Page 26

I wake up to the pastel colors of the morning light filtering through the blinds. Rachel’s living room is impossibly quiet. Only the faint sounds of Lily starting to wake up can be heard from the next room. That must have been what woke me up. I glance at the clock—once again, it’s way too damn early, but I also have my flight to New Orleans. There’s no way I’m going to fall back asleep now; my mind is already on tomorrow's game. Might as well get up and make myself useful.

I slide out from under the blanket of my makeshift couch bed, careful not to make any noise, and start moving around the apartment. I stock up Lily’s diaper bag, trying to do what I can to make the rest of Rachel's day easier. I take a peek at the baby monitor and find Lily’s big, curious eyes blinking up at me from the screen, very awake. By the time I get into her room, she is sitting up in her crib, her small but mighty fists demanding her release from her crib prison.

"Morning, Lily Goose," I whisper, lifting her up into my arms. After the goose story, calling her Lily Goose felt only natural.

She nuzzles into my chest, and I just stand there, holding her in my arms for a few seconds longer than necessary. Soaking in everything that I can before having to leave. After the moment passes, and Lily threatens me to feed her, as angrily as a seven month old can, we head back into the living room.

Not wanting to let go of the contact, I keep Lily in one arm while I make breakfast. Breakfast is still not my strong suit, so we go with oatmeal. There are clear instructions that can be followed and very little margin for error. I set the table quietly, waiting for signs of life from Rachel's room. So far, it's only the noises Lily and I are making. As the coffee finishes brewing, the smell of a fresh pot fills the entire space. I pour my first cup, taking a moment to savor the morning a little bit more. I’ve adjusted to life in Rachel’s space quickly and easily. Each time I come back here, the routine feels like second nature. And the strangest part? I like it.

Lily’s lost her patience with me, so I put her into her highchair while I put the last touches on breakfast. For Lily and Rachel’s oatmeal, I add a blueberry smiley face, just for an added bonus. This type of routine is the kind of thing I’ve avoided, never thinking I would enjoy it. I’m the lone wolf, obsessed over keeping my freedom, never having any strings, and doing whatever the hell I want. But this is grounding.

I hear Rachel’s door creak open, distracting me from my train of thought. A few seconds later, she shuffles into the kitchen, her hair a wild mess from sleep. I hate how fucking gorgeous she is. It makes behaving myself very difficult. We haven’t talked much about what happened the other night. We both have just stayed in our lanes.

She plops down in her chair, grabs her coffee, and takes a big sip. Her eyes widen as she sets the coffee back on the table. “Oren…” she says, her voice still thick with sleep. “Is there a smile in my oatmeal?”

“It’s happy to see you this morning,” I say with a big grin.

She cackles, “You did not just try to quote Mulan ?” She picks up her spoon and takes a bite. A slow smile spreads across her face, “I could get used to this.”

“Someone’s gotta pick up the slack around here,” I tease, but there's still lingering anger in my tone. The tone is not meant towards Rachel by any means, she’s amazing and does everything with grace, but I should be here with her. Helping, always. Instead, in a few short hours, I’m leaving again for 48 hours. Yet another time I won’t be around to help her. Changing the subject quickly, I say, “I was up early, and Lily was already up, so I figured why not get the morning started.”

Rachel laughs softly, shaking her head. “Funny, Samuels. Thank you, though. I appreciate it. Seriously.”

I shrug, downplaying the sincere affection I get from her words. Getting a first hand glimpse into how she views me fills me with a sense of accomplishment. I don’t reflect on how much what she thinks of me, means to me. “No big deal. I’ve got some time before my flight anyway, figured I’d make myself useful.”

Rachel takes another sip of her coffee, glancing up at me over the rim of her mug. “You’ve been great while you’ve been here, you know that?” she says, her voice a little more thoughtful now. “I wasn’t sure how things were going to go after…well, you know, the other night, but it’s been normal. Better than I thought.”

Her words and being a little flustered catch me off guard, but in the best way. I had no idea where her head was after the kiss. It had been passion driven and spur-of-the-moment, but the feelings that prompted the kiss came from somewhere. I think we both have leftover feelings from the nights we spent together that neither of us are willing to address. And that isn't going to change now. Rachel was clear, nothing will happen here.

It's for the best. Acting on these feelings that I barely understand just delays the inevitability of us never being more. I doubt I’m even capable of being who Rachel deserves, and I don’t want to ruin her attempt to find out. Even though we are both on the same page about the kiss being a one time thing, there was still the lingering concern that things would be awkward. Hearing her say it’s been easier than she expected is a relief.

What she’ll never know is how much I’ve thought about that kiss. Every kiss, every intimate moment with her. How they replay in my head every night or how I’ve spent all my waking moments wanting to taste her again, feel her melt into me, and make her mine one more time.

I grin, keeping my cool even though my heart’s pumping faster than it should. “I can take a hint,” I say, teasing her, but deep down, there's truth to my words. If only I was capable of being more for someone, specifically her. She deserves everything. “I want to be here for Lily….”

Rachel nods, her eyes meeting mine with more intensity than usual before she quickly looks away. There’s a brief pause, and I can feel something hanging there between us but it dissipates quickly. Leaving behind it, easy, natural coexistence.

"I was worried it would be weird," she admits, her voice soft, almost like she’s saying it to herself. "But, it’s not." She looks back up at me with a small smile that makes my chest tighten.

I nod along like I can’t still taste her on my lips, that kissing her again, tasting her, pulling her close again would make me a very happy man. The truth is, every time we’re together, I’m fighting the urge to pull her into my arms again. That fucking kiss… “Yeah, we’re just good at making this work.”

I clear my throat, glancing at the clock. “I should get ready,” I say, reluctantly pulling myself away from the moment. “I’ve got to head out soon.”

Rachel looks up at me, a flicker passes over her expression, one that I can’t quite read. She smiles and nods. “Okay. I’ll clean up after breakfast.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I tell her, already moving toward the sink. “I’ve got it.”

It doesn’t take long to get the kitchen clean and make sure Lily is settled. I grab my bag and give her one last kiss on the top of her head. She giggles, clutching at my shirt before I gently pry her tiny fingers away.

“I’ll be back soon,” I tell her, my voice soft.

Rachel walks me to the door, and just before I leave, she reaches her arm out toward mine but stops herself instead. Letting her arm fall to her side, she says, “Have a safe trip and a great game, Oren.”

I nod, and head out the door. I call for a car to drop me off at Elliot’s house. He’s taking me to the airport for my flight to Louisiana but I haven’t talked to him since the podcast. Which is a little out of the ordinary, even for him.

I step out of the car and barely make it up the driveway before Elliot’s storming out of the front door, his face twisted in fury. There’s no warning, no, Hey man , no nothing. His fist comes flying at me fast, slamming into my face before I can even register what’s happening.

Pain explodes up my jaw, and I stagger back, my hand instinctively flying up to my face.

"What the fuck, Elliot?" I yell, but before I can catch my breath, he hits me again, harder this time. His fist slams into my ribs, and I double over, gritting my teeth to keep from groaning.

I don’t fight back even though I easily could. I can’t, I won’t. I stand there, taking hit after hit, trying to figure out what’s gotten into him. Why he’s so pissed, why he’s coming at me like this. Blood drips from my nose, my lip splits open, but none of it keeps Elliot from swinging, fists landing with an anger I’ve never seen in him before. On the ice or off.

"You fucking coward!" Elliot spits, so angrily. He grabs my shirt, yanking me forward before shoving me back hard. I stumble back a few steps, barely keeping my balance.

"Fight me, you son of a bitch!" he roars, his chest heaving as he stares me down. Eyes wild, his unhinged side truly unleashed and directed solely at me. "You slept with Rachel? You’re Lily’s fucking dad?" He spits the words out like they’re poison.

Fuck. Everything stops. My world shifts as his words register, and suddenly, any pain from his hits fades into nothing. It all makes so much sense. That’s why he’s furious and giving me the beating of a lifetime. I should have known this was coming. Been prepared, at the very least.

“Elliot—” I start, trying to get a word in. Instead, another hit cuts me off, swinging at me with everything he’s got. I refuse to fight back, but I won’t just take it. This time, I block a punch, grabbing his wrist midair.

“You got Rachel pregnant and just left her all alone to deal with it!” He shouts, his voice raw, “I told you to stay away from her! But you didn’t listen. You just fucked her anyway. TWICE!”

“And you didn’t say a fucking word. You just hide from your responsibilities, Oren. Making her do this all on her own. Lily’s your daughter, and you’ve been a fucking coward about it.” His eyes are full of betrayal. What he is saying hits harder than any punch. The shame, the guilt that he thinks I am capable of that, crashes over me. I tighten my grip around his wrist before pushing him back, breaking our connection.

I raise my hands in front of me, “Elliot, I didn’t know! I just found out! I swear to—”

Another punch lands square in my stomach, and I double over. All of the air is expelled from my lungs, and I'm fighting the urge to throw up, but Elliot’s slowing down, his energy shifting. He’s still pissed, still wild, and a little rabid, but I can see the shock of what I’m trying to tell him start to creep into his face.

“I didn’t know,” I gasp, my voice breaking. “I didn’t fucking know, Elliot! I just found out three months ago. She never told me. I missed four months of my daughter’s life.”

“And I’m fucking pissed about it too, okay? I missed it all because I didn’t fucking know.” I fall to my knees in the grass of Elliot’s yard, my emotions crushing me down. The guilt, the anger, the confusion—and most of all, the hurt I’ve been trying to bury for weeks bursts out of me, and tears stream down my cheeks.

Elliot stands there, his knuckles bruised, but he doesn’t hit me again. Instead, he takes a step back, rubbing his face as he tries to process everything I’ve said. His chest rises and falls rapidly in jagged breaths, anger still simmering, but it’s no longer fully boiling. I sit back on my heels, tears swirling with the blood that drips down my face.

"Are you serious?" he hisses, his voice quieter now. “You really didn’t fucking know?”

I shake my head, wiping some of the blood from my mouth. “No. I swear. She never told me. And now I’m just trying to be there for Lily. To let go of the bullshit that happened and be there for both of them.”

"Fuck, man," he mutters, his anger quickly replaced with sadness. “I didn’t…I just thought…” He trails off, shaking his head. “I thought you knew. I just thought you had just abandoned them.”

“I would never,” I rasp, feeling the ache in my chest more than the physical pain. “I’m a lot of things, but not that guy, Elliot. But, I am starting to get real pissed that everyone keeps thinking that I am.”

Elliot stands there for a few more minutes before finally reaching out, extending the metaphorical olive branch, and pulling me to my feet. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, his voice full of regret. “I shouldn’t have…I just…I didn’t know what else to think.”

“Yeah, sure.” I nod, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand.

“I’m serious,” Elliot claps a hand on my shoulder, squeezing tight. “I’m sorry I assumed the worst, buddy. I don’t think you are that type of guy. That’s why I got so pissed off.”

I nod, my throat tightening. "I know." I want to believe him, but part of me is too stuck in the pattern that everyone keeps seeing about me.

“You need someone on your side, man.” He pauses, his voice lowering, studying how I respond. “I’m still fucking pissed at the whole situation, but…I’m still your friend.”

I meet his gaze. I don’t want any of us to be in this situation, so I just nod. “Thanks, man.”

Elliot releases my shoulder and walks away before stopping. He turns back to face me. “Look, man, I mean it when I say I’m here if you need me. But you better understand,” he says, his voice getting serious as hell. “If I ever find out that you hurt Rachel—if you break her heart or mess with her head in any way—I will beat your ass. I won’t back down next time. Got it?”

I swallow hard, nodding again, taking in how fiercely he will protect Rachel and Lily. “I got it, Elliot. I will never hurt her. I swear. I’m gonna be there for the rest of Lily’s life.”

He drops the finger he pointed at my chest during the lecture, down to match his other hand at his side. I can tell he’s still torn between wanting to lay into me more and wanting to understand. “You better,” he mutters.

I know this is far from over. It’s just the beginning. He looks at me for a moment, then jerks his head toward his car. "Get in the car before I change my mind and make you walk to the airport."

I don’t say anything, just nod. The throbbing in my jaw is accompanied by a gnawing sensation in my stomach. Elliot pulls his keys from his pocket and unlocks the doors, the sound of the beeping the only noise cutting through the tense air. The drive to the airport is brutal. Elliot’s hands grip the steering wheel tight, his knuckles turning white as he stares straight ahead. I sit beside him, trying to piece together how everything fell apart so fast.

I glance at Elliot every now and then, expecting him to start another round of questions, maybe even throw another punch, but he just keeps his eyes locked on the road, his jaw clenched tight. I get why he’s protective over Rachel and Lily. Hell, I even appreciate it. She deserves that—someone looking out for her, for them. But I never expected Elliot to come at me so hard. Not like this.

Part of me thought he’d be mad at Rachel for keeping Lily from me, maybe get angry on my behalf. Have my back. But no, that’s not where his anger went. He just assumed the worst about me. Why is it so unbelievable that I can be the type of guy who steps up to be a good father? The idea of him seeing me like that, seeing me the same way that Rachel saw me like they were better off without me in their lives, stings more than anything else. I wonder how the hell I’ll ever come back from this. How am I supposed to prove to Elliot and to everyone that I can be there for Lily and that I can be more than what they think I am?

The tension in the car is suffocating. I clear my throat, trying to break the silence, to say something, anything that might fix this. “Elliot—”

“Don’t,” he snaps, his voice sharp, cutting through the remaining animosity between us. “I don’t want to hear it right now. Not yet.”

I step out of the car, grab my bag, and shut the door behind me. I glance back before heading inside, but Elliot is already gone. He’s zooming out of the drop off lane.