Page 40 of Don’t Break My Heart (Secrets of Ravens Hollow #3)

Ricky’s pills worked a treat and knocked me out cold last night.

But in the light of day, I don’t feel any better than I did yesterday.

My head is scattered and foggy, my anxiety hitting a new level I have never experienced before.

I think even Cruz could see it. He asked me on repeat if I was okay while I was trying to down a piece of toast and coffee this morning.

In the end, it was pissing me off so much I gave up and left early.

My chat with Harley last night is playing in my head on repeat, and I’m not sure why I do it but instead of driving directly to the club this morning, I take a detour past Reef’s house. I stop across the street partly hidden by a tree and turn off my engine. Just like I did yesterday.

It’s not long before he comes into view in the front room.

It looks like a living room, a couple of comfy sofas and an armchair.

He’s walking slowly with someone else. Someone I can’t quite make out.

They’re a lot shorter than him. The two of them move through the room and open a door to an outdoor patio.

It’s then I can make her out more clearly.

She’s a dear old lady. She looks fragile.

Reef helps her to a set of outdoor furniture, makes sure she’s comfortable, then rushes back in the house and returns with a tray that looks to have a teapot and an assortment of cakes on it.

He places it down on the table in front of her and goes about filling both their teacups .

He wasn’t lying about his gran. Part of me thought she was a fictional character he made up to sell his story for coming to Ravens Hollow.

She smiles up at him, and he pats her hand, lovingly returning her smile.

Fuck, he’s gorgeous when he smiles; his whole face lights up.

Seeing him like this melts my heart. He has a heart of gold.

He was just put in a shitty situation. He’s been stuck in one his whole life.

What chance did he have with a drug-addict mother who was selling her body to pay the bills?

None. Especially with motherfuckers like the Morettis preying on the weak.

Unlike yesterday, he glances over the street, his eyes locking with mine.

My heart flutters just for a second, not sure what to do.

He frowns, looking confused before he glances away and back to her, continuing their conversation.

No cheeky text this time when he knows I’m watching him.

He’s still pissed with me and maybe he has some right to be.

Feeling empty, I start up my engine, needing to get the fuck out of here before I do something stupid like go and knock on his front door. My pulse races like crazy because I know it’s not over, at least for me. I have no idea how to fix things between us; all I know is it’s not the end.

On autopilot I drive to Harley’s clinic, houses and streets whooshing past in a blur.

The events of the past few months bear down on me, crushing me and constricting air from my lungs.

I can’t do this anymore. The fog that’s consuming me needs to fuck off so I can function.

The pain in my chest needs to ease so I can get on with my life.

I need to sleep like a normal person again, not one who has to rely on pills. Like this I’m useless.

From the car, I dial Harley’s number and wait.

“Hey, girl, what’s going on?” her chirpy voice comes down the line.

“I’m in the parking lot. Is Ricky around?” I murmur, still not sure what I’m doing here. I should just go, but I’m frozen to the spot.

“Let me check. He’s in with someone. Are you okay? I can get someone else.”

Fuck, my heart races so fast I think I’m going to have a panic attack or a heart attack.

It could be something life threatening, that’s how bad it feels.

“That’s okay, don’t worry about it.” I disconnect the call.

I have no idea what I was doing here anyway, I can’t be seen to be coming to a place like this.

With white-knuckle force, I grip hold of the steering wheel and try to suck in deep breaths.

Fuck, Sloane, get your shit together.

But I can’t. I need Onyx here telling me to breathe, telling me I’m okay. But he’s not here because I sent him away. I’m not okay. I stare down at my shaky hands, watching my fingers tremble.

I jump out of my skin when someone taps on my window. I turn to find Alex leering outside of my car. He motions for me to open my door.

Oh, fuck, no, he’s the last person I want to see. I stare back at him, not able to deal with this fucker today. Why isn’t he downtown at his damn media company?

When I don’t move, he grabs hold of the door and opens it. “Come inside, Sloane,” he says calmly.

I glance at him then back to my steering wheel. “What? No, I need to get to the club.”

His hand comes to my shoulder gently. “Harley is inside waiting for you, she said you can have lunch together while you wait for Ricky.” The way Alex looks at me with so much sympathy makes me feel sick to the stomach.

Because if even he isn’t trying to rile me up, I know it’s bad. I must look an absolute mess to him .

Fucking great, the last thing I need is this fucker feeling sorry for me. I really must have hit rock bottom. But I don’t move, I can’t. It’s like I’m glued to my seat, staring back at him, completely lost.

He smiles at me. Alex Moretti smiles, and I think I must be hallucinating because I know that’s not normal.

“Just do it for Harley. She’s worried about you, and she can’t have any extra stress right now, you know, with the babies,” he adds with way too much kindness in his voice.

Alex is easier to deal with when he’s being a smart-mouth asshole.

That I know how to deal with. Him like this is weird.

So weird that I nod, agreeing with him, then step out of the car, locking it with my fob. I clutch my purse close to my chest. “This shit ends up in one of your papers, I will hunt you down, Moretti,” I snap back at him, bitchy as all hell.

“No need for threats, it’s just two friends having lunch, Sloane.”

I glare at him. There is always a need for threats when it comes to Alex Moretti.

Harley waits for us at the door, a soft smile on her pretty face.

She holds an arm out for me and pulls me into her body as she guides me through the stunning new surroundings of her offices.

“Thanks, Alex,” she calls over her shoulder to him.

But he must head in another direction because it’s just us now.

She opens the door to her office, and Lola, her dog, jumps up from her little doggy bed as soon as she sees me, running over to me, her tail wagging. I drop down to my knees and stroke her soft fur, pulling her into me for cuddles. “She remembers me.”

“It hasn’t been that long, girl.”

“Feels like years,” I mutter, cuddling Lola. She nuzzles into me like she knows I need some love as well .

“I bet. You hung up on me when I was trying to tell you Ricky won’t be long. He just has one more appointment, then he can see you.”

“Okay, thanks.” I offer her a half smile, embarrassed over my meltdown.

She waddles slowly to a fridge and returns with a couple of salads, plopping them down on her desk. “You know you don’t always have to be this badass girl, the strong one. You can fall apart when life turns to shit, we all do.”

Lola moves off to her bed again, having had enough of my cuddles, and I hop up off the floor and brush off my skirt, taking a seat in the armchair.

“That’s not how I was brought up,” I huff out.

Last night was bad enough. I don’t know what magic Harley has, but she always gets me to tell her more than I want to.

She hands me a salad and a fork. “You won’t be able to resist this. I grabbed them from a little bistro around the corner, the best Waldorf salad you will ever eat.”

“Thank you.” I smile gratefully as I scoop up a mouthful of the creamy, crunchy salad, the combination of flavors bursting in my mouth. “I don’t think I have eaten properly for days,” I admit.

“No offence, girl, but you look like it.” She laughs. “You can’t live on ice cream and whiskey.”

“Shame, it would make life easier.” I smirk back at her. “Whereas you look like you swallowed a watermelon.”

She laughs harder. “I know, right? I’m scared to shop for groceries in case they think I stole one.” She rests her bowl on her round tummy, laughing at her own joke.

I finish off my salad in record time. “You’re right, that was the best Waldorf salad I have ever had. Thank you.”

“I got you, girl. ”

A light tap comes at the door, and we both turn to find Ricky standing in the opening.

“You needed me?” He smiles cheekily at Harley.

And fuck, the way he looks at her is like how Reef used to look at me.

I feel the tears threatening again, so I bite the inside of my cheek to stop them. I’m not going to fall apart here.

“Your twelve o’clock is here.” Harley motions to me.

His smile comes to me. “Come on through, Miss Stryker.”

“Thanks for lunch, sis.” I stand and move to follow him. “You tell anybody I was here I’ll have to kill you,” I say under my breath.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” He chuckles lightheartedly as we make our way down to his office a couple of doors down the hall.

The room isn’t cold like a normal doctor’s office. It’s warm and homely feeling, with wooden furnishings and cream walls. A fiddle leaf plant sits by the window soaking up the low light as the sun filters in.

“What can I do for you, Sloane,” he says when he finds me staring out the window.

I take a seat on the soft fabric sofa just to my side, tucking my hands under my legs. “I don’t know why I’m here,” I admit, discomfort churning inside of me.

Ricky takes a seat across from me. “Do you need a new prescription or more sleeping pills?”

“Maybe.”

His forehead creases.

I stare at him. Can I trust him? Who fucking knows anymore, but I have to trust someone. I can’t do this alone. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Ricky… so out of control.”

“The meds aren’t helping with the panic attacks and anxiety?” he asks, sounding more concerned .

“They might be. How can you fucking tell when your life is as fucked up as mine is?” I whisper, covering my face in my hands as the tears take over. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I can’t help it. I can’t keep it together anymore.

He hands me a tissue, and the two of us sit in silence for what feels like forever, while he waits for me to fix myself up. “When do you feel out of control the most?” he finally asks.

“I spent so long with Onyx by my side. I don’t know what to do without him.

You know they fucking did this to me. My brothers.

Onyx, Reef, Romeo, Orlando. All of them.

I’m on edge constantly, wanting desperately to run to them for safety, but fighting it because I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.

They did this to me, Ricky. They made it so I can’t live with them or without them. ”

“You know the best cure for anxiety?”

“More pills?”

“Facing what scares us. Over and over again. Every time you do it, the out-of-control feelings will reduce more, until you will find you’re comfortable with the thing that scared you most.”

“Desensitization?”

“Kind of.”

“What if what scares me the most is the four men I gave my heart to?”

“Maybe you need to stop running from the pain and face them?”

Face them? Fuck, I don’t want to face them. I don’t even know how. “What if they did irreversible damage?”

“Then you need to work out how to live without them?” He says it like a question.

“I can’t live without them, it hurts too much.” Pain lodges itself in my chest as I admit my true feelings, and I heave out a breath, trying to get myself under control .

“Then you answered your own question.”

I stare back at him. That’s not the answer I wanted. Dear God, why am I talking to Ricky about them? I’m here for me, this isn’t about them. “If I wanted to work with you and try and come off the pills, is that something you can help me with?”

“Would you be open to seeing one of our therapists? She can help you work through some of the past wounds that led to the panic attacks and the anxiety. It’s not a quick fix, Sloane, but if you’re prepared to take the time, we can get you off the pills if that’s what you really want.”

“No one would have to know about this, not even my brothers?”

“What happens in these walls is just between you and our therapists.”

I twist my hands in front of me. For so long I have relied on the pills, they have been my safe place. But even I know they’re just blocking the reality I can’t deal with. And I don’t want to be shackled to anything for the rest of my life.