Page 22 of Ctrl+Alt Submit

AARYN

“ Y ou weren’t doing anything wrong,” he says quietly. “I just thought you might have some experience because you’re kind of a natural at it.”

I just blink at him. How can I be a natural when I don’t even understand where those dark, unhinged impulses came from?

“I’ve seen porn like that before and I think it’s hot, but it scares me,” I confess. “I’ve always been afraid that if I dig deeper, it will make me…” I can feel my face twist into a grimace. “Predatory. Bad. Dangerous.” The last word comes out as a whisper.

I chew on the inside of my lower lip to distract me from the awful squirming sensation in my belly. I’m afraid to look at Errol. When I hear a rustle, I glance up an instant before he lands in my lap. His warmth and weight on top of me are strangely calming.

“Did you like it?” I ask. I know Errol said he likes guys being rough and dominant, but it’s hard for me to believe .

“Um, yeah. A lot .” His eyes are glowing, those amber flecks in them bright and alive.

“But I wasn’t…” I shake my head. “I wasn’t good to you. I didn’t make you feel good.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says, his voice quiet.

Something about the hunger in his eyes, the idea of being wanted that fiercely, sends a fluttering sensation into my lower belly.

I bring my lips to his without thinking.

My dick pulses at the whimper he lets out into my mouth.

I sweep it up with my tongue and kiss him more deeply, threading my fingers through his hair.

“I want you to dominate me like you did last night,” he gasps out the moment our mouths are apart. “I would do that again in a heartbeat. I want to. I hope you do, too.”

“Really? You want it like that? And what about… I mean, you don’t want me calling you names like that, right?”

He bites his lip before his face flushes crimson.

“That was one of the hottest things about it. The way you were talking to me —calling me a slut, saying you were going to wreck my cunt and then calling me doll while you pulled my hair and blew your load all over my face —Jesus, Ran! I almost came right there. And if you need proof that I’m telling you the truth —”

He grabs my hand and guides it to his crotch. He’s rock-fucking-hard. “Did you like it?” he demands. “Or was it just about getting it out of your system about Eliza?”

I take his hand in turn and bring it between my legs so he can feel my hard dick. “You tell me. This is just from hearing you talk about how hot it got you.”

Errol makes a low, eager sound in his throat. “Is this the kind of stuff you were talking about that day in the moving truck?” I ask cautiously.

“Yeah. I like degradation — that kind of name-calling dirty talk like you were doing last night really turns me on. And I’m not into serious impact play with whips or crops or anything, but I like some pain.”

“How much is some ?”

“Slapping, hair-pulling, biting, tugging on my nipple rings —I’m just not into blood or anything.”

I nod, hoping Errol can’t see my relief. “Gotcha.” Whips? Crops? Blood? I’m so out of my element here I don’t even know what to ask next.

A speck of something on my glasses distracts me. I take them off and rub at the lens with the edge of my shirt. When I put them back on, I’m met with Errol’s penetrating gaze. “What, um —what else do you like?” I ask, hoping I don’t sound as apprehensive as I feel.

He takes a deep breath. “Being dehumanized and treated like an object really turns me on.” His swallow bobs in his throat before he adds in a whisper, “I want so badly for you just to use me. Make me your slutty little toy.”

Holy shit . A shiver runs through me before I can stop it. Errol smiles ruefully. “Sorry, did I scare you?”

“No,” I mumble. “ I scared me. Because that sounds really fucking hot.” When I glance up at Errol, the heat in his stare takes me aback.

I feel like a fraud, sitting here just talking about all this shit he’s actually done . Should I say something? Maybe it’s better if I don’t remind him how abjectly unqualified I am.

“Do you, um, do this kind of stuff often? Like, go on apps or whatever and ask or look for…” My words trail off as I see Errol’s face fall. He huffs out a hard sigh.

“I haven’t really since the last hookup I had. He —it wasn’t good. I didn’t like what he was into, or how he wanted to treat me.” He drops his eyes. “I don’t really like to think about it.”

“You don’t have to,” I say quickly. “Just tell me what I need to know so I don’t make the same mistake.”

Errol’s laugh is bitter. “Oh, it wasn’t a mistake. He knew what he wanted when he said he wanted to dress me up and degrade me.”

“Dress you up? What do you mean?”

His expression is guarded. “You saw the underwear I like to wear.” When I nod, he takes a heavy breath. “Well,I kind of like dressing up in other stuff like that, too. You know, lingerie, eyeliner —”

I interrupt him. “Like a feminine thing?” He nods. “You dress like that when you’re hooking up?”

His face goes red again. “Yeah, sometimes. But… I like doing it just for me, too. I mean, when I’m by myself.”

He does that just to jerk off? Just for himself? “Fuck, I don’t know why, but that sounds incredibly hot,” I confess.

Errol shoots me a look of disbelief. “I never wanted to tell anybody that, honestly. It always felt a little bit pathetic.”

“Pathetic?” My eyebrows go up. “Oh my God, no —that is sexy . But I’m sorry, you were talking about something that happened?”

“Yeah. The way this guy said it sounded hot when we were chatting online, and it seemed like we were both looking for the same thing. But when we got together, it went bad. He had stuff he wanted me to wear, but it was all way too small. Like, so tight I had to squeeze into it, and it looked really awful.”

He sighs heavily. “Which was what he wanted. And then he wanted to call me, like, a pig and stuff. He wanted to make my size, my weight the focus of how he degraded me and I just —” Errol’s hair falls into his eyes as he shakes his head, but not before I catch a glimpse of the tears sparkling in them.

“Oh, no! C’mere.” I pull him against me. I’m burning mad at this stranger. How could he? Even if you didn’t know Errol like I know him, how could this douchebag have thought it would be OK to make him expose the underbelly of his self-esteem so he could eviscerate it?

It’s so fucking unfair. Errol doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. “You didn’t deserve that,” I murmur against his hair. “I wish I’d been there so I could tell you then you didn’t deserve that instead of just telling you now.”

“I didn’t think it would hurt that much,” he says. “I played along with it for as long as I could and then I told him no more, I was out. He got all pissed-off about it but I didn’t give a fuck. I put my clothes back on and got the hell out of there.”

Errol shakes his head, lips pressed into a thin line.

“I have to admit, the whole hookup scene was getting tough. Just too many guys looking for subs into feminization who, as soon as they see enough of my body to realize I’m not a willowy twink, either ghost me entirely or say something nasty on their way out. ”

“That’s awful!”

He shrugs, a downcast look on his face. “Even though it always made me feel shitty, I thought I didn’t let it get to me. But maybe it made me more willing to overlook red flags when it seemed like a guy might —” Errol breaks off and squirms, “ like my body instead of just tolerating it.”

He frowns and runs a hand through his hair.

“I fucking hate that one asshole might’ve ruined a major kink I used to like.

But after that one time, I just —it made me a little sick to think about, to be honest.And I was too afraid to try wading into it again with somebody else.

Afraid that if they said the wrong thing or turned into a jerk, I’d just go to pieces on them. ”

His hair now rakishly disheveled, Errol puts his hand back on his thigh. Impulsively, I grab it. I’m about to do the smartest or the dumbest thing I’ve ever done — I don’t know which.

“Listen, Errol…”

I’m taking a huge risk. If I get this wrong, I’m not just blowing up my chance at a hot, dirty fling. If I screw this up, I’m setting fire to the best, most rock-solid friendship I’ve ever had in my life.

“I want you to feel sexy. I want you to feel good. And if you want me to objectify you and degrade you, make you feel good by making you feel bad like that, I want to give you that , too. I don’t have any experience doing this, so I can’t promise I’ll never say the wrong thing.

But if I do fuck up, I don’t care if you need to give it a minute, or stop the whole —” I search for the right word, “the whole scene if you’re not feeling it anymore. ”

I glance at Errol’s face but can’t tell what he’s thinking. He’s quiet for a minute more and I’m about to backpedal or apologize when he takes a deep breath.

“I like —I think I’d like that. I mean, I’d like to try again.”

“Really?”

“I just want to feel sexy, not fat.”

My best friend is going to keep breaking my heart with that. And I’ll keep telling him what he needs to hear. I pull him back into an embrace. “You are sexy. Do you think you might like dressing up and showing off your body for me?”

Errol lets out the hottest little whimper and squirms in my arms. “Yeah,” he whispers. It emboldens me.

“What do you like? What makes you feel good to wear?”

“Material that feels nice. You know — satin, silk,” he whispers. “And things like lace and mesh that expose me even when I’m covered up.”

I have no idea why this sounds so hot, but I can’t deny the way my cock swells at his words. “If I got you pretty undies that wrapped tight around your dick, could I tease you and watch you soak them with precum?”

He pulls in a sharp hiss of breath and I feel him nod. “Please.”

“I noticed the way you were dripping all over that pair you had on the other day. That was such a turn-on. Could I get you the kind that’s got garter straps, so I could put you in a sexy pair of fishnets? I think they’d make your legs look good when you’ve got them spread for me.”

Errol shifts in my lap to straddle my thigh, grinding against my leg. “God, Stud,” he moans.

I grin. “Just Stud is fine.” He huffs out a breathy little laugh as a thought occurs to me. “What should I call you when I’m not calling you Errol?” I tease.

He rolls his eyes at me, but there’s a smile on his face. I give him a little poke in the ribs. “Hmm? Doll? Sugar? Pumpkin?”

I’m thrown for a loop when he flinches. “Not pumpkin.” His smile vanishes and his expression turns pained. “I don’t —nothing round, OK?”

His hurt and embarrassment are almost palpable. Even though I’m not a tough guy in the slightest, I want nothing more than to take a swing at whoever made him feel so ugly and unlovable that it still lingers in his mind.

I don’t understand why the same part of me that wants to demean and debase him also wants to wrap him up in a fluffy blanket and hold him in my arms so nothing bad can ever happen to him again.

I cup his chin with my hand and give him a soft kiss.

“OK, no pumpkin. I promise. How about babydoll ? That better?”

His pupils dilate and he shifts in a way that makes me think his dick went rock-hard. “Uh-huh, yeah.” He nods. “That’s good.”