Page 31 of Culture and Curiosities (Blue Ridge Charm #1)

Wren

This was so much fun.

“Toman just told them about all the dirty stuff the language spell is going to give everyone.” As they all did their best to either not giggle or not roll their eyes, I kept my voice as quiet as I could. “He’s being careful about it, though, but some of them are really curious.”

That had several people from Earth coughing to try to hide their laughter which just made the fairly blank-looking aliens even more confused.

Had they never seen outside laughter and just had happy feelings on the inside?

I’d always thought Daddy was kind of blank-faced but I’d been wrong. He’d definitely been working really hard to give us facial expressions. Most of the aliens were so blank they were almost like watching Data from Next Generation.

As most of the aliens blinked at Daddy like they weren’t sure they were processing things right, I spoke up and did my best to sound professional.

Or as Daddy said…like Pierce.

“Don’t forget to explain that we have people who can come teach English the slow way to kids who want to learn.” The language spell was just going to give all the fun parts of English way too soon. “I’m pretty sure they’ll understand it better once one of them gets the magic kind of English.”

We were colorful fuckers.

They were not…at least not yet.

We all waited as Daddy spoke up, the native language sounding weird after only knowing Earth languages. A few of us had heard some of the words because some mages used it when they worked magic, but yeah, no one had heard enough to have a conversation in it.

Did anyone on Earth speak the original language any longer?

As Daddy and the professor talked politely around what kind of nonsense we were talking about, I whispered in English again. “They’re still being really polite and Toman is trying not to talk about kinks and stuff because I don’t think any of that will make sense until they get it all at once.”

Even the more vanilla types that had come through the portal with me started nodding and Agent Cranky Pants couldn’t argue about that either. “Doing it piece by piece is going to be too confusing for someone who seems to have more traditional tastes in…the way mates bond.”

Yeah, he knew way too much about our culture for him to be the out-of-the-loop kind of human we usually ran into in our daily lives.

Klynn couldn’t help finally chiming in to make life fun. “Does anyone else find it odd when he uses Toman’s given name?”

Our new alien friends were confused when some of us started giggling again, but my favorite part was the way Agent Murphy shot Klynn a behave, naughty boy kind of look.

Klynn smiled.

Yep, we’d definitely landed on another planet and even the stern professor Daddy was talking to couldn’t keep his eyes off what we were doing. He must’ve had badass levels of ability to multitask because he could talk to Daddy and study us like we were zoo animals without breaking a sweat.

“Are we zoo animals to him or bugs, Daddy?”

Daddy did pretty good at multitasking too.

“Bugs that have escaped the zoo, my mate. Large bugs.”

The funniest part was his dry tone that made it hard to know if he was being serious or fucking with me.

“I also have to agree with Klynn. It is odd to hear you say my name. I’m Daddy to you.”

Daddy felt serious that time but it was still kind of funny.

“Yeah, it’s hard for me to remember too.”

But it was the best way to handle the situation to begin with.

Names first, lifestyle later.

We had plenty of other things to focus on, though, so I wasn’t upset at having to be boring. I’d have had to be more careful if we lived around regular vanilla humans, so this wasn’t as big of a deal as Daddy or Pierce had been worrying about.

“Would it be rude to ask to sit down or get a drink of water while they’re debating who needs to learn dirty English words?” Betty looked wonderfully polite and like everyone’s grandma but I knew it wouldn’t last…especially with the way her mate kept watching her.

He knew what she was thinking and it was much less polite.

“No. I don’t see how it could be, but I just think they’re all a bit stunned stupid still.” And shocked by the vague explanation Daddy was trying to give.

“They have role-playing relationships that we have not been exposed to. Please trust me on this.”

The bond was doing a pretty good job of actually translating what he was saying but I had a feeling some of the nuance was lost because he didn’t sound nearly as frustrated as I knew he was.

“They’re kind of stuck on what mates could be doing that would surprise everyone.” It was like talking to someone who was so vanilla they’d never even heard of the word vanilla. “They’re really going to have to figure out a way to give everyone English that doesn’t give them a heart attack.”

For some reason meeting them in person was hammering in the confused about kink part better than anything I’d discussed with Daddy. I’d always had access to the internet and old cousins, so I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t know I was gay and fascinating.

They didn’t have the same access to the internet and it was showing.

“Daddy? We can’t shock anyone who’s going to see us as…wrong.”

I wasn’t sure how else to explain it but Daddy’s mental sigh said he was starting to realize that too.

“I am going to have to give Professor Zorin a clearer explanation of what I mean, my mate. Do I have your permission to use us as an example?”

Oh, that was going to be fun.

“Sure.”

Daddy might’ve been worried about privacy but eventually I’d say something I hadn’t meant to and it’d be out anyway.

“Let us take our visitors somewhere out of the sun and provide them with refreshments and then I will give you and you alone a full understanding of the language situation.”

Daddy put enough Daddy in his voice that the confused professor finally stopped his automatic pushbacks. He was a pain in the butt too, but I was pretty sure that was because he was a teacher of some sort and they always thought they were right.

The professor finally seemed to give in because his shoulders did a tiny jerk movement I realized was our version of a nod as he responded to Daddy.

Weird.

Heads nodded and shoulders shrugged…did anyone on Earth do it differently?

I needed to travel to more places that had people if I didn’t know the answer.

“We’re getting a place to sit and some food while Toman breaks down the details about why everyone can’t get English.” Honestly, I wasn’t sure we’d have done any better on the hospitality side of things if the situation had been reversed.

“Is there any language on Earth they could learn that wouldn’t have anything kink related?” Kaden asked a great question even if he was from Florida and everyone he’d come with had been nuts.

“I don’t think so…not any productive language I can think of. I mean, maybe some tiny ones?” We’d have to get like small island in the Pacific kind of tiny for me to be sure. I wasn’t sure there was any reason for them to learn something like that, though.

Sure, they wouldn’t get a kink vocabulary but they wouldn’t be able to speak to anyone in America either.

Or anywhere else for that matter.

“Wren?” Daddy saying my name out loud had us tuning back in to his conversation. “There are a tent and chairs set up on the other side of the portal.”

Daddy pointed to the other side of the large rock the portal seemed to be set into. “It is just out of sight.”

Thank goodness.

It wasn’t as hot as some of the deserts on Earth I’d been to but it was hot enough that we were sweaty and uncomfortable already.

“That’s great. Thank you.” Everyone back home was going to be amazed at how boring I could be.

Professional.

Yes, that was a better word even if boring was more correct.

“If I’m going to get sweaty, it’s going to be doing mate things or something fun.”

Daddy didn’t react on the outside but on the inside he chuckled.

“I’d have to agree, my mate, I have gotten very used to the different forms of what you call air conditioning.”

“Please tell me you’ve got something like that over in the tent?”

As Daddy gestured around the rock, I turned to everyone else. “Let’s go sit down and then we’ll watch the show as Toman explains the human mating practices we’ve picked up.”

“If they have not set it up already, we can make the air cooler for us while we wait.”

Yes!

“Thank the ancestors.”

That got another laugh from Daddy but I was a good translator and focused on the group. “There seems to be air conditioning-like spells that he can put on the tent if they haven’t already been done.”

Nearly everyone blinked in confusion but Betty’s husband Albert frowned. “I think I remember my mother doing something like that when I was a child but it was a long time ago.”

Yeah, there’d been a lot we lost just because we hadn’t needed it. Humans were amazing innovators and we’d done a lot of that on our own.

We behaved ourselves admirably while we walked around the large boulder in a single file line with our belongings and without saying anything that would make anyone laugh.

“Oh, that’s…” Betty sighed dramatically as the oasis came into view, but everyone else in our small group nodded along with her at the sight. “It’s like a movie.”

Well, I guess a people who used magic on a regular basis for damned near everything could make a badass rest stop in the desert, but my favorite part was the long curtains on the large tent that would block out a lot of the sun and the river someone had created that was running around the large tent.

They fucked with nature more than we did because water in the desert topped fucking with flowers out of season.

“They put couches for us to sit on.” Kaden found the situation fabulous based on the marvel on his face, but there were mixed reviews.

“Do you think the couches could hide insects like scorpions? They have those in our deserts but do you think they have them here?” Shilo, the cutest little worrier I’d ever seen, shivered. “I lived just outside of Phoenix for six months and it was the scariest place I’ve ever lived.”

Phoenix?

Before Daddy could ask, I sent him a picture of a scorpion, so he didn’t have to think about it.

“No.” Shaking his head, he frowned. “We have less dangerous insect-type animals here but there is a barrier around the tent that will keep out any forms of animal.”

“Some of your animals called apes may be able to go through the barrier, however. It is based on having higher-level thoughts.”

That was cool.

“We won’t mention that since it’s not going to happen. Nothing animal related around the portal could do that.”

And anything else weird would hopefully get noticed by the people guarding the portal.

“All food and drinks should be safe to eat but they have kept the options simple for the time being just in case.” Daddy gestured toward glass-looking containers that seemed to have juices in them and an array of what looked like meats, crackers, and fruit.

“We’ve discussed allergies and food issues, but please let me know if you have any ill effects. ”

Fingers crossed we’d be fine.

“It looks great.” I just wasn’t going to ask what the meat was yet. “Thank you.”

Curiosity took over and probably the desire to get out of the heat because everyone set their stuff down and quickly went into the tent and over to the food. We were still being watched like bugs but it wasn’t too bad.

“I’ve eaten alligator and all kinds of things. It doesn’t matter what the meat is.” Kaden kept quietly repeating the words over and over as he bravely went over to the table and started picking up a few of the snacks. “It’ll be fine.”

I wasn’t sure if he was actually hungry or if he was just trying to be hospitable but either way he was brave.

“Let’s try some of the juices, my girl.” Albert looped his arm through hers and led her over to the table while everyone else found a spot to pretend not to watch Daddy and the professor.

We were all a bit too obvious for it to be believable and that seemed to be fascinating to the group of elvish-looking people watching us. I behaved myself, though, even if a part of me wanted to stick my tongue out and see what they would do.

But the human in the zoo was going to behave themselves so it didn’t shock the people watching.

Even if they weren’t subtle at all…blank-faced…but not subtle.

“So, are we going to bet on what he’s going to say?” Klynn sat with us instead of with the other members of his people, and it didn’t go unnoticed to anyone else that he’d sat right beside Agent Cranky Pants who’d become Agent Quiet and Watchful with everything going on.

Quiet didn’t mean he was ignoring Klynn, though, because he raised one eyebrow as he glanced at the usually grumpy bookworm…bookdragon. “I think you’ve got an advantage with that bet, so I won’t be taking it.”

If I was reading Klynn right, he was pleased with the agent’s response, but I could have very easily been wrong. Hanging out a few times while we chatted about dirty books didn’t make me an expert but I might’ve been his best friend if we weren’t counting Agent Murphy being high on that list too.

“I’m guessing shocked but not offended…” Klynn’s voice trailed off as Daddy led the professor far enough away that their voices were barely a hum. “But I don’t know him that well.”

“What are you getting through the bond?” Agent Murphy paused as he questioned me. “If that’s alright to ask?”

“Yes.” I shrugged. “On our world at least. I don’t know about here, but Toman didn’t say anything about it being taboo or rude.”

We were definitely going to run into that sooner or later, though.

Maybe sooner based on the fact that the professor’s mouth had just dropped open.