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Collins face lit up almost enough to make him handsome (not handsome per se, but less unhandsome), and his smile could not be hidden. “You have heard of Mr Darcy? I had no idea his fame spread this far, but of course, a man of his consequence must be known everywhere in the kingdom.”

Elizabeth snapped angrily, “Answer the question!”

Collins shook his head. “I imply nothing! I state it as undeniable fact, straight from Lady Catherine’s mouth. Their marriage is as certain as the tides.”

Jane surprised everyone by saying gently, “You might wish to stop conflating Lady Catherine’s opinions with fact, Mr Collins. They might be vastly different things. My mother has asserted my marriage was imminent to at least four men since I came out; yet, here I am—still single.”

That one stunned everyone at the table, even the two youngest. Mrs Bennet seemed prepared to say something egregious, but even she was having trouble working out how to react to Jane showing a bit of fire.

As far as the matron was concerned, such an occurrence was unnatural, and not to be encouraged or repeated.

Mary taking up the axe suddenly a few days earlier had been far more change than she cared for.

It never occurred to anyone to inform Mr Collins that he was presently sitting in the very chair the Mr Darcy had occupied the previous day.

Elizabeth was grinding her teeth in frustration, though neither Jane nor Mary could work out exactly which kind, and none of the other occupants even noticed.

Mary decided to enter the breach once again.

“Mr Collins, you asserted that Lady Catherine likes to have the distinction of rank preserved. I cannot say whether that is truth, but Reverend Fordyce agrees, saying: ‘You should never forget the importance of respecting those who are above you in social rank or station.’ This means showing deference and obedience to those in positions of authority and avoiding any behaviour that might be seen as presumptuous or disrespectful.”

She stared at him to be certain she had his attention. “Do you agree?”

“Wholeheartedly!” he said with grave conviction.

“Then perhaps… just perhaps… you should reconsider the wisdom of spreading unfounded rumours about a man who is as far above you in station as Lady Catherine is, and even farther in consequence. I doubt the gentleman would enjoy learning you were gossiping about him.”

Elizabeth looked to Mary, wondering when she had time to hone her claws so very sharp.

Mr Collins looked at Mary condescendingly, as a patient tutor might look at a not particularly bright child.

“My dear Miss Mary, I have the highest opinion in the world in your excellent judgement in all matters within the scope of your understanding; but permit me to say, that there must be a wide difference between the established forms of ceremony amongst the laity, and those which regulate the clergy; for, give me leave to observe that I consider the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom—provided that a proper humility of behaviour is at the same time maintained. You must therefore allow me to follow the dictates of my conscience on this occasion, which leads me to perform what I look on as a point of duty.”

Mary stared at him, thoroughly unable to answer such a load of balderdash. She did not even know where to begin with such a stupid and contradictory statement, let alone the assertion that gossip and duty were synonymous.

Elizabeth did. “Are you asserting, sir, that since you are a clergyman, you are empowered to gossip like a fishwife about your social superiors?”

“Mr Darcy and I are both gentlemen,” he said, which made Elizabeth just shake her head in wonder.

“Perhaps, but what sets social position is how long your family have been of the gentry, and how much fortune and consequence they yield,” Mary said, trying her best to both pound some sense into the man and keep Elizabeth from scratching his eyes out.

“By your own reckoning, you are only marginally a gentleman because you made it through Cambridge and got a living from Lady Catherine. You are a gentleman of minor fortune and a few months’ standing.

Mr Darcy is a very wealthy gentleman, and according to Lady Catherine, from respectable, honourable, and ancient—though untitled—families. ”

Collins finally saw the potential problem if word should get back to Mr Darcy, and almost reconsidered. “I understand your reasoning, but you can rest assured that, in the unlikely chance you ever meet Mr Darcy, he will approve of my words.”

“ Enough !”

The bellow was enough to bring the servants running to check on the family, but when they peeked into the room and saw Miss Elizabeth standing with her chair knocked over, leaning across the table on her fisted knuckles staring at Mr Collins, they decided discretion was the better part of valour, and receded immediately.

Elizabeth leaned over even more threateningly.

“Mr Collins… my sisters have been trying to steer you toward gentlemanlike behaviour this quarter-hour with nothing to show for it, so pray allow me to be more explicit. Mr Darcy will be at this very table on Wednesday, and I very much doubt he will be happy to learn you have been gossiping about him.”

Collins looked so confused she almost felt sorry for him. “I do not understand your anger, Miss Elizabeth. Mrs Bennet asked a simple question about people known to me, and I answered it.”

“You answered with wild speculation from the fevered imagination of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.”

“She does not imagine things. If she says they are engaged, they are! I am sorry you disagree with a simple statement of fact, but I hardly think shooting the messenger is called for. I can assure you in the strongest possible terms that Lady Catherine knows far more about Mr Darcy than you possibly can after what must be a rather trifling acquaintance.”

Jane felt a sense of déjà vu from when Elizabeth was about ready to decapitate the Netherfield gentlemen. “Liiiiizzzzy,” she said in a tone designed to hopefully calm her.

Elizabeth looked at her, and then around the table to find everyone staring. She imagined they were surprised by them first chastising Mr Collins for gossiping like a fishwife, followed by Elizabeth bellowing like one.

She finally stared at Collins until he started to squirm.

“Listen very carefully, Mr Collins—and I strongly suggest you start working out how you will attempt to repair your reputation. Mr Darcy is not engaged to Miss de Bourgh… nor will he ever be… because he is courting me! ”

Then with an exasperated huff, she turned and stomped from the room without a by your leave, frustrated beyond measure by every male in the room, since her father was chuckling at the debacle.

~~~~~

It took an hour for Mary and Jane to reach Lizzy’s room, which was for the best. They found her sitting on a window seat.

“I suppose the cat is loose among the pigeons, Lizzy. It took all our effort to keep Mama from storming the door,” Jane said with a smile.

Elizabeth laughed. “I wanted a few more days of quiet, peaceful, uncomplicated courtship—but that seems unlikely now. How was Mama assuaged?”

Mary and Jane looked at each other in anticipation, and Mary said, “Believe it or not, Papa took her into the bookroom and read her the riot act. He explained that Mr Darcy is courting you, but he is skittish as a new-born colt. He said the gentleman would bolt at the first whiff of matrimonial machinations—asserting the man has been evading Lady Catherine and every other matchmaker in London for a decade, so she should just let him get on with his courtship without interference.”

Elizabeth gaped. “Our father said that?”

“He did.”

“I am all astonishment!”

“As were we,” Jane admitted. “He even directly quoted something Mr Darcy said while he was asking permission to call: ‘Undoubtedly, there is a meanness in all the arts which ladies sometimes condescend to employ for captivation. Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable.’”

Jane giggled. “You can imagine how Mama took that bit of verbiage.”

Elizabeth laughed heartily. “That sounds like something he might say… though I have yet to sketch his character well enough to know whether he would be serious or half-jesting. He does have a sense of humour.”

Mary chuckled. “That he does. Of course, I doubt Papa planned on us listening at the door, but if he does not understand Longbourn by now, he never will.”

“He knew you were there. It was the fastest way to spread it to the whole house.”

They laughed a bit, and Jane asked, “Why were you so angry, Lizzy. I have not seen you ready to commit murder since Netherfield.”

“I can assure you that things with Mr Collins will not work out as they did with the Netherfield lunkheads.”

All three laughed uproariously.

Jane was like a dog with a bone. “Did Mr Collins’ assertions make you question Mr Darcy’s sincerity?

As you said, you could not stand him Sunday morning, and you do not know him all that well.

He would not be the first charming rogue who wanted one last fling before being leg shackled, and you have spent a grand total of three hours speaking with him. ”

“That is all I have been thinking about since I returned. The reaction was instinctive, visceral, and quite surprising to me. I had to think for a bit to sort it out.”

“What is your conclusion?” Mary asked.

Elizabeth gave a grim smile. “I was livid, because Mr Collins was casting aspersions on my Mr Darcy.”

“Have you decided then?” Jane asked with a concerned expression, apparently worried about the pace of change.

“Of course not, but I will not be diverted by the likes of Mr Collins. I now know more about Mr Darcy’s family, and once he explains his mercenary aunt, I will understand more. One day, I will know it all.”

“I am not certain you will ever know it all,” Mary observed.

“I will know enough!”