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CHAPTER NINETEEN

Tara

IT HAS BEEN a week since I walked in on a bloody Sean at the club, and he still hasn’t come home. He won’t answer my calls or texts either. I had wanted to run to him. To ask him where he was injured, but little nugget didn’t like the smell of blood, and I had to rush to the garbage. When I was finally able to pull my head out of the can, Sean was gone, and Rian and Oscar were dragging me home. Refusing to answer any questions I had.

I get we weren’t friends, but they used to at least talk to me. I’m still allowed to leave the apartment, so that’s something. But if I ask to go to the club, they refuse. If I try to order a cab to go to the club, they intervene and send the cab away.

It’s infuriating. I don’t even know if Sean is okay. For all I know, he had to have surgery and is in the hospital recovering.

I’ve picked up my phone a thousand times to call someone, anyone to find out more information, but I have no numbers. Sean never felt the need to give me Killian or Grady’s number. Rian and Oscar are always with me, so I don’t need theres, not that they’d tell me anything. And the night I met Elena, Livianna, and Keira at the club, I didn’t think to ask for their numbers, and they didn’t request mine.

I’m going crazy. I need Sean. He cut me from my life and transplanted me here, but now he’s abandoned me.

How long is he going to be gone? What happens if I go into labor? Will he be here? Will Rian or Oscar reach out to him then?

Is he just waiting for me to give birth so he can take our little nugget and send me away?

Oh god. He is, isn’t he. That’s why he’s not here. I’m far enough along that he’s not worried about a miscarriage, so long as I have babysitters to keep me out of trouble, I’m no longer his concern. Is that it?

No, that’s not it. I’m sure it’s just a big misunderstanding on my part. Sean told me he was going to be busy and maybe unavailable for large chunks of time. That’s it. I walked in on him while he was busy, and he couldn’t stay since he was needed elsewhere.

Yes, that’s it. He was busy. But he’ll be here soon. Any minute now he’ll walk through the door. We’ve got a doctor’s appointment. He hasn’t missed an appointment yet since he came to get me. He’s not going to miss this one.

He missed it.

I spent the whole appointment watching the door. Willing it to open. It never did. He never came.

I walk out of the office and to the car like a zombie. I think I hear Rian, or maybe it’s Oscar, talking. Their voice is muffled. Like it’s underwater.

I don’t remember the drive home. I don’t remember going to my room. I don’t remember laying down. But here I am.

What time is it?

Does it matter?

I thought Sean and I had been connecting. I had foolishly been starting to fall in love with him. Thinking I was getting some weird mafia romance fairy tale.

Joke is on me.

I need to get out of here. All of a sudden the room feels too small, the house too confining. I need to leave Chicago. I can’t raise my baby here. I can’t let Sean take little nugget from me.

My mind morphs into planning mode. To pull this off, I’m going to need help. I call the only person I know that can help me pull this off. The phone rings, he answers on the second one. “Hello?” His familiar voice is a balm to my soul.

“Jeremy, I need your help.”

He wastes no time asking what I need. Offering suggestions, and giving feedback on my plan as it grows and adapts. By the end of the call, we are both confident we can pull this off.

“Thank you Jeremy. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I say. Trying not to cry. Sean doesn’t deserve my tears.

“Good thing you don’t ever need to find out. I’ll always be here for you. No matter what. Best friends for life.” He replies.

We say our good-byes and hang up. Tomorrow is game day. Or is it go time? Whatever. Tomorrow I’m out of here. Screw Sean. He can fuck right off.

Twelve hours later, Rian drops Oscar and I off at the front door of a children’s clothing store. I was pretending to want to shop for the baby. I spent a few minutes wandering the aisles. I keep my head down, and randomly pick up items, turn them over and put them down, as if I am really considering buying them. I’m not. I just need Oscar to loose interest, and take his post by the door like he always does. Ten minutes later, he finally leaves me when I start checking out the breast pumps. I wait a few more minutes after he leaves for good measure. Then I casually meander towards the back door. I take one last look to be sure the coast is clear, then confirm Jeremy is in place. He is.

It’s time. I push on the emergency exit bar to open the door. The alarm immediately starts blaring. I’ve got only seconds before Oscar will be on my tail.

As planned, Jeremy is in his truck with the engine running just outside the door. I climb in as quick as I can with my giant beach-ball belly I’ve got going on. Once I’ve got my belt on, Jeremy tears out of the alley. I watch as Oscar storms out the door and starts chasing on foot. He quickly fades from view as we merge into traffic.

We sit in silence for most of the ride to Indianapolis. We don’t need to talk. Jeremy already knows everything. He knows how Sean ignored me, how he missed my appointment, and how I feel abandoned and like my life is spinning out of control.

About an hour from home, Jeremy breaks the silence to ask the question I don’t want to answer.

“Do you love him?”

It’s the question that has plagued me for days. Some days my answer is ‘Fuck no. Never’. Other days my answer is ‘unequivocally yes.’

Today I’m in the middle. Sitting on the fence between both feelings.

“I don’t know.”