and his easy smiles. Whatever was weighing on him, he wasn’t able to deal with it, even if he refused to talk about it.

I hoped that, when he came back, things would return to normal and I could stop having this feeling in my chest, like a hole growing, leaving me aching and empty.