Page 31

Danger

Thoughts. Can you really have multilayered thoughts? I mean, sure I think about a few things at once. But, sometimes thoughts creep into my mind and I have to squash it out. Like the thought of Monterey and I forever. Now there’s a funny thought I can’t explore.

Even though every part of me wants to.

To say I can’t get enough of this woman is an understatement, but I need to. The season’s coming to an end, and I have things to do before it does.

I need to find my life.

Monterey’s phone rings, breaking me from my thoughts. “My dad, be right back.” She leaves the table and I watch her ass sway as she moves closer to the entrance.

I finish off the rest of my breakfast. “Everything ok?” I ask after a few minutes once she’s returned.

“Great news.” Sarcasm lights up her eyes and I can tell by the look on her face what she has to tell me is anything but great. “We have a big meeting with PR once we get back to LA, and an expose with the LA Sun .”

I blink. “PR? Did something happen?”

Monterey chews on her bottom lip. “No, I’m sure it’s nothing major. Ricky Moore with the LA Sun wants an expose as well.”

I grit my teeth. “That asshole shouldn’t get a thing.” I get up, reaching for my wallet to throw a few bills on the table to cover lunch. “Finish your breakfast. I’ll wait in the car.”

“Danger,” Monterey says, but I’m already walking away.

I head outside, letting the warmth of the sun hit my face. I pull out a cigarette and light it up. I’ve noticed since I’ve been hanging out with Monterey more and more I’ve smoked less and less.

I wish this guy would just leave me alone already.

“Danger.” Monterey walks up to me, looking like innocence and fresh sunshine. “Can you talk to me?”

I puff on my cigarette. I don’t want to talk. I’m tired of talking. I’m tired of feeling. It gets exhausting after a while. I don’t know how women do it. How they can constantly have these emotions bursting through them at all times of the day. “Nothing,” I say, even though after I say it I realize it’s not the right response to the question she asked.

“Danger.”

I ignore her.

“Danger, will you…” Her words are cut off by my total lack of being able to even look at her.

And it’s not her I’m mad at. I’m not even mad. Just lost.

“Dylan, will you look at me?”

I drop my cigarette and stamp it out with my foot. I cross my arms and face her. “I’m sorry. I’m just under a lot of pressure.”

She stares at me, studying and assessing. “I know you are. I’ll try to get my father to cancel the exposé with the LA Sun .”

“Wait.” I hold up a hand. “You’re sure Ricky requested it?”

“Yes.”

“Actually, on second thought, I’ll do it.”

* * *

Once we arrive in Portland, Oregon, it’s late and I’m too tired to even make it up to our hotel room. Monterey deserves an explanation about Ricky Moore. How this motherfucker apparently knows me. I guess she deserves to know my story, but how can I ever tell her that? How can I tell her the horror which is my life?

“Monterey,” I say once she steps out of the bathroom. She’s dressed in yoga pants and a white tee, and I swear she’s never looked more gorgeous. “I’m sorry for being so cold earlier. For yelling at you. For all of it.”

She lays down in the bed beside me. “It’s ok. I know there’s things in your past you don’t want to talk about.”

I sigh, sitting up against the bed frame. “Yeah.”

She smiles as she snuggles up closer. “Dylan, it’s really ok. You don’t need to tell me anything.”

I love how cool she’s being. She’s giving me an out, and I should take it. I shouldn’t open up to her. But, a small part of me wants to—needs to.

“I didn’t have the best father growing up. He wasn’t a role model by any means. He was abusive to my mother.”

“I’m so sorry.” Monterey’s hand touches mine and it grounds me a little more. “Did he ever beat you, too?”

“No. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

She listens, waiting for me to continue.

“Everyday I wanted that asshole to notice me. And then the one night he did, it turned out to be a huge mistake.”

She gazes up at me as I stroke her hair. I can’t tell her anymore, even though it almost feels freeing to tell her everything.

“Did your mother ever get away from your dad? Is it why you left home?” she asks me.

The guilt of my life hangs heavy in my chest. “Yes. We both left.”

She smiles. “I’m glad.” She cuddles into me, and I wrap both arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

I don’t have the heart to tell her how my mother and I escaped our lives. How bad my father really was. And how everyday I fear I may turn out to be just like him.

But, can anyone really turn into a monster?

Is it possible to have joy when your heart is dead?

I kiss the top of her head again. “I’m so glad you’re here with me.” And it’s not a lie. I am so glad she’s here with me.

I sleep better when she’s near. But I can’t think about sleep right now. I can’t think about anything but showing this woman how much her tenderness means to me right now. How grateful I am she’s comforting me.

Even though I was an asshole earlier, I need to show her that that’s not the real me.

I trail kisses down her face, attempting to let her know she means so much.

“Your vulnerability turns me on,” she says, turning in bed to face me.

I just stare into her eyes, knowing that I don’t know if I can let her go at the end of the season. I don’t know if I can ever let this woman go.

I lean in, claiming her lips, tasting her against my own mouth.

She lays back, and I crawl on top of her, staring down into her beautiful eyes. “I need to be inside you,” I tell her, my body hardening the longer I stare.

She answers me with a kiss, and I let it overtake me. I let it tell me everything will be ok. I’m left believing that anything this woman does will make me happy.

I caress her skin, trailing my fingers down her cheek. “Monterey, I don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

Tears sting her eyes as she gazes up at me. “You’re doing the same thing to me.”

We remove our clothes, and I grab my dick in one hand, stroking it slowly. I line it up to her entrance, and push with one slow movement, entering her. She moans out, and I sigh with relief.

I love being inside her.

I love feeling her.

I love her.

Wait. I don’t do that shit. I don’t know how to love.

My heartbeat amps up, even though I know I want to take things slowly tonight, I’m not sure if I can. The need to feel all of her consumes me.

I thrust a little, pumping and moving, over and over. Her fingernails drag down my back, marking my skin. It’s like a wave of calm washes over me, my whole life leading up to this moment, is all calm now. It’s her. She does this to me.

She makes the madness disappear every time she touches me. I keep moving inside her and she spreads her legs even wider.

“You feel so good, Monterey. So fucking good.” And she does. It’s a feeling I’ve never known before. Sure, the physical aspect feels amazing, but there’s something more. Something deeper.

I kiss her again, our breath hot and mingled, mixing together in a lustful embrace. I could do this forever.

“Dylan, I’m so close.”

The fact she uses my real name when we’re this intimate isn’t lost on me, and it actually warms my chest and makes my body come alive just a bit more. I push a little deeper inside her, wanting her to feel every goddamn inch of me. Wanting her to never forget me.

Maybe I’m a selfish man, and I know she’ll move on from me, but I want her to remember me inside her every time another man touches her.

The thought of my sweet Monterey with another man enrages me, but I try to push it aside. It’s an inevitable fact that will one day play out.

I can’t be with her.

Period.

No matter how badly I may want to. I’ll never forget this, and I’m pretty sure Monterey has ruined me for other women. But, I can’t be stupid enough to know Monterey won’t move on from me. That one day she’ll marry someone for real, not this fake sham of a relationship we share. No, she’ll move on and she deserves it.

I pump a little harder, my mind a complete mess.

Monterey clutches my face with both hands. “Stay with me, Dylan. You keep going somewhere else.”

I stare into her eyes, mesmerized by their beauty. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” she whispers, but I know I will.

I lose everything I’ve ever loved.

Because that’s the hand life has dealt me. The realization that I love this woman, that I absolutely adore this woman, makes my heart slam around in my ribcage. I’m on fire as I pulse inside her, pushing even deeper still. The words are on the tip of my tongue. I want to shout them from the rooftops. But, I don’t. Instead I tell her how beautiful she is. I tell her how I’ve never met anyone quite like her before. I tell her how good she feels.

And of course, she moans and cries out her pleasure, but there’s still this sinking feeling deep within my chest. The feeling that this all is coming to an end. Like the life of a caterpillar knowing full well that one day he’ll lose it all and transform into something better. That’s how Monterey is, one day she’ll be this beautiful butterfly, flying away from me and she’ll finally have everything she deserves.

And me? I’ll be left in the dirt, never able to surface or make something of myself.

Sure, I have money and fame, but I see now those things don’t matter anymore.

Monterey does.

And that goal I need to reach.

My life has a purpose beyond the tracks.

“Fuck me, baby.” I’m done playing nice. I’m done making love to this beautiful woman that will one day leave me. Instead I take out the anger I feel knowing that one day she’ll be gone. “Fuck, Monterey.”

She moans louder now, and I speed up, slamming my hardness deep inside her.

My gentle touch turns a bit rougher, and I cry out that I’m about to come.

Monterey whispers, “Come back to me,” but I'm no longer here with her. Instead I’m off, my mind only feeling the sensations all around me. I focus on the way her pussy grips my dick like a glove.

I focus on the way she runs her fingernails across my skin, digging them into the flesh of my ass. Fuck this girl. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

I stab her more and more with my hard cock, knowing full well this will one day come to an end.

“I’m coming, Dylan, ahh,” she cries out.

I follow her, my release a mirror of hers. I squeeze my eyes shut, holding onto her as tightly as I can. “I… I… ” but the words I love you never come out of my mouth.

But I’m feeling it. Fuck, I’m feeling it