Page 9

I spot Oren sitting at a small table outside of the café, his bleached curls and high fade like a beacon that I’m drawn to. Damn him for still being so attractive, even as the last person I want to be sitting across the table with. Something about the way his shoulders are set gives him a restrained, contemplative look. His expression is serious as I eye the tattoos that spread up his neck. His shoulders are slumped over, making his large frame look so much smaller. He looks… awful. Tired. Strung out. Like he hasn’t slept in days. There are dark circles under his eyes, his skin lacks its usual color, and he has a jittery lack of confidence I’ve definitely never seen.

I take a deep breath, steadying myself, and walk up to the table, trying to keep my face neutral, calm, even though my insides are on fire and not in a good way. His eyes meet mine, and the normally bright green color of his eyes are red and lackluster. I sit down across from him; the table is covered in drinks—coffee, tea, juice, even a smoothie. It looks like he’s ordered every drink on the menu.

“Why are there so many drinks?” I ask casually, but it comes out shakier than intended.

He runs a hand over his face, sighing heavily. “I didn’t know what you wanted,” he says simply. There’s a rawness in his voice that catches me off guard. I can see how frayed, how close he is to the edge.

I glance at the assortment, the double edge of his statement causing a strange pang in my chest. “Oren…” I start, but I don’t know how to finish. I don’t even know how to begin any of this.

“Rachel,” he says, his voice steady but strained, wasting no time. “Is the baby mine?”

My chest starts to tighten, my breathing non-existent. I knew it was coming. I never gave him a straight answer, but it still hits me like a ton of bricks. I sigh, my shoulders slumping slightly, the weight of not wanting to face this pressing down on me.

“Yes, Oren,” I say, my voice no more than a whisper. “She’s yours.”

His face contorts, a mix of hurt, anger, and confusion flashing across his features. He just stares straight ahead, like he’s trying to process the words. Attempting to reconcile this new reality. I brace myself for whatever comes next, the worst-case scenarios playing out in my mind. But instead of anger, it’s relief. I can see it clear as day in his eyes, winning out over all the other emotions. His shoulders move just slightly, like he’s expelling the breath he has been holding on to since last night. For a brief moment, a strange warmth spreads through my chest. He looks almost grateful. Sure, I see the anger there, and the confusion, but the relief outweighs it. Like my confirmation was the exact piece of news he didn’t realize would make him feel better. I cling to that, because that small glimmer will help me get through the pain, help me face whatever comes next.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he demands, his voice sharper than I expect, and I flinch at the sudden intensity of it. The relief in his eyes doesn’t soothe the sting of his words. I know this is just the beginning. He needs answers, no, he deserves answers. And even though my heart aches with fear and uncertainty, I have to tell the truth. I look down at the table, my fingers gripping the edge of the coffee I selected from the mass of cups.

“We had a one-night stand, never to become anything.”

He looks frustrated, his jaw tightening as he leans forward, his hands gripping the table, but I don’t let him speak. “We didn’t know each other–we still don’t know each other, but the one thing that you made very clear was that you were never settling down, Oren. So would telling you really have mattered?”

I see him flinch at my words, anger in his eyes. “Maybe it would have,” he says, his voice low and intense. “You should have told me. I might not deserve much but I should have had the right to make that choice for myself. I deserved the chance to be there from the start.”

“I know you didn’t want that!” I feel a pang of guilt, but I can’t back down now. “You make it very clear, no strings, no commitments is your way. There isn’t a person in the hockey world that doesn’t know that. I was not about to force this on you. I didn’t want to be the person to destroy your whole world overnight.”

He takes a breath, and I can see him trying to calm himself, trying to rein in his frustration. “I get that my reputation precedes me and I understand not knowing what to do and being scared. But it wasn’t your choice to make, okay?”

“I did what I felt was best at the moment,” I whisper.

“Eventually I will get over it,” he says.

I wince at his words, and the disappointment in them that he tries to hide cuts me to the bone.

“I’m not going backward after this. I want to be involved. I want to be there for her… for both of you.” Oren’s eyes bore deep into me.

I look away from the scrutiny of Oren’s eyes, the conflict swirling inside me. Is this what I want? Yes, but with Oren comes more complications. “I don’t know, Oren. What if you find out in six months that fatherhood isn’t for you? I can’t do that to my daughter.”

He pins me with an incredibly hurtful glare. “Do you really think so little of me?”

“No, it's not that. I swear.” I say quietly, feeling the anxiety tighten in my chest. “It’s just a really big change for you that you weren’t expecting.”

I see the anger still burning in his eyes, but he pushes it down, nodding slowly. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be a part of her life, Rachel. Let me figure out the rest.”

My defenses start crumbling, my heart aching along with his pain. “Okay… fine,” I say softly. “But nobody knows that you are her father and we are keeping it that way. For now. Once we figure out how this works, what it looks like, we can drag everyone else into the mess.”

“I don’t like it, but I’ll respect your wishes for now,” he nods as an unreadable look settles in his eyes. “But, Rachel, from here on out, I will always be there for my child. Don’t ever think otherwise, do you understand me?”

I nod slowly, uncertainty still deeply rooted, but a flicker of happiness sparks and starts to build. This is so far from the reaction I expected from him. Or maybe I had judged him too quickly, too harshly. He’s right—I never gave him a chance. I decide to take this moment as an olive branch, an opportunity to move forward in a positive direction. One that isn’t built on my secrets. Oren’s eyes that have yet to stop examining me, suddenly go wide. His expression shifts to fear.

“Wait… where is she?” he asks, his voice rising uncharacteristically high. His eyes dart around, scanning the space like Lily might appear out of thin air. It’s almost like the reality of her existence just hit him, and he suddenly needs to know where she is, needs to see her, make sure she’s okay. And to be fair, I can’t really blame him because she did just become a reality to him.

Despite myself, I start to laugh, quickly swallowing it down so he doesn’t think I’m laughing at him. The nerves start to build because I know he’s going to want to see her now. After our conversation took a sharp right turn into ‘present father’, I knew the moment was coming. I just wish I had more time to prepare myself.

“She’s upstairs,” I keep my voice steady. “With the ACN assigned babysitter. I… I came straight from the rink and thought it would be easier to talk without her here.”

Oren nods, but he still looks anxious, his eyes burning, like he's fighting some silent battle with himself—or maybe with me—in his head. The tension radiates off of him. The way his hands twitch slightly at his sides, it’s like he's holding himself back from something.

“Can I… can I meet her?” he asks, almost hesitant, like he’s afraid of what I might say. There’s a new intensity in his gaze.

I take a few deep breaths. I can’t put this off. “Yeah,” I finally say, my voice soft but firm. “Do you want to come upstairs and officially meet your daughter?”

“Yes,” he says, almost too quickly. He swallows hard, a fleeting moment of fear passes through his eyes before they start to shine with anticipation. “I need to meet her, Rachel. I need to see her.”

“Okay,” I nod, feeling a mix of dread and relief. I whisper, “Let’s go.”

As we start to head toward the elevator, his brow furrows with a question he hasn’t yet asked.

“What if she doesn’t like me?” he asks, breaking the silence, almost like he’s afraid to hear it, afraid of the answer and what it means. “What’s her name?”

I pause for a moment, my throat tightening as I look at him. His vulnerability makes my chest ache. “She will love you,” I say quietly. “And her name is Lily.”

He nods, repeating it under his breath as if testing how it feels, how it sounds. Getting used to it. “Lily…” he murmurs, a soft gentleness settling into his eyes now. He takes a deep breath, and I see the faintest hint of a smile. “That’s a beautiful name,” he whispers. It’s just a word, just a name, but hearing him say it, hearing him call her by the name I chose, makes everything feel a little more real, a little less terrifying.

“Yeah,” I whisper back, my voice barely audible. “It’s perfect for her.”

I pause outside my hotel door, taking a deep breath. “She’s probably asleep,” I whisper, trying to keep my voice calm, not letting him see my hands trembling.

Oren nods, his eyes locked on the door like it’s the gateway to everything that matters. “I’ll be quiet,” he promises.

I give him a tight smile and push the door open slowly. The assistant looks up from her phone, giving me a small smile before noticing Oren beside me, her eyes going comically wide.

“Thank you for watching her today,” I say to her. My voice is strained, the sooner I get her out of here, the less likely that this becomes a thing. “You can go now. I’m done for the day.”

She nods, gathering her things and slipping out the door, “Got it.”

I close the door softly behind her, feeling like I am trapping myself in a moment that will alter my brain chemistry. Oren takes a step forward, his eyes fixated on the crib. I watch him closely, my heart in my throat, as he moves so close but just out of reach. Like he is afraid to do the wrong thing.

“Can I get closer to…?” he starts, his voice breaking slightly.

I nod. “Yes, you won’t wake Lily up,” I say softly, my voice barely more than a whisper.

He stands over the crib, looking down at her. She’s sleeping peacefully, fists curled up next to her face, her dark hair sticking up like a wild mane of curls. I watch as he swallows hard, his eyes watering slightly. “She’s… she’s beautiful,” he whispers, almost to himself.

I want to start crying my eyes out but I swallow it down, my heart squeezing tight. “She looks like you,” I say, my voice catching. “She has your eyes.”

He glances at me, his expression filled with something deep, raw. “Yeah?” he murmurs. “But the rest of her is all you.”

I nod, unable to fight the tears anymore as they sting the corners of my eyes. “Yeah….”

He reaches out, his hand hovering over her, almost like he’s afraid to touch her. That by doing so will break the fragility of the moment. “Can I… can I hold her?” he asks, full of hope.

I hesitate, a rush of protectiveness rising up in me, but I know he needs to hold her. “Yes,” I say quietly. “Just… be careful. She is still small and doesn’t love being woken up.”

“Yeah, me either,” he laughs, swallowing hard, before carefully reaching into the crib, gingerly lifting Lily up into his arms. I watch as his whole demeanor softens. He cradles her against his chest, his eyes wide, his breath coming in shallow, shaky breaths.

“Hey, Lily,” he whispers, his voice full of awe. “I’m your dad.”

The moment he says the word, Dad, I see the transformation, a shift in him. The fear, the confusion, the anger and hurt—it all fades away, replaced by something new, something fragile and fierce. I feel my heart break and mend all at once, and I know, without a doubt, that whatever happens next, Oren will be around for the rest of Lily’s life.

Two hours later, and I can’t take my eyes off them. Oren is cradling Lily in his arms, his face full of profound awe and wonder. He’s been playing with her, talking to her softly, probably in an attempt to make up for every single moment he’s missed. Lily giggles at everything that he does, her hands reaching for him, and every time, I see his heart melt. A small smile mending the damage my secrets caused. It will be a while before the hurt that’s still etched into his features disappears completely.

Not that I've ever had the reason to, but I’ve never seen Oren like this. Gentle, careful, his eyes locked on Lily as if she’s the most precious thing he’s ever held. It fills me with every emotion under the sun. For the first time, I can picture it—Oren being a father, being her father.

Oren looks up, his eyes still wide and a little dazed. “I can’t believe you kept this from me,” he says softly, stunned, his voice tinged with hurt.

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Oren,” I say, my defensiveness rising instinctively, the tiredness in my bones taking over. “Everything happened so fast and I was scared.”

He nods, his gaze flicking back to Lily, his fingers tracing gentle patterns on her tiny belly. “So, what was the plan, Rachel?” he asks, his tone firmer, but still quiet. “Were you just going to keep me in the dark forever?”

“Probably…” I swallow hard, feeling the guilt twist deep into my gut. I know he has every right to be angry, to feel betrayed. I can see the pain in his eyes. But I also feel defensive—protective of the life I’ve built with Lily, of the little bubble of safety I’ve tried to create for her.

I follow up my painful truth with everything I’ve tried to tell myself over these past months. “I… I truly believed that you didn’t want this. And I didn’t want to force this. Us, or Lily, on you.”

He looks at me, his eyes narrowing slightly. “I can’t believe you think so little of me?” he asks, his voice low but sharp. “I can’t promise that I would have reacted perfectly or that I wouldn’t have put my foot in my mouth or something, but I would have been in Lily’s life from the beginning.”

I look away, biting my lip, feeling the tears spill over. “I don’t know. I was afraid to find out,” I admit quietly. “I just… thought it would be easier to handle everything on my own. That’s what I’m used to.”

He nods slowly, still holding Lily tightly. “I get that, Rachel,” he says, his voice softer now, less accusatory. “But that changes now.”

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to find the right words, trying to figure out how to navigate this impossible situation. “We live two very different lives,” I say, my voice quiet but firm. “You can be a part of Lily’s life but you can’t come and go when you please. If you are involved, you are involved, not just when it's convenient for your schedule. Or when you can’t find a date, or something.”

“What the fuck” he hisses, his expression like stone, but does nothing to sway his determination. “I’m not going to fucking disappear, Rachel. I want to be her father. I am her father. If I can find a way to forgive you for keeping this from me, and one day I will, you will have to find a way to let me in, to make this work for our daughter.”

I sigh, rubbing my temples. “Okay,” I whisper, feeling the whirlwind of chaos settling in. “We’ll figure it out. But I need you to understand, Oren… I’m scared.”

He nods, his eyes filled with understanding and a flicker of his own fear. “I’m scared, too,” he admits softly. “But we can do this together.”