Page 20 of Deadly Knight

-Have I been kidding myself for thepast few years, my emotions aside?

I love him with my entire heart, and everything above seems surreal. Before grad, I never would have had this list. Whether or not some of the anxieties were present, I would have ignored them and believed our feelings for one another were enough, and everything else would work out eventually.

Funny how life works out. Must be the trauma.

Diary, what do I do?

By the time I drop the pen onto my lap, small dots infiltrate my words. Tears forever staining the paper where I’ve written the unwanted truth.

Dimitri is a Bratva soldier from a family intent on ruling the country through whatever means necessary.

I’m a regular girl from a family content to lead peaceful lives, under the radar.

The two don’t go together.

We were two flames never meant to burn within the same fire. His path is meant to blaze, while mine will simply smoulder.

And right now, it feels like my flame has been doused.

Whether or not I’ll ever be ignited again remains to be seen.

The day Katya’sparents bring her home, I’m at their front door, pleading to her mother.

“Please.”

It’s gutting to be restricted from seeing her. To not be able to hold her and kiss away the pain, the wounds I was forced to witness her receive. To not be able to apologize for everything. For being me. For my life. And most importantly, for my father.

I want to admit who the true villain is, but I’m not sure I should. While I don’t want to hide it, and this is too big to lie about, it also feels precarious. Like I’ll lose her if I do. She’ll be too scared to be around me, knowing whose blood I share.

And really…I get it. I fucking do.

What I will vow—what I’ll be on my knees telling her—is my plan to track, hunt, and slaughter the four hired rapists. The moment she allows me to see her, I’ll make an undying oath to bring all their heads to her if it’ll make her feel safe again. Until then, day and night, I’ll protect her.

If you want to protect her, stay away from her.

The nagging thought slices at my heart, but worse—it’s the truth. The safest thing for Katya is to cut her out of my life entirely and keep her far away from the Bratva and Papa. Papa’s already acted once, so I can’t imagine what he’ll do next to keep us apart.

After the four, I’m coming for him too. Until they’re dead, though, I have to be smart, because I’m alone in this crusade. Ursin will take his brother’s side, as will most of the soldiers out of fear and loyalty. Lev may be the only one who’ll take mine.

Staying away from her might be safest, but I’m a selfish fucker who won’t be able to live with his heart ripped out.

The door opens again, and I lighten with hope, only to be instantly darkened when Katya’s mother returns instead of my girl. Her lips are pressed together, and she shakes her head.

“Not yet. I’m sorry.”

The staggering weakness in my legs makes me stumble down the steps and back onto the skinny path from the sidewalk to their front door. “I-I understand. Just…tell her I love her. And I’m sorry.”

Then I turn away before I end up on my knees, begging and pleading with the woman to let me inside.

She calls me back with a low murmur of my name. “I think she’s aware already, but I will.”

When the door shuts with a soft thud, it’s one I feel echoing through my entire body, reminding me of the emptiness within me.

The lack of life.

With a long, final look at Katya’s house, I head down the road.

That night,I return.