Page 48 of Cruel Summer

TWENTY-EIGHT

This time when they arrived at their destination, she went with Logan to present the car to its new owner.

On the other trips, she had been committed to that moment when they finally got some breathing room from each other. Even though she could sense that Logan actually wanted some space, she didn’t want it.

She could feel the walls going up around him, and it was frustrating her, because it was like he was preparing himself for an end that they hadn’t discussed.

They were both going back to Oregon. Her in first class—and she assumed that he would be in coach, and that was his prerogative.

But the point was, they weren’t separating, not necessarily.

He knew that she wasn’t going back to Will.

He knew that she was headed toward the end of her marriage, not a new beginning.

So why in the hell he wasn’t just talking to her rather than shutting down she didn’t know.

And in the past, she would’ve let that go. But this wasn’t the past.

Now, though, they had an audience. An older woman whose eyes lit up with absolute joy when the red Corvette convertible was presented to her.

She smiled, her eyes shining with tears. “This was what Howard and I used to drive around. Back when we were in high school. It was brand-new. Beautiful.”

Samantha’s heart ached.

This car represented something bigger than a car. It was tied up in her love. For Howard.

“How long were you and Howard together?” she asked.

“We were married for sixty-five years. Before he passed.”

The way that the woman spoke of it, still with such a look of electric joy on her face, even in spite of the fact that there was grief there. Of course there was grief.

Samantha wanted that. To speak of the love of her life with that level of joy.

It was the kind of joy she felt when she was with Logan. Really even when he was being kind of a closed-off difficult piece of work.

That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t like he was doing anything.

She just felt hypersensitive to his moods.

It was the result of being with each other so much over these past months.

But this was some certainty. Some clarity.

Because she knew that she wanted that kind of love.

The kind that made your eyes sparkle after all those years.

That was what she wanted. It was just really great to know.

To know what she wanted apart from what anyone else expected.

To know what she wanted, without exhaustively checking for anyone else’s opinion.

Even Logan’s. It had been important to her to cement this inside of herself before she talked to him.

When they left the car, they got a ride service down to the beach. It was getting to be late, the sun setting and casting glorious colors over the water.

She took his hand in hers and looked at him.

“Logan,” she said. “I need to tell you…” She could see him, tensing, bracing. For what, she wasn’t quite sure. For what she was going to say, or what he believed she was going to say.

She knew that she could stop now. That she could choose to not take a risk.

She wasn’t going to do that.

“I love you. I realized that a while ago, but I wanted to be prepared to tell you what that meant to me. I love you and I want to be with you. Not because we have to be. Not because I’m afraid to be alone. Not because I’m afraid that people will judge me. Just because I want to.”

She saw pain, deep pain in his blue eyes. Then that wall went up.

“Samantha,” he said. “Don’t tell me that.”

Oh, she really loved this man. And he was being an idiot.

Where did he think this was going? From the very beginning, it had been more.

He knew that. He hadn’t yelled at her in a honky-tonk parking lot over sex.

Over temporary. Over lust or friendship or anything short of love, and she knew that. Deep in her heart.

Just like she’d known he was going to resist it.

She’d decided to go ahead with it anyway. Because she didn’t hide from hard.

Not anymore.

It was his own fault. He’d helped bring her to this point.

“What else was I going to tell you?” she asked, trying to smile.

“You…”

“No. Really. You didn’t want me to have you when you thought I was going back to Will, so where did you think this was going to go?”

“Exactly what you said back in Tahoe. That you needed time by yourself.”

“I thought I did. But I had a lot of time by myself these last few months. I had a lot of time with you. You know what’s funny?

I’m the same person either way. It’s not the person that I was when I was with Will, though.

I’ve done different things, said different things.

Wanted different things. With you…it’s consistent.

I am myself. When I’m with you, when I’m not.

Being with you doesn’t hurt my growth. It’s been part of it.

You have been part of showing me what I want, and who I am. ”

“I can’t give you what you’re asking for.”

“So the thing is, you’re forty-three years old, Logan. And that’s the kiss-off of a twenty-year-old, and I think you can do better than that.”

He pressed his hands over his face, and then he looked at her. He looked exhausted. He didn’t have the words, she knew that. In the same way she hadn’t had them. But that was months ago. He should have grown with her.

He should have arrived at this place with her, not just physically, but emotionally.

But he wasn’t with her.

What bothered her the most was that she wasn’t even surprised. Somehow she had known this was coming. Because he shared, he shared quite a lot, but there was something that he hadn’t shared, and she knew that. There were things that he was holding back, and she knew that.

But she had been intent on doing this anyway. On laying it bare.

Maybe she would’ve been able to coast with him if she hadn’t had to say it.

If she hadn’t had to tell him what this meant to her.

What she wanted. But she had. Because she had spent twenty-two years not saying what she wanted.

She had spent twenty-two years hiding from the truth, so that she would never hear a thing she didn’t want to hear.

She couldn’t do that. Not now. Here they were, in Maine, across the country from Oregon.

Almost as far away from Oregon as they could possibly be.

She wanted to take the love that she felt all the way back across the country, into that life, into that town, regardless of the consequences.

She wasn’t willing to let there be questions or silence.

She wanted it all out in the open. She wanted it all clear.

“Tell me,” she said. “And it’s your turn to be honest. Don’t lie to me, Logan, what did you think this was going to be? You and me. What did you think I would want in the end, if not forever. If not you.”

“You were supposed to… I was never supposed to be able to reach you, Samantha. You were…my penance.”

“I’m not anyone’s penance, Logan.”

“No. You were mine. Do you know why I had sex with a stranger a month after my wife died? Do you know?”

“No. Because you didn’t tell me.”

“I’ll tell you now. It was because I couldn’t have either woman that I wanted.

Rebecca was gone, and you were married. It just felt like one hell of a cosmic joke, and the fact that I even thought that, that I thought…

that I thought I wanted you. Right then, I knew that I was…

I have never hated myself more. No, that’s not true.

I did after I slept with her. I couldn’t tell you who she was.

Because I didn’t ask her name. It didn’t matter.

It was all just trying to put distance between myself and that…

that trail of a thought. I will never be able to untangle that. Those feelings, that moment.”

“So you can’t be with me because you’re punishing yourself?”

“No. No, it’s that I… I can’t do it. I… I just can’t.

That was the lowest point of my life. You are wrapped up in it, Sam, whether that’s fair or not.

I can never go back there. Caring for you while you were with him?

That was its own kind of torture, but I kind of liked it.

Then I wasn’t strong enough not to pick at it when I knew that I could have you.

When I could see it. I wasn’t strong enough. ”

“What about Hawaii?”

“I would’ve kissed you. I would’ve slept with you. Fuck him. I don’t care. It was never about him. The only reason I didn’t push it was because of you.”

“And now we could be together, and you’re still telling me no.”

For the first time since that day he had come to their house and told Will that there was no way Becca was going to live, she saw fear in his eyes. Real. Deep.

“Tell me. Because this isn’t honest. Is it guilt? You won’t let yourself have this because you feel bad?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Tell me in the simplest terms possible.”

“She knew, Sam. She knew that I was somewhere else sometimes. That I wasn’t the husband I should have been or could have been because I was never all the way with her.

” His blue eyes burned. “Because of you. But not because of you. Because I don’t think I can ever really be there all the way for anyone.

It’s convenient, right? To marry someone, but keep part of your heart reserved for another man’s wife? ”

“You were a good husband to Becca. A great husband.”

“In the end. When there was a time limit. When it was too late.” He sighed, deep and hard and like it hurt.

“I can’t give you what you want. Or maybe I could.

Maybe I could get you stuck with me instead of Will.

But it’ll only ever disappoint you. You’ve been disappointed enough.

I can keep you happy. In bed. We’re good at that. ”

“Stop it. Don’t act like this wasn’t a relationship. Don’t act like we didn’t share the deepest parts of ourselves. It was not just sex. Do not make it that. Don’t do that.”

“You need someone who isn’t such a bad fucking husband, Samantha. I was a bad husband. I could never… I could never not want you. I could never give all of myself.”

“And what? You’re afraid that even if it’s me, it’s just going to be like that? It won’t be. Because what if it was always us?”

“That’s magic thinking. I don’t believe in magic.”

“Fine,” she said. “Maybe it’s not magic.

Maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe we’re just two desperately human people who are deeply attracted to each other, and who felt things when we knew we shouldn’t, and did the hard thing, the right thing.

And we’re here. Now. Where we can actually be together if we want.

If we are just brave enough to reach out and take it. So be brave enough.”

“I tried with Chloe,” he said, his voice rough. “I am all she has, God bless that poor kid. I am all she has. I did better than my father there, but there’s part of me… I’ve never been able to prove to myself I’m not him. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t be there. Not for me, not for my mom.”

“You aren’t your dad. That’s magic thinking, Logan. That somehow a man who donated sperm to your conception all those years ago has more to do with who you are now than the ways you’ve loved Chloe, the way you cared for Becca, the way you care for me.”

And she could see him. Warring with himself. Trying to reason out whether or not he could do this.

She’d had a whole summer. To decide what she wanted. Where she wanted to be. That summer had brought her here. Standing here with him. Willing to take this risk.

He couldn’t answer her. Not now.

Much in the same way she hadn’t been able to answer him when he’d been all fury and thwarted desire in that alleyway in Boston.

Because something was holding him back. Something still owned a piece of him. She was demanding answers, and she could see clearly that he didn’t have them.

“It’s okay,” she said, nodding. “You don’t have to tell me. Not now. I love you, and…”

“Don’t keep hoping,” he said. “Don’t hold out for me. Don’t hold out for Will. Don’t hold out for anyone. Go live your life.”

“I don’t actually need you to tell me to do that. I’m not putting myself on hold. But neither should you.”

“It was a great summer, Sam.”

“The best,” she said around a hard lump in her throat and tears in her eyes.

“I’m better when there’s an end. And this is the end.”

She felt something inside of her shatter. That hadn’t happened when Will had told her he wanted to see other people. When they had decided to take a break.

She had been hurt. But nothing had broken.

This…this broke her heart. Not just because Logan didn’t love her back, not just because she couldn’t be with him. But because he was trapped in some kind of personal hell, and he was not going to reach past it. He was not going to let her help.

“I turned over a lot of rocks in my soul,” she said.

“But I can’t turn yours over for you. You have to do it for yourself.

You have to want it. It’s really hard work, to heal yourself.

I was so lucky to have you with me while I worked on my healing.

I am so sorry that I didn’t see. That I didn’t understand that you still had so much left to do.

But I love you, Logan, and that’s not contingent on you loving me back right away.

Or giving me what I want.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she turned away.

Then she stopped and turned back. “I always think of you as Will’s best friend.

But you know what? That’s not true.” She didn’t wait for him to say anything.

“You’re my best friend. Not his. I want you to know that no matter what, that’s true.

” Then suddenly she couldn’t hold it back.

The pain. The tears. “But I really do love you,” she said, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“I really do.” She turned away from him again.

“Where are you going?”

“I thought I would get a car. I might try to change my plane ticket. It’s time for me to go home. Deal with the rest of my life. We have a lot of years left.”