Page 54 of Ctrl+Alt Submit

ERROL

I need to get out of here, but I don’t know where to go. My hand is on the doorknob and a half-formed thought about taking a walk to burn off these awful feelings is in my head, when I hear Ran crying. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve heard that sound.

I forgot how much it breaks my heart. If I leave now, his sobs will echo in my mind and I won’t get any peace.

I lean my forehead against the door and try to push out of my head the words on that page.

I didn’t want to read them; I tried to dismiss them.

But they seared themselves into my brain in spite of my efforts to keep them out.

I don’t deserve to be denied. I’ll deny myself when I want to because it turns me on. But I know I don’t deserve it. I am valued. I am valuable. I am loved. I deserve to be loved.

I can’t say that. Even thinking it makes my guts churn and bile creep up the back of my throat. I try to swallow it down as I squeeze my eyes shut, but I can’t block out the image in my mind’s eye of the words on that page — lies, all lies.

I am valued. I am valuable. I am loved. I deserve to be loved.

“Stop it,” I whisper to myself. My voice sounds raw. I turn my back to the door and slide down until I’m sitting on the floor. I hold my hand over my mouth and cry as quietly as I can.

Ran must hear me anyway. I look up to the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He comes into the living room and stops short when he sees me. The sight of his red eyes and blotchy cheeks make me feel guilty.

“I’m sorry,” I tell himas I get to my feet and approach him.

“Goddammit!” The word explodes from his mouth. I take a step back but he suddenly rushes forward and grabs my hands. “ Please stop apologizing — you say you’re sorry for so many things that aren’t your fault.”

He sighs, and my tear-blurred vision clears enough that I can see shame and sadness in his eyes.

“Especially tonight. This was my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed.

I shouldn’t have assumed I knew what was in your head.

It was presumptuous of me to come up with something like that and just drop it on you. I’m sorry,” he says again.

“And you’re right; maybe I don’t know you anymore. If that’s true, then that’s also my fault. Because I wasn’t a good friend. You’re right about that, too. I abandoned you.”

I snort and pull my hands out of his. “You didn’t abandon me. You grew up and moved on with your life. You’re allowed to do that! I shouldn’t have made you feel bad about it.”

“I deserved it,” he says bluntly. “And I’m still going to feel sorry. But I just —” He breaks off and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to do . I hate it when you talk about yourself so negatively!”

He presses his lips into a thin line. “I can’t figure out how to make you see everything that’s wonderful about you.” When his eyes meet mine, the hurt in them lands like a rock in my stomach. “Is it that I don’t show you enough? Or don’t tell you what you need to hear? Because I love you so much.”

I bury my head in my hands. “You’re not doing anything wrong. You always make me feel loved. I’ve never been anybody’s number one before, but you make me feel like I’m somebody special.” I bark out a bitter laugh. “You know, instead of just… myself.”

“Oh, Babydoll… That’s what I’m talking about. It seems like you think you’re not worthy of being treated kindly. Just for a minute, I wish you could see yourself the same way you see everyone else. You’re so open-hearted and emotionally generous with everybody — except for yourself.”

“Whatever,” I mutter. “Everybody has an inner critic. You do, too. I know you do."

“Well, yeah — an inner critic is one thing. But what’s in your head is more like an inner internet troll. Baby —” He reaches out and puts a tentative hand on my shoulder. “If you treated other people the way you treat yourself, you’d be a grade-A asshole.”

“That’s not true!” I choke out. “I’m not anything special!

This is what I mean about you not knowing me anymore.

Ran, you don’t get it —you grew up and into somebody who’s so far out of my league it’s not even funny.

That’s not going to change no matter how much bullshit you want me to say about myself! ”