Page 16

I wake up to the sound of Rachel moving around the apartment. It's early as shit, the kind of early that I don’t want to be a part of. But relaxing on my ass isn’t why I’m here. My tall body takes up the full length of her couch and beyond. As was promised last night, it's not exactly comfortable. The options are sleeping folded in half or with half of my legs hanging off the edge. Worth it, the price paid willingly if it means I’m close by while I’m here.

I force myself upright, fighting the urge to lie back down. I rub my eyes in a desperate attempt to wake myself up, and glance over at the kitchen where Rachel’s already making breakfast. Her hair is in thick waves perfectly styled in a low ponytail, and she's already dressed for the day. I don’t know how she does it. I’ve been here for two days and the hours she keeps are already killing me. Somehow, she makes it all look so easy, fully composed at all times. I have a long way to go.

Watching her is only a reminder that my time here is temporary. She doesn’t need me here. She’s made that clear. Even so, with that aside, Rachel doesn’t have the luxury of being able to rely on me 24/7 because I don’t live here. In six days, I’ll be back with the team and back to a part of my life that doesn’t contain Lily or Rachel. One where I’m not a father, and my main focus can’t be how to be the best person I can be for Lily. Until I can come clean to my guys, my family, hell, the whole world, that I have a daughter, we will be stuck in this forever limbo. None of it is fair.

I shuffle toward the kitchen, trying to be useful however I can. "Need my help with anything?" I ask, hoping she can’t tell how nervous I am. I’ve never so much as spent a second night with the same woman before Rachel, let alone ever lived with one. All of this is new to me. That is just the baseline of my uncomfortability because, on top of that, we have to add learning how to be a father. Right now, everything I do feels like I’m stumbling around in the dark, trying to figure it all out.

Rachel glances my way, a small smile on her lips. “Sure,” she says, passing me an empty bottle, “You can feed Lily.”

I nod, taking the bottle from her. Sure, feed Lily, that’s easy, but it's still not enough. Everything I do to help Rachel is inadequate compared to everything she does on her own, balancing Lily’s every need with her life.

After Rachel is at work, I have no idea what to do with myself. I’m used to a strict schedule, full of games, practices and travel. There is a very clear delineation between when I am working and when I'm not. Free time I do have is spent either partying or getting laid. Neither option is overly helpful right now and the furthest thing from becoming the father that Lily deserves. The problem is that trying to figure out how to be a parent is like reading the opposing team’s playbook. It's another language, one I don’t understand. I watch Heidi as she goes through the motions, and the realization hits me. I have a secret weapon at my disposal, if she is willing to help.

“Heidi,” I say, stepping closer, “I need your help.”

She raises an eyebrow, making her judgment of me known. “With what?”

I appreciate the protectiveness that Heidi possesses. It’s exactly what I want for my daughter. And Hiedi has no reason to trust me yet, but I’m about to change that. This shit will be embarrassing, but my momma didn’t raise a quitter. I take a deep breath, trying to fight against the natural instinct to feel ridiculous, and push through.

“I need a crash course on parenting. Like…an intensive, Olympic-level training. I’ve got until Rachel gets back from work to have it all perfectly,” I say, giving her a sheepish shrug.

Heidi softens her scowl at me a bit. “Alright, Oren,” she says, “if you’re serious about this, I can run you ragged, get you up to fighting shape, pun intended.”

My eyes snap up to meet hers, and there’s a glint in her eyes. She openly laughs at my gaping wide mouth. “Rachel told me about your suspension. Do you think doing this will help make you feel better?”

I give her a hearty nod and we get to work. Heidi sets up a series of drills, my very own baby boot camp. One she immediately starts calling, ‘Idiot Proof Parenting: 101’. I tilt my head away so she doesn’t see the smile it brings to my face. The first obstacle is repping diaper changes—timed, of course—until I can get it done in under a minute. Then we transition to how to properly burp Lily after each bottle. Each feeding, I practice the transition from feeding to burping.

She watches me like a hawk, correcting my form, making sure I get every detail down. Sweat starts to form on my forehead as I go through the paces—checking the temperature of the formula, reading Lily’s cues to tell if she’s tired or hungry. Each burping drill has me pacing around the room, patting her gently, but firmly over my shoulder until it's perfect. Only two shirts were ruined in a burping gone wrong.

Heidi doesn’t go easy on me either, chirping me like a seasoned player. She pushes me harder than most coaches. If she wanted a side business, I'm pretty sure she would make a killing as a hockey coach. I never would have imagined there is so much to know about bathing a tiny human. And then there’s the less glamorous stuff, like how to suck the snot out of her nose with a weird little tube. This is easily the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to learn, something I wish I didn’t have to know, but apparently, it is a non-negotiable. Heidi’s firm with me, exactly how I asked her to be, not letting me give up or take a break when I get frustrated or start to freak out.

I’m exhausted, but confident of my skills by the time Rachel gets home. As soon as she walks in the door from work, Lily and I are waiting for her. First, we hit her with a greeting.

“Lily couldn’t wait to say hi!” I say with a smile. “She missed you.”

Rachel takes Lily out of my arms. “Hi, little goose. I missed you today.” She says, holding her tight and kissing the top of her head.

“Ok, now go chill, do whatever you want,” I say with a determined look, scooping Lily back into my arms. “I’ve got it from here.”

She stays stock still for a second, confusion coloring her face. Like she’s trying to figure out what I’m up to, if I'm up to something, and after an internal debate, she nods. “Okay,” she says uncertainly. “If you’re sure.”

“Positive,” I reply, and I mean it. I’m ready for this.

I’m a man on a mission for the next few hours. I juggle feeding Lily, following all the steps drilled into me earlier, and cooking dinner—nothing fancy, just spaghetti, but it’s something. I set the table for Rachel and me, all while making sure Lily’s safe. After quickly cleaning the kitchen, I give her a bath. Bath time is more like a circus where I make an absolute fool of myself attempting to keep her from fussing. I wouldn’t trade any of it. Next up, we settle in for bedtime stories. It takes a few, but eventually, her eyelids start to get heavy. Using Heidi’s words as my guide, I carry her to her crib, tucking her in gently. Then I step back and wait to see if the landing sticks. Once Lily’s breathing becomes rhythmic, I let out a long breath.

I walk back out to the living room, where Rachel sits on the couch, looking significantly more relaxed than I’ve seen her since that night after the bar. Her critical eyes follow me, giving me a once over, before softening. “Tonight was…impressive,” she says, with a note of surprise in her voice.

A rush of embarrassment heats my face. My first instinct is to play it cool, but it feels like I'm putting on a front, and I don’t want to do that with Rachel, at least never again. “I’ve been practicing,” I admit, scratching the back of my neck. “Really hard.”

She smiles, a real, megawatt smile, lighting up her whole face. “You don’t have to be perfect, Oren,” she says encouragingly. “Just…present when you are here.”

I nod, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. “I can do that,” I say softly. “I promise, I can do that.”

Rachel stands up fairly quickly, like the close proximity is too much. “I’m going to bed,” she says, yawning as she stretches her arms above her. “Long day tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Rachel,” I nod, watching her as she moves toward her room.

“Night,” she replies softly, before disappearing behind the door to her room.

The next morning I wake up extra early, before Rachel’s alarm usually goes off. While the couch hasn’t gotten any bigger or more comfortable, I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I stretch, working out the kinks in my bones. Today, I’m going to continue to prove to Rachel I’m serious about being here, about being a part of Lily’s life.

I move quietly into the kitchen, not wanting to wake anyone just yet. I rummage through the fridge, pulling out eggs and bread. Breakfast food has never been anything I'm good at, so I keep it simple. The hope is that anything she doesn’t have to make for herself is best. It feels good, being here, doing this. Right on cue, as the toast pops up out of the toaster, Rachel stumbles out of her bedroom. This morning she isn’t done up and ready for the day. She is still attempting to wake up. A sinful sleeping outfit clings to her body, which doesn’t help my concentration as I plate the spongy looking scrambled eggs. Her eyes cut across the room, like she is testing if I'm a mirage. I place the toast on each of the plates and set them on the table, while the coffee finishes brewing.

“Morning,” I say, trying to sound casual, like doing this isn’t completely out of the ordinary for me. That watching her sit down at her dining room table isn’t actively tenting my sweats.

Her dark brown eyes widen in surprise as she takes in the whole sight. She certainly can’t convince herself that she is seeing things or still dreaming now. “Morning,” she replies slowly, a hint of suspicion in her voice. “What’s all this?”

“Breakfast,” I say with a smirk, putting a cup of coffee down beside her plate. “Figured I’d try to make your morning a little easier.”

She sits down gingerly, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Thanks,” she murmurs, taking a bite. “This is…nice.”

I’ll take nice! It's a small surge of victory. And a win is a win, plus I'm a cocky bastard so pushing my luck is what I do best. “Hey,” I start, trying to sound super chill, “I was thinking…maybe Lily and I could go to the park today? You know, get out, see the outside world a bit?”

Rachel pauses, her fork hovering mid-air. I watch the pistons misfiring in her head, the smoke starting to fill up her skull as she tries to figure out if I’m a flight risk. The silence stretches on to the point where I'm convinced she’s going to say no. “Okay,” she says, “but take Heidi with you. Just in case.”

I nod, swallowing the relief that floods through me. “Absolutely. Whatever you want.”

Rachel finishes her morning routine, kisses Lily goodbye and takes off for work. I get Lily ready for our adventure, dressing her in what I consider a very coordinated outfit, with an extra jacket—just in case. Her bright and curious eyes watch me the entire time.

“Alright, kid,” I say, lifting her into my arms. “Let’s get going.”

With our chaperone in tow, we start our walk to Piedmont Park. It’s bright and sunny, and perfect. The extra jacket I packed was probably overkill. As we start making our rounds on the path, Lily points at joggers as they fly past and squeals in glee at each dog we pass. Her laughter spills out of her stroller, and each sound makes my heart feel lighter. After a few laps around the track and some time spent on the swing, we make a detour on the way back to the house.

Heidi’s probably going to kill me before I leave Atlanta for all the extra walking, but it’s worth it. I pop inside a little flower shop for a quick purchase, pulling Lily from her stroller, taking her inside with me. We leave Heidi outside with the stroller, since we won't be long. I have no idea what Rachel’s favorite flower is. Should I know that? Probably. So I go with what makes me think of her. A bouquet of bright sunflowers calls to me. Simple but colorful, just like her.

“What do you think, Lily?” I ask, holding the flowers up to her. “Think your mom will like them?”

She giggles, reaching out to grab a petal. I take that as a yes. “Alright then,” I say, walking toward the register to buy the flowers.

From the living room floor, I hear the sound of Rachel opening the door. We’re working on tummy time. Lily is less than thrilled with me for this torture. As I cheer her on, encouraging her to push past the discomfort, Rachel makes it deeper into the apartment. She stops short when she sees the flowers on the table, her eyes widening in surprise.

“Are these…for me?” she asks cautiously.

“Don’t be shocked,” I grin, with a shrug, “Lily really wanted to get them for you.”

Rachel shakes her head, “I’m sure she did.” There’s a warmth in her voice that makes me feel like I’ve done something right, even if Rachel is keeping her thoughts and feelings close to the vest.

We move through the rest of the evening in this odd, cohesive rhythm, like we’re learning how to move together without stepping on each other’s toes. I feed Lily, watching as Rachel starts dinner. Once Lily is full and content, I start chopping vegetables while Rachel stirs the sauce in the pot, and it feels oddly comfortable.