Page 68 of Deadly Knight

My wall nearly crumbled. Somehow, it remained upright. I’d love to know how, but I can’t be certain I’ll have the same luck or ability next time. It trembled, though, the threat of what could so easily happen. A mere breath, a word, a look is all it’ll take to crush ten years of construction.

He never even gave me answers. Simply stared at me in that way of his, letting me put it all together. Labelling what I know deep down means acknowledging it when this isn’t right. This isn’t what I need. Whatweneed.

The sight of him brings everything good and bad back, everything unhealthy, everything I’ve been fighting. And unfortunately, the evil in our past overshadows the joy I once felt.

Soulmates or not, it doesn’t mean I have to want mine. That we’re good for one another.

Consciousness rises amidst the darkness, and with a low groan, I shift, my body getting feeling back. Last time, I woke up on a chilly couch, but whatever’s beneath me is soft and feels so damn good. A scent encompasses me, wrapping me in safety. A scent my insides know all too well, even if they refuse to label.

I don’t open my eyes, not allowing reality to return quite yet. Instead, the feeling of pure bliss and pending doom keeps me soothed.

That tingling I’ve felt one too many times caresses my face, and it’s with a snap of my mind, it all makes sense. It was never in my head. Never anxiety.

It’s beenhim.Always him. He never left me alone to heal.

So have I evenbeenhealing, having his influence around the entire time, and something within me was obviously aware?

“Katya, you’re awake. Open your eyes.”

I can’t, because it means facing you.I can’t face him. Can’t face what it’ll mean. Ten years of laying the building blocks of my foundation to being able to build upon whattheydid and make me a new person who’s able to come out the other side, and I already know all that work will be demolished with a mere glance from him.

I wasn’t prepared for this outcome. Did I ever believe I’d be in front of him again? Perhaps. A bit. Sometimes when in denial.But only onmyterms, when I felt I accomplished what I set out to do all those years ago. When I felt well enough that there wouldn’t be a need for walls and barriers to protect my heart and sanity. When we were both different people who could be in the same room again without dying.

“Moya dusha.” My soul.

Fuck, that hurts.That’s not what I am anymore, though.

Unwillingly, I open my eyes, unable to hide from the future any longer. The sooner I face him, the sooner this ends and he leaves me alone, and the excruciating process of rebuilding will begin.

Dimitri’s face is the only thing I see. Shielded by dim lights, my heart reacts. For the first time in a decade, Iseehim; the one whom I’ve only ever dreamed about, forced to mentally age the memory of the guy I knew into the man he’s become.

Now, I don’t have to imagine. The same eyes devour me with a relief I don’t understand. His face is harder, aged with a decade of being a Bratva soldier. His hair is shorter, swept back in a way like he’s run his fingers through it one too many times. Days’ old hair grows on his chin, adding to the black marks of exhaustion beneath his eyes.

Some-fucking-how, the wall remains erect. Trembles, but stays standing. If only I understood why and what it means. Either way, he can’t see how close I am to giving in to old desires, because I’m no more prepared now than ten years ago, and if that means shutting down and hiding my true feelings, then so be it.

“Katya,” he breathes, my name sounding like a prayer on his lips but nothing less than a sin.

Safe. Not real.

But no… That isn’t right. My usual mantra doesn’t work in this instance, because he is very much real at the moment. My safety is a question left unanswered.

Safe? Real.

When he shifts closer, his arms holding himself above me, I catch the intricate design in the ceiling. A ceiling belonging to a house—a mansion—that’s as ancient as time itself, that I’d only been allowed in a handful of times when he deemed it safe enough.

No.

All at once everything falls away, my location being the only thing that matters. Where I’mnot. That Dimitri blew into my life without permission and threatened my barriers. He has no right to undo a decade’s worth of work.

I scramble, feet digging into the blanket as my back hits the headboard, as far away from him as possible. Distance will help my shattered heart be able to restart its healing process. The dress from my date slides up my thighs, but neither he nor I pay it any attention.

“Where am I?” Even though I already know the answer, Ineedhim to say it.

“My bedroom.”

“In Moscow.” My eyes dart to the side, where I remember large windows being, but they’re draped with heavy, black curtains, cutting off the outdoors and an idea of the time.

“Da.”