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Barren

A s soon as I finished sweeping and hosing down the pier, the front door swung open.

“Ren! Where have you been?” Laverne hopped out, slapping down on the wet walkway. “Kai-Kai asked me to find you.”

Crouching down, I flipped an overturned rock, returning it to its rightful spot along the path leading to my front door. “Been around,” I mumbled as Laverne slid over to me. I winced when her tail hit the rocks, knocking more out of place.

“You’d better get in there. I think they want to talk to you.”

I was aware. I had a habit of tuning into the thoughts and emotions in a room before deciding whether to go in it. It was how I knew Laverne considered Spraut the most adorably intriguing creature she’d encountered on land. And it was how I knew Kai was getting more anxious every minute Claira remained closed off in my bedroom.

Additionally, I knew exactly what Leander was going to ask of me, which was the reason I couldn’t go back inside.

“Come on, Ren.” Laverne nudged my hand. “You can’t mope out here forever. So what if that harlot went swimming with another merman? It wasn’t your fault she acted out and got everyone upset.”

My jaw clenched. “Claira didn’t act out.”

Laverne’s eyes rolled as she threw back her neck, exasperated. “I don’t understand why you’re all so obsessed with her. What has she even done for you? I’m the one who brings you fish, Ren! Remember?”

“You do bring me fish,” I said, chuckling to myself as I stood up. I gave her head a firm pat. “Thank you, Laverne.”

Claira had done a lot for each of us, but I knew Laverne wouldn’t understand it. One day she would. When she recognized her soulmate. Until then, I had to hope she would soon stop giving Claira such a hard time on her own.

“Let’s go in,” I said, brushing off my knees. I’d hoped to wait until everyone was asleep. But that would only prolong the inevitable. And I needed to wash my hands after the work I’d done outside.

I was barely able to step through the door before Leander was in front of me, straightening up to try to get into my face.

“Where the fuck have you been?” He clasped me by my shoulders, rage simmering just below the surface of his eyes.

“We tried, man. She still won’t tell us what happened,” Kai said, his voice thick with emotion. “I don’t think she trusts us…”

Leander dug into my shoulders with a desperate grip as he threw the words behind him. “Barren knows. He fucking knows, and he won’t tell us.”

I shook my head, but Leander’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t fuck with us. I know you know. You have to know.”

“No,” I said with a grunt. “I can’t do it.”

His grip intensified as he snarled the question, “You can’t, or you won’t?”

The pain was minimal, but my shoulders involuntarily stiffened. “Won’t.”

“This was your kingdom’s whaleshit!” Leander released my shoulders with an unsuccessful shove. “If we were ever friends, Barren, you will go in there and read her mind. Find out who fucking did this. Who made her so scared she couldn’t even tell her fucking mates what happened to her. The mates that are supposed to protect her.”

His hands clenched into tightly wound fists, his knuckles turning white with the force of his grip. I didn’t need to read his thoughts to know his attention was fixated on my jaw. But before he could swing, Kai wrapped around him, holding him back.

“Whoa—deep breaths. Barren isn’t the problem here.” Although Kai tried to hide it, I could detect a hint of apprehension when he looked up at me. “He cares about Claira as much as we do, and if he won’t do it, he must have a reason.”

This was exactly what I knew would happen. Alhey . Turning, I went to the sink and could hear Leander’s teeth grinding together with a fierce growl behind me.

“Shhhh. Dude, calm down,” Kai whispered. Leander’s breaths were loud and exaggerated as I washed my hands.

Then Leander let out one last deep breath, and his shoulders relaxed. “Fine. If you won’t read her mind, then try fucking talking to her,” he pressed. “Do something, because from here it looks like you don’t give a damn about her at all.”

My jaw was so tight, my teeth were on the verge of shattering. “Mmh.”

I cared. I cared about her enough to keep my distance.

“Don’t give me that, Barren. Fucking go!”

She didn’t want me talking to her. She didn’t want me near her. But Leander wouldn’t give up until I tried. “I will talk to her,” I murmured tensely, and both of them looked visibly relieved.

“Great,” Laverne said as he flopped up onto the couch. “Can we talk about something else now?” Unease tightened my stomach—I still hadn’t had the opportunity to clean the cushions.

Pushing that thought away for later, I said carefully, “I’ll go, but I won’t read her mind.” Even now I sensed it, Claira’s mind brushing against the corners of my consciousness, yet I resisted. No knowledge was worth the risk I’d take by reading it, and there were less painful ways to rip out my heart than to learn what she thought of me after her meeting with my sister.

“Fix this,” Leander said, and despite his attempt to push me toward my bedroom, I walked to the front door. “The fuck are you going?”

“To the patio,” I said, sweat already coating my palm at the thought of talking to Claira.

“Barren—!” Kai called as I shut the door behind me.

“ Alhey, ” I cursed under my breath. What was I doing? Claira wouldn’t want to talk to me. I already knew what had happened to her.

I’d thought someone had taken her at first. I’d stalked up and down the hallway, even barged into the restroom to look for her, before I understood what had happened.

She’d run from me.

And I’d always known it would happen. The things my sister told her had terrified her, and she had done what everyone did. Claira hadn’t seemed superstitious, but Javalynn had a way of convincing others, and I couldn’t blame Claira for getting as far away from me as she could.

I paused to brace against a post, my insides in turmoil. How much had Javalynn told her? I’d barely slept, worried about their meeting. And as I’d feared, the worst had happened.

And now I’d lost her forever.

It was laughable how my knees shook underneath me. Some thought me a fierce warrior, and here I stood, crumbling apart in the face of losing all that I’d held on to for so long.

I’d been content to let Leander have her once. But that hadn’t meant I wouldn’t hold on to her in secret—a pearl locked away in the cage of my heart. Now things were different, and once I called out to her and saw her fear and disgust, I would have to let her go.

Opening the patio latch meant there was no going back. But like a soldier following orders, I did it. After all, I was used to being alone. I still had Spraut , my plants, and this home I’d built for myself.

Steeling my emotions, I tapped on the edge of the cat door. “Mmh, Claira?”

The returned “B-Barren?” was a blow to my chest. She sounded flustered, borderline panicked.

I shouldn’t have come.

One of the patio doors pulled open so quickly that I tensed, straightened up in surprise. Shadows played over her face as she stepped out on the patio, her sweet voice trailing in the night air. “You’re back?”

I swallowed, every hair on my body rising in keen awareness of her presence. She would never know what her voice did to me. The deep connection that resonated through my bones whenever she was near.

Leander had sent me to speak with her, but now that she was here, coherent words escaped me.

“Oh! The bikini,” she burst out, quickly covering her mouth with her hands. She whirled around, her hair bouncing behind her as she retreated into my bedroom. I blinked, watching her hastily turn around to knock the door shut with an ankle while she called, “One… one second!”

The door shut, and I was left gasping for air. I stumbled a step, turning myself around.

This was a mistake. I knew I should have kept my distance. Should have stayed away, so I wouldn’t put her in the position where she felt the need to run from me again.

Metal groaned, bending under the pressure of my hand as I forced the patio gate open, but I didn’t care. Nice things were never meant to last for me.

“Barren?” Claira called as the patio door slammed back shut. “Where are you going?”

I stood frozen, still clutching the bent gate. “I made you uncomfortable,” I mumbled, unsure of why she’d bothered coming back outside at all. “My apologies.”

Her gentle whisper caught me off guard. “You never make me uncomfortable.”

I turned around to her standing in the darkness behind me, arms wrapped around her middle, toeing the deck with a bare foot.

My body reacted to the sight of her, my heart clenching with bittersweet agony.

She was wearing the swimsuit. The black one I’d picked out for her when I accompanied Kai to get the things that the Atlantic had failed to provide her with.

Although there wasn’t much to it, it fit her perfectly, a cruel reminder that it was the first and only thing I would give to her. But why had she changed into it?

Then it dawned on me—I’d asked to come to her after her meeting with my sister.

“Well?” she asked, a nervous laugh escaping her. “What do you think?” She adjusted her posture, pushing her shoulders back in a shy pose.

My blood pooled low, a physical response that I hoped the darkness would conceal. I lacked experience in talking to people without knowing what they wanted to hear, so I averted my eyes, keeping my voice low and unaffected. “It suits you.”

My indifference faltered, and I stole another glance. The smile touching at the corners of her lips was a confusing torment.

Claira stepped forward, her hair flowing smoothly over her nearly bare shoulders. “You know, I always wondered why you picked this out for me, Barren, when you let Kai choose everything else.”

The hopeful look in her eyes made my throat go dry.

When I didn’t say anything, her lips fell into a pout. “You’re not going to tell me?”

What did she expect me to say?

That I chose it because black was the color of my armor? Because red and black together were the colors of my kingdom, and while Kai had looked upon swimsuits with brightly patterned hearts and flowers, I’d had the urge to dress her in my colors?

That I thought, if I had to give her up, I could at least give myself that much?

“I thought black would complement your hair.”

I was left feeling raw and exposed under her gaze as she stared wordlessly, her head tilting. My eyes shifted, focusing on a cluster of potted pandan plants. What I’d said had been too honest, too close to the truth, the exact wrong thing to say. I should have known by now that no one appreciated honesty.

Claira collected a bundle of hair from over her shoulder and held it next to the strap of her swimsuit. Biting her lip, she twirled the strands, letting some of them fall from her fingers before looking back up at me. “And?” she asked quietly. “Does it?”

She swayed a slow step forward, and I heaved in a breath. “Mmmh,” I forced out, my heart rate increasing every time she came closer.

“Yeah?” Her delicate eyelashes fluttered as she gazed up at me. “You think it looks nice?” Soft laughter escaped her lips as she hooked her finger onto the thin string holding the swimsuit bottom to her curved hips.

I stood there, rooted in silence. The sight of her in that swimsuit, looking so alluring and unattainable, only intensified my ache.

“There’s not a lot to it,” she said and then gave the string a pluck. Her teeth tugged at her bottom lip briefly, and then she reached out to me, her warm palm finding my arm. “Did you do that on purpose, Barren?”

All the blood drained from my face. “ Nuvisney . I—I don’t understand,” I murmured, the memory of my anxiety and impatience as I waited for her return from the restroom still a fresh wound. My entire life, I’d longed to be as strong in her eyes as I had been when we were both merfry, but we could never return to that time. I could never return to what I once was. “You ran from me.”

Her hand sprang away from my arm. “I what? ” she whispered, and I tensed when she went for my hand, grasping it with her delicate fingers. “Look at me, Barren.” She leaned forward, going on her toes, but I could only focus on where our hands met, joined together. “I didn’t run from you,” she said slowly, a tender serenade that built on itself, swimming through the air around me, heating my body. “You believe me, don’t you?”

It was like a heavy stone had lifted from my chest. I nodded, unsure of what to say. Because if she hadn’t run from me, then something had actually happened to her. The same panic that Leander and Kai were experiencing coursed through me, filling me with questions and the intense desire to protect.

“Are you hurt?” I asked, my voice coming out rougher than intended.

Her eyelashes fell, and she looked down while fidgeting with her fingertips. “No. I’m not hurt.”

The answer gave no relief, and I fought against the urge to look inside her mind to find out for myself what had?—

“Barren?” Claira said quietly, her gentle voice pulling me out of my dangerous spiral. One of her feet toed at the deck. “Didn’t you come here to proposition me?”

Proposition her?

“Mmh.” After all that happened, I’d almost forgotten the reason I wanted to meet with her alone. “You aren’t wearing your—” Unsure of its name, I gestured around her hips. The covering she usually wore was missing.

For a moment, she stared up at me, her lips parted in wonder. “Oh, my wrap?” she said, snapping out of it. “It, uh… n-nope. I figured I wouldn’t need it in the hot tub.”

Confusion settled over me as she pulled away. She walked over to my storage box and placed a hand on its cover, giving me an eager look. “Unless it’s filled with salt water, of course. Then I guess I’ll have to change,” she added with a light laugh.

“Sorry, I—” Unsure of what to say, I went over to flip the cover up and show her the gardening tools and bags of soil inside it. “It was here when I moved in. I never had a reason to use it.”

“Oh. Oh, I see,” she said. I couldn’t stand how disappointed she looked.

“So, why the bikini? Are we just going to…” Her eyes widened a moment before she gave a small nod. “Well, okay. You did say it goes with my hair,” she murmured, barely loud enough for me to hear. Then her arms folded over her chest. “But it’s not fair that I’m the only one standing around half-naked.”

“Mmh.” I nodded, going for my belt, and cleared my throat to take some of the gruffness from my voice. “I’ve wondered about something,” I said, letting my slacks drop. Removing my briefs could wait until we were both ready, so I unbuckled my brace and sat it on top of the storage box so I could take off my shirt. “Been thinking about it since…”

I paused, confused by the sudden shift in Claira’s expression. The light from my bedroom cast a glow on her face, revealing the deep red of her complexion and the quick, shallow rise and fall of her chest.

“I’ve been wondering, too,” she drawled, her tide-gray eyes darkening as she watched my fingers move to unbutton my shirt. Her tongue flicked out, wetting her lips. “What it… would be like.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I pulled off my shirt. I knew it might not have been a pleasant smile, for it lacked the friendliness and charm of Kai’s and Leander’s, but I didn’t care.

“Mmh. I’ve wanted to show you,” I confessed as I secured my brace back into place. Once I had it adjusted, I took hold of her hand, stepping out of my slacks. “Since the plane landed.”

“Really?” she said with a squeak as I led her over to the edge of the deck. I turned around to remove my briefs, giving her privacy to remove hers.

“No need to worry,” I said, peering down at how apparent my desire for her was. It wouldn’t matter as long as she took hold of me quickly. “Nothing will hurt you down?—”

As I turned around, Claira was pulling the top of her swimsuit away from her breasts.

“ Maaiy fok .” The words slipped from me as the black swimsuit top dropped to the deck.

“ Maaiy fok ,” she repeated, carefully mimicking how I’d spoken each syllable. She swayed closer, her arms pulling around me, and I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. I was nothing more than a statue. “What does it mean?” she asked airily, leaning in until an untamed part of me brushed against her and she startled back a step with a gasp.

“ Alhey ,” I cursed and turned away, not wanting to frighten her. “Sorry,” I grunted through gritted teeth. My size had always been intimidating, but I’d thought she was ready. I hadn’t expected… whatever this was.

I stood still for a moment, trying to wrap my head around this new development. Claira wanted to go into the ocean with me topless? Had she swum topless with the others when they were alone? No. I would have picked up on their thoughts if?—

Every part of me tensed as arms slid around my waist, Claira’s warm body pressing against my back. “I’m ready,” she whispered, her breath heating my spine and making my lower half throb with arousal. It made sense, now, how the others had found it so easy to get close to her.

The urge to turn around, take her up in my arm, and pin her to the deck was almost unbearable. If we weren’t in front of my plants, I might have asked if she thought she might like it if I did.

“Barren?” Claira’s face nuzzled my back, and I took it as a sign that she was ready.

Right. I took a deep breath to compose myself and ground out a grunt of affirmation. Then I jumped off the deck and into the water, only to realize too late that she… wasn’t as ready as she’d claimed she was.

Instead of holding around my waist as she normally would, her grip came right off me. I snagged her arm and tugged her close, our connection still intact. When I pulled her up against my chest and got a good look at her face, I knew I’d made a mistake.

Claira was struggling with her transition, coughing and sputtering air mixed with water like she hadn’t remembered to empty her lungs before we’d dropped into the water.

“Claira?” I held her close, feeling her shaking in my arms, knowing there was nothing I could do to help. Her lungs would have to complete the transition on their own.

On cue, the darkness was cut when the first glowing speck appeared next to my tail. The effect spread around us as more popped up, dotting the ocean with a calming blue light.

But Claira wasn’t as taken by the beauty of the lights as I thought she would be. Her arms wrapped tightly around me, and a blood-curdling scream pierced the water, causing my tail to thrash, propelling us both back up to the deck.

“What— why? ” she gasped out, panting and sputtering as I helped her pull her tail from the water. I’d only just finished draping it next to mine back on the patio when she turned to me, her eyes wide with shock and her voice filled with outrage. “I… I felt safe with you,” she said, the accusation in her words a spear to my chest. Felt safe. Once, but not anymore. Her teeth ground. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

“ Tharithakuge kan’deve —the sea of stars,” I said, unsure of how the lights had frightened her. “It has always been a source of fascination for both humans and merfolk.” And I’d hoped she would enjoy them, too.

“Not that, Barren. I—” She wrung her hands out in front of her, her eyes filling with disgust as she looked down at her tail. “Why didn’t you warn me before dragging me into the water?”

Dragging her?

“I… do not understand,” I said, my jaw nearly refusing to move. “I thought you were ready to go to my kingdom.”

Her eyes widened. “Your kingdom? The part that’s underwater?” she said, then her arms snapped around her chest, covering her breasts. “That’s why we…” Her whisper trailed off with a gasp. “You said you were propositioning me! What the hell, Barren?”

“I was agreeing to a plan, yes,” I said, choosing my words carefully. I was no good at this—conversations and connections. It wasn’t surprising she’d misinterpreted my intentions. “For us to meet.”

“And go to your kingdom, of course. You never told me that part,” she mumbled, tossing back her wet hair.

“I’d thought asking you to wear a swimsuit made it clear,” I said, not sure what else to say.

It seemed clearing up the misunderstanding hadn’t made her any less upset. “Well, I’ve now lost half of the bikini you got for me.” She huffed, blowing back more wet hair. “So, sorry about that.”

It made sense now. Why she hadn’t taken the bottom half off when I’d taken off mine. “It doesn’t matter,” I said with a shrug.

“It matters to me ,” she threw back. “You gave it to me. I wanted to keep it.”

Although she was upset, it was difficult to conceal my smile.

She would keep the swimsuit simply because I gave it to her? Mmmh. That was one thing we had in common.

“Barren—are you laughing? ”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said again, leaning over to pick the swimsuit top off the deck. “Because this half was the one I picked out.” Her scowl broke as I offered it to her. Shrugging, I mumbled, “Didn’t know it came as a set.”

“Oh, really?” she said as she snatched it from me.

I turned my gaze away so she could put it on. “Really.”

“You mermen really couldn’t care less about the bottom half of clothing, could you?” Her quiet laughter seemed to smooth out all my rough edges, and I stared out at the water’s dying blue glow. It was impossible to ignore the way her tail draped over mine and the thought of how our legs might be once they returned.

“For a moment, I thought you might have swum topless with the others,” I said before thinking better of it. “What did you think we would be doing?”

She paused halfway through tying the strings behind her back to say, “Enjoying the scenery. Somebody promised me nude beaches.”

A deep, rumbling laugh escaped me. She was incredible. “Mmmh. I’m not sure I ever confirmed that.”

“Well, it’s fine.” She sighed, and I was caught off guard when she reached into the front of her swimsuit to readjust her breasts, hiking them up.

Clearing my throat, I turned away to give her more privacy. “I’m sorry my intentions weren’t clear. I struggle with… this.” Without looking back, I made a gesture between us. “Conversations.”

“That’s not true,” she said, and I could hear the frown in her voice. “Maybe you don’t always say the words, but your actions say enough. You’re always helping Lee and Kai out. Taking care of us.” She laughed lightly, leaning over to place a hand on my tail. “Plus, Lee says you’re good at reading people. That’s got to help with conversations.”

Apprehension filled me, and I forced myself to swallow, trying to ignore the sensation her touch had caused in my tail. “It isn’t difficult for me. Reading people.”

“Oh?” She leaned in further. “Care to share your secrets? I won’t tell anyone. Not even Sprout.”

She was so close. Dangerously close. The only time we’d ever been closer was the moment underwater where I’d kissed her on impulse.

“But I can’t promise I won’t tell your plants,” she added slyly, breaking my focus on her lips. “Maybe I’ll even sing them a song. ”

A wave of heat burned my face. “No.” I shook my head, but her smile remained firmly in place. I—had she heard me singing to my plants? For once, it felt like someone could see into my mind, uncover my deepest thoughts. “How do you know that?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Her shoulders rolled in an exaggerated shrug. “Maybe I’ll share my secrets if you share yours.”

Share my secrets?

Feeling bold, I nodded. “Come to my kingdom, and I’ll share one of them.”