Page 59 of Do It For Me

But I need him.

What am I supposed to do when my heart and body ache for him, but my mind screams at me to stop falling?

I don’t want him to see the filth in me. I want him to see me as I truly am—a person, a soul... not a whore.

But he won’t. Not if he knows the truth.

He won’t understand how I ended up feeling things when they did something I didn’t want. He won’t understand.

I’m not ready to see the disappointment in his eyes. Not now. Not ever.

He’s the only one who looks at me with something different—something I don’t want to lose.

He’s the only one who has stayed through my episodes. I don’t want him to leave. Not when he realises how sick I really am.

I shouldn’t crave the things he does to me. It’s not ladylike. Men are supposed to have their way with me. Whatever they want is supposed to be what I want—whether I like it or not.

That’s the rule I’ve always known. The rule I’ve lived by.

But he gave me a choice.

And no one has ever given me a choice before.

“You have no idea how bad I want to touch you,” Daddy whispers against my ear, pressing something against my bottom. “This is for the best, püppchen.”

Tears stream down my face. He told me to remain silent so I wouldn’t wake Mum. She’s so tired because of my little sister.

This is for the best.

“Do you like this?” he asks softly in my ear as his hand moves to my chest. “If you’re asleep, nod.”

I do. He laughs.

I love when Daddy laughs. He’s so pretty like that, but I don’t like it when he does this to me.

“This is our little secret, okay? Mummy won’t find out. Nor will your brothers or your sister.”

I nod again.

I don’t want to hide things from Mummy, but this is the only time Daddy doesn’t hit me.

Is this his way of showing me love?

Why am I remembering this now?

Why is all of this ruining my life?

Why is everything coming back all at once? I was happy. I was fine. I was with Dante.

He can’t know what they did to me. He can’t know what Dad did to me. He can’t know.

I have to forget it. I have to forget everything. I have to push those memories away, like I always do.

Please let it work this time. Please, please, please.

I don’t want any more.

Please, leave me alone.